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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
darkness · 28/03/2015 07:53

He treats you exactly as badly as he is able to get away with
He clearly doesn't care about your feelings (upset?)
Your physical needs (hunger)

He is not a partner who shares ( he lies..he hasnt seen you all week and I bet you did the driving)
So that relegates you to a convenient "squeeze" for the price of a curry ( take off the price off the money he owes you though)

It sound just horrible even writing it out ! Please value yourself a little more and ltb

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/03/2015 09:17

The only thing worse than wasting two years trying to keep him sweet when he long ago stopped bothering to make any effort because he's got you hooked is two years plus one day. Then two years plus two days, and so on.

cozietoesie · 28/03/2015 09:18

How does he get on with your kids, mum ?

pictish · 28/03/2015 09:20

No...I don't think this is about your being in love with him. I think this is about your fear of being on your own. I think you'd rather cling on to a cruddy part-time relationship than not be in one at all.

He's not loving, he's not kind, he doesn't make you feel good. He's rude and dismissive of you, he speaks to you like shit then takes the piss because you're upset about it.
He's not even your partner...he shows up when he feels like it, and throws you some crumbs of attention now and then to keep you hooked. You sit in waiting for him to grace you with his presence, while he does exactly as he pleases with no regard for you at all. When he has a free week, he doesn't choose to spend any of it with you.
That's not a partnership. He's your casual boyfriend, while you're his safe bet. He's made it quite clear that you may expect nothing from him, and must be grateful for what little he sees fit to give.
On top of all that he issues conditions that you must keep in order to retain the status quo!

No...I do not believe you are motivated by love. I think you're motivated by hope....hope that if you jump through enough hoops, put up with his shit and play the doting, passive sure thing, he'll suddenly wake up to what a gem you are, fall in love with you and start treating you better. I think you're motivated by what you hope the relationship will become. I think you're in love with the man you want him to be.

But that's not who he is you see. What you have is what you'll get...and nobody falls in love with that.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 28/03/2015 11:52

were just getting ready to go....hes been locked in the bathroom on whatssap for ages...priorities eh!
I wish he wasnt coming now you could cut the atmosphere with a knife

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 28/03/2015 11:52

Read two pages of this and then Attila got in (as usual!) with the thought that sprang to mind. Having a toxic parent has prepared you for being treated like dirt by a partner too. You expect to be thrown the occasional crumbs of affection if you're a good girl (ugh), because it's what you're used to. Had your mother loved you unconditionally, as I'm sure you love your own kids, you would have the confidence in your own fabulousness to say "I am worth more than this" and truly believe it. Would you like your daughter to put up with a thoughtless boyfriend like this in a few years' time?

On a more trivial note: you only can't dump him this weekend because he's supposed to be driving for you all, now he can't do that either because he's hungover sick! He's not kind and now he's not even useful.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/03/2015 11:54

Oh, he is going to drive. Whoop-de-doo. But he's going to punish you for it by being in a mood. It's quite cute when toddlers do it...

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 28/03/2015 19:38

I hope you have a reasonable weekend OP but after it's over I would seriously re-evaluate your relationship with this man.
I don't believe you love him either and he certainly doesn't love you. I think you're afraid of being alone and living in hope that he'll change.

He won't.
What you have now is the best you're going to get with him and the title of your thread makes me sad for you

Happiness lies elsewhere Flowers

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/03/2015 19:48

He's got another woman op Thanks

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 13:29

thanks for that guiltypleasures! :(

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 30/03/2015 13:34

How was the weekend, mumto3?

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/03/2015 13:45

Apologies for being so blunt op, it was meant to focus your attention on you, and not on how best to analyse his appalling behaviour and make his world better.

You really deserve to come first and I get the impression your much farther down his list than 2nd even.

But I still stand by my post, he's not even kind or vaguely thoughtful towards you. Cut him lose, all the time wasted on him means time not spent with someone decent Thanks

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 30/03/2015 13:54

Regardless of whether he's got another woman or not OP, you are very very low down on his list of priorities.

You deserve better.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/03/2015 18:02

I don't think anyone meant to upset you mum well, with the exception of your DP.

Sometimes we take exception to something said by a stranger when in reality, it's what we're secretly worrying about and not facing up to.
It might be less that he has someone else on the go and just that he's not too fussed about being a partner. It's a bit like that feeling that I can criticize my kids for bad behaviour but heaven help anyone else who says something about them. Do you know what I mean?

I think people here are just concerned for you and your happiness.
Try reading what you've written here as if it were written by someone else and then see what you make of it all Flowers

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 18:52

thank you enrique and ur right id hate it if my daughter was ever made to feel how I am but I dont really have anyone else than him I guess thats why I put up with it

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/03/2015 19:11

Mum, I've seen DDs in bad relationships in the past and what I always said to them is that the more time they stayed in a bad relationship then the more they were delaying their chances of meeting someone good for them to be happy with. You won't find someone special who you love and who loves and treats you well while you're thinking he's better than nothing.
The more he knows he can treat you badly he has no incentive to change. Either that or you constantly row and that's obviously not making you happy.

I do understand that your position's hard and that the prospect of being on your own means you think you'll be lonely, but the hard truth is that you're lonely anyway within this relationship. Lonely, unsure and upset Sad
You might actually feel like a weight's lifted off your shoulders if you ended it with him and at least when you make any arrangements you'd know for sure where you stand.

Your thread title is very telling you know.
What do you think you do wrong?

Years ago I had some brilliant advice from someone I didn't know all that well at all. Something was upsetting me and he told me very firmly 'if it bothers you, change it, don't moan to me about it' At first I thought it was horribly blunt and uncaring, but in truth it was spot on and turned out to be the catalyst for me doing just that, which was the best thing I did in years.

Part of becoming your own person is having the confidence to know what's right for you and when to get out of a situation that's not doing you any good. Think on that and think about your DCs as well, their environment and the example you're setting for them. I think you'll find out that you're much stronger than you give yourself credit for because this man's got you on the back foot thinking you're somehow in the wrong all the time depending on his current whims.

cozietoesie · 30/03/2015 19:12

How is he with your kids, Mum ? Are any of you really happy with him?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 21:29

hes ok with my kids yeah but tbh he doesn't really see much of them as at night when he comes over they are in bed and some weekends he is over they are at thier dads

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 21:31

enrique.... I'm not sure what I do wrong? sometimes just my presence annoys him the look on my face etc the tone of my voice the fact he thinks I'm a misery etc etc etc... I'm not sure why he doesnt just break up with me if theres nothing good about me!

OP posts:
darkness · 30/03/2015 21:44

Hmm because he enjoys "playing" with you
He could see you happy
But its not what he wants....he's like a cat with a baby bird....

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 21:47

I hope its not that but you're probably right....seems so cruel x

OP posts:
darkness · 30/03/2015 21:57

It is, very very cruel. But you are not trapped. All you have to do is say no. Start a new page.
"Mumto3beauties didn't know it but the next year was going to be the best in her life, ........"
And you just need to decide how it goes from there

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 21:59

Thank you id love that statement to be true Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
mumto3beautys · 30/03/2015 22:08

hes just called to say his dad has been taken into hospital for tests ( dont think its serious ) and about how worried he is hes going to book day off to go and see him tomorrow etc all as you would expect someone to act about someone they love
heres the selfish bit on my part....it hurt hearing him say that because although it shows he is caring I never see that side of him
last year I was hospitalised with what they thought was a collapsed lung and spent 2 days on a surgical ward being monitored and prepped for theatre....he was off work for the week and never visited me once infact I barely even heard off him all week and he blamed it on the fact his friend was back who lives abroad and they had a massive few day long blowout as hadnt seen each other for ages
I know this shouldnt hurt so much but it did because it just shows he does have the ability to be caring to others just not to me!

OP posts:
darkness · 30/03/2015 22:11

Why is it not?
What would you write , what makes you happiest ( remembering that the grumpy beast mentioned here ?? will be forced to live under a bridge
And so can't be included in the story