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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

162 replies

Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 01:53

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

OP posts:
clam · 03/04/2015 15:46

I don't think I was throwing mud or feeling "warm inside" about your misery at all. You asked what you should do and my earlier response was to tell you that I just don't see that going out to talk to him will be the best place. If you effectively stop him shagging the salsa woman when he's keen to do so, he won't be in a good frame of mind to discuss your marriage.

And if you leave it until afterwards and go out there as a family, you'll have the DCs with you, so how will you find an appropriate portion of time to talk about it?

Jan45 · 03/04/2015 15:50

Fixing dates and going clubbing - and facing 60, I say it again, what an embarrassment.

OP, until you actually value yourself worth more than this man's sloppy seconds you will never be happy, how could you be, I don't think any woman would be happy in your situation, is he really worth hanging onto at the cost of your self respect?

cosytoaster · 03/04/2015 15:57

I'm sorry to say this but you are the biggest doormat ever.

I believe in commitment and loyalty - well your husband doesn't and is making a complete fool out of you. Please get some legal advice and grow a backbone. Your turn to start calling the shots.

pocketsaviour · 03/04/2015 15:58

I think you're having a laugh.

That is exactly what I was thinking. This would trigger a discussion. Why is it wrong?

Nobody said that would be wrong, and you bloody well know that. Pull your head out of your arse, get off the internet and go and sort your marriage out. You're being incredibly disrespectful to people here who are genuinely trying to help, and I'm picturing you sitting there with a little smirk on your face, giggling "Oh ho ho, they didn't read the thread title properly!"

Stop being so passive aggressive. Talk to your husband, get divorced or keep sticking your head in the sand, but stop wasting everyone else's time.

Gralick · 03/04/2015 16:06

You seem to feel that confronting him with either: [a] pull him back to you and his family, or [b] prompt divorce. You seem to feel that divorce will ruin your family.

The really sad thing is that HIS CHOICES have already ruined your family.

Someone who's already made these choices will not choose his family instead. He prefers his new life.

The quality you seem to be lacking is self-preservation. When you turn your focus back on yourself, and on how to look after your children, you will find better ways that are not dependent on your compliance.
Be non-compliant.

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 17:07

Pocket, I am verry sorry for being so disrepectful to not value your precious time to come here and write "I think you're having a laugh... I'm picturing you sitting there with a little smirk on your face, giggling "Oh ho ho, they didn't read the thread title properly!"

In my book this is selfindulgence.

OP posts:
Eggynuff · 03/04/2015 17:17

OP I'm going to ask for the third time. Have you had any discussion at all with him about his cheating?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 17:22

No

OP posts:
Eggynuff · 03/04/2015 17:31

So you know he is cheating but have not yet spoken to him about it. Why is that?

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 17:32

Can I try my luck with a third time question? Are you in the UK?

momb · 03/04/2015 17:38

You do need to tackle this Teaparty. It is eating you up and will destroy what little self-respect you have left.
You may be right and this is a fling with himself borne of forgetting who the two of you really are.
You do need to talk to him. You do need to state your case......but....I think that many of the posters on here are counselling caution with regard to your own financial and health position because what none of us, including you, can tell at this stage just how far your DH has rewritten history in his own head to justify his behaviour to himself, and therefore whether an intervention may just escalate things to a point of no return before you are ready for that. Knowing your options, setting up an escape route, making sure that you know the full extent of your joint finances and have copies of these; all this does not mean that it isn't worth trying, just that you can go in to tackle the real problems with some security if he is prepared to walk away rather than admit his issues and move forward.
take care of yourself first, then get on the plane.

Nydj · 03/04/2015 17:47

pocket has posted much more than the bit you quoted. OP, you choose to quote a small bit of what he or she has posted on this thread and be rude to her rather than actually deal with any of the issues that she and others have raised in this thread. Do you know why you might be doing this?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 18:04

I quoted the part that was most relevant to my point and which for me voids everything else in Pocket's posts as I don't know what weight to give to it in conjuction with the attitude and assumptions her comments project.

Why do people feel the need to come to talk to me about them being undervalued and offended by me by not appreciating their content enough for their liking?

Why is this thread converging on to hunting me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 18:07

Yes, Momb

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 03/04/2015 18:13

You are angry with us for telling you not to put up with his behaviour - yet you love him and feel no anger towards him?

People are supporting and trying to help you here - and you are telling us we are 'hunting' you. How utterly bizarre and quite frankly ungrateful.

You are living in Disneyland - time to wake up and see what is going on right under your nose.

I'm out.............

Vivacia · 03/04/2015 18:15

Do you not feel undervalued and offended by your husband having sex with other women?

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 18:19

I am not angry with you. I am just giving feedback that you are being graticiousely aggressive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 18:21

Well yes, I appreciate all the time and the comments. Of course.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 03/04/2015 18:22

Erm aggressive - where??

cosytoaster · 03/04/2015 18:27

OP - you seem to be taking umbridge with posters on here when you should be taking umbridge with your husband who is fucking someone else more or less under your nose. Stop playing the martyr, get some self respect and sort this ridiculous situation out. Your husband is a twat.

TendonQueen · 03/04/2015 18:29

You're wasting your anger on people here when you should be using it on your husband. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is behaving horribly and disrespectfully to you, instead of sitting around patiently while he cheats.

DragonsCanHop · 03/04/2015 18:31

How did you find out about hm salsa dancing and Viagra etc?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/04/2015 18:50

It seems to me that the reason people don't want to encourage you to go and talk with him is because you are very unlikely to get the answers from him you want.

You want to know what he wants? Be prepared to hear that he has what he wants exactly the way he wants it.

Please believe that I don't say this to gloat or for fun. I say it to help.

Original poster
Teapartyontheceiling · 03/04/2015 19:02

Thank you, Ship.

But then he will give these answers if I talk to him when he comes back in a months. When and what is a best setting to talk?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/04/2015 19:07

Do you not suspect that he's going to lie to you?