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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH wants to leave for a woman he's met twice!

176 replies

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:04

We've been together 12 yrs married 4, since marriage these been a series of stressful events (my side) (my dad being ill, then dying, not being able to find work, me & DD relocating for DH, serious back injury, in bed 3 months), so my mind has been preoccupied.mhe announced 3 days ago that he'd had enough. After pushing, he admitted that he had met someone through work at a conference & they had a 'strong connection'. He's met her once more, & she lives in guatamala! He wants to go over at the end of the month. I cannot believe this - should I try & keep him? I feel he's throwing all this away for a fling...any advice please... I'm tearing my hair out here.

OP posts:
TheChandler · 09/04/2015 15:06

Theironyofus I have absolutely no idea what race you are and have no interest in finding out. But I assume there are plenty of men in Guatemala, and since most people tend to meet prospective partners out of those people they meet, I do find it questionable when people specifically seem out partners from another part of the world. I actually think that's a more racist thing to do, and much more deliberate, than pointing out that it happens. Are you also suggesting that the whole of the EU and the UK authorities are racist in checking that such marriages are genuine before permitting immigration?

Heck, I even get guys contacting me on Facebook and by email (scammers) trying to meet a rich Western woman. Its pretty obvious to anyone with any sense what their motives are. I've had men from Turkey, Nigeria and Algeria contact me in this way (only recently found out because they went into my Others folder). Its creepy, and I can't stand it, but I can imagine some people are taken in by it.

I would think this is why the OP's DH has made a point of saying he met this woman at a conference.

Theironyofus · 09/04/2015 15:16

At no point did I deny it happens. Why do you keep saying I deny it? It is the worst assumptions you choose to make about an entire race about what a minority choose to do that is racist.

If you have no interest in finding out about my race, why bring it up in the first place.

I would think this is why the OP's DH has made a point of saying he met this woman at a conference.

I would think that you have a hard time believing a Gautemalan woman can hold a professional job

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2015 15:16

We only know about this woman from what the OP's lying cheating DH has told her. Some of us, based on real experience in our own lives, are (admittedly) speculating on why this woman is interested in the OP's husband. This has nothing to do with her race. Or her career

My ex's ow, for instance had a good career and was well paid. This did not stop her wanting to get to the eu because, in her case, she saw it as offering her dc a better start in life than the one they would have in their own country. I am struggling to see why stating that this happens all the time (I have personally seen it happen dozens of times) is racist.

But as a p&p said, this the woman's motives or feelings are entirely irrelevant

OP I HOPE YOURE OK

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2015 15:20

Nobody has said that we are writing off a whole race. Why would you keep saying that. We have no idea what race this woman is after all.

What we are saying is that THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN may not be in it for love which makes it all the more vital that the op protects herself financially before he starts siphoning their money away to the ow. Because he may well do that being as he is a. Dishonest and b. A bit unstable at the moment c. Not operating on a level playing field with the ow - he thinks it's love. She thinks it's something very different

Theironyofus · 09/04/2015 15:20

This has nothing to do with her race
It has everything to do with race. Posters on MN often and quickly shut down on anyone who disparages the other woman - but not in this case.

I am struggling to see why stating that this happens all the time (I have personally seen it happen dozens of times) is racist

It is the assumption that is all "exotic" women want

Theironyofus · 09/04/2015 15:23

Nobody has said that we are writing off a whole race
THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN may not be in it for love which

We know nothing about her or that she has an "agenda" or "motives", why discredit her

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2015 17:11

I called my exDP's OW exotic because that is how my exDP described her. I apologise if that has upset you. It is the word he used to describe her meaning she was more exciting and interesting than boring old me.

I do not make any assumptions about you or anyone of any race based on their race. I am making an assumption (admittedly) about this particular woman based on the actions she is taking with this man and her nationality. I have no idea what race she is.

