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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DH wants to leave for a woman he's met twice!

176 replies

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:04

We've been together 12 yrs married 4, since marriage these been a series of stressful events (my side) (my dad being ill, then dying, not being able to find work, me & DD relocating for DH, serious back injury, in bed 3 months), so my mind has been preoccupied.mhe announced 3 days ago that he'd had enough. After pushing, he admitted that he had met someone through work at a conference & they had a 'strong connection'. He's met her once more, & she lives in guatamala! He wants to go over at the end of the month. I cannot believe this - should I try & keep him? I feel he's throwing all this away for a fling...any advice please... I'm tearing my hair out here.

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 08/04/2015 17:50

He has made his intentions very clear. Please don't lower yourself to beg him to stay. The chances of it working out between him and someone from Guatemala who travels a lot are zero. Is he going to move to Guatemala and wait for her until she comes home from work?

I know you must be frantic with worry. You are not being pathetic. You are showing a normal reaction to a very big shock. You have already tried your best to work things out over the years. He obviously hasn't tried his best and there is nothing that you can do about that.

I would put my house on it that he will come crawling back to you begging forgiveness and saying that he was going through a mid life crisis. His behaviour is so so predictable, the only difference is that the object of his affections doesn't live down the road.

Fiddlerontheroof · 08/04/2015 17:52

Mine decided to leave after having an affair for "3 months" so he said....it actually emerged the 3 months was 5 years. Don't believe a bloody word he says. X

WinnieFosterTether · 08/04/2015 17:53

You're in shock but you're coming at this from the wrong angle: 'nothing has happened between them ' ; ' he would see sense'. Where are you in this? What do you want?

If you can't get angry on your own behalf then think how you would feel if one of your friends called and told you her DH had left her for someone in another country that he'd only met twice. I can almost guarantee that very little would be about 'him' and the OW. It would be about your friend and helping her to move on. Now be that friend to yourself.

lizzielogs · 08/04/2015 17:57

I need some of you here telling me this to my face. It's all such hard work & I just don't feel emotionally strong enough to deal with it...

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 08/04/2015 18:01

Of course you don't. It's hard. It's easy to be on the outside of it because none of us have the emotions about it that you do. Which means it is easy to be logical, and sensible, and strategic. You, otoh, have just been hit on the head with a huge sledgehammer and it's a miracle if you can see straight, much less think straight. But some of the posters have absolutely been where you are and come out the other side and it can be done.

Give yourself a bit of time to process what's happened. You don't need to act in the next 30 seconds.

DayLillie · 08/04/2015 18:01

This happened to a friend of mine (actually, more than one - what is it with middle aged men Hmm). It was someone he had met online and once at a conference, in US.

He had moved on but she needed time to catch up. She had to go to the solicitor and get a divorce, because he was spending all the money he should have been spending on the family on dinners and flowers for the OW. Things needed to be sorted out to protect the DC.

Friend said she still loved him. Solicitor said they could always get married again if it turned out to be the wrong thing. It wasn't and she didn't.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/04/2015 18:03

I'm really, really sorry. They have had sex, that's a given. He wouldn't leave for someone he wasn't totally infatuated with, and sex is part of that.
You need to let him go. He's pissed all over your marriage already.

Twinklestein · 08/04/2015 18:03

He could give his marriage a last chance, and if he did it sincerely who's to say it wouldn't have worked; but he's decided to bugger off to Guatemala instead. He's not up for 'seeing sense' at the moment.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 08/04/2015 18:05

I know, it's tough Lizzie, it really is.

Stick to what you can control. First step would be to see a solicitor and get the practicalities sorted. But it really is baby steps.

Other advice would be to look after yourself and your children first. Make sure you have real life support around you. Be kind to yourself.

ChrisQuean · 08/04/2015 18:06

He's leaving you for an imaginary woman. I'm not saying that she's a total figment of his imagination, but he's constructed an imaginary world in his head where leaving you for a women he's met twice, from a totally different culture, living 7000 miles away is ok and it will all work out for the best. He needs to get real (or else be more honest and that they know each other rather better than he's admitted)

he's also gone. And I wouldn't want him back in your shoes.

lavenderhoney · 08/04/2015 18:08

Get all the practical things sorted, like council tax reduction, and separation of bank accounts, if you have joint, get your own, remove cash, pay all your dc lunches, pay everything in advance you can. Who is paying for his flight ticket?

Make sure the car is in your name. If he has one have it made over to you " so you can sell it whilst he settles in er, Guatemala. ( really? Is he having you on and it's the next county and he just wants a new life?)

Get him to sign a letter that he is leaving the country and you will be making decisions re your dc, schools etc and should you decide to leave and get a job in say Canada or something you don't need PR.

Mortage or rent? How will that be paid? Make a big list and start to work through it, and be as clinical as you can. Because he's already gone and he has processed this already, the leaving.

See a lawyer to discuss legal implications of him going ( maybe post on here in legal) and ask a lawyer what are the benefits or not of you divorcing him. If he has a good pension, you're covered by his PHC as his wife it may not be in your best interests to do it.

And tell the school, because your dc will need kindness and gentleness. He won't decide he wants to take them to live with her will he? Might want to hide the passports.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2015 18:11

God I thought I'd read it all but this piece of work takes the biscuit!

I feel for you OP

I know a lot of people who work abroad. Abot 70% of the have affairs with women in the place they work (including my exDP). It very rarely works (including my exDP) but the levels of self delusion really does baggar belief.

Wave him off OP. At least have the satisfaction of letting him see that you will not put up with this shit and she's welcome to him.

You are strong enough. You will be strong enough Thanks

TheHappinessTrap · 08/04/2015 18:20

If this kind of thinking is unlike him then he's having a crisis and it's not a result of the things you've listed, life happens and that includes deaths, illnesses, relocations and struggle. I agree with some pp's about your need to think about practicalities. I disagree with some pp's who say he doesn't have a right to up sticks. I think we all have a right to make superbly awful decisions and fuck things up royally. You have a right to look after you and your child's best interests. Him being around right now might be the best thing but do try to iron out the practicalities of his responsibilities to your child, poor kid.

VivaLeBeaver · 08/04/2015 18:28

Kick him out and don't look back. You deserve more than this piece of shit.

When it's hard and you're upset remind yourself how he's treated you, that a decent man wouldn't do this. He may try to make you feel guilty that it's your fault, etc. don't believe it, this is down to him not you.

BrowersBlues · 08/04/2015 18:35

Brilliant advice from Lavender. OP take her advice word for word, that woman knows what she is talking about. She learned it the hard way!!

I hope the shock is wearing off. You can and will cope with this.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 18:37

Don't try and hold onto him. He has prob emotionally left you months ago. There is nothing you can do but let him go. And I wonder if he has met her many more times than twice.

Get yourself a good lawyer and fast is my advice.

cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 18:42

He may have only met her twice but I'd wager a goodly sum on the fact that they've been hot and heavy on the net in addition - and for a fair time.

He's not worth keeping.

worserevived · 08/04/2015 18:51

First thing to understand is that people who have affairs lie, and minimise. He will have had a lot more contact with this woman than he has admitted to, and he has definitely slept with her.

At the moment he has stars in his eyes about the whole romance, and believes he has you on the back burner just in case. Lovely. So pull the rug from under him. Tell him to go. Be practical and unemotional about it. Get a solicitor and file for divorce (the whole process takes ages and you can stop it at any point should you desire so this isn't being premature), and most importantly make sure he can't walk off with all the cash.

