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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God knows what I've done wrong now!

563 replies

mumto3beautys · 27/03/2015 19:20

hi to all
I've got a thread on here about my toxic mother but I'm not sure my dp is much better, can I think aloud and people give me their opinion
take today for example he's staying over as we are going to visit family in the morning for the weekend
he's been off work all week but I've not seen him since Saturday as he's been "busy"
he was meant to come last night but cancelled as his ex threatened if he didn't have his son while she went drinking he wouldn't be seeing him again
so hes coming tonight ive spoken to him a few times today and he's just so angry all the time bites my head off for the smallest thing
the only thing I have done today is say oh probably in a bit of a dissapointed voice when he said he had to go and see his mum at 8 so no idea when he will get here...infact his words were ill be there when I'm there stop putting pressure on me ( I havent seen him all week! )
he's bringing a takeaway so I guess he will call when he's there to ask what I want but he has literally bit my head off in every single conversation today!
I said are you going to be in a better mood or be nice when you get here, I didn't mean it to be patronising I just wanted a heads up and his reply was yeah if u do this this and this and don't do this or this
surely there shouldn't be so many rules for someone to just be kind???
I have no idea why he's so angry/nasty atm

OP posts:
queenofwesteros · 10/04/2015 17:08

You're doing so well dealing with this tiny little prick.
Please just send him a curt one liner - "Not up for seeing you this weekend". And engage no more.

queenofwesteros · 10/04/2015 17:10

You know that if you let him in tonight you'll be back to square one, don't you? Feeling like shit and wondering what you've done to displease The Master. Please don't do it. Stay strong OP, talk to us here instead.

cozietoesie · 10/04/2015 17:10

A day in the sunshine with your little girl - sounds just right. Smile

Boomerwang · 10/04/2015 18:07

'expecting some grief later'

What? Have you not listened to a word anyone has said? Lock the fucking door!

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 10/04/2015 18:10

thanks boomerwang! and yes I have listened! door is locked....I meant by text and no I dont wanna turn my phone off

OP posts:
Jux · 10/04/2015 18:14

How about changing your surroundings a bit to signify the change in your life? Are there any things you have put away because he didn't like them? An ornament or something? Bring it out again. Rearrange a room so it looks and feels different.

It's a great way to pass the time, and it's fun too. I used to do it in my flat every 6months or so. Gave everything a really deep clean, floor to ceiling and moved furniture about. Felt like a whole new flat!

Jux · 10/04/2015 18:16

If you play music loud while you change the room around, you won't hear the phone....

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 10/04/2015 18:16

ive been doing that today while my little girl slept and getting all the summer stuff out of the loft Smile

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 10/04/2015 18:24

Mum did you cave and start replying to his texts or have you continued with radio silence?

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 10/04/2015 18:28

I haven't replied to anything x

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 10/04/2015 19:29

Brilliant lady!

TendonQueen · 10/04/2015 20:08

You've done really well not replying to anything. If you're thinking he will turn up tonight, though, it might be useful to send a message just saying 'tired out from busy day with the kids, so let's skip tonight' as queen suggested, to save him arriving on the doorstep - don't know how likely he is to do that if he doesn't hear from you. I guess it's probably hard to tell given that usually, he always does hear from you. Progress! Smile

tipsytrifle · 10/04/2015 20:27

I think that some measured communication is required too. I also think if your intention is to finish this then sooner rather than later would be a good idea. Equally, if you choose to have a break rather than a break-up it is getting to a point where boundaries need to be set and statements made. Via text. No explanations are required at all, ever.

CharlotteCollins · 10/04/2015 20:48

Meh. I'm starting to think just never talk to him again and don't bother with even a text.

What's your plan, OP, or are you too busy enjoying your summer things to even give it a thought? Wink

43percentburnt · 10/04/2015 20:48

Hi mum you are doing really well. I see he turned into Mr nasty, then Mr accusation (it's not him, it's you being a cheat - he is Mr perfection) then Mr nice ( sort of, with his ikea promise).

Now you need to wait for 'bad mum'. You don't get a full house until you are told you are a bad mum. I see it as the true prize insult, with streamers and glitter and party blowers.

Stay strong you have come a long way.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Jux · 10/04/2015 22:07

Oh mum, you are brilliant! You are so strong. What a great mum to have Smile. Fabulous woman. Be proud.

Lolo37 · 11/04/2015 06:50

Hi mum
Just read the whole thread for the first time. I'm so pleased that you have started to see him for the total arse that he really is. How did last night go?
You've done so well so far!

WilsonWilsonWoman · 11/04/2015 12:53

Hey mum, been watching this thread for a few days now, how's your weekend so far? Hope last night was uneventful!

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 11/04/2015 19:50

hi all last night was uneventful apart from a few txts I have had a good weekend but dare I say it without everyone going noooooo! ..... I do miss him! its like some kind of addiction even though I know he's bad for me Sad

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 11/04/2015 20:00

Grin It's OK to miss him. Just as long as you're not thinking, "Maybe I got it wrong and I should give him another chance." THAT will get you a chorus of "nooooo!"s!

What you're missing is most likely not the real him. It's an act he did from time to time to keep you hooked. Yy to addictive. Just remember that your feelings are a result of going cold turkey from Class A Fuckwit and ride through the shakes and so on! There will come a day when you will wonder what you saw in him.

TooManyDicksOnTheDancefloor · 11/04/2015 20:01

I know how you feel, I was in a similar relationship when I was in university. I could only walk away when I caught him cheating. It's not love, it's a weird addiction. This was 15 years ago, it's only in the last year, since reading mumsnet, that I've realised what an abusive wanker he was. Please stay strong, you don't miss him, you miss the occasional crumbs he throws you when he needs to get you back in line.

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 11/04/2015 20:11

ok Thanks ill try n keep strong....I feel down tonight n would love to see him but why I dunno x

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 11/04/2015 20:55

Are you missing him or some adult company after the kids all day? (Straight question.)

Original poster
mumto3beautys · 11/04/2015 21:06

erm id say him as I do love him but maybe it is just adult company....

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 11/04/2015 21:15

Maybe then.

I suspect though that you have a real low opinion of yourself (without justification I should add - we all have a pretty good idea of what you're like by now) and that simply to have him round is enough to make you feel appreciated and loved. Just a presence even if he's a mean and self-centred bully when he's there.

Is that possible ?