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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 20:14

aww, you poor thing

you know when you open this up it will make it real

but it is real and it may not be as bad as you are imagining

don't sit on this

for a start, it will make you ill

and secondly, it might not have gone as far as what you consider a dealbreaker and you could pull this back from the brink

but either way, doing nothing is not an option, love

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:14

I would tell him that you know everything and that more than anything you're upset that he's lied to you. So, he has one, and only one chance to speak the truth.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 20:15

I don't think anythings happened between them, I do think he fancies her though and if she gave him the green light then who knows.

I can't take the lies.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 20:21

Then stop taking them !

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 20:22

I'm going to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 20:24

When ?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 20:28

Tonight.

OP posts:
Phoenixashes · 10/04/2015 20:31

AF talks sense.

I would not have been able to contain my rage.

FeijoaSundae · 10/04/2015 20:33

My fury would have bubbled over long before this point. I'm afraid to say you're just delaying the inevitable. This can't go on.

Lots of luck, you deserve so much better. Flowers

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 10/04/2015 20:38

Quick help, how do I even start this convo

OP posts:
BorisJohnsonsHair · 10/04/2015 20:41

Just say "I've got to talk to you about something. It's eating away at me and I need to know the truth." Then tell him how you are feeling.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:43

I would tell him that you know everything and that more than anything you're upset that he's lied to you. So, he has one, and only one chance to speak the truth. Then stop talking.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 20:46

Be prepared for him to turn it round on you - he will try and condemn you for snooping. Just be firm and say that it's not about you looking on his phone, it's about him lying...

FeijoaSundae · 10/04/2015 20:51

He will absolutely turn this around to your snooping and fixate on that, but you would never had snooped, had you not been so sure something was amiss; that's the whole point.

Let him know that he's destroyed the trust in your relationship, and now you're at this point. It's his lying and behaviour that's caused this, not your snooping.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 10/04/2015 20:52

OP

I totally get the need to find incontrovertible evidence, and the need to find undeniable proof that you can present. I completely understand it, because I was that person too. I saw the occasional over-friendly text arranging drinks/dates; later I didn't see any because his phone was stuck like glue in his pocket.

While I understand it, and have done it too, with the benefit of my hindsight, please let me warn you: it will eat you up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just saying: this is NOT ON. I do not like this. I do not want to hear your justifications or your defensive arguments or your lies. Do not treat me like this. If you will not be honest with me and respect me and my feelings, get the hell out of here.

When I got my proof (14 months after the first casual text exchange), I did congratulate myself on my detective skills, but that did not win me back the 14 months I spent wasted with a knot in my stomach, an ache in my teeth, and turmoil in my mind.

Please be clear in your mind what is the best outcome for you. I wish you the very best, but most of all I wish you peace and confidence. Flowers

stonecircle · 10/04/2015 21:24

I had a long term boyfriend in my twenties who had a flat next door to 2 lesbians. He was really friendly with one of them and I didn't think it was a problem at all - until I found them in bed together one day. Best of luck OP.

HellKitty · 10/04/2015 21:29

Let him do the talking, let him tie himself in knots.

You have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 06:18

Had a chat. He basically said it wasn't lying and does he want me to tell me about every minute detail of his day in case he misses something. He admitted meeting her after he went to stay with his mum but said it was only because we had had a row and he needed someone to talk to. That was bollocks because it was already arranged on the Sunday.

I laid it all out how I felt. He said he's not interested in her and loves me etc etc.

Ended with him saying he wasn't going to give up his friend because of me.

Not sure what to do or say now but the thought of him seeing her is giving me the right jealous rage. I think I've done more harm now because he knows I've been snooping so will hide the evidence more. All messages from her have been deleted from his phone.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 11/04/2015 06:50

He's hiding evidence and still lying.

Why is she so very important?

More important than you? It would seem she is.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 11/04/2015 07:00

He is lying to you.

What do you want to do now.
Accept it and shut up or do something that's right for you.
Why did he want a baby with you Whenwillsummerbegin
He is not trustworthy any more.

mix56 · 11/04/2015 07:19

But there's more isn't there. He hasn't told you about taking the afternoon off etc. He hasn't come clean, his friend is more important than you. If he loves you he will invite her over & prove to you that they are just buddies.
Sorry this appears it isn't over. How much longer do you plan to hedge your bets to avoid facing reality? If you ignore it, it will just go away......
You have 1 child, & will be having another. You do not need a 3rd immature adult to ruin the rest.

Vivacia · 11/04/2015 07:23

Not sure what to do or say now

What are your options?

  • Keep on as you are, getting more and more jealous and crazy.
  • Accept the situation, let him get on with it and live in blissful ignorance.
  • Decide not to put up with this and separate.
Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 11/04/2015 07:37

I need to put my foot down and say no more lies. That's not going to help my jealousy when he goes to see her. I feel like the trust has completely gone I don't trust him at all.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/04/2015 07:47

Have I got this right then? You're going to say, "I accept that she is your friend then and I accept that you're going to spend time with her. However, you can't lie about seeing her, you need to tell me. And if that involves writing it down in order to remember, so be it"?

Personally I think you'd be a fool to do this.

Vivacia · 11/04/2015 07:48

I need to put my foot down and say no more lies.

Also, the reason he lies is not due to you not putting your foot down firmly enough.