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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/04/2015 06:39

I'm really sorry for you OP, your partner shouldn't be treating you like this. I hope you feel better that you have proof of his lying.

clam · 09/04/2015 06:40

But who on earth says 'I've got the postcode in my bedroom?' Hmm

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 06:40

(I don't understand the postcode in the bedroom thing).

Vivacia · 09/04/2015 06:40

Ah snap.

FloristryCommission · 09/04/2015 06:45

I don't understand the postcode thing either.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 06:45

The message said thanks babe it's in my bedroom. Having only scrolled past quickly the other messages.

When I read it again they were talking about him picking her up, she asked if he needed the postcode or knew where it was and he said he knew where it was. Then she said thanks babe it's in my bedroom (meaning the postcode is in her bedroom and she couldn't be arsed to find it if he knew where he was going)

I feel completely sick this morning, can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 06:47

Oh and he's working late again apparently. He said this job is so big and taking so long He almost stayed there last night.

OP posts:
FloristryCommission · 09/04/2015 06:49

I'd have his bags packed today and waiting on the step when he gets home. He's playing you for a fool. Angry

Hurr1cane · 09/04/2015 06:51

"He almost stayed there last night" is him Laying the seeds so he can stay another night. Sorry.

clam · 09/04/2015 06:52

Ask him how he found the time to bigger off house-hunting with her half the afternoon then.

Can't stand a liar! Angry

clam · 09/04/2015 06:53

Bigger? Meant bugger! Blush

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 06:59

I intend to, he's digging his own grave with these comments they are all adding up to one thing.

OP posts:
textfan · 09/04/2015 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 09/04/2015 07:00

I can totally get why you don't want to LTB when pg, I completely get that, I'd be terrified too.
But you also can't remain in this horrible situation, it will make you Ill and rob you of your dignity.
Whatever is going on he is lying to you, deceiving you, excluding you, giving his time to someone else, being unsupportive and putting another person before you.
It's almost irrelevant that she's a female, even a male friend shouldn't really have the position in his life that prioritises his pregnant partner.
It's hard but I think you have no choice.
Rally your supporters and find out your benefit and legal entitlements and go it alone.
It's surely better than this nonsense.
Thinking of you.

youarekiddingme · 09/04/2015 07:03

Whether of not he's having an affair as such in the sexual sense - it's an emotional one and he's prioritising her over you.

How often do you two go for a drink together?

Why's he house hunting with her if he can't be in the family home due to too much work!

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 07:35

The reason he had to work late last night is because he skived off to help her. I bet he took her out for lunch as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 07:38

I'm absolutely fuming the more I think of it.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/04/2015 07:40

I'd stop focusing on him and her and his lies and his this and his that...

Get legal advice. Protect your finances. Get your ducks in a row.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 07:44

We have no joint finances so it should be easy enough.

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 09/04/2015 08:24

OP, whether or not he's having sex with her doesn't really matter because the fact is he is lying to you!!! That alone is bad enough, so if he is having sex with her it just makes it worse.

Just because he might not be doing anything sexual, doesn't mean he isn't in the wrong.

Nobody can tell you whether or not they're banging, but SOMETHING is going on otherwise he wouldn't be lying.

He is lying to you and treating you like a mug so he can go and spend time with another woman.

He goes to extreme lengths because he's that desperate to see her - he starts an argument with you.

He has changed his settings on Facebook so that you won't see status's that he's tagged in. Why would he do that, if he had nothing to hide?

He threatens to take away your baby. Whether he meant it or not you just DONT say things like that.

We are all allowed friends but if my boyfriend was lying to me and treating me like this to see another woman, "lesbian" or not, I wouldn't stand for it.

Honestly, if you keep looking at his phone for 'enough' evidence to leave him you will never find it. I've been there in a past relationship
I've looked at someone's phone and told myself "I'll keep looking at the phone until I have some more real evidence" but I never did find it.....because in my mind I would make excuses up for everything I ever found on there and so even though looking back I should've left straight away, at the time everything I found I make excuses for. "Oh he's stressed" or "oh he's not sleeping with her so the fact he's telling her how beautiful she is doesn't matter".

Justusemyname · 09/04/2015 08:24

Lots of references to her bedroom. Couldn't be more obvious if she laid in front of him with her pants off AngrySad.

Patapouf · 09/04/2015 08:39

His schemes are so elaborate and he's taking you for a fool by lying to you like this.
His grave would have been well and truly dug for me as soon as he threatened to take the baby.

Patapouf · 09/04/2015 08:40

And was there no Wink following the 'it's in my bedroom'?

mamaneedsamojito · 09/04/2015 08:55

Massive alarm bells here. At best he's lying to you and choosing to spend time with her over you. Inexcusable under normal circumstances but downright outrageous when you're carrying his baby. At worst he's shagging her 6 ways from Sunday and planning to do a runner when the baby arrives. I have no idea how you've managed to keep your cool with him so far but I totally agree with the majority on here - you need to confront him and find out the truth. I'd get her number off his phone and ring her too (straight afterwards and in front of him so they can't collaborate) so you can get to the bottom of it without hearing more lies.

AuntieDee · 09/04/2015 09:31

I'd be questioning why she doesn't invite you both round to lunch when she moves? She's excluding you from the 'friendship' and that's why there should be alarm bells. Even if there is nothing romantic going on, a friend doesn't exclude another friend's partner from social events.

I've been in a similar position and played hell. He chose me over his friendship with her (her calling me to high heaven may have helped his decision) and has been NC since.

It could backfire though and be the end of the relationship. You need to decide if you want to lay down the law and be put first, lay down the law and risk him choosing her, or just LTB - only you know if the relationship is worth it...