Then sit back and watch him panic. At the moment you are afraid because he has taken control of your future. The second you take back control you'll feel amazing, and see him for what he really is.

fedup2015 · 08/04/2015 18:52

How awful, he's an idiot and you deserve better Flowers

WinnieFosterTether · 08/04/2015 19:00

I need some of you here telling me this to my face - I know we're not face to face but we are all here for you OP. And we realise how difficult it is. If it all seems too daunting then call some friends and get some RL support.
Also, think about popping in to your local CAB to get help with taking the necessary practical steps.
Relate offer online counselling which might help you start to process the emotional fall-out from all of this. Flowers

cozietoesie · 08/04/2015 19:09

That's true - he is an idiot. Thrown away family and career on a fancy. But just imagine if he'd not proposed leaving and had carried out some equally fanciful escapade (I really can't put it any more grandly than an escapade) while he was still with the family and you had to pick up the inevitable pieces.

Get thee to a solicitor/the CAB and make sure your position is as good as they can arrange. You're well shot of him.

sycamore54321 · 08/04/2015 19:18

Gosh, it looks like I might be a lone voice on this one but I think from what you have said about how you feel, that you should ignore the overwhelming body of advice in this thread for the moment. You have clearly had a huge shock, your husband is treating you appallingly and behaved dreadfully. BUT your initial instinct is to save your marriage and I think you would deeply regret rushing headlong into what other posters have suggested if you feel this way.

While unlikely, there is indeed a chance that what you have been told about the level of his involvement with this woman is indeed true. It may be that your husband is as daft as all that, to risk your entire marriage on a crazy whim. So, if it makes any difference to you, you are quite entitled to judge that what he is telling you is the truth. That may make a difference in how you want to proceed, or it may not. But I don't think people on the internet can automatically guarantee that he is lying hugely to you - it is up to you to judge.

Now, this is my terribly old fashioned viewpoint but I do think that things like this crazy notion of his are covered by the "for better, for worse" part of the marriage vows. Yes, it is dreadful, dreadful that he has hurt you in this way and completely utterly disrespected and disregarded his vows to you but you are quite entitled as his wife to want to explore how you can overcome this and save your marriage IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT. Even if he is willing, it will take masses of work for you to forgive him and rebuild trust, but to my mind, it is worth stating your case very clearly and making it clear that your aim is to keep your marriage, if that is the case. I do not see this as "begging him to choose you", I see it as one adult partner in the relationship remaining true to his/her current wishes and the original vows and stating your case. A tit-for-tat "well I don't want you either" reaction purely for the sake of it is childish if that is not your genuine feeling. From what you have said, I think you will regret not even trying this. Now of course it of course possible, even likely, that he says he doesn't want to try, or that you decide along that journey that it is too much for you to overcome but at least you gave expression to your feelings and tried to stay ture to them. Woukd he go with you to, say, one marriage guidance session so you can express all this with support?

Having said all that, I completely agree with taking practical steps to ensuring that he cannot take reckless actoons that woukd impact your financial security etc so it is prudent to look out for yourself and seek legal advice on thise aread. But you know yoyr own relationship, you know your own feelings, it is very eady for strangers on the internet to say "toss him out on his ear and never give him another moment's thought" but please know that it is perfectly alright too to want to save your marriage and to be prepared to work to overcome this massive hurdle. So if that is what you want, I think it is the more difficult and braver action to try to pursue it.

I will probably get slated for this, but what the heck...

Best wishes.

sakura · 08/04/2015 19:27

If you take him back he'll do it again.
My MIL kept taking my FIL back and he kept doing it again. Kept getting found out.

WinnieFosterTether · 08/04/2015 19:29

to want to save your marriage and to be prepared to work to overcome this massive hurdle.
I'm not going to flame the poster who said this but I would say OP that you cannot work on your own to save a marriage. And that your DH has broken his vows quite comprehensively.
I do think going to Relate on your own will help you to determine how you feel about your relationship and would be more worthwhile than going with your DH. He has had some time to come to terms with where he is. Emotionally you are both in different places and I don't think that imbalance is helpful in couples counselling.

jelliebelly · 08/04/2015 19:34

So sorry Lizzie but it's no use begging him to stay and try again because he's already made his mind up. There is probably more to this than he is letting on but even so if he leaves and it all goes tits up you can then decide if you want him back or not.

You need some RL support - who can you talk to?