God knows what I've done wrong now!

[mumto3beautys]

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

This is hard to read. It's glaringly obvious to everybody else that you need to make the break but I won't be surprised if you don't. It's just such a shame.

It's really hard to see things clearly when you're stuck in the middle of it, but you're nearly 40 right? Surely by now you've seen this kind of thing happening to a friend, and you know what you'd say to them. You will empower yourself by making the decision to kick him out of your life. You'll submit yourself if you don't. Which do you prefer?

I met him online on a dating site, yes I have met his parents quite a few times his son lots of times ( he has stayed over ) and his friends just once....

How was he over the weekend away, when you were with other people?

Did he say who he was whatsapping with on Saturday morning, in the locked bathroom?

Something isn't adding up here and it sounds like there are whole areas of his life that do not involve you. I'd be doing a bit of snooping.

I don't think you were really getting a pasting, Choochi. You were riding point which is a much maligned position - they're often the ones who first encounter the enemy.

How would you feel mum if he weren't around?

Something isn't adding up here

To be honest it doesn't even matter if everything did add up. He's just not very nice to the OP is he. He lets her down, upsets her and she isn't a priority in his life over old friends and going drinking, no matter what her needs are, including being quite ill in hospital.
If you don't have a partner who cares about you in that situation then in my book it's not worth having one at all

If the OP were my sister, daughter or friend then I'd be very unhappy to see her in this relationship and feeling that when things don't go well she's left wondering what she'd done wrong to cause that, even though she doesn't know and doesn't think she'd done anything wrong (and it doesn't sound like she has)

what do you think is not adding up enrique?
I'm not saying you're wrong just interested in others take on things...

I disagree (slightly) with enrique. I think it all adds up just fine - if you assume he's lying to you about things. Maybe big lies, maybe lots of small lies but the effect is the same.

....I met him online on a dating site....

Do you know whether he's still on any dating sites? And who does he live with and have you ever been there?

I'm sorry for the questions but this seems to be a very one-sided 'relationship': you looking after your DCs and sitting in the kitchen crying and him swanning in and out of your life as the mood takes him?

Right this weekend he was nice mostly I knew he would be as was in front of my family....
sat night I fell asleep watching tv with him and my dad, I got up to go the loo and ended up lying back down on the bed n fell asleep. I didnt decide to do this and leave him watching tv just him and my dad I was half asleep and exhausted.
the previous night he hadnt turned up till midnight, we didnt go to bed till after 2am and then I couldn't sleep as I was upset. he didnt get up till 11am but I was up at 7 with my daughter so had hardly slept.
when he finally came to bed sat night I got a right bollocking for going and "leaving" him and whats the point in him coming if im going to do that or dont moan about hardly seeing him if I'm just going to fall asleep anyway.
after me saying sorry what felt like 100s of times he agreed to drop it.
I'm sure it will be mentioned forever more though.

I have no idea who he was talking to on whatssap sat morning when we were ready to leave. even if I ask he will just say his mate and have a go at me for being paranoid so its not worth the argument
how could I snoop?
There's nothing id like more than to have 5 min with his phone as he's obsessed with it

I google his online dating name regularly to see if anything pops up but obv he could have changed it
unless I register with all the sites I can't really search
yes I've been to his house many times he comes here more though as I always have my kids

I've just read your latest thread.

How is your son and is he home with you?

So he kept you up late on Friday night then kept you up again in Saturday night so he could go on and on and on at you, fully aware that he'd had a nice lie-in while you were up at 7 with your kids?
He sounds like such a prick. You sound nice.

The reason you're so upset about him is the way he frequently let's you down causes anxiety, so you feel relief when he is there.. So you need him to be there to get rid of the anxiety feelings. This feeling will pass once he's not in your life anymore.

Sorry for the confusion. It was thenightsky who said something isn't adding up, I was just using bold type to quote it and then I said that imo it doesn't really matter if he's what he seems or not, how he's treating you OP would rule him out of my life even if his stories are straight.

Whether he has a record for fraud, massive debts and lives in a commune with six part time 'wives' or whether he lives with his parents (or on his own) volunteers at the dogs' home and donates half his income to starving children, is neither here nor there so far as I'm concerned.

Mum how do you feel that although he expects you to wait around until all hours, he can lock himself away to Whatsapp privately - because if it was his friend why would he need to do it where you couldn't be near? but he expects you to be there all the time when and if he wants you, even if you're half dead on your feet?

I'd want someone who was sucking up a bit of the stress on my behalf, not adding to it. I also wouldn't tolerate anyone who behaved significantly differently infront of other family and friends from how they behaved towards me in private. You know that's not right.

charley what you said about why I feel the way I do is exactly right I am relieved when he's here as its 1 night off worrying

Ah Yes, I see Enrique - my apologies. And I agree. It's neither her nor there and given the OP's current stresses with her mother, son, SS etc she could do with less stress and not more.

