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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 10:53

He was so nice when we first met, aren't they all though. He does treat me well usually unless we are arguing.

Other child isn't his, baby is due August.

OP posts:
popalot · 08/04/2015 10:55

What an arse. Even in a row that is a horrible thing to say. He's a total weirdo and you are best shot of him. Trust your instincts, and the facts, which are telling you his is cheating on you.

The reason why you are confused is that you can't quite believe he would lie to you about it all and tell you she's a lesbian when she's prob bi. This is how these weirdos work. They do something outrageous and throw it back in your face to make you think you're going mad. You are not.

Get rid, get away, hold your head up high. He is the one losing here.

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 10:57

Wow, thread moved on since I started composing my last reply.

You said he "keeps" saying he's going to take the baby. Was this just said in the heat of the moment or has he repeated it after the argument? It's a really stupid and cruel thing to say and I would expect an apology for saying it.

mix56 · 08/04/2015 10:57

You can see something is out of tilter... Can you ring this woman & ask her if she is trying it on, "Just so you know & can throw the future father in her direction immediately rather than play this bullshit game". If she is just a friend, then he shouldn't need to be doing all this lying & subterfuge.

You are pregnant & need to know if you will have a loyal partner when baby arrives, or if he's shagging away. either way, it does look like the intention is there, personally, I would put his stuff in a bin bag on the door step, & tell him to decide who he wants, who needs his support, & who is having his baby.

Do not let him get away with this, if you do your relationship is doomed

popalot · 08/04/2015 10:57

They're all nice when they're not arguing. It's the arguing that shows you their true colours. At what he said is unforgivable. Did he say it in a 'you're mad and I can't trust you with the baby' way? trying to convince you that you're crazy is a basic tactic to control you.

FryOneFatManic · 08/04/2015 10:58

It's often said that someone's true colours only start to show during the partner's pregnancy. I'd say his colours are now beginning to show and you really need to have a hard think about why happens next. Don't bury your head in the sand and leave things until after the birth. Your head may be all over the place and it will be harder then.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 11:13

He has said it a few times to me about taking the baby. He will moan about hating it here and I will say well you know where the door is and he will say I'm waiting for my baby then im leaving with it. I'm not sure he's entirely serious. he must know he has no chance at taking a newborn baby away from it's mum.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 08/04/2015 11:18

They're dating.

He's checked out of your relationship.

You need to not hang around and either ask him to leave or he bins her and starts acting like he's a real partner and father.

He's being a total wanker. Confront and bin.

She's a slag too if she knows about you.

Horrible sleazy creepy pair.

Cherryapple1 · 08/04/2015 11:25

bloody hell - the comment about taking the baby makes me want to weep. Please pack his bags and get rid today.

My ex threatened to take my 1 week old away from me. Still makes me quake now. He didn't succeed but that fear and upset when you are pregnant or have a newborn is just hideous and the worst way a man can treat a woman. Please protect yourself and take care.

mix56 · 08/04/2015 11:50

Sorry, missed the threat about taking the baby.
Alert: if he can say that to you, it is because he has already considered it.
Get rid. it is the only way to see if he really cares & even then, don't put his name on birth cert.

BerylStreep · 08/04/2015 11:51

I think the fact you said you were dreading that posters would say he is awful is telling.

Are we confirming your fears?

I agree with the poster before who said if you need to move away, do it now before you have the baby, otherwise you will be trapped and vulnerable.

Are you financially involved together - mortgage, joint accounts etc? Are you financially dependent on him?

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 11:56

We don't have a mortgage, or a joint account. I work but will be going on maternity leave in a few months. Planning on going back to work after baby.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 08/04/2015 11:57

Thing is, you may have been afraid that if you posted here people would tell you to LTB, but however much anyone here says it, we can't make you do it.

On the other hand, if everyone was all nice and warm and fuzzy, told you not to worry, their DP has zillions of close female friends and they completely trust him, etc etc, it still wouldn't make the reality of the relationship you are in any more comfortable for you to live with.

It's not Mumsnet that you need to fear. This is just a sounding board. Nobody here can change your life without your permission. We can only react to what we hear. And what we've heard so far is increasingly disturbing.

agnesnott · 08/04/2015 12:03

I think Annie's comment is spot on. I've been given advice here some followed some not but it a sounding board. You wouldn't have mentioned his threat to take your baby if it didn't worry you.
And threats in relationships are bullying.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2015 12:18

what the fuck are you with this clown for ?

BerylStreep · 08/04/2015 12:34

AF I've always admired your ability to get straight to the point.

FloristryCommission · 08/04/2015 13:32

Whatever you decide, do NOT out his name on the birth cert.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 14:00

All I can think of is him at her house in her bedroom right now.

OP posts:
katiekatie · 08/04/2015 14:15

Do you know where her house is or can you find out by following him there from work? Knock on the door & dump his stuff inside

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 14:18

I have no idea where she lives or where he's working today.

OP posts:
katiekatie · 08/04/2015 14:20

Apart from threatening to take the baby Hmm the stand out thing here is creating an argument with you so he could get away to see her!! I mean...that's just bizarre and not normal behaviour for someone who wants to see their 'friend' You're preg fgs he shouldn't be making up elaborate ruses to go out & see other women. She's not a lesbian. He wouldn't feel the need to create such lies if she was.

katiekatie · 08/04/2015 14:23

Ok, well I wouldn't let him know you know just yet then because if you tell him you're readinv his messages he'll go mad & turn it round. Wait until there's something really incriminating, photograph it with your phone, print it out, pack his stuff & leave it outside for him

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 14:26

I want to see his phone today because I didn't get a good look this morning. I should work out from that what happened today as long as he hasn't deleted them. After that i think I'm going to have to confront him.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/04/2015 14:26

There's no need to find convincing evidence. You just need to decide that a relationship where one partner chooses to disappear to spend time with an annonymous friend is not for you.

Original poster
Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 14:29

He's just text saying he's going to be really late to
Get this job finished. I
Feel like saying well it would get done a lot bloody quicker if you weren't buggering off to help her for half the afternoon.

OP posts: