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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
Fontella · 27/03/2015 20:41

I'd tell him to shove his takeaway up his arse!

Why would you even consider spending time with an eogistical bullying twat like this? Puts you right at the bottom of the line after everything else, speaks to you like shit, and then lays out conditions as you how you need to behave in order to get him to be civil to you.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way. Gather your self-respect together and tell him to fuck off. It's only going to get worse, not better as he further erodes your self-esteem.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 20:43

oh and I'm starving as havent had any lunch looking forward to takeaway plus I have no fags as he was bringing me some as owes me money
it will be hard to bite my tongue when he finally arrives at 11pm or whatever!
I doubt very much hes helping his mum its just an excuse so I cant be mad when hes stupidly late

OP posts:
pictish · 27/03/2015 21:14

It would be way too shabby for me. I'd have sent him packing ages ago.
I'm not sure why you haven't.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 21:31

still not heard anything....ive tried to call he didnt answer

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/03/2015 21:34

This is not a good relationship for you, mum. He's dangling you on the end of a string, pulling you in with the odd 'nice' thing (when you've behaved according to his rules) and then letting you out with mean behaviour when you don't fit in quite exactly to what he wants.

Ever seen a fisherman on a bank? (Because that's what he's doing - he's playing you like a fish. And remember that the aim of that is to exhaust the fish.)

You sound so anxious and fed up.

I think it's time to move on don't you?

cozietoesie · 27/03/2015 21:38

PS - How come he owes you money?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 21:40

I am anxious and fed up :( hes obv not at his mums as there would be no reason he couldn't answer phone n go sorry still here call u when I'm on my way etc
got no dinner no fags nothing as I trusted him to do what he said :(
he owes me money as he borrowed some last week so I said just get me some fags n ill knock that off save me going to get some

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 27/03/2015 21:51

So if he is not at his mum's where is he?
You deserve better you know that don't you

However you have a few choices

  1. ditch him now
  2. bite your tongue and use and abuse (joke) him this weekend to get to visit your family
  3. carry on with this pathetic relationship,letting him call the shots while you walk on eggshells trying to gauge his moods.

Plus
stopping lending him money he is probably pissing it up against a wall.

inlectorecumbit · 27/03/2015 21:52

oops and 2) should be
2) bite your tongue and use and abuse (joke) him this weekend to get to visit your family then ditch when you get back

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 21:53

fuck knows where he is :(
maybe at the pub watching the football so then wont be able to drive after?
he will use some crap excuse like he fell asleep ( forgetting he has already said hes helping his mum at hers! )

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/03/2015 21:55

sweetie

He's been off work all week but you haven't seen him, he's given you a few mean calls today, he was supposed to be turning up with a takeway and some fags to repay his debt to you - and you haven't eaten yet - and it's nearly 10 o'clock on a Friday night.

And he hasn't even phoned recently to keep you in touch.

I reckon he'll roll in about 11.30, pissed, probably without a takeaway and demanding that you're sweet and grateful as all get out simply for his presence.

This is no life for you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/03/2015 22:19

its like he's bipolar or something he phones and is all snappy/ stressed for no apparent reason then half hour later he calls back and is singing laughing etc and telling me why don't I cheer up I'm so moody!

Now, I'm not certain, but isn't that what we call gaslighting? Deliberately making the other person feel unsure and in the wrong? It's definitely passive aggressive though. ho has the time and energy to deal with such a nightmare? Move on OP, he clearly does not make you happy. Unless you are looking forward to the next 50 years with a manipulative moody nightmare, just end it!

TheSilveryPussycat · 27/03/2015 22:55

It's often the case with men like these that they pull some stunt just before a weekend away/other enjoyable planned event, just to ruin things.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 23:19

Yes to what Pussycat says. He has no intention of giving you a nice weekend, OP, sorry.

You don't sound ready to bin him off. What's it going to take?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 23:22

hes finally on his way ( hes at the curry house ) with some mad excuse about why hes so late....

OP posts:
maras2 · 27/03/2015 23:31

If he's got food and fags,take them off him and tell him to piss off.If he has neither,tell him to piss off anyway. ( you won't though will you )?

AnyFucker · 27/03/2015 23:38

and you will let him in your house ?

don't be a mug

he fucks off all week and rocks up past 11 on a Friday

I presume he didn't get a better offer then

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 23:40

I presume not Sad and thanks

OP posts:
pictish · 27/03/2015 23:49

mumto3 AF is bald in her manner but she tells it true. Sorry pal.

Seriously...why are you hanging on in there? What's the appeal?

SylvaniansAtEase · 28/03/2015 00:12

Please let this be your wake up call.

Want a shit life? Stick with a shit partner.

If you want to use him for lifts away for the weekend, do it. But then please dump him.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 28/03/2015 01:58

cant sleep hes eaten his dinner and gone to sleep....he didnt get here till midnight
hes not stopped moaning about how poorly he is
too poorly to drive in the morning no doubt

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 28/03/2015 02:06

The appeal I guess Is coz I love him why else would I put up with being treated like I mean nothing
I cant explain why I love him tho and I know anyone else would think why would you love someone so selfish but I guess you cant help who you fall in love with

OP posts:
AltheaVestrit · 28/03/2015 07:07

FFS, mumto3! What's to love?

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 28/03/2015 07:26

I don't believe that you love him. You just don't want to be alone and would rather put up with crap treatment.

For goodness sake, you do realise his treatment of you will only get worse with time don't you?

Kick him out and spend some time with your DC until you feel able to be in a healthy relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2015 07:46

"The appeal I guess Is coz I love him why else would I put up with being treated like I mean nothing
I cant explain why I love him tho and I know anyone else would think why would you love someone so selfish but I guess you cant help who you fall in love with"

I do not believe that you love him either and are instead in love with the idea of love and do not want to be alone. I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency as you may well be co-dependent.

Your mother (and she is not worthy of the term) as well set you up good and proper and taught you a lot of damaging lessons; it is of not much surprise to me that this man is also abusive because she is too.