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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex for 3 years.

151 replies

Unwanted · 30/10/2006 16:10

Hi. I'm a regular poster, but had to change my name for this one. I've been married for 3 and a half years, second marriage. DH hasn't come near me for 3 of those years. Well, I tell a lie, we have had sex (of sorts) 4 times in 3 years, but always after days of almost pleading on my part, and then it was a disaster every time. His response to my requests is 'well you'll have to do all the work then, I can't be bothered'. When we have had sex in the past it is the weirdest I have ever known. he is totally silent...totally totally silent. No facial expressions, no groans or moans or sighs...I have to guess when it's over. His excuses have been 'too tired', 'no contraception', 'kids are awake'...basically anything he can think of. I am not on the pill/coil etc as I will not commit myself to that and then find we are still not having sex, but he refuses to wear a condom.
I have suggested going to relate, but he refuses point blank. he says he will not discuss his life with a nosy b*ch! When I have treid to talk to him he tells me to f*k off, or shut up, or 'you're boring me now'.
I have remained faithful so far, but I am running out of patience. I am 37, so still young enough to start again. But he is a real control freak, and I saw what he did to his first wife when she left him and I don't relish the same treatment. It was all emotional, not physical, but terrifying all the same. I'm not allowed to have photos of my kids on the walls, and when I or the kids talk to anyone on the phone he will make sure that he shouts at either me or the kids so that the person on the other end hears him and, I guess, knows he is in charge.
There is so much more to this story, but I would be here all night if I told you all of it. But the fact that I am putting it all down in 'writing' shows to me that I am at the end of my tether

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 30/10/2006 16:12

so what changed after the half a year when you were having sex?

tbh, he sounds frightful and I think (by writing it down) you're wondering what the hell you are doing with him.

ssd · 30/10/2006 16:13

god he sounds awful.

sorry but why did you marry him and WHY are you staying?

thats not a life its a living hell.

please look at getting you and your kids out, for your sanity and your kids emotional health too.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 30/10/2006 16:17

FFS how can you let a man treat you like that? Sex isn't the problem here, is there any intimacy, respect or love at all between you? What I mean is what makes you differnt from a live in maid. Harsh I know but really, if you had just read what you wrote from someone else on here what would you advise them to do?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2006 16:17

I would also ask why you married him. Why are you still in this situation?. It certainly is not easy to leave but its a damn sight better than staying in such a toxic environment.

This relationship (and I use that term advisedly) is doing both your children and you untold emotional harm. What lessons are being taught here to yoru children?.

harpsichordcarrion · 30/10/2006 16:19

this has absolutely nothing to do with sex, you know.
this man is clearly incapable of a loving relationship, and I can't see how that will change.
do you really want to stay?
do you have anyone to help you leave?

NAB3 · 30/10/2006 16:20

Why are you still with him?

Piffle · 30/10/2006 16:28

I think this speaks volumes about your relationship.
DP and I have gone through VERy lean times sexually (been together 6 yrs) esp during pregnancy and after dd's birth.
We also remained close, affectionate and good humoured about it and found ways around it that kept us sane.
Your husbands inability to consider the impact his behavious has on you is tragic, his refusal to countenance counselling tells you he is not interested in putting in any work to save your marriage.
Tell him it's a deal breaker. It would be for me
Lack of sex is one thing, lack of intimacy is a whole other ballgame and lack of respect - killer...
I'm sorry it must be very hard for you xx

lulumama · 30/10/2006 16:33

desperately sorry you are going through this.......

he tells you you to f**k off when you try to discuss a totally relevant aspect of your relationship

he has serious problems....you are a saint to stay for 3 years...with never mind no sex...no intimacy, no loving, no kindness , no respect.

he is a control freak to the extent he cannot let go to make love to his wife......

what you have said is enough.....i think you know in your heart what the answer is....it's how you going to do it that is the hard part......

Twohootsandapumpkin · 30/10/2006 16:41

Agree with LM - I am really sorry you are going through this. The man sounds devoid of any feeling. We too have gone through lean parts without sex - again kids and tiredness because of our child - but we do joke about it/keep the intimacy in other ways.

It is easier for people to say leave him - but I am pretty sure in practice it's very hard for you.

Would it be worth you going to counselling on your own to talk through the issues and maybe help you see more clearly what you need/want to do? I am sure he wouldn't want to do anything like that but he can't stop you - may also give him a kick up the ar*e to make him think you really feel strongly about it...?

Again I am really sorry you are going through this - you must have both loved each other once and it must be very hard to walk away from your home/family (even if it is really not right).

Please keep coming on here for any support you need

sunnydelight · 30/10/2006 17:33

You are being emotionally abused and hopefully the fact that you are starting to put it in writing means that maybe you are ready to start doing something about it. I don't for a minute think that getting out of this relationship would be easy for you, but can you (and your kids) really live your lives like this? I think you need some proper support - is there a Womens Refuge near you where you could talk to someone. Your story makes me so sad - you deserve better. Good luