OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

[Teapartyontheceiling]

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

Does he know you're going?

I would broach this before he even leaves tbh,

He sounds like a shit.

I recognise your writing style - you have posted about this problem before, haven't you?

Did you say/do nothing last time?

If it was just the hook ups and one night stands I might be able to deal with it, but if he's actually dating people and taking up salsa dancing it's as though he's actively trying to find a relationship that will ultimately have him moving away from you and the children….

You say he's approaching 60 - are you a similar age? Are your children still quite young or are they just very dependent on you because of their disabilities?

I think (whatever the outcome) if it were me I'd have to turn up at the salsa dancing and introduce myself to his dancing partner.

You understand why it happened? We have a child with SN and life is stressful but my DH doesn't respond by cheating.

It happened because he has no morals.

I wouldn't lower myself to turning up when OW is there. if you really want to stay with him (I wouldn't) you would need to discuss it properly, probably with a counsellor. And he would need to stop cheating.

He doesn't know what I know, unless he reads this thread. He might, I have a feeling he posted a thread a few days ago. He is the father of my DC and when I married him he was a decent man. I can see how he looks now.

Should I challenge him by going to the party or coming to his place before the party (he is away now)?

Or should I come with DC later as he expects?

"i understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH)."

Good grief. I don't rush to shout LTB ever but seriously ..he should be feeling great alone.

I am younger and the DC are young as well. As I mentioned in OP a principled stance will leave my DC in object poverty, and it is against my values. I need to fight to have some self respect and confidence. Otherwise how am I going to cope?

Shit. I'm sorry.
He's not on your side and doesn't care about what's best for you.
Get your ducks in a row and don't count on him being fair to you

FatFrom, the point is I ruffled some of his feathers. He is reclaming his confidence in a spectacularly gjk#' way.

I totally sympathise.

But..you can also divorce him and take enough for your DC not to live in poverty

You ruffled his feathers? Him acting like a dick is not your fault.

I must sleep. I feel very sad you feel like this. You deserve better.

To be honest, if he has a dream job and is doing well and you have spent the last however many years of your life being persona non grata while you care full time for two SN children, I see no reason on earth why divorcing him should leave you in abject poverty. No court is going to leave you homeless and penniless while your ex-H swans around salsa dancing and spending on Viagra.

I don't understand the abject poverty, either, Tea. What leads you to believe it's the only alternative to being in a marriage by yourself, playing the background music to your spouse's more interesting single life?

I don't know whether you should go to the salsa. What outcome would you intend?

I have no intention of being a background to spouse's single life. This "interesting" life is just starting, it is weeks old and I need to confront him at some stage anyway. It will be his first party of this sort.

If we were rich. I would have already send my lawyers. I really tried to articulate how I see and feel about the issues and decisions I need to make. It would be most helpful if anyone could engage with the information already provided in the posts and with my questions.
My question is also about me, my values, I need to act congruent to myself.

We are engaging with the information provided.

If you do mean to be 'congruent' to yourself and you are unhappy to be the 'background' spouse then really, you know what you have to do.

The £££ is a red herring. If you're not rich now then you won't/cant miss it as a single parent anyway.

Your values are to stay with and work on your marriage. That's good. But his don't seem to be. It is a terrible shame for you but sadly the man who you married, who married you on the basis of those values and who you thought shared those values either lied at the time (let's not go there) or sadly had changed and no longer believes in those values.
If you want to work on your marriage on the basis of your values you need to sit him down and find out what his are. If you no longer share those values then you need to make a choice a) leave your marriage, be that by divorce or separation or by living seperate lives together, acknowledging that this change had happened, or b) continue with your head in the sand pretending that your values are the same, condoning his bheavier, letting your children grow up thinking that this is normal.
You two need to talk.

I am not continuing with option b) I just processed what he is up to and how I feel about it. I am not condoning it.

The only way to sit up and talk is to travel and confront him before the party. Otherwise it will be a month later after a few more parties. He is not in this country now.

What should you do? Get very very angry and rain down holy hell on your dh.

It appears your values are not congruent with his. What a shocking betrayal and disappointment for you. Perhaps you're too shocked to really process what you have discovered: the appropriate feelings, as well as disappointment and loss, are anger and contempt.

You understand his motives for behaving so despicably and for choosing to dismiss his family in favour of fun. Do you approve of those motives? Are they compatible with the values you want in your children's lives, and your own?

I think it might help to process all this if you talk to someone in real life who cares for you. Have you friends & family to lean on?

I don't think you turning up is going to make him stop what he is doing and suddenly be the perfect husband again. I don't understand why you want to save this relationship? Did you post about him before?

Hmm, what not to do:
Make excuses for your pathetic H.

What to do:
Find your RAGE, and show it to your H.

Where's AnyFucker when you need her?

bump

You're happy for him that he's off abroad, enjoying his successful job and shagging other women?

Do you even care about this? If you aren't hurt of angry there is nothing here to 'be moral' about: just see a solicitor ad kick him out!

I don't geddit

I think you've posted before. And that you are living in a parallel universe.

No, I just don't get this.
Do you really WANT this man? Or is it just that you don't want to be divorced?
Why are you so accepting of his behaviour? He is behaving like a selfish jerk.
If he loved you, why hasn't he taken you on this journey of discovery and excitement?