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Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 10:18

Yes it's the lying that's doing it for me. To be fair to him I have been jealous when he's mentioned meeting her and took the piss about him going on a date. I can see why he has lied but it's not good enough.

I'm worried about this all blowing up and me being left alone with the baby. It was him who wanted a baby, I didn't want another one. I don't want to have to cope on my own. He keeps saying he's going to wait until the baby is born and then take it. He's not going to I won't let him and I would cope on my own I'd just rather not have to if that makes sense.

OP posts:
mistymeanour · 08/04/2015 10:18

Tell him you really would like to meet her - have her round or meet up in the work town. He should want you to know his friends. His reaction will be very telling. You need to have a serious talk with him and you need reassurance and attention. You do not need this stress!!!

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 10:19

I think that text was him fishing to see if she has any feelings for him.

OP posts:
GoadyFuckAaargh · 08/04/2015 10:20

OP personally I would gather more info I'm afraid (this is just the way I am)

ok, so he is being secretive, not really taking your feelings into consideration, seems to value this friendship above your relationship and now is doing a bit of diy for her is her rabbit out of batteries

but, when you confront him he will tell you he is being secretive because he knows you don't like their friendship, and of course when he finds out you have looked at his phone he will turn everything around and paint you as the bad guy.

you need more information.

have you considered what you will do if he is actually fucking her?

mistymeanour · 08/04/2015 10:24

"he keeps saying he is going to wait to the baby is born and then take it" WTF!!! This puts a whole different complextion on things -this man is NOT your friend. He sounds toxic and abusive. He cannot take your baby - don't put his name on the birth certificate and takes steps to remove him fromyour life. I know you don't want to cope on your own but it sounds like it would be a lot lot less traumatic and much healthier for your DC if you did

agnesnott · 08/04/2015 10:25

Hi op I hope you ok but it does seem there more to this. Why would he have already said he will wait till the baby us born and then take it. That isn't something a happy, committed man would say. Are there other issues too?

overmydeadbody · 08/04/2015 10:27

What do you mean he keeps saying he'll wait until the baby is born and then take it? Have you had conversations about splitting up?!

If you are having conversations about who gets to keep the baby at this stage then I don't think your relationship sounds like a loving long-standing one. Sorry OP.

Invite her round for dinner. Tell your DP you want to get to know her and that his friends are welcome round your place anytime. See what his reaction is.

hereandtherex · 08/04/2015 10:27

Lesbian eh?

What age?

Is she after sperm?

Rosieliveson · 08/04/2015 10:29

OP, I feel so bad for you. Going through this when pregnant isn't fair.

I agree with confronting him. Do you know where she lives? Take him a bag of his clothes and tell him that you know he has been lying and that he can stay there! I think he wants to have his cake and eat it!

GoadyFuckAaargh · 08/04/2015 10:31

what? he is going to take your baby?

did I misread or do you already have one dc?

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 10:31

hereandtherex has a point, this is all the nasty lesbian's fault Hmm

BerylStreep · 08/04/2015 10:31

He threatens you that he will take your baby away once it is born? Shock

He's having an emotional affair
He lies to you
He threatens to take your baby away

I think the lying and the affair are the least of your problems.

SylvaniansAtEase · 08/04/2015 10:31

Jesus!

There is nothing, NOTHING to hold back for here.

Your 'D'P is a lying arsehole. Who also thinks it's ok to say things like 'I'll wait until the baby is here and then take it' - WTF?!

If you want a chance in hell of working this out - and I wouldn't bother - then you cannot afford to allow ANY wriggle room here. There is NO discussion to be had. Pack his bags.

Then when you know he's at hers - 'Dear X, I've packed your stuff, while you're fixing things up in X's bedroom, perhaps you'd like to make some room for them in the corner. I don't want to be in a relationship with a lying twat. It's over.'

He isn't shagging her because she's a lesbian? Fuck off. I don't care. I care that you're lying to me about where you are and what you're doing with another person. A relationship without trust is nothing.

He won't give up her 'friendship'? Then he gets to be fucking single with a lovely lesbian friend.

He's going to take the baby when it's born? Ha fucking ha. What he'd be better off doing is spending some time proving to you that although he's a shit lying partner, he can be a trustworthy father. Then he might get to be part of your baby's family.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 10:32

It wasn't a conversation about who will have the baby it was during an argument.

OP posts:
GoadyFuckAaargh · 08/04/2015 10:33

oh vivacia, wind your neck in love. no one said it was all the nasty lesbians fault

jeez

SylvaniansAtEase · 08/04/2015 10:34

Oh and dump him NOW, because the last thing you want is him still 'with' you, fucking with your head, treating you like shit, but refusing to go anywhere until he's bedded himself in with the baby you're going to produce for him - at which point he will refuse to go and threaten you with residence.

Seriously, this guy is NOT a keeper. Think long and hard, but please get rid, now, while you're pregnant and he can do nothing to stop you moving out, moving to the other end of the country, anything. If he's still lodged there when baby is born, it gets harder. To say nothing of having to go through labour with a lying CHEATING fucker next to you.

SylvaniansAtEase · 08/04/2015 10:36

The comment speaks volumes though.

In the context of him really wanting a baby, it's not beyond possibility that that's why he's there with you - and when he's established a relationship with the baby, he'll be off with his 'lesbian' friend and starting court proceedings.

The point is, though, he's a liar. A liar. Don't stay in relationships with liars. It isn't good.

overmydeadbody · 08/04/2015 10:36

That's an awful thing to say in an argument. Actually hurtful. Who says deliberately hurtful things in an argument?

Sounds like you really do need to LTB. He clearly doesn't love you.

overmydeadbody · 08/04/2015 10:38

I agree with Sylvanians.

There is no point in being in a relationship with a liar. No good will ever come of it.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 10:39

Shit I was hoping this wasn't going to go this way on here. I was hoping people would say I was being paranoid. I've been wanting to post for a while but haven't had the guts.

OP posts:
AccordingtoSteve · 08/04/2015 10:43

Even if that text was him fishing to see if she had any feelings for him, why would he do that? He is supposed to be in a committed relationship with you isn't he?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 10:43

Yes he is supposed to be.

OP posts:
IHeartRosPoldark · 08/04/2015 10:45

Just to say I hope you are okay and that you can find the strength to put yourself and your little one first.

You can deal with him, get well shut of him and move on...

I got the "Oh its okay she is a lesbian " line years ago,my heart sinks now, cos now I am older I can see the truth behind it......and like it has been said up post, sexuality doesn't always fit neatly in one box or another does it? Feelings are feelings. Poor you, you show him you're worth so much more, Good Luck OP.x

BerylStreep · 08/04/2015 10:46

You said he was one of the good guys. Why? What is good about him?

Do you have many arguments? Do they often escalate to the point where he threatens to take your baby?

Is your other child his? What age is the other one? When are you due?

Sorry for all the questions.

People on here can't make you leave him, and we don't know the ins & outs of your life, but it does sound shocking.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 10:51

If I'm regularly going for drinks with someone (one on one, not in a group), I expect to introduce them to my partner within a reasonable time frame. Like say after the second time you've met up with them. I would either invite my partner to come out for drinks, or I'd invite them back to our place for dinner. I think this is a) common courtesy and b) builds trust and shows everyone (without being too obvious and awkward) that there's nothing secretive or hidden.

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