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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is this?

293 replies

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 09:07

This is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

Dp has a female friend he's known for years, it's only recently in the last few months that he's began meeting up with her frequently. Previous to that he hasn't seen her for years. This coincided with her becoming single. She is a lesbian as far as I know so I shouldn't have a problem.

The first few times they met I was a bit jealous, I felt really awful about it but thought ok it's a friend I need to have a word with myself. They started meeting up every couple of weeks for a drink and texting in between. I admit I can get a bit sarky when he talks about her.

To my shame I've read the texts and they're very flirty, not Dp's usual style of texting at all. In one he joked with her that all she needed to do was admit that she had been in love with him all these years. She joked back that if she was still single in a few years she would marry him.

Now he's lying to me to meet her, probably because I do get a bit jealous if he mentions going for a drink.

The first time he lied was quite an elaborate plan, on the Sunday he arranged to meet her on the Wednesday for a drink. Tuesday night he orchestrated a massive argument and went to stay at his parents after work Wednesday for the night so he could meet her without me knowing he was home late.

Today he has told me he is working late. I've found out he's skiving off and going to fix something in her bedroom then going back to work.

He doesn't know I know any of this, I've been keeping my powder dry to see if anything else happens. I'm not happy he's lying to me over this regardless of what's going on. If I say anything he just tells me she's a lesbian, just a friend.

What do I do?

OP posts:
derxa · 08/04/2015 14:29

He sounds bloody hideous. Lesbian my arse!!!

pocketsaviour · 08/04/2015 14:35

So it sounds like he's going back to hers again after work?

BitOutOfPractice · 08/04/2015 14:41

It's an emotional affair (at best). A sexual one probably

Sorry OP this is not good

I'd be tenpted to text back.

"I know exactly where you are sunshine. If you're not home in xx minutes with a fucking good explanation for where you've been, you will find your possessions in black sacks on the front step."

Jackie401 · 08/04/2015 15:00

Oh my gosh OP...I am so sorry for the way your DP is treating you. It is wrong on so many levels. I really hope you are ok.

And as for the woman. Wtf is she thinking. Getting another woman's DP to come round and fix something in her bedroom? She is mental.

First up...don't comfront him until you have seen a lawyer. You really really need to get your ducks in a Row before any kind of showdown. Because knowing what your rights are...and how the financial side of things will work...is the strongest position from which to enter into any confrontation with your DP. Do you rent or own? If you own, are your names on the deeds? Are you married? Etc.

I have no idea whther you should leave this guy. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds like he is feeding you an absolute crock of shit. Fixing something in her bedroom? What the actual fuck?

No, no and no. The boundaries these two have are ALL wrong.

Anyway, I digress. Once you have your ducks in a row, then I think you have to be very honest with yourself and if you are not going to leave him them come up with some ultimatums e.g, I do not want you to have any more contact with her whatsoever. Or, you can only have contact but if I am there too.

Good luck OP. Flowers

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 15:04

And as for the woman. Wtf is she thinking. Getting another woman's DP to come round and fix something in her bedroom? She is mental.

Do you really think she's in full possession of all the facts??

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 15:04

(Waits to be told to "wind her neck in". Again).

Jackie401 · 08/04/2015 15:09

Haha...wind yer neck in....but you are right vivacia she may not know. But I think theres a reasonable probability she does know. He's known this female friend for years. That in itself suggests to me that it is likely that she knows he is in a relationship...facebook, social networking, mutual friends. It could be difficult to keep it from her. Yes, if she was just some random who he has just met. But with a history of several years...that becomes much harder to hide. Not impossible but harder. Anyway...it's not the real issue is it. He's in the wrong and that is all that matters.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 15:32

She does know about me.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/04/2015 15:33

But what does she know? That you're some crazy woman stalking him? That you're a deluded soul that he's going to leave as soon as you have his baby? He's lying to OP, why wouldn't he be lying to her?

Jackie401 · 08/04/2015 15:39

Vivacia... I agree. He may well be lying to her. But to be fair... The OP doesn't seem concerned about whether or not the woman knows. It's not her focus. So perhaps we should move away from discussing the issue...or pontificating....as its detracting from the real issue I.e. What should her next step be.

Vivacia · 08/04/2015 15:43

Huh? My point is that the OP should be focusing on the man and I'm not comfortable with some on the thread blaming the woman for his choices. So I guess we're both policing the thread somewhat.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 15:49

Well she's friends with him on Facebook so will know we are in a relationship with a baby on the way. I've seen conversations between them about me so she does know.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 16:00

Your post at 10:18 is horrible Angry. It would be over for that alone never mind his fucking about with the fake lesbian.

mix56 · 08/04/2015 16:03

This must be so painful, am so sorry whenwill; you must be hurting badly, but more evidence isn't going to change the facts that he has been round her place all afternoon, & is coming home late, as he hasn't finished doing his thing in the bedroom. He has lied repeatedly, he will criticize you for looking at his phone, I think the retort is, you have been behaving in a really dork-like manner, clearly lying & rigging a fight to get out, so its best I know NOW, isn't it ? before I have MY baby. You really fucked up. You are out of my life. Jerk

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 16:41

I just want to check his messages today so I can see for certain what happened.

OP posts:
AccordingtoSteve · 08/04/2015 16:45

What time is he due back today?

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 16:50

No idea he hasn't said just it will be very late and I will probably be in bed.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 08/04/2015 16:59

I'd just leave his bags outside.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 17:11

I'm tempted to.

OP posts:
MagentaOeuflon · 08/04/2015 17:18

OMG OP. He has threatened several times to wait until your baby is born then take it Shock... he says he hates it at yours... he lies to you about seeing another woman, who he has asked to declare her love for him, and even starts a row so he can get away??? This is not a good relationship, it has gone very badly wrong and you need to get rid now. What's the domestic situation, is it your house and can you kick him out? Honestly in your situation I'd be relived he obviously wants to get away and be with this woman - grab your chance. I'd also be reporting that threat to the police on 101 and seeing a lawyer.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 17:23

I do know what you're all saying and I would be saying the same if I was reading it. I will be confronting him soon I just need to read today's messages.

OP posts:
notsurewot2do32 · 08/04/2015 17:30

Oh god this is just awful. Please leave immediately. It really is a no-brainer. He is not going round hers to 'fix something' he's shagging her you need no proof to kick this loser out.

Whenwillsummerbegin · 08/04/2015 17:39

Have just unplugged his tablet an theres a notification on screen says she's tagged him on Facebook. I can't see it from my Facebook though argh! So bloody frustrating.

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 08/04/2015 17:46

I'm sorry Whenwillsummerbegin You probably feel like crap - heart pounding and stomach churning.

I really get wanting to know. Honest. It's like the worst compulsion ever. But aside from what might be happening, he's already treating you badly.

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession - please don't do this too.

SouthernComforts · 08/04/2015 17:49

Just to reiterate - if you can possibly avoid it, do not put him on the birth certificate!! That's automatic PR right there. Aka he could take the baby and the police won't get involved if he's caring for it, you'd have to go to court.

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