OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

[Teapartyontheceiling]

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

.

I think that's probably best OP.

The enigmatic, cryptic posting style is just beyond odd and makes no sense whatsoever. Can't even answer a direct question. Utterly bizarre.

I think writing and thinking in plain language will be a start. You are complicating everything by writing your life out as some romantic mystery novel.

Your husband is cheating on you. Leave him or be miserable. It's pretty simple.

This is OPs first post isn't it? Mmmm

Nah she's been on quite a while. Never like this though.

It shows that this is her only post on my advance search though. Maybe I am wrong.

are you sure Troll? I cant see any other threads.

I asked MNHQ

Teaparty sweetie, in the nicest possible way your posts are confusing me too. I am confused right from the beginning. So your DH has been working abroad recently, and as an Easter treat you have booked a vacation to take your DC to go and see him in the 'abroad' place. Then you found out that he had been on dating sites, setting up dates in 'abroad', including a salsa party. You want to go and confront him before the salsa party and ask that he take you to the party rather than OW. Do I have that right?

If that is broadly the case, (and I have a lot of clarifying questions to ask because I am still confused) (see note 1 below) then I agree with you, I would want to have a discussion about his behaviour and our marriage vows. Then I would feel more in a position to make a decision about the future of our married life - do I want to stay, how would all this change the balance of control you are talking about, is he gearing up to leave me and should I leave first, etc. But I would definitely want or need the discussion. However I don't think the best way to get a meaningful discussion with him is to show up and surprise him on the night of the salsa party. I think you should find a better time and place, one that will not feel like an ambush to him. Because I fear if you ambush him, the asshole that he is, he will just tell you to fuck off, or the equivalent in whatever flowery language you choose to dress it up in.

Note 1 - a few of my questions:

• why is he looking for women to date abroad? Why not at home? Does he always travel to the same country?
• how does he know about these hookup sites in a country he doesn't even live in?
• why has he organised a party /date for the night you arrive? How will he explain where he is going?
• if it is not the night you arrive, do you mean you would change your flights / travel arrangements to the day of the party just to be able to confront him?
• who would look after your special needs DC while you are at the salsa class with him, assuming your confrontation idea works?
• where are the children while this confrontation discussion is taking place?
• is his company paying for his accommodation and are you and the DC planning on staying with him?
• if yes, and the confrontation goes badly, if he kicks you out, where will you stay with the DC?
• I could go on......

And sorry but what on earth does graticiousely mean?

Gratuitously?

Reads like English isn't OP's first language (possibly)

Elvira I was wondering that too....

I have read all of the posts and I too am confused and frustrated with the lack of questions being answered. There is no way I could stay in a relationship where I was certain that cheating was happening, and where I knew that DH was going on a 2nd date with OW which I think was mentioned in OP. I stayed in a violent relationship for too long because I was worried about the financial aspect but was actually better off financially once Ex DP. left

I promised and booked the Easter holiday for the children and they are excited about seeing dad.

Waiting for him to return home? How long will that be? Can you sit on this for however long that is? A months? I don't know.

So how much time do you and your children actually spend with this man? It sounds to me like some old fashioned set up whereby he already considers himself totally separated from you but you are still in denial of this, and for appearance's sake (or maybe cultural or religious reasons?) you he still plays along at being married while doing the 'decent thing' and sending you some money for yourself and the children each month, so you stay out of his hair. It's all a a bit stiff upper lip and pre-war, isn't it?

OP's enigmatic writing style sounds to me as if she's been alone with her thoughts, trying to make sense of her husband and marriage, for a long time. When you are in that place, words and sentences can become like code to outsiders, because you've used them to talk to yourself for such a long time you automatically skip over the context, because you know exactly what you mean. It also becomes hard to see why others can't understand what you're saying. OP's tendency to see other people's genuine concerns and questions as attacks on her and imagining them laughing at her, to me also indicates that she is not used to being cared for or taken seriously. It's hard to engage with someone in that situation, but please remember she is probably just as baffled by this conversation and might find it very difficult to let go of the protection she finds in sticking to what she wants to discuss and engage openly herself.

OP, I understand that you may feel a bit like you're being attacked and sympathise.

I think you have to take a step back and realise that the invective is not directed at you, its at the situation and specifically at the fact that your husband appears to have bullied you and conditioned you to the point where you can't recognise abuse and disrespect for what it is.

Many of us have been in abusive or disrespectful situations like this and, having come out the other side and having had the scales fall from our eyes, we have little patience with the continuance of these myths.

No-one is trying to hurt you: we are all (some in fairly robust terms) trying to shake you out of your reverie and make you understand that you should not have to tolerate this.

Having a strong sense of wanting to preserve your marriage and honour your vows is admirable but as long as your husband is not holding up his part of the bargain this is not going to work.

Please don't be upset -- keep posting and keep seeking help. There are a lot of very wise and brave women on here, some of whom are frustrated and short-tempered with the fact that you appear to be deluding yourself in this situation. None of this means people aren't wishing you the best and here to help you.

Hearts prior to this instance OP's dh went away abroad again very recently. She posted because she discovered he had taken Viagra with him.

He was to be away for two weeks for work but booked an extra week 'just for himself'. This happened not very long ago. She posted on a Saturday saying that she was expecting him home on Monday and what should she do.

I remember the days because there was no chance of getting legal advice until he was already home. I think the thread may be been deleted 'to protect poster's privacy' but not sure because I can't remember thread title.

There was no mention of him being away for months, or when will see him again, so this might be a new development.

Anyway this is why I've been asking what happened on that occasion. OP now says she didn't discuss this with him at the time. I've asked why not but she seems unable/unwilling to give a coherent answer. That's why I wondered if drugs/alcohol had been used, especially last night.

It's a shame because a lot of people here are trying very hard to help her and persevering in the face of what appear to be stubborn and accusatory posts.

OP it seems like you are under an inordinate amount of stess at the moment and you must be on edge wondering what your husband is doing and how to confront him.

I think it would be worthwhile to visit your gp about all the pressure you are under and see if you can maybe referred to counselling.

From your posts you seem to have a lot of good qualities your strong for raising your children alone, your obviously intelligent as you've had a good career and your incredibly loyal even to those who don't deserve it.

Your posts are all about what your husband wants I think you need to really reflect and think what you want.

Will you tell us if you're in the UK or in a country where "abject poverty" is actually a threat?

She says she in the UK Vivacia and English is her first language.

Yes, I thought she said that. But i couldn't find where, though.

I remember because I was surprised by it.

It also becomes hard to see why others can't understand what you're saying. OP's tendency to see other people's genuine concerns and questions as attacks on her and imagining them laughing at her, to me also indicates that she is not used to being cared for or taken seriously.

That's my reading of it, too, me.

Please keep reading, Tea, and posting. Tell us how things are.

Thank you meisme, you got it right. Yes, one can say that I am stressed and upset, Wannabe.

Egg, I am not acusing anyone, just giving feedback about how I expereience some of the posts. I don't have any drug or alcohol problems, where does this come from?