Now can we get back to the OP? Who seems to have disappeared. Proabbaly because of a spat about the OW on her thread

SnakeyMcBadass · 09/04/2015 17:25

I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. As painful and frightening as it is, try and keep a clear head about the practicalities. You can't make him stay. You can make sure that you are financially covered. Please don't, however much you want to, beg him to come back. He has detached from you and no longer gets to hear your intimate thoughts. Don't let yourself be vulnerable with him. Be as calm and matter of fact as you can. Whatever happens next, you'll be proud of your composure and it helps keep some control Flowers

Rainbunny · 09/04/2015 17:39

I don't know if anyone has suggested this already OP but since he has left you staying in the home, you probably should change the locks as he no longer resides in the family home. I know you still want the marriage to work so I'm not sure what you'll do if he tries to come back home, but be prepared that he may. Sadly, even if he does try to move back in it may not be because he has any intentions of staying with you, so again I urge you to change the locks.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2015 17:59

Rainybunny that is incorrect advice. If she changes the locks he is entitled to break in (if the house is also in his name). Which would be very stressful

Rainbunny · 09/04/2015 19:32

Bitout -thanks for correcting me, my friend went through a divorce where her ex had left the home. She told me about changing the locks etc... so I apologise for passing on incorrect information. In my friend's case she was able to stop her ex from regaining re-entry in the house as he had left the marital home voluntarily. I think she told me he needed a court order to gain re-entry, which a judge refused to grant. But ever case is different of course.

magoria · 09/04/2015 19:37

Of course you love him and want it to work out. That is completely natural and understandable.

There is also nothing wrong with telling him that.

However there is nothing you can actually do apart from telling him that to make him change his mind and stay.

So your best option is to be pragmatic and sort things to make them best for you.

If you treat the relationship as over then it will hurt like fuck but you will slowly start healing. So in 6 months/a year you may not even want him back and it will not hurt like it does today.

Original poster
lizzielogs · 09/04/2015 19:55

Still here. I've traced her on SM & she's very attractive & is a highly respected in her field (according to SMedia) I've refrained from contacting her, but may well do at some point - I don't want this turning into Jeremy Kyle! It seems she's lived here in the not too distant past, so I've no idea if she has a work visa or anything. DH has now said he's prepared to give things a go with me & has agreed not to contact her for a month - but won't move back in here yet, am I being naive thinking he might really come back?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:18

arrgghhh, please don't do the www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/ pick me dance]]

he has "agreed" to not contact her while he puts you through your paces to see if you can win back this booby prize ?

how fucking magnanimous of him

pocketsaviour · 09/04/2015 20:20

am I being naive thinking he might really come back?

What does your gut tell you?

Has he apologised for what he's put you and your DC through in the last few days/weeks?

AnyFucker · 09/04/2015 20:20

if he comes back, he will do it again

Hidingmyidentity · 09/04/2015 20:25

Why would you want him back? He sounds like a prize numpty who you would never be able to trust again.

magoria · 09/04/2015 20:27

Will you make him have an STI test before sleeping with him?

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 09/04/2015 20:31

God OP, the last thing I would want is to have him back! Sorry to be blunt but he does not deserve you.

BeatriceBumble · 09/04/2015 20:33

Safe yourself the grief and get rid of him now. He is being led by his dick. I suspect she will dump him when he turns out not to be such a catch after all. He will "sofa surf" until you take him back. Really? Don't fall for it.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2015 20:33

DH has now said he's prepared to give things a go with me

My word, that is big of him!

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 20:33

This might not be popular advice, but if you want him back then I think you have to play "hard to get".

HeyDuggee · 09/04/2015 20:34

Sounds like they had an affair and said a bunch of silly "what ifs" and the bloody idiot - much to the ow's shock - actually left his wife (the OP) in pursuit of making "their" what-iads come true.

She's not that keen on him, OP. That's why he's "giving you a chance" while she thinks things over. Confused

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/04/2015 20:35

What changed his mind?? I thought he was set on going?

Personally I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, he seems all over the place. And is he showing any concern at all to the effect his behaviour is having on you or your DC?

Be. Very. Careful.

inlectorecumbit · 09/04/2015 20:38

So you have to tread on eggshells for the next month while he decides if he wants you or not !!!! Fuck that. Who the hell does he think he is.
Please say you have more self respect and self worth to let him put a foot in the door.
Perhaps OW has decided she doesn't want him and he is trying to save face?
Get thee to a solicitor as soon as possible and get your ducks in a row. Who knows what his next move might be.....