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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
darkness · 30/03/2015 22:12

Oh damn...good monster with its head on fire went missing there !

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 22:14

what do you mean? sorry confused lol

OP posts:
darkness · 30/03/2015 22:16

I feel for you, but you don't need to list stuff to convince me / us hes an arse who dosnt deserve you...I was there days ago
Apparently we need to convince you...

darkness · 30/03/2015 22:18

Keep x posting..sorry
He shouldn't feature in your future story...he won't make you happy
And the two question marks were supposed to be an evil monster emoticon...

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/03/2015 22:23

enrique.... I'm not sure what I do wrong?
That's because you don't do anything wrong.

I know this shouldnt hurt so much
It should, that's why it does.
Why on earth should you not expect a little care and consideration and to be prioritized when you're in hospital?

I think darkness lost the Dragon

Forgive me if I'm blunt, because it's not only about you OP, but it makes me sad and angry in equal parts to read so often on MN about women who are made to feel that everything wrong about how some heartless tosser treats them is their own fault, when reading the situation makes it clear that it's really not their fault at all Confused

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 22:35

I guess maybe pathetically I'm looking for some bit of hope that he does care

OP posts:
darkness · 30/03/2015 22:44

Its not your fault he doesn't. Its his issue, his loss. Do not let him diminish you. He will probably have a strop if you dump him, ..but my cat sulks when you take the little corpses off him. What he sees its not you... Nor is he capable of doing so. He sees something he has created in his head..
You are lovable...do you ever see yourself through your kids eyes..?

To them you will be queen of the world Smile

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/03/2015 22:51

I don't think it's pathetic at all to want someone to care about you. Who doesn't want that.

I do sometimes think you have to accept that deeds speak far louder than words though. Remember the MN wisdom about when someone shows you who they are that you should take note?

Look mum even if you were my DD I wouldn't dream of telling you what you should do. I just like to point out things to think about.
Of course it's always far easier to see clearly looking from the outside than it is when you're in the situation, I understand that.

I'll just give you this bit of family wisdom to think about. Make a list of his good qualities and what he brings to your life and then on the other side of the page make a list of the negatives and the stuff that upsets you.

The good points always take care of themselves, they don't need dwelling on too much right now, we can all love the plus points. If you can live quite happily with the minus side, then fine, stay with him, the balance sheet works. Unfortunately from what you've told us one side of the page far outweighs the other and it sounds like he's sucking all the joy out of your life, not adding to it.

Above all, please don't think this is about you. It's about him and how he's treating you.

ICallConnerie · 30/03/2015 23:05

It's not pathetic honestly.

If someone says they love you then you do expect them to show it too.

Words really aren't worth anything without the actions backing them up. And his actions tell you all you need to know about his true feelings for you.

And your actions towards yourself are showing a lot too. You deserve better. But if you aren't going to even show yourself that then don't expect him to deliver either Flowers

RandomMess · 30/03/2015 23:13

So sorry to read what little respect and regard your partner has for you. The more you look for proof of his love for you, the more disappointed and hurt you are going to get.

I know it must be very painful but it's time to end the relationship, you deserve so much more Flowers

Jux · 31/03/2015 01:29

Please read the opening post of this thread. Reality wrote it quite a while ago but it's as pertinent now as it was then. She is talking to you and everyone like you who has got stuck on a bad relationship.

And remember what Enrique said too, upthread. You won't find a decent man who treats you properly if you stick with the little shit you've got.

Dump him. You will find someone good. My friend had spent years with a little shit who bankrupted her; she was forced back to work when she'd been running her own company for 40 years. She was over 65. She met a delightful man a couple of years ago, and they got married just before Xmas. They are in their 70s, and happy as skylarks. It makes me smile just hinking about them. There's always hope. Thanks

springydaffs · 31/03/2015 02:02

Darling, men usually pay for what he's getting from you.

Dear dear woman, he has no regard for you at all. Not the slightest. As hard as that is to hear, it is not as hard as months/years of unspeakable misery being ground to dust by exceptionally poor treatment.

Where oh where did you learn to accept treatment as bad as this? Sad

NeedABumChange · 31/03/2015 02:10

Full stops are nice sometimes.

ChoochiWhoo · 31/03/2015 02:40

Hes probably going home for a shag im sorry its glaring at me from that last post, the bit bout you being in hospital is horrible im so sorry Thanks

springydaffs · 31/03/2015 02:56

Fuck off bum

ChoochiWhoo · 31/03/2015 08:32

the lack of punctuation is a bit boggling to read but not really the issue

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 08:54

what do u mean gone home for a shag??
I'm confused now?
and I'm sorry if my punctuation is bad ive got alot of stress atm and havent stopped crying or slept/eaten in days so I feel a bit weak.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 08:56

thank you to all the ladies trying to help though. I'm so upset, maybe im being oversensitive think I should leave this thread because the jokey comments just upset me.

OP posts:
Jux · 31/03/2015 09:54

Mum, ignore worries about punctuation. As Choochiwoo says, it's not the issue, and as Springy demonstrated, most of us understand that and can read your posts and understand them.

I think that Choochi probably means that you are being lied to to an astronomical degree. Doubt everything he tells you, everything. Are you sure you're his dp and not his mistress?

ThanksThanks

So to respond to your opening sentence in your op, yes he is just as bad as your mother, just in a different way.

Given that he seems to have his cake and is eating it too, and that it is unlikely in the extreme that he will want to change anything (it all works for him), what would you like to happen next?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 10:04

i don't know if I'm the mistress he talks to me all the time ( most of the time ) even when hes not here so when hes not here I dont think hes with another woman if that makes sense?

OP posts:
ptumbi · 31/03/2015 10:31

it makes me sad and angry in equal parts to read so often on MN about women who are made to feel that everything wrong about how some heartless tosser treats them is their own fault

read that again OP. It is NOT your fault. He just doesn't care.

cozietoesie · 31/03/2015 10:41

No - it's not your fault. You just got yourself hooked up with a wrong 'un.

(You were hospitalised and rather than come visit you, he went out on the razzle with a mate?? Dear Goodness.)

I have to say that I think you're likely not his number one person - just someone who is convenient when he has nowehere else to go. I'm sorry to have to say that but you clearly don't have a decent relationship. People shouldn't be crying/not sleeping/not eating for days because of someone else if they can possibly avoid it.

Do you ever go over with him to see his family and friends? And how did you meet him?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 31/03/2015 11:01

i don't know if I'm the mistress he talks to me all the time ( most of the time ) even when hes not here so when hes not here I dont think hes with another woman if that makes sense?

Two impartial observations OP.
When you need him or expect him to come as arranged, he's not there with you, he's missing i.e. when you were in hospital and he was off work all week and when you were waiting for him on Friday night and he knew you were hungry.

Secondly, when he did show up exceptionally late on Friday he locked himself in the bathroom and was on Whatsapp.

You knew he was prioritizing catching up with a friend on occasion one, but who do you think was more important than you after he finally arrived on Friday?

You say how miserable you are at the moment, which is perfectly understandable, it sounds to be as the biggest factor contributing to that misery is the way this man's playing you Sad

Please have a good think about the points that have been made here. Don't leave the thread if the support you're getting is useful.

ChoochiWhoo · 31/03/2015 11:19

Hang on, im getting a slight pasting what i meant is that for someone who had an entire week off work and he didn't bother with you? That would have had me suspecting right off, i was wondering if you.are an OW too.

ChoochiWhoo · 31/03/2015 11:22

I appreciate this is upsetting to read but this part of MN actually is pretty good, sometimes it takes a stranger to point out the parts are are to painful for you to look straight in the eye