What is this?

[Whenwillsummerbegin]

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

Hi WWSB. I think you should disregard the 'L' word, it's just being used to mislead you. It would seem you have a problem.

As far as I know she did have a girlfriend at one point.

Sexuality is not always a fixed either/or, you know. She could have had boyfriends too that you don't know about. Even if she didn't, that doesn't mean she is not open to a relationship with a man; just as someone who has only been with men before is not necessarily immune to falling for a woman.

Besides, regardless of whether she would accept his advances or not, sounds like your DP is making a bit of an ass of himself. Meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink is a perfectly ok thing for friends to do, but flirting, lying and orchestrating arguments with you is way beyond the pale. (I'm afraid "fix something in her bedroom" made me snigger a little.)

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

Would that be affixing a condom to his dick?

He may not be banging her yet but he certainly is trying. sorry OP.

I know it made me snigger too, I only had the briefest moment to check this morning so didn't see the whole conversation just he was going to fix something today in her bedroom.

Part of me thinks I'm being silly but I can't cope with the lying.

I don't know whether to confront or keep snooping.

Any previous sexual leanings are irrelevant. This is an emotional affair.

How are you getting all the details of the planning, by looking at his texts???

Orchestrating an argument so he can slope off - that's reprehensible - and shows his respect for you is zero. How on earth did you not confront him at the time??????

You have more than enough evidence here.

How long have you been together? Do you have dc? What are you going to do????

Maybe so, but that doesn't seem to be affecting your DP's relationship with her, it may even be part of the attraction. I responded to your post because I had an ExP who got up to the same tricks with a work colleague, and I soon realised that he was describing her as a lesbian simply to put me off the track. I met her once or twice and although she wore rather shapeless lumberjack shirts she flirted with anyone and everyone. And I mean proper flirting, not just banter. Go figure!

I'm snooping at his texts which I'm feeling bad about. He sometimes deletes them before I can read them so my knowledge is a bit patchy.

It was very hard not to confront him at the time but I wanted more evidence, I know if I confront him he will say he lied so I wouldn't get jealous over them meeting.

We've been together 3 years, live together and I'm pregnant.

I don't know what to do.

From what I've read nothing has happened between them. He's nicer to her than he is to me though by text, that's not right is it.

OP I'm so sorry. How are you feeling? The best thing you could do is get angry, bag up his stuff and leave it out on the front garden for when he returns from 'fixing the thing in her bedroom'. And in the meantime, seek support from a good friend.

Do you think it warrants a LTB?

he is a liar

he is nicer to her than he is to you

he meets her in secret

he thinks that you are stupid

what is to hold back for ?

Is your DP coping with the pregnancy well? Could it be a displacement activity - stress/panic about responsibilities of parenthood making him want to put his head in the sand and hangout with someone from his more carefree days?

Do you know this woman at all ? - invite her round for dinner, film night etc - she should be friend of yours as a couple now and less of a secret. It is the subterfuge that is worrying - it may be totally platonic but your DP is not being open. Tell him you are feeling vunerable and that you need reassurance.

Call his bluff. Tell him you know everything then say nothing else. If he asks what, just say everything. Then wait.

???

He's excited about the baby but worried sick it's all going to go wrong.

I've never met her.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

Impending fatherhood does seem to make some men go a bit mental. If he has never behaved like this before and the relationship has been good up to now, I would give him a chance to redeem himself. And the way he can do that is to start telling the truth and to pull his head out of his arse.

I would go with Aussiemum's tactic. If he tries to bluff it out, just tell him to pack his shit and follow his dick round to her place.

I'm going to try and read his messages when he gets home, see what exactly was the plan today then I'm going to have to confront him aren't i?

He's said he's not going to stop being friends with her for me.

I just don't get how they're such good friends but only started meeting up a few months ago and now see each other all the time.

Do you think it warrants a LTB?

This is your life, honey, and your baby. What do you want to do?

If yon bloke is "worried sick" he's got a bloody funny way of helping it not to go wrong. He should be fussing around you, you know, his life partner to whom he made the commitment to share a home and a child. The person on whose wellbeing a good pregnancy outcome depends. Instead he's lying to spend time with someone else. Even if they may never shag - even if it was a collection of old school friends he watches football with - he's still ducking out of his responsibility to you. If they do shag there's the added dimension of risk to the baby from an STD. So really, if being worried is an excuse, it's a poor one on all counts.

He's said he's not going to stop being friends with her for me.

That's not what you're asking though is it?

I honestly never thought he'd do something like this, he was supposed to be one of the good guys.

I don't think anything has happened, that could change this afternoon though. Even if nothing has happened he's lying through his teeth.

My ex went to help a friend with some DIY, it came out some months later he had laid more than her floor. This isn't helping my anxiety over this and is making me wonder if I'm blowing it all out of proportion because of my past experiences. All I know is it's making me feel like shit.

Why have you never met her? That would ring alarm bells for me.

If my DH met up with an old friend he would want me to meet them too, and if he goes to the pub to meet up with friends he always invites me along.

Lesbian or not, it does sound like your DP is having an EA with this woman.

He's never asked if I want to meet her, he works in the town she lives in so they meet after work.

It doesn't look good. Sorry to say, but it is likely to get worse once you have a tiny baby to care for.

The lying would be a deal breaker for me.

I agree, it's not looking good at all. The text about marrying him if she is still single in a few years and his asking her to admit she has always been in love with him! Wtf!