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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 08/04/2015 19:06

Is there the slightest chance that he is terrified of having a baby and is just avoiding being at home? I know a lot of decent men who behaved very badly when the shock of being a father-to-be set in. My EX included. He never got over the shock and left for good - thank God!!

My DSisters husbands gave it a shot but were told in no uncertain terms that their bags would be packed if they kept acting like they were single.

Is there any chance in hell that your H said he would take the child in response to something you might have said in a heated argument along the lines of 'you are the one who wanted this baby?'

I know I am going to get flamed and luckily someone is collecting me at 7.30pm so I won't be online.

I am brutal in arguments if I need to be and have said some things that I can't believe came out of my mouth. A couple of examples:

To teenage DD screaming at me, wrecking my house and telling me that she hated me. I responded by saying 'Not as much as I hate you'. We love each other enormously.

I told someone else that if they threatened suicide once more I would drive them to the top of a cliff.

She could be a lesbian and I really hope she is. Keep checking the messages and bring up the subject as soon as possible i.e. tonight. It doesn't look good for him and if your worst fears are realised you will be able to cope.

I left my EXH husband pregnant with an infant in tow and I am not the only one. We survived and all in all have enjoyed most of our lives so far.

You sound like a lovely person and you will be able to cope with what life throws at you. If he is being unfaithful good luck to him, it will be his loss.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/04/2015 19:07

Magenta I know, it's awful. But I've said stuff in arguments that's hurtful and untrue before when I've been really really upset. I think most people have. It doesn't really mean that he means it.

Hobby2014 · 08/04/2015 19:10

This must be eating away at you OP. I'd definitely confront now. You know he's lied.

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 19:16

Ifyourawizard - how you explain away his threat it take the baby?

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 19:24

men who lie, deceive and treat their pregnant partners like shit are not decent men

EquinoxEclipse · 08/04/2015 19:29

Dude, my lesbian friend shagged me AND my husband, unbeknownst to either of us.... the irony.

Sexuality is a fluid thing, whether she is or isn't gay, it's kind of a red herring - the fact is he is completely disrespecting you, whatever he's up to.

The taking the baby stuff, that's a whole other matter.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 19:48

I think he's on his way home.

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 08/04/2015 20:02

Good luck.
I really like the advice that started with the sniffing. The main part being asking him about his day then stopping him and asking for the truth.
Try to stay calm.
The whole time, remember you're working out what you want and whether he deserves you. Not the other way around.
MN will be thinking of you. Wine or actually Brew because of baby.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 20:08

He's home, really cheerful, asked me why I haven't had any dinner and is now cooking for me. I don't know if the conversation is going to happen tonight, I have a very early start in the morning. Thanks for all the support.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 08/04/2015 20:09

Good luck.

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 20:16

Sneak his phone while he cooks and lock yourself in the bathroom.

Ludoole · 08/04/2015 20:21

What a difficult situation. I hope you find out the truth

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 20:27

what is stopping you from bringing it up

I presume you have regular "early starts" and he is cooking and being pleasant because he knows something is afoot/guilty conscience

remember he knows he has been lying and he knows exactly, he is two steps ahead of you

how is this ok ?

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 20:27

he knows exactly why

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 20:31

It's not ok, I am going to deal with it just not right now.

The phone hasn't left his side.

OP posts:
takemeuptheeiffeltower · 08/04/2015 20:33

And yet another thread where we will never ever find out what happened.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 20:34

it's your life, love

take care of it Thanks

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 20:34

Well, that's the nature of real life isn't takemeup? And people reaching out for help at times, but not at other times.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/04/2015 20:38

Why not go watch a soap eiffeltower if it's all just about your entertainment? Hmm

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 08/04/2015 20:39

Yes, I wish her the best but would still like to know what happened Blush

I know it's wrong, but these threads are the equivalent of reading a whole book, only to find the last chapter is missing!
I know it's wrong to view it like that, and as you say, that's the nature of real life.
Real life isn't like a book. Real life, you either get messy endings, loose endings or no endings.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 20:43

I will update when I can. I did say earlier I probably wasn't going to confront him tonight.

OP posts:
takemeuptheeiffeltower · 08/04/2015 20:44

Take care whenwillsummer Flowers
Do everything in your own time and in your own way.
Or even don't do anything, if that's what you choose.

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 20:45

These threads are people's lives. They are not equivalent to reading a book really.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 20:46

we want you to think about just how much more pisstaking you are prepared to tolerate before you will bring this to a head

not for our sake, for yours

even though you say you are worried it could all blow up in your face...better that than making yourself ill by quietly standing by like a 50's housewife watching him making a complete fool of you ?

that's gotta be suicide for your self esteem, surely

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 20:51

No more piss taking, I want to see his phone then I will know exactly what I'm dealing with.

OP posts:
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