OMG please tell me what not to do - DH on singles dating site

[Teapartyontheceiling]

I understand how it happened. I stopped working caring for DC. For us as a family it was stress, crisis after crisis, parenting SN children is very demanding and draining and could become a bit of a routine. Difficult to make psychological space and budget for us as a couple, depression, other side effects... Pride.
DH forgot all the depth of me as woman, if he ever knew.

But now he is on a high and I am happy for him. He has a dream job, it is going great and he is feeling epic. Great. Time to re-invigorate our relationship. I am totally up for it.

But DH spends a lot of time away from home and he solved the problem. He is on a dating site, fixing dates and going clubbing... Going in secret holiday with Viagra in his bag... He is experimenting.

I heard him saying “I am perfect"... a little like James Bond' evil characters
I understand he wants to savour feeling great and perhaps he is anxious that I might remind him of his imperfections (that is unconditional love, DH). He stares into his 60 and wants to grasp last shine of his virility, catch up on all the mischief he missed in his youth without being told off.

But what about me and our DC? I also want my share of romance and mischief and I am up for experimentation in a big way. But with him at this stage

It is in my values, I think we should give it a try together. I believe in commitment and loyalty. I believe there is a huge reserve of resourcefulness we didn’t explore together. I don't give up without a fight, I can't live on my knees, but I can't make a belligerent decision to condemn children to absolute poverty and lack of any flexibility in terms of experiences and opportunities available to them.

So, as DH is going to a Salsa dancing party tomorrow with OW he will see the second time, should I just show up? I told him I want to dance salsa...

Or should I skip it and come with children to visit him few days later as he expects, demure. I confirmed to the children we are going anyway.

I hear you Teaparty

Reading between the lines I get the impression that you feel this is an unequal relationship. DH is experiencing what he wants out of life, but you aren't, or at least not yet. By talking about DH's infidelity as though it is a new hobby, you're trying to distance yourself from the issue because it hurts so damn much.

Make yourself a cup of tea/glass of wine/whatever floats your boat and sit down for a moment to think about you and what you want out of life. In your OP you mentioned that "DH forgot all depth of me as a woman". You're a wife and a mother, but that's not all you are is it?

How old are your DCs now? Do you have any free time for yourself or access to a sitter? You don't need your husband to be able to take up salsa dancing (or anything else you'd like to try!).

Do you know if your H is serious about this other woman? Has he mentioned at all that your marriage is in danger to you?

I'd love to write more but I'm at a loss for time right now. What I will say is that whatever the outcome in the long term, right now you need to make time for yourself, to recharge after these years of hardship and get to know yourself again as a woman.

get financial details together, and go and speak to a lawyer

Your children will suffer far more watching their mother's soul get destroyed. Not to mention teaching them godawful examples on how to treat their partner.

You won't damage them love, you'll save them.

I'm sorry Tea but I feel the need to shake you out of this romantic bubble you've created. This isn't bloody Disney. He is taking the piss and treating you like a cunt. Fuck the salsa. Get some self respect.

I'm not saying go and start divorce proceedings, in saying inform yourself, see what your life would be without him, it won't be as bleak as you are telling yourself!

He has money, he'll have to pay up to support you (the woman who has done it all so he can work and progress) and the children.

Well, yes your marriage has been through some very tough times and yes you have shouldered the burden and yes motherhood, marriage, time all take their toll on our lovely, youthful selves.

Some men stick in and some don't.

Ask yourself this, is your husband looking for a new partner? Is he likely to leave you? Or is he wanting some fun?

Now I understand about the money and not wanting to inconvenience your children's lives.

Now I'm assuming as they have SN you get extra benefits for that. You will get maintenance from your dh and also if he is 60 then I'm assuming you are close to paying off your mortgage?

Thing is, if you do not mention this the resentment will bubble away. Things will turn bad and you will be left wounded.

You seem like a good person but you must listen to the others who ask you does your husband want to be in the marriage? Will he work at it or will he not be bothered - it takes two!

Could you trust him again since he goes away so much?

My advice is, if you want to stay put for now try to go back to college or university to train in a career you love and enjoy that will provide you with some future financial stability.

This gives you some options instead of holding onto your dh for financial reasons.

I don't see the point in flying off to a salsa class to confront him either.

Look after yourself, your lovely children and plan for a happy future.

It seems to me that you need to work out what you want from this situation, and what is possible on a practical level. Are you afraid that DH will not give you any money at all for DC if you divorce? Is he employed abroad and in a position to leave you destitute? Presumably if you are in UK you would get some state help. Could you see a solicitor or the CAB to find out what you may be entitled to?
On a personal level, would you be able to live with his infidelity, if that's what it takes to have a reasonable standard of living for you and DC? I am not advocating any particular course of action, just trying to get to the bottom of your situation.
Do you think DH would stay with you and the DC if you don't rock the boat? Do you think he would leave you anyway if he fell for OW in a big way?
What resources have you got to free yourself from him? Have you got a job? If not, could you work, or is it impossible with your DC's SN?
As DH is meeting his own needs perhaps you need to consider your needs and priorities now. I don't think your DC will thank you in the future for staying in an impossible marriage just for their sake, but I understand that you may feel it is difficult to make a change on moral and/or practical grounds.

