OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

[Teapartyontheceiling]

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

It will be difficult for him. I will not accept lies. He will have to admit to everything..
The question is whether he is willing to stop the nonsense and reinvest in our family, as seen by evidence, and go through councelling.

What do they do in councelling?

I think the best time to talk is in a setting that provides you with the most dignity, most security and also when you have got all your ducks in a row. By this I mean that you have worked out financially where everything is and you have worked out emotionally what it is you want from the talk and that you are as prepared as you can be for the worst he is likely to throw at you.

I think you've had a lot of valid pontificating on this thread and you have been overly unpleasant by saying that people are only here to revel in your misery.

Sorry but I have better things to do in my day than try to offer help to someone who asks for help online and then accuses people of responding for the wrong reason.

There's no magic wand cure here OP. Either suck it up and live in misery or LTB and give your kids a chance to see their mum happy.
Whatever feelings you have for your husband are obviously not reciprocated. It's not a nice thing to hear or to accept but I think it's an important thing for you to get your head around in order to move on.

Are you in glue?
Has this been in and out of Googletranslate 3 times?

Get angry, get lawyered up, have a fight and reconcile, do anything but this bonkers self reflection.

It will be difficult for him. I will not accept lies. He will have to admit to everything.

For goodness sake, what's wrong with you? It's been pretty fucking easy for him so far. You have accepted lies so far. He hasn't had to admit to anything so far. There's no indication that any of this will change.

If you have better things to do , why do you come and write "Ihave better things to do "?

But I see your point in last paragraph.

OK, you asked us to tell you what not to do. Don't sit back and take it, don't think you can go to counselling and make it work because it won't. Don't think that you can get over this because you will always feel compromised in your marriage, don't make excuses because of the children. Don't delay in telling him that you're packing his bags and he can get the fuck out and don't be such a doormat, you're a woman not a child, not a pet puppy and no less than an equal partner in your relationship

This is a little bit insane. Why are you not angrier? If he says he will stop, would that be it? Problem solved? Will you trust him? Will you be able to look him in the eye? How long until he starts shagging around again and hiding it better (if he even agrees to stop at all).

How long has he been shagging around? I understand you have values, that makes it all the worse that you are prepared to accept being married to someone with no values at all.

You have power here, control over your own life. It is beyond belief that you accept and expect that he should have all the control because he brings in the money.

"When and what is a best setting to talk?"

Hard to tell, when you haven't said much about where he is, what he's there for (work, I presume) and under what circumstances you're planning to go out to join him. Was this a planned Easter/Spring break with the kids?

What is the alternative to going? Waiting for him to return home? How long will that be? Can you sit on this for however long that is?

When he recently came back from his last 'Viagra trip' you were going to talk to him then. Why didn't you?

In our relationship I had more than equal share of control up until now while he is bringing all the money. I didn't accept or expect anything different. That is what is shifting now.

I don't see any evidence of power and control over my own life. I can't even go and kick him in the dick tomorrow because I promised and booked the Easter holiday for the children and they are excited about seeing dad. The family was the only area where I had control over my life and it is crumbling now.

Egg, yes it is a planned Easter break with the kids.

What is the alternative to going? None. I need to go for a number of my own reasons and of course for the excited kids.

Waiting for him to return home? How long will that be? Can you sit on this for however long that is? A months? I don't know.

When he recently came back, he showed photos and talked about details that would corroborate that it was a company meeting. I need to see how it was paid for. And I could count the V tablets and see that the only one used was used with me. There is nothing to say he hadn't another pack before.

But now I have undeniable evidence of other dates and party plans.

I am really sorry, I am finding it hard to understand what you are saying in this last post.

Am I reading it right that you are saying you and he had equal control in the relationship at first? But he earns all the money. Are you saying that equal control was inspite of him earning all the money or did this change it?

You then say you don't see evidence of his control over your life. But then you give an example about how you are being prevented from confronting him (because of the children's holiday).

But then you say that the only area you had control was in the family, contradicting your first statement.

You do seem very confused.

He is away that long??

Is he not your DC dad if the Easter break for DC is not with him? I am really confused.

I also don't get how you can think about flying across two countries on one hand, but then talk about abject poverty on the other.

I am guessing if you want to discuss this you need to pick up the phone and tell him you need to discuss your concerns, can he please come home so you can do so? If you are the primary carer of two Dc with special needs, you can't fly to see him (unless you mean when Dc are with their dad who is not him). If he values you and his marriage, he will come and talk to you?
If he is not DC dad and you have the opportunity to fly and see him to discuss this, then yes, get on a plane, fly over two countries and ask him to take you salsa dancing. If that is what you need to do to be sure you are taking the right path, then do it.

Or is the dad you are seeing your dad? Sorry, I am confused

My control over my life is limited by my children and their circumstances. He never controlled me, but he was a stabilising factor helping me to have more control. My statements do not contradict and I am not confused.

It's difficult to follow them when I only know what you are typing here and none of the context. Your posts may be clear to you but from my perspective, they are actually quite difficult to unpick.

He was a stabilising factor but is no longer?

By stabilising do you mean financially,emotionally, practically or a combination?

Please do research on the kind of help you can get. I think it sounds sad that you feel so powerless. You are single handedly raising SN kids, you are stronger than you think.

I understand you don't want to confront him when your kids are looking forward to a holiday with you both, but i think you should confront him, its no fair on you.

So you had your own income, confidence and an equal shout until the kids came along? Or until their SN developed. Something like that? Now you're dependent, restricted, and he's taking the piss.

Quite honestly, darling, partners don't show their true mettle until something goes wrong. Yours is, unfortunately, showing he's a fair-weather husband who lightly turns his back when he's really needed. He prefers being entertained elsewhere to being a staunchly reliable partner or father. You deserve better. So do your children. "Better", sadly, does not mean a cheating bloke who lies better. It means living according to your values - without him.

I have a suspicion that your restrained writing style might be a consequence of long-term abuse, which you may not yet have acknowledged. Going perpetually unheard can cause fear of self-expression.

I can't understand you any more OP. Are you ok? Your posts make no sense and you are not answering questions.

I'm happy to keep talking to you and advise you but your words are gibberish. Is there a reason for this? Alcohol or drugs of some kind?

I asked if you had spoken to him about his cheating and you said no.

I then asked this: 'When he recently came back from his last 'Viagra trip' you were going to talk to him then. Why didn't you?'

You answered this: 'When he recently came back, he showed photos and talked about details that would corroborate that it was a company meeting. I need to see how it was paid for. And I could count the V tablets and see that the only one used was used with me. There is nothing to say he hadn't another pack before'.

Can you be more clear? Why was he trying to corroborate that it was a company meeting if you hadn't spoken to him about his cheating?

It was spontaneous, because he was excited about this holiday experience, and talked repeatedly at length about it, showing photos... The proof is in the bank statement, which I need to see.

But why didn't you ask him then about his cheating?

Egg, my posts make perfect sense to me.

If you dont't understand them or don'tr want to advise please by all means don't.

Why do you feel free speculating about alcohol or drugs of some kind without any reason?
You are just having a go at me graticiousely.

I am going to sleep

Try to wake up in the same world everyone else is in.

I still think you're on a wind up.