What is this?

[Whenwillsummerbegin]

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

What do you think he's telling her. "Oh yes it's over, and I am going to leave her, just waiting till the baby's born so I'll get custody". He may be spinning her a load of lies about you too.

My exh was like this with various different women while we were together, it nearly killed me. The secrecy, the lies, the 'never really knowing' what he was up to.

By contrast, just to give you some perspective of what real friends of the opposite sex are like - my current partner also has some friends who are female. He's known them for years. But as soon as he could he arranged for me to meet them. They're now my friends as well as his. We socialise together, if he talks to them on the phone he puts them on speaker so I can say hello. If he gets a text he tells me. I know about these friends and their lives and I can completely see that they are just that: friends, nothing more.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's truly awful. It won't get any better, in fact I would go as far to say it will get much worse when the baby comes. For your own sanity please do something about it now. Don't do what I did and bury your head for years (10 years in my case! ) You will waste years of your life that could be spent with someone who truly loves you and makes you feel like you're the only woman in the world.

Oh summer please have more respect for yourself, you deserve so much better.

This man is not the one for you, he is a liar, he makes you feel bad, a loving man does not do this to his pregnant partner.

Take back control of your life, you can do it.

Don't put up with being second best.

Yeah, my ex didnt actually sleep withhis new partner until they were married. The only reason I believe that is the little bit I got to know her later, and my daughter's opinion of their stepmother.

Nevertheless, my ex was having an affair, dating her, done with me, but making sure he had a new nest lined up before leaving.

20 years later, he did the same thing to her. Didnt work so well, wife3 caught on to his long term system and left him.

Foolish wife2 returned. She deserves him then, I guess.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum; take control and YOU decide what happens next, not him.
You'll never trust him again, EVER. Once the trust's gone, it's high impossible to get it back.

Get rid of him, he's a lying piece of scum. As for the baby, tell him no judge is going to let him take it away from its mum, it sounds like he is threatening you. He's walking all over you, and you're allowing it.

An ultimatum wouldn't get you anywhere even if he did choose you. You already know he's perfectly willing to lie to you in order to see this woman, there's no reason to think that would suddenly change.

No matter if he's having an emotional affair, a physical one or just a friendship - he lies to you. He manipulates you. He threatens you. He tells you you're basically nothing more than an incubator. He ignores your feelings and concerns. He says 'I'm going to do whatever I want, I don't care how you feel about it'.

How can you forgive that? How can you ever trust him again? He's not even telling you anything will change. It's your relationship and ultimately your choice but I think the uncertainty and resentment will eat away at you and cause you a lot of stress and pain you just don't need. What's so good about him that he's worth that?

I've been in a similar situation and my OH said that if the relationship made me uncomfortable he would cut ties - and he did. The fact that your partner won't means that he doesn't value your feelings and probably values hers over yours.

People have been quite kind on your thread, bizarrely on mine I got ripped apart, even though he 'did the right thing' people still told me to LTB, then got snippy at me when I didn't.

Please be careful - you now have no way of knowing what is going on, and he is going to be 100% more crafty...

Just a tip - does he message you using messenger? If so, you can tap the message and it gives the location the message was sent from if it doesn't you can change it to enable location in settings. Try and keep correspondence like this if you don't trust him to be where he says he is.

Did you take photos of the messages you saw? That way you have proof even if he deletes them afterwards

We will all be here for you when you catch them at it and they are laughing about it but why put yourself through that? You are worth more than his pity shag because she's made him horny but they couldn't find a place to shag, sorry, it's awful to say but it is as basic as that.

A man who needs an ultimatum to stay doesn't really want to be there and he's already made his choice but hearing you say you are not happy and he has said he won't stop seeing her for you.

So, here is a solution:
Can you get a man in to change the locks quickly?
Text the jerk & say,? "Actually I am too good for you. your bullshit half truths don't do it for me, You are gone. your stuff is on the door step,
My children & I deserve more than your cheating, lying, deviousness, crap father figure. I have changed the lock on my door. you are history.

Done. Phone off, go & visit a friend, parent, family, just go away for the night

You're having his baby right? That means he should be doing all he can to look after and nurture you both. You and your unborn baby should be the focus of all his energies. He should be doing nothing to make you feel stressed and anxious at such an important time. Your hormones will be all over the place and he should be making allowances for that - even if he secretly thinks you're bonkers, unreasonably jealous etc. In normal, loving relationships men cherish their partners when they are pregnant - they don't make them feel unloved, anxious and stressed. Whether or not he's having a physical relationship with this woman is, to some extent, irrelevant. The cavalier and unloving way he's treating you is very relevant and you ought to be thinking carefully about how long you will put up with it.

Absolutely agree with stonecircle there.. he is NOT acting in any way like he cares about you summer

My cousins exh was friends with a lesbian. Then she found them shagging and now they are married and have been together ever since. Her dignity suffered and she's still suffering the humiliation and hurt of sticking by him as he mistreated her then upped and left her for the lesbian. He is treating you badly so you will end it OP, give him what he wants. You are destined for better things than this lowlife so don't take another day of it.

OP - just because he hasn't shagged her yet doesn't mean he isn't doing anything wrong.

• he's lied to you repeatedly
• he causes arguments between you two just so he can go and see her
• he has told you he won't chose you and his baby over this woman
• he is willing to drop everything for this woman
• he is risking his relationship because he wants to be around this woman so much

Yeah he hasn't banged her yet but to be honest I don't think it'll be much longer until he does.

I know you're looking for something positive to Cling onto but accepting all this "just because he hasn't slept with her" is just plain stupid.

He is treating you like a fool. Right now he knows you will do nothing about it which is why he isn't going to change.

Op if it is any consolation I know of at least 3 women who were lesbians, ended up marrying men, then came out again later in life. I wonder if this woman is having a crisis as far as her sexuality is concerned. Maybe she feels like getting with a man is what society says she should do. I'm a lesbian and believe me I know the feeling.

My point is, I don't think whatever is going on between them if they do end up together, will last indefinitely. Some men are dumb enough to believe they can fundamentally change a woman's sexuality. These women lead them on then fuck them off later on.

I say these women lead them on however there are a lot of men who do badger lesbians until they get what they want. Been there myself many times!

Well this 'lesbian' seems pretty keen on the op's oh herself.

Summer, hope you're okay and beating up.

You know, you will feel better if you take control and not let your oh dictate to you.

How are you summer ? I keep thinking of you and hoping that you are doing ok