OP I posted on your other thread (different name) when you were waiting for him to come back from his trip away with the viagra. You were very upset about it all.

You are confused. The man that you want does not exist. This man will not change. He has been living two parallel lives for years and years. Head of the family, respected, good job, providing for wife and children, does no housework or childcare. The other side is the single life, clubbing, holidays without the wife and children, sex with other women, comes and goes as he pleases, answers to no-one.

Neither of these are what you are looking for in a partner. Cut your losses. The children will be fine. Go and seek that life you want and there is a very good chance you will meet someone who wants the same as you. As you say, you are ready to have fun now. This man won't be fun for you. He doesn't even really like you. Sorry

Thank you, Bedelia for hearing me.

I am again all alone with no one to talk to.

How would I know what he is ready for without ever speaking to him.
But you all talk me out of going to talk to him.

Who cares what he wants? The decision here is yours not his. You don't want to put up with infidelity so don't. You seriously sat there while he was away with the OW and he came home and you said nothing? I am astounded.

There are plenty here to talk to - you just seem to choose to ignore.

How would I know what he is ready for without ever speaking to him.

We are encouraging you to think what you want, not wasting your time and emotions trying to figure out what he wants.

(Besides, you know what he's ready for by his actions - he's ready to have sex with other women).

You know what he wants though.

Even I know what he wants from what you have already written.

He wants sex with other woman. Is that ok with you? He wants to travel with his Viagra whilst you are minding the children. Is this something that you want too? Because if it is that's fine, you can come to some sort of arrangement together.

But it sounds like you don't want that and, in fact, find it upsetting. You want different things. You always have done.

I wanted to go and talk to him.

why? What could he possibly say that would excuse what he has done? I just don't understand.

Have you not talked already about all the cheating?

This is certainly a great opportunity to throw mud and feel warm inside about yourselves seeing other peoples's misery.

Can anyone actually listen and talk to me, rather than to themselves?

What??!

What is it you want us to say, exactly? That it's all your fault because you didn't look after the primal needs of your man in spite of all the other stuff you had on your plate, and now the only option open to you is to suck it up, swallow your pride and tolerate being a lonely, humiliated kept woman, too scared to demand anything for yourself while he has his much needed mid-life crisis?

Okay then. As you wish. All of the above.

I wanted to go and talk to him.

To what end?

This is a very confusing thread.

But, if he is partying away with Viagra have you thought about being tested?

Get yourself informed about the finances etc and THEN talk to him.

Transfer half the savings if you can. Protect yourself and your children

What IS incongruent is your reaction to your DH frankly disgusting behaviour.

Honestly, it is not normal to be faced with the infidelity of a partner you love and trust and be talking about 'unconditional love' and wanting to fight for him.

If this was a DH having an affair that resulted from a work relationship or whatever I would think it awful but would have some understanding of people falling in love/lust despite being in a marriage.

But your DH is going out of his way to try and shag random women he is ACTIVELY seeking out. This isn't a man 'falling' into an affair for whatever reason. It is a man who has no respect or love for you whatsoever.

He is telling you who he is. Stop making excuses for him. Stop trying to understand him or what he is doing. It doesn't matter.

Don't go to try and interrupt him while he's trying to shag someone else. You will look ridiculous and desperate.

He ALREADY thinks that about you otherwise he wouldn't be treating you like this.

Stop analysing and using flowery prose to describe his humiliation of you.

I know this sounds harsh but you need to step into a position of refusing to collude with his abusive behaviour.

OP I know this is hard to read but you won't get the responses you are looking for on mn because that is not in your best interests. You will get honest, helpful advice, there will always be someone here to talk to and someone to support you but no-one is going to tell you that you can make something out of this relationship. It only exists as a convenience to him at the moment. That's all it's ever been.

I am so sorry, it's a really horrible realisation to come to terms with. But you are ready to start living your life now. Don't throw more good years after the bad.

And bear in mind that if you are still with him when he is old and infirm he will expect you to be his carer and you will never get the life full of love and laughter that you are so hoping for.

You could have that with someone else though, or even on your own with friends, old and new. You are starting to feel a new lease of life, don't waste it on someone who wants very little to do with you. All he has done is treat you with contempt. You deserve so much more than that.

It's actually quite insulting to say that there's no-one to talk to, when lots of people here have already given of their time to try and help you.

Why don't you ring him up (or go there, preferably) and say you know he's going dancing, and you want him to take you instead? You need to establish what he wants and what you're happy with and set some ground rules - you did that when you got married and he hasn't stuck to them, but it sounds like things have changed for both of you, so it's time to talk about what the situation is now.

Why don't you ring him up (or go there, preferably) and say you know he's going dancing, and you want him to take you instead?

That is exactly what I was thinking. This would trigger a discussion. Why is it wrong?

Nothing wrong with wanting a discussion. It's what you hope to achieve that you might be a bit confused about.

Can you clarify OP. Have you, or have you not had any discussion with him at all about his cheating?