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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 20:54

What if you don't see anythign quite incriminating enough

What I am tryign to say is...it doesn't actually matter whether he has fixed the ole boiler or shagged her seven ways since Sunday

he is treating you like you are stupid, he is lying and making up stories to cover up his actions

it's not emotionally healthy for anyone to tolerate that kind of treatment and that should be the reason you draw a line under it

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 20:56

Even if he isn't unfaithful, he still treats you badly and threatens to take away your baby. Surely that is enough without any more evidence? Be aware you prob will never find out the full extent, even with extensive snooping.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 20:58

I will be confronting him about the lying, I don't think he has shagged her I just need to see exactly what he's lied about. He can't deny it if it's in black and white. All I have so far is from a 30 second peek.

It's the lying I can't stand.

OP posts:
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 21:00

I will also be having it out with him about the baby.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:12

Good luck, love. Many women would have considered threats to make off with a newborn baby as a dealbreaker. Maybe have a think why you don't ?

notsurewot2do32 · 08/04/2015 21:13

OP I really feel like you haven't acknowledged any advice on here regarding the situation.. Maybe you shouldve just asked for a rant and not what you should do...the two are very different things.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 21:16

having it out with a man who wants to take your newborn away - of course, that'll learn him won't it.

DragonsCanHop · 08/04/2015 21:17

Oh god poor you, he really isn't putting your feelings into consideration at all is he?

You are pregnant and anxious which has made you a bit snippy when he has mentioned meeting up. Does he think about how that makes you feel? No, he hides it from you and lies to you.

The lying is just horrible, spending every day not knowing if you can trust where he is and who he is with, that isn't a life.

Good luck with talking to him, you need to think about what you want from him and if he is capable of giving the basics it to you.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 21:21

I don't think he meant it about taking the baby.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:24

no, he didn't actually mean he would actually take the baby

What he really wanted to do was hurt you, frighten you, cow you and get you to STFU and give him his own way

But that's ok. Errr....

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 21:28

No because that's not what happened, I told him he was being ridiculous.

I'm not saying any of this is ok, all I said was I want to read his texts before I confront him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 21:31

and of course you have to do this your way

but it won't get you anywhere, I am afraid

decide whether how he is behaving now is ok by you would be my advice

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 08/04/2015 21:33

He Meant it.
A loving person wouldn't say any of that..
Don't make excuses
He will get worse over time.
This is who he is.
He is telling you and so is everyone here.
Don't be afraid to speak you have a voice.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 21:56

He may not take the baby - but he is using bullying and threats to control and abuse you. This will be just the start of it. He will not get better, I can guarantee it. Sorry.

PandorasToyBox · 08/04/2015 21:56

What he is doing to you is abusive, the lying is designed to take away YOUR choice. All that will happen if you stay is that he will up the lies.

He energy should be directed at you and your baby, it isn't, he is investing his emotional/physical energy in to an other woman.

Telling you that he will tack YOUR baby away is as a one off a disrespectful and controlling thing to say, as more than a one off, well it's what he is thinking and likely will try to do.

Either way he is abusing YOU.

Good luck op, I am so sorry that you are in this position, I hope that you make the right choice for you. Life is far too short for putting up with things such as this.

Thanks
Patapouf · 08/04/2015 22:06

I cannot believe he said he would take your newborn away from you! I have said some disgustingly hurtful things during arguments but nothing as bad as that.
Why do you need evidence, you already have enough to see he's a wrong'un.

BolshierAyraStark · 08/04/2015 22:12

He's lying to you to spend time with her, for that alone I'd show him the door-completely unacceptable.
As for the threats to make you STFU... he clearly thinks he can treat you like shit & you'll just accept it-why is that do you think?
You don't need to see his phone to come to the conclusion he's a bullying wanker of the highest order. Do yourself & your child a favour & tell him to fuck off to his 'friend' permanently Hmm

inlectorecumbit · 08/04/2015 22:43

who cares what his texts say-he has probably deleted most of them anyway.
For what it's worth the lying alone would finish it for me. He obviously cannot be trusted and your relationship has to be built on trust.
If he is not already shagging her (and l think that is what he has been doing tonight) he soon will be when you add a newborn baby into the mix.
Better to start of alone with the baby rather than all the heart ache and drama spoiling what should be a wonderful time with your newborn.
What a twat

Wotsitsareafterme · 08/04/2015 23:00

Just read the whole thread. Hope you are ok op

Wotsitsareafterme · 08/04/2015 23:01

Just read the whole thread. Hope you are ok op

Whenwillsummerbegin · 09/04/2015 06:17

I've managed to have a look at his texts.

He didn't go and fix something in her bedroom he went with her to view a house she's renting. The postcode for the house was in her bedroom.

The tag on fb was to say thank you for helping. He replied anytime for you, that place could be great with a lot of my hard work. She said it's great I have so many good friends. He said she deserves them because of her wonderful positive attitude.

Found texts inviting him for dinner when she moves in and a plan to meet up for a drink soon.

Need to go to work so haven't processed how I feel yet.

OP posts:
FloristryCommission · 09/04/2015 06:24

Very sus. I've binned off men for less than that.
How do you feel now?

MontysMum8 · 09/04/2015 06:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MontysMum8 · 09/04/2015 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HellKitty · 09/04/2015 06:39

So she's blocked you from certain FB posts? Or he's hidden you from notifications? Something very wrong is happening. The pair of them are in it together, whether it's a sneaky friendship or a full blown affair. Fuck them both off. And I imagine the law is 100% on your side about your baby so don't even worry about that. I would go and get a free solicitor half hour to set your mind at rest though. Emotional abuse at its worst.

As for the lesbian nuances on her FB, don't hang onto those for reassurance. She might be teasing men.