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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

162 replies

Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 01:53

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 11:52

You don't sound hurt. You don't sound angry. You do sound pissed off that you're not rich enough to tell him where to go.

I don't understand you, tbh. I would rather have less money and the satisfaction of telling him where to go. I would be very hurt, very upset, very angry.

I doubt very much that you would be living in abject poverty. Have you looked on the Entitled To website to see what you'd get in tax credits etc? Have you assumed he would keep the house/pension/salary?

clam · 03/04/2015 11:58

I commend your desire to work at your marriage; however, you cannot work on it alone. He has to want to as well. But it seems he has either bailed on it already, or thinks it's OK to continue it acting as a single man when he's away from home.

Can you live like this?

Should you turn up and challenge him before the party? Not if the only intent is to prevent him having a second date. He's way off down the infidelity path already, by the sounds of it. Concentrate on the bigger issues. This is a conversation that you and he need to have in private, with plenty of time to soul-search and dig deep, without an audience - an OW or your DCs.

Clutterbugsmum · 03/04/2015 12:16

I would go with an overnight bag full of his dirty clothes and give it to the OW and tell her she welcome to him. And tell him in no uncertain terms he is not to contact you for a week.

And during the week you find out what you are entitled to and get all your ducks in a row and then let him know what going to happen with your life, marriage ect.

Cherryapple1 · 03/04/2015 12:21

It sounds to me like you are justifying his behaviour by blaming yourself - I don't understand why? I would recommend sti testing for yourself btw - sorry.

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 12:29

What country century are you living in?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 12:31

This is certainly a great opportunity to throw mud and feel warm inside about yourselves seeing other peoples's misery.

Can anyone actually listen and talk to me, rather than to themselves?

OP posts:
mrssmooth · 03/04/2015 12:44

Tea. You've had some good advice on this thread. It seems to me that you don't like the responses you have received. I understand you are feeling not quite yourself, but there really is no need to be rude. I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 12:51

I am not rude. I am perfectly polite. I am surprised how self indulgent you all are ganging on me instead of actualy engaging with me crying for help.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 03/04/2015 12:52

From some of the things you said in your OP, it sounds like you agreed to open your marriage. Is that right? And now you're having second thoughts? It's okay to renegotiate, if you're feeling wobbly about the current situation. Open marriages require a lot of checking in, talking, and making sure everyone's feeling okay.

Cherryapple1 · 03/04/2015 12:57

Tea - we are talking to you. It just seems very strange that you are tolerating this behaviour from him. Don't you think you deserve better? Just lying down like a doormat giving him permission to walk all over you and your marriage isn't going to solve anything is it?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 12:57

No, we never agreed or discussed any such thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 13:07

I am not tolerating it obviousely and I am not giving him permission to walk over me. I am just torn between competing values and priorities. Protecting the children vs acting on my instincts vs logistical realities of having to travel to 2 countries to just have a kick in his dick or talk without audience.

OP posts:
NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 03/04/2015 13:09

Why would any decision you make be belligerent?

If you've never had the conversation about an open marriage or about separation/divorce then he's cheating. No ambiguity.

Have you asked him why he needs to look for someone else? I'm not suggesting you have to like his answer or change yourself to fit his answer - just you seam in limbo at the moment, on pause.

Cherryapple1 · 03/04/2015 13:13

But this isn't about your values, it is about his lack of them. You can't have a marriage on your own while he cats around can you.

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 13:14

This is so confusing. Why do you think that divorce means living in "abject poverty"? What country are you living in?

Why do you talk about your husband having sex with other women as if he's taken up cycling?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 13:23

I explained in OP why he looks arround.

I explained what my priority for the children is - their opportunities and education which will end. I am already hurt. Divorce will hurt the children.

It is not in my values to give up without a fight. It hurts me even more.

I don't know how to reconcile it all, si I feel I am doing the right thing right.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/04/2015 13:27

I explained in OP why he looks arround.

No, you explained what you think excuses his betraying you. Do you realise that other people wouldn't accept these as reasons?

I explained what my priority for the children is - their opportunities and education which will end. I am already hurt. Divorce will hurt the children.

Do you realise that divorce won't harm your children's opportunities and education? Indeed, it might teach them a lot about healthy relationships.

pocketsaviour · 03/04/2015 13:29

But in your OP you said you're happy for him. I'm sorry but I really don't understand what's going on here.

I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH).

I don't think you understand what unconditional love is - and unconditional love should be reserved for your children, not your partner.

So he's doing this all behind your back then? How do you know about it? And what did he say when you confronted him?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 13:45

I explained in OP my analysis of why he looks arround.

No, I didn't say in OP that those are excuses nor did I say I accept them.

My SN children in our circumstances will have much diminished opportunities and I am anxious about this.

I understand what unconditional love is. Me criticising him is an act of love. I don't criticise people I don't care about.

I know because I am perceptive and resourceful. I didn't confront him because I don't know what I want. I am torn. I don't know

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/04/2015 13:52

What do you want from this thread OP? What would help you?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 13:57

I don't know how to reconcile it all, so I feel I am doing the right thing right.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 03/04/2015 13:59

I am truly shocked at this thread - cannot believe your way of thinking, so it's your fault he treats you like shit and has zero respect for you - your values are admirable, he clearly does not share them, at all.

What a complete embarrassment he is, I'd want to be a million miles away from any human being who behaved this way.

BIWI · 03/04/2015 14:04

Why would you fight for someone who treats you with such little respect?

You deserve better, do you not think?

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 14:04

I don't know how to reconcile it all, so I feel I am doing the right thing right.

I wonder if you're not acknowledging exactly what the situation is? By refusing to accept the truth (and I can understand why) it's impossible to make sense of it, let alone plan your next step.

Jan45 · 03/04/2015 14:07

Go solo, you'd probably find you get a lot more help with your situation and children, he must be spending bucket loads on his exciting new life on the side.