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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
PandorasToyBox · 09/04/2015 09:34

The reason he had to work late last night is because he skived off to help her. I bet he took her out for lunch as well.

So he is spending family money on her without talking to you about it?

You know what you need to do....

He is not putting you or your un-born child first.

BerylStreep · 09/04/2015 09:57

Whose name is on the rental agreement - yours, his, or both?

winkywinkola · 09/04/2015 10:30

An emotional affair is as bad as physical.

Op I am so sorry for you. Hmm

catzpyjamas · 09/04/2015 10:40

I have rtft and just wanted to say that I've seen what happens when lies are not confronted. The "D"P sees they have got away with little lies, moves on to bigger ones thinking they are too clever or their partner is too naive for them to be found out. Lying becomes their normal stance and their partner never knows what's real and what's false. Trust me, it screws with your head and you spend your life doubting your partner, your reactions and trusting anyone becomes impossible.

Whether anything is going on with this woman may not be as important as:

  • Your partner is lying to you
  • He has _threatened_ to take away your newborn child

You deserve better Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 09/04/2015 15:24

How are you doing When?

I hope you're managing to eat a little and look after yourself and the baby Thanks

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 15:50

I'vee just finished work. Have been trying not to burst into tears all day in work, now I feel numb.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 09/04/2015 16:35

Gosh. It's so hard. Someone who should be on your team, helping you, supporting you and you him just isn't.

It's s real shock.

But that's what you need to get your head around just now. This man is not your friend of on your side. It is s kind of madness on his part and you should treat it as such.

You can't do anything it preserve yourself right now which means kicking out the madness element of your life. That means him. He will pull the rug from under you whilst he is still infatuated with this woman.

Whether you decide his behaviour is eventually forgivable is up to you but right now you have to protect yourself and your child by being entirely ruthless with him. That's because he thinks he can do what he likes and you will suck it up.

Wrong.

winkywinkola · 09/04/2015 16:37

You can't do anything BUT preserve yourself I meant to type

mix56 · 09/04/2015 16:57

sorry you are inevitably feeling so betrayed. You could just text him & say his things are on the doorstep. not much point in discussing it. in fact he will know you know. he played around, he got caught, you are not a carpet.

AccordingtoSteve · 09/04/2015 18:23

Genuinely gutted for you Op

I really couldn't get over the lying, sorry Sad

clam · 09/04/2015 19:59

" he played around"

Well, in fairness, we don't actually know he has played around yet. He's behaved badly, for sure, and isn't showing the OP much loyalty/care but he may not have physically "done" anything - yet.

mix56 · 09/04/2015 20:54

yes, thats true, but he is hiding info & lying, sending suggestive emails, picking fights & saying he will leave with the baby, promising to set up another woman's new property. going out eating & drinking on the sly.
For me, if nothing else using her as a confidant, & OP is taking a very clear 2nd place...... so he is playing at something.

Hobby2014 · 10/04/2015 11:42

Hope you're okay OP.

HellKitty · 10/04/2015 18:39

How are you whenwillsummer?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 19:49

Sorry I've been quiet, have been busy and burying my head in the sand.

Not had it out with him yet, was going to wait until weekend because I'm feeling really ill but it will be once Dc is in bed.

He came home late again, asked what I'm working next week so he can plan his social life. He only goes out with one person so that was pretty obvious. I'm raging every time his phone goes off, I can't keep this in much longer.

Don't even know what I'm going to say.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:54

He came home late again, asked what I'm working next week so he can plan his social life.

Holy. Shit. "What are you working next week, so I can plan my affair"?

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:54

I can't keep this in much longer.

Why are you trying to keep it in?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 19:57

I was hoping if I buried my head in the sand everything would go back to normal.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 19:59

Sad. I'm so sorry you have been dealt this hand but you don't need to keep hold of it.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:59

I was hoping if I buried my head in the sand everything would go back to normal.

I think that's an understandable and human reaction. But you know it's not a winning strategy.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 20:01

Yeah I know, I'm a nervous wreck now.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:04

Would it help to talk through (on here) what you're going to say?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 20:08

It might do.

OP posts:
Phoenixashes · 10/04/2015 20:11
Flowers
BorisJohnsonsHair · 10/04/2015 20:12

Sorry to hear you're feeling so wound up about this OP.

I think being pregnant does tend to make you more paranoid and vulnerable though.

If I were you, I would sit down with him and explain everything. How you feel jealous of their friendship, the way he treats her, all your fears about the future. Try not to get sarcastic or nasty about her. Say this is really genuinely how I feel and please be honest with me.

You need to be able to trust one another. At the moment you don't trust him because he's lying, and he can't trust you because you snoop at his text messages.

I really wouldn't jump to conclusions about their relationship; he may just find it easier to talk to a female friend about his worries and although it's hard and probably seems disloyal, it may all be perfectly innocent.

Please give him the chance to discuss this all calmly with you as you really don't want to get into an argument and end up breaking up your family over it.

Best of luck Smile