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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 11/04/2015 08:00

Did you tell him you knew it was bollocks as he'd already arranged it beforehand? What did he say to that?
As he refuses to give her up will he now include you in the friendship?

Sounds like he just tried to shut the conversation down and turn it around to you having a problem with being possessive. Sorry, he's a cunt. What an awful thing to be going through right now.

winkywinkola · 11/04/2015 08:01

You're happy for him to date this woman as long as you know when and where?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 08:06

What should I do then? I really don't know. I don't want to LTB.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 11/04/2015 08:32

If you don't want to LTB then you have to be prepared to share him with OW and IF she gives the green light he will go running, Seeing you upset and is not enough for him to prioritise you and your unborn DC over her, She is his priority right now.
If you can live with all the lack of trust and lies (which will continue and he will be just be more careful in future that you don't find out) and playing second fiddle this "friend" then good luck.
Why are you so desperate to hold onto this cunt when he doesn't give a damn about you??

Vivacia · 11/04/2015 08:42

I agree with inlectore you would need to accept that his loyalties lie with another woman and you and your children come second.

I know someone who lived like this.

MagentaOeuflon · 11/04/2015 08:49

He basically said it wasn't lying

But it was lying. He's lied to you repeatedly about what's been going on with her and you know he has. He's doing the "oh it was nothing, you've got the wrong end of the stick, nooooo nothing's going on how could you think that?" routine and papering over the obvious facts: that he has been lying, putting her before you and basically propositioning her, and they have both been cutting you out. It doesn't matter if he's actually shagging her (though he may very well be and/or will), what he's been doing is not on.

Don't bend over backwards to accommodate being treated like crap by saying "oh it's OK as long as he's honest with me". It's not OK. And what really worries me is the threat to take your baby. That's a huge red flag that this man is abusive and had no qualms about treating you extremely badly. It's well known that if men are going to turn nasty it often happens when their partner is pregnant. I know it's hard and you're bewildered and don't want it to be happening. But you need to think about what he's really like. If it gets worse, please don't keep taking it.

HellKitty · 11/04/2015 09:29

I know you don't want to LTB but can you live with a man who lies? I used to live with one and he'd only lie about money and work, that got very old very quick. You end up feeling crazy as you don't know what to believe anymore.

Did you tell him that meeting her after your argument was pre-planned and so a lie?

Justusemyname · 11/04/2015 09:36

Oh dear. He is going to shag her the second he can because you have given him permission too, just as long as he tells you first Sad.

Smooshface · 11/04/2015 09:57

He was still lying after you confronted him - that isn't a good sign. He had the opportunity to come clean, he wasted that opportunity, it doesn't sound like he respects you.

And, tbh, even if you were making him choose between you and the friend, the fact that he has no qualms about sticking by his 'friendship' means that he isn't really in this for the long haul.

I am sorry. I went through something similar (long time ago now), I'm happy out of it and they are married now. I could never have been happy knowing that he was a liar, just waiting for the day when they would be the one to say goodbye. At least if you chuck him out now you are in control, no "surprises", and you can be in charge of pregnancy. He is a shit for starting this now though.

Flowers and hope you can figure this out. None of us can make you do anything, but I think you must know what you have to do for yourself and your baby, even if it's difficult.

mix56 · 11/04/2015 10:03

Sorry to see that you don't know that your are worth MORE, you do not need someone who treats you like this, & I would be interested to know how he would feel if you were lying & slinking off to meet an old man friend & leaving him alone all evening repeatedly etc. & I hazard to say, that the only way to discover if he really cares for you, is to to tell him to fuck off, & see if he changes his attitude re the "friend".
So I strongly ENCOURAGE you to "rip off the plaster", tell him you know he is lying & he can go & be cosy with her, & not to bother coming back unless he wants to be a loyal supportive father to be. instead of a bastard

mix56 · 11/04/2015 10:08

Also, the fact that all your finances, flat etc, are not in joint names, insinuates that he isn't interested in a long deep sharing life with you.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 10:10

The trust has gone, he's at work and all I'm thinking is is he with her, I can't live like this. He will keep deleting messages and I will never find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 10:11

Do I give him an ultimatum? Me or her? I know who he'd choose.

