OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

[Teapartyontheceiling]

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

Hearts, I appreciate your post and agree that the ambush is not the best way.

I don't wish to expose my life in grater details, especially if it already souns like an enigmatic novel. I am not an aspiring author.

I think the alcohol and drug suggestion came about as your posts are quite disjointed. Apologies if I'm being presumptuous but it seems like so much is happening your struggling to focus your thoughts

I didn't say you had a problem OP.

You might have had a very rare two glasses of wine, for all I know, that might have affected your thought process last night, or you might be on prescription drugs which don't mix with alcohol, for example. It wasn't a criticism, it was a simple question.

Regarding my other questions, there is a purpose for them. I wasn't just asking to be nosy or to complain at you, it's because the answers might give you, and us, insight into what the problems are and where to go next.

I asked why you didn't confront him last time. The answers could have been because you were scared that it would open a can of worms, scared that he would leave you, that you wanted/needed more proof, that you wanted to get legal advice first, that you were worried he would cut you off financially... and so on. Or it might be something else. I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

You asked for help but no-one can help you if you won't engage with them.

I wasn't ready. I was all of the above except "something else", by which I presume you mean violence or abuse of some kind. There is no abuse.

Are you more ready now? You are talking about 'when' rather than 'if' you should confront him?

If so, what is it you want from him? Do you think you will get what you want?

No I don't mean violence or abuse, I mean exactly what I say, 'something else' which I am not aware of and you are. Remember, I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

When I asked this question several times before you wouldn't answer. Now you have so we can move on to think about what you are scared of.

Obviously you don't want to separate, that much is clear, but if the decision was out of your hands and he decided to leave you, what would be your biggest worry? Can you answer that do you think? Can you pin it down to the three biggest concerns?

It's understandable, Tea. There are situations where anything you share is used against you later. It can make you terrified to reveal anything at all, not knowing what people might do with the information or whether you'd be punished for saying it.

Posters here are trying to say this isn't the case on your thread. To support you, we need to know a little of what you're facing. There'd be no point in saying "Confront him!" for instance, if confrontation would likely provoke abuse. I hope you'll feel more ready quite soon; your situation sounds incredibly painful.

Thanks eggy I'm sorry I missed where the OP said that.

That being the case, I'm not sure why you think separating from your husband would mean living in "abject poverty"!

Did you post recently...he was coming home from a holiday with ow?

Why do you sound like you are randomly picking words from a dictionary and yet consistently mis-spelling others? Why would you go and ask your DH to dance with you instead - that sounds totally barking.

Yes Christina he was. But OP was too scared to confront him at the time. Scared of what, exactly, we have yet to establish.

I suspect it will remain one of life's unsolved mysteries.

Tea. This is your first post from what I can see.