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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH wants to leave for a woman he's met twice!

176 replies

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:04

We've been together 12 yrs married 4, since marriage these been a series of stressful events (my side) (my dad being ill, then dying, not being able to find work, me & DD relocating for DH, serious back injury, in bed 3 months), so my mind has been preoccupied.mhe announced 3 days ago that he'd had enough. After pushing, he admitted that he had met someone through work at a conference & they had a 'strong connection'. He's met her once more, & she lives in guatamala! He wants to go over at the end of the month. I cannot believe this - should I try & keep him? I feel he's throwing all this away for a fling...any advice please... I'm tearing my hair out here.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 09/04/2015 20:39

I hope he is on his knees with abject apologies and begging your forgiveness rather than a shrug and 'S'pose I'll give it another go'.

He can start to make it up to you now and if in a month's time you feel he has convinced you of his determination not to be a total wanker, then you might decide to let him back in the house.

I would do it on those terms. Don't let him back before you get proper evidence of contrition and resolve.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:42

if he is serious about "giving it a go" he should fuck off and give you space to decide whether you think he is worth the effort

(he isn't)

Cherryapple1 · 09/04/2015 20:45

So you have done lots of begging and he has agreed to give you a month - while she sits waiting in the sidelines. How very good of him.

You aren't going to tolerate this shite are you?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:47

it would seem so Sad

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:49

what has he told you that you must do during this "trial period" he has agreed to put you through ?

he knows you already, right ?

you are not a car he can test drive or a new employee on a probationary period

who the fuck does he think he is...and you are simply demeaning yourself if you go along with it

TheChandler · 09/04/2015 20:50

Theironyofus I would think that you have a hard time believing a Gautemalan woman can hold a professional job

Don't be ridiculous. Who on earth do you think works in professional jobs in Guatemala then? Who cares what race someone is, or even considers it when doing a job? I think you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder.

I find it hard to believe that he works in such an unusual trade that he just happened to meet up with a woman from a small country in Central America at a conference and made such a connection with her in that brief time that he is thinking of leaving his wife for her.

If you have no interest in finding out about my race, why bring it up in the first place.

Err, I didn't. You did, and you have done nothing but make points about it, some of them very offensive.

Actually, we have no idea what race this woman is. She could very well be European, or European descended, or Asian. I just simply would not trust what the DH here says about her or whether he is in contact with her or not. He sounds like he is hedging his bets now, as he is probably beginning to realise all that he might lose.

Cherryapple1 · 09/04/2015 21:02

So he will have you jumping through hoops and bending over backwards for a month, all the while you will be watching him like a hawk praying he isn't thinking of her, or messaging her on the quiet, waiting for the month to be up so he can leave.

GreatAuntDinah · 09/04/2015 21:16

??? What's unusual about meeting people from other countries at conferences? anyway oP said she works in IT.

elige20082 · 09/04/2015 21:26

My first husband was cheating on me a lot, 2 years later, I left him, took son and left .. It was very painful and sad. Yet 4 years later, I again met the man who appreciates and respects me, I met him online - mariya-club.com and I love it, we have a great relationship and I'd advise you, do not be afraid to take a chance and wait, you live now, not tomorrow.

alongcamespiders · 09/04/2015 23:43

He sounds a complete dick. It's very easy to connect with anyone in a short timeframe. It's so easy to pick up on the shared interests etc and not so easy to identify all the ways in which you will hate each other, that comes over time. Sorry for you though, he's being an immature dreamer.

Original poster
lizzielogs · 09/04/2015 23:48

I think I know deep down what needs to be done. Every bone in my body is telling me to fight for him though. It's going to be bloody tough & I don't really have any support. Except you wonderful lot! Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 23:50

fight for him ?

what does that actually look like/consist of then ?

Original poster
lizzielogs · 09/04/2015 23:52

You know what I mean.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 23:54

I really don't. I don't think you do either Sad

cozietoesie · 10/04/2015 00:02

lizzielogs

Did you actually read the pick me dance link that AF posted?

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 00:08

no man is worth that, lizzie

no man

DrElizabethPlimpton · 10/04/2015 00:48

This isn't go to end the way you want it. Any man who can play fast and loose with his wife's emotions is a fuckwit who thinks of himself alone.
Even if he does come back, you won't have any piece of mind and will be waiting for it to happen again.
It isn't worth it. He isn't worth it. You won't be happy or relax until you have ended this marriage and moved on.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2015 04:38

he is going to give you a chance?!? I can't believe I'm reading this right

Lizzie, come on, please. Muster up some self respect.

The fucking brass neck of this man is breath taking.

He is the one in the wrong. Yet somehow it's you that's on trial. Doesn't that make you angry Lizzie? B

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/04/2015 06:42

My feeling is that this woman isn't interested in pursing a long term relationship. She is probably horrified that this man in England is now giving up everything and sleeping on a sofa after a few meetings. If she is attractive, clever and at international IT conferences, this will hardly be about her getting into the EU for goodness sake, plus she would presumably have her pick of men given the usual gender make up of IT conferences around the world!

Lizzie- where does that leave you? I guess the thing is you think he's chosen to give you another chance, whereas my guess is that she isn't so interested now and so he's coming back to see if you will wait around whilst he finds out if anything can happen with her. Basically you are his second choice, and you sound such a lovely thoughtful person, I hate the idea that second best will be what you will settle for.

I agree with everyone, he isn't sorry, he isn't even giving up seeing this woman really (as he won't move back in so you can't see what he's up to) and you are his second choice, and he may yet leave you again. He isn't saying any of the things I would expect if he truly was sorry and truly wanted to be with you.

WildBillfemale · 10/04/2015 06:51

E-mail the OW and tell her your are his pregnant wife.
Then divorce him

43percentburnt · 10/04/2015 07:03

Op can I suggest you (at the very minimum) ignore his calls, texts etc to give yourself some breathing space. We know you want him back. But think could you cope, if he came back, knowing this had happened?

Now plenty of people do 'make it work' post affair. Plenty struggle with the idea their dh/dw cheated.

At the moment he is calling the shots. He thinks dw will have him back and he gets to choose.

You are in shock still. Be kind to yourself, ask for breathing space (no timescales).

lavenderhoney · 10/04/2015 07:04

Lizzie, it's all happened too fast- he makes the monumentous decision to leave you ( adds detail whuch is very distracting, but still the same outcome- he's leaving for good) and just as suddenly wants to come home, very fickle, and magnanimous bloke that he is, condescends to give you another chance.

At the very least you could say " hold on, my future happiness is important to me and you're messing with it. Stay away whilst I process how I will have to change things to manage this emotionally and practically even if you do come back because now you can't be trusted and that changes everything and I don't know if I want to live like that"

I expect they will contact each other even if it's for goodbye chats. Will you be ok with that? or do you hope you don't find out?

His visa would take at least 2 months to processs and he will need a yellow fever jab as well which you have to have weeks before you travel. Make sure he's not saving up- still get your finances in order, see a lawyer, or cab. Just in case at the end of the month its not going so well.

kelda · 10/04/2015 07:04

The only reason he is prepared to give it another go with you is because the new woman is not welcoming him with open arms. She's only met him a couple of times, she's probably really shocked that he's left his wife for her.

So he is keeping his options open by keeping you hanging on.

lavenderhoney · 10/04/2015 07:18

Sorry- just read he will be staying elsewhere whilst you're on your trial period. Fucking hell. He's got some front hasn't he? And he's all organised too.

You do all the housework, work, everything, look after dc and he pops in when he likes? What about weekends? Is he taking your dc out all day alone? Christ, see a lawyer and continue to safeguard assets. What will you tell your dd? If you called him at 2.00am on a Sunday morning with an emergency would he care about you or would this be a black mark?

It sounds more to me as though he's on a trial period with this woman.

Whocansay · 10/04/2015 07:25

It's entirely possible that he's trying to buy himself time to protect his assets. Protect yourself and get some legal help.

How can you want to be with a man who's prepared to treat your marriage so casually? He's a very cruel man.

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