How is your son doing, OP?

That sounds like a very cruel training technique

enrique... The whatssap thing is a constant battle/annoyance and I'm ashamed to say I check all the time when he was last online
like for instance I'll call him he wont answer then I straight away check whattsap and he's online so obv got phone in his hand and just ignoring the call
its all SO degrading! I've just spoken to him and he was moaning he's tired and got his son tonight. I said oh well he will be in bed by 9 and you can just crash out but he said well I can't can I coz then u will want to talk to me and you get all moody if I dont
charming eh!
im meant to be cooking for him one night this week he wont even tell ne which night that will be he just says ill let u know ( apparently because of his son ) or to see if he can get a better offer more like it!
I can see how bad he is and how unimportant I am pls dont think I dont its just having the strength to change it I struggle with

my son is here now thank you for asking and seems happy to be back social services are still meant to be doing some work with him too but I'm not sure when this starts as I can never get hold of the social worker

feels like theres a massive long list of how I should or shouldn't act to please him but he doesnt even do the basic kindness/courtesy things back that you would do for a friend let alone a partner.
he gets so annoyed if I call him on any of his behaviour though and says I'm paranoid/high maintenace a misery etc

im meant to be cooking for him one night this week he wont even tell ne which night that will be he just says ill let u know
^ this is more training, just keeping you hanging around and pushing your spirits lower and lower.

I know it's bad MN form to talk about what you read on other threads and link it up, so I hope you don't mind, but if I were in your situation I'd be saving all my strength and energy to concentrate on sorting out home life and once that stress is lifted, find someone to be a decent partner and enrich life, not make it even worse and increase the stress levels giving me yet more to worry about.

Remember, *you are an independent working adult who is head of your own family.
Sometimes though we need someone to remind us and to say, be strong, face up and be in charge of your own destiny

Your last post Mum you do know that absolutely everyone on this thread can already see all these things and is telling you that he's no good for you, don't you?

We're not the ones who need telling and convincing...

feels like theres a massive long list of how I should or shouldn't act to please him but he doesnt even do the basic kindness/courtesy things back that you would do for a friend let alone a partner.

Dear Mumto3, this is really not the way any relationship should be. Not a friendship, not with colleagues at work, and definitely not from a supposed partner!

I can't believe he left you in hospital without visiting you. Well, I can believe it, but you know what I mean. He is treating you so appallingly.

I know your mum is toxic - that has probably left you feeling like you have to take what you can get, or that you are at fault and it's your responsibility to make him happy, and if he's not happy it's your fault.

It's not your fault.

I really wish you could see yourselves in the same light that posters here do. As a lovely person and mum who deserves to be treated with respect and to have some calm, peace and quiet in her own home.

I get the feeling that you are not quite ready to pull the plug on this relationship yet. We will be here when you do get to that stage.

I'd be miserable if I was treated like this, too. Like pure shit.

Reading this is excruciating, I can't imagine the torture of living with it

Right, get along to the Freedom Programme. I can't link but Google it and click 'find a course' - many courses across the UK, free, free childcare during the day. You may think you're not a victim of domestic abuse bcs he doesn't hit you - think again! Emotional/psychological etc abuse is agony, right up there with physical abuse. In fact many of the women who experience this type of abuse say they'd rather be hit any day, at least it would be over. Until the next time...

At least there you will have a space to build your self-esteem, to look at ways he is treating you, at ways he is controlling you and your emotions, how he is training you to be his emotional punch bag, how he is starving you of even basic humanity. You wouldn't treat a dog like this. At the FP you'll meet other women who are facing the same stuff, give or take. Lovely women who can't believe it's ended up like this, women who don't know how to get out. You won't be alone.

Dearheart, you are worth so much more than this. He is vile vile vile.

What would he have to do for you to dump him? Because I'm not seeing the slightest shred of evidence that he actually wants you to be happy, or cares or thinks about you at all. I cant imagine how he could treat you worse apart from actually physically hitting you.

Hes treating you like his on-call maid/chef/fuckbuddy and you're letting him.

By staying in this relationship you are teaching your kids that this is what a relationship looks like and how it works - do you want that for them?

I actually rang the womens aid helpline the other night just for someone to talk to....
they arranged for someone to call me back to asses what I needed I guess, they have called me back twice but both times he has been with me so I had to hang up
I feel ashamed ive messed them around now

Just to add he doesn't know much about the problems I'm having atm with my mum or son
I've told him before my mums awful and he made a comment like oh great more crazy relatives ( as his exes family were awful apparently ) so I didn't say much more
and I don't say anything about my son as I can't be bothered to listen to the my kids better than ur kid crap as his son is apparently never naughty
I dont know if he would qct any kinder if he knew what I'm going through....I doubt it so I havent bothered telling him it just makes me hypersensitive to everything he does mean though