OP posts:
Stitchintime1 · 11/04/2015 10:14

Sort out your finances, build up your support network and prepare for the worst. I went through all this nonsense. Not wanting to leave but knowing that he was a lying cheat. Everybody told me to leave. Not MN but in my private life. Everyone. It took me ages. The things is he will probably want to go anyway. He's fucked up his marriage and his homelife and the whatever he has with her will look rosier by comparison. He may well leave before you do. If you can't deal with the emotional situation, at least deal with the practicals. I saw a lawyer at least two years before I actually left. £500 well spent. I knew what the deal was. He was blowing twice that on nights in hotels.

MagentaOeuflon · 11/04/2015 10:16

If he'd choose her, then there's your answer. So don't let him choose – you choose not to have a lying, argumentative, threatening piece of scum as your partner. Giving him an ultimatum puts him in the driving seat and the likelihood is even if he chose you, he'd continue to see her and just try harder to conceal it. I'd take control and tell him to leave (and mean it).

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 11/04/2015 10:20

You choose what you want not him.
He made his choice when he told you he wont give up his girlfriend

Can you speak to your friends or family
You need some real life support

And even if he chose you, it wont matter as you wont know if he is still seeing her or not

Isthereeverarightime1 · 11/04/2015 10:22

If you know who he would choose, why give him the choice?
It's so easy for us to sit here and say leave him but honestly what is he doing for you other than increasing your stress levels?
It's so hard when you dont trust your partner, everything they do makes you wonder, every text you think who is it, it's a horrible existence and one that isn't good for you or your dcs. If you don't already you may end up hating him and wishing you had left him along time ago.
Do you have anywhere to go/stay if you did leave him?
It's a horrible situation to be facing do you have any friends to help?

Cherryapple1 · 11/04/2015 10:22

You choose - and your options are stay with him and never trust him or get rid of him. Or stay with him and wait for him to build his relationship with her and then leave you anyway.

Stop giving him all the power.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 10:23

The thing is she's not his girlfriend. From what I've read nothing has happened between them.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 11/04/2015 10:28

As an aside, I have never felt the need to delete text messages. I am certain my DH hasn't either.

Deleting texts isn't normal behaviour.

Cherryapple1 · 11/04/2015 10:30

whether she is his gf or not is irrelevant - he is lying and you don't trust him. And he is making you feel like utter shit. Isn't that enough? Are you saying unless he has sex with her you won't leave him? What is your bottom line?

BerylStreep · 11/04/2015 10:31

I think I asked before, in whose name is the tenancy? Is it a private tenancy or housing association?

It might be worth checking your finances on one of those websites to see what you could be entitled to. And speaking to a lawyer too.

Can you get hold of one of his payslips?

MagentaOeuflon · 11/04/2015 10:34

That doesn't matter though. Firstly you have no proof of where his willy has actually been, you can't know that. But even if he's not "with" her you know that he's lied and caused a fight to be with her instead of you, concealed from you that he's spending time with her, prioritised time with her over you, talked to her about them getting together, promised to spend time doing up her place when he should be 100% focused on you and the baby, and threatened to take your baby away when it's born. (So that he and she can play happy families with your child presumably?)

These aren't the actions of a man who has any respect for you or wants to stay with you. Convincing yourself he's not actually physically cheating won't change that. I know it's heartbreaking and the timing sucks, but it would be better to face up to it now, separate from him and make sure his name is not on the birth certificate (to help prevent him carrying out his threat).

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 10:36

House is privately rented with my name on the tenancy.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 11/04/2015 10:37

So you can make him leave and he has no legal recourse. And I would not put his name on the birth cert either.