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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 31/03/2015 15:05

Hi mum, I have just read your thread. Earlier you said you were not sure why you were with him, that it's better than being alone (or words to that effect)

I would say that being alone is definitely better than this shit. You deserve so much more than to be made to feel this crap by him Flowers

And I don't know, but I bet womansaid wouldn't feel messed around, I bet they know what it's like to want to avoid a phone call whilst he is in around. Don't let your worries put you off contacting them again xx

justonemoretime2p · 31/03/2015 15:10

You should end the relationship ASAP.

Withershins · 31/03/2015 15:25

This is going to sound blunt, but I am not without sympathy for you.

This is who he is, nothing you can do/say is going to change him. You either can live with it, or not.
You either continue on knowing this is how your life will always be with this man, or you choose to be without him and allow yourself the chance of happiness.

Flowers
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 15:51

I understand, I've spent months and months hoping he will change or remember I exist
its just finding the strength to leave now with everything else ive got going on

OP posts:
Withershins · 31/03/2015 16:42

Nothing worth having is easy, you will feel sad at first, but what are you going to miss? He is rarely with you, when he is with you he makes you unhappy. It will be better, you will not constantly be waiting for him to turn up, you will get on and do other things, you will meet other people.

Use this as an opportunity to change lots of things, get out more/do different things, spend the time enjoying your family. Think about where you want to be in a few years time and find out what you can do to make it happen. In short just replace him with people/things that matter and that make you feel better about yourself not worse.

You WILL be fine you know Smile

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 31/03/2015 17:43

Mum you've had people who've discussed the situation with you and invited you to explore your own feelings at length and you've had people write one short sentence, but it's all boiled down to the same thing.

When this happened I said oh well he will be in bed by 9 and you can just crash out but he said well I can't can I coz then u will want to talk to me and you get all moody if I dont what would he have said if you'd replied 'oh no, I'll leave it and we can catch up some other time'

Can I ask you why you rang WA? what did you want from them apart from talking?
Did you want information, advice, just a kind listening ear or some support? Do you want your choice validated because you're not sure if you're right or not?

To end the relationship you could keep it really simple and say that it's not working out for you, no explanation or conversation, just that. One less thing in your life to worry about.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 18:08

I guess I should have said that Enrique.... I'm sorry if I'm bugging anyone by going over the same crap again and again...it helps to talk though as have no one else to talk to

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 31/03/2015 18:21

This is a great place for talking, and you don't need to worry about annoying people.

You've got a lot on your plate right now and he is draining you of energy to deal with it. One moment of strength is all it takes to get him out of your life and reclaim some of that energy.

MrsGPie01252 · 31/03/2015 18:28

Agree with Withershins. You need to focus on yourself and the kids and cut this negative twat from your life. He's completely selfish! Wants to have you there when he needs you and doesn't give you a second thought when otherwise engaged (doing God knows what!).

You are an adult mother of two and it's up to you to set an example to your kids of what a good relationship is. Do you feel you are doing that?

It's ok to fall for bastards when you are young and dumb with no self-esteem. You learn and grow! Please learn. This man is TOXIC and a waste of space. Kick him to the curb. Focus on you! You have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be in a healthy living a relationship. Learn to love yourself!

Be proud of you!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 31/03/2015 18:32

I think if you had said that to him you'd have totally taken the wind out of his sails, but you seem to play your allocated part in his game and reinforce the fact that you'll stand for it.

I don't think it's a question of bugging anyone mum Everyone here knows that seeing the reality of a situation versus sorting that situation out isn't as simple as words on a page. There are real stresses and real emotions to deal with.
It's more a case of being upset for anyone who's in your situation and putting up with such uncaring behaviour. I don't like it that you seem to think you're better of with him than without him and that your children are seeing this model of a relationship Sad

I'm lucky that I learnt early on if you lay yourself down like a doormat don't be surprised when people wipe their feet on you.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 20:19

I think I learnt the opposite Enrique that this is how I should be treated or normal I guess but I know its not.
I need that one moment of strength so badly I'm just so drained atm

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 31/03/2015 20:54

Then when you decide how to behave, imagine you're one of your DDs and use that as a yardstick as to whether your response is a good one or not.

Look on yourself and your own behaviour as if you're presenting a lesson to them and to your DS how to behave as an adult.

If it's not a good message for them then don't do it.

Momagain1 · 31/03/2015 21:44

mumto3: you are doing beautifully on this. It takes a while to hear what you need to often enough to act on it. Dont give up. Try womens aid again. Dont leave the thread you started.

You know you matter and deserve respect and kindness but the knowledge keeps getting trampled by people who want you to be in their control, and they start in showing and telling you how unimportant they think you are, until you give in and do as they want.

MN is here to help that knowledge inside you not be trampled. It is safe here to ask the questions over and over and hear the answers over and over until they stick and it gives you strength. You deserve to be treated well, and to be happy. He isn't good for you. Relationships should not be such hard work for so little reward.

Jux · 31/03/2015 21:48

I think you need to go on the Freedom Programme asap. Ask WA about it. I think you may be able to email them - check on their site, there should be an address. You could take the opportunity to outline your problems with your horrid p at the same time and let them know good times to call you when you know he won't be with you.

You're not bugging people. Don't worry.

ChoochiWhoo · 31/03/2015 22:07

Could you just dump him over text?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 22:09

I will try and be stronger thank you

OP posts:
springydaffs · 31/03/2015 22:31

Go to the Freedom Programme and you will get the strength. That's what is does. Knowledge is power and as the knowledge sinks in your strength will rise. You can't get strength from nowhere, this is one very good place you can get it. It is an amazing course on so many levels.

As I've already posted, Google 'Freedom Programme', click 'find a course' and local courses will come up.

star8369 · 31/03/2015 22:32

off topic I know but it pisses me right off when you get loads and loads of replies and then one person pipes up with oh I cant read your post because you have no punctuation

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 22:35

thank you star lol I agree
and I def will google the freedom programme....

OP posts:
star8369 · 31/03/2015 22:38

its alright mum I hope you are ok and sort things out to make you happier

CharlotteCollins · 31/03/2015 22:46

Lol. I thought the full stop comment was a metaphor for ending one chapter of your life and starting another! Grin

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 31/03/2015 23:50

No just someone being a smartarse Charlotte unfortunately....obviously nothing better to do!

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 01/04/2015 10:53

Ah well. One poster in hundreds is best ignored, so we'll think no more about it!

That feeling of being drained - how about texting and saying, "Don't come over this weekend, I'm not feeling well." Don't tell him it's him who's making you feel like that! It would give you just a little bit of space.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 01/04/2015 21:30

That's a good idea...ive had my best mate over tonight she thinks I should treat him with the same respect/contempt he treats me...

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 01/04/2015 21:43

I'm being ignored atm tho so I cant actually try that idea!

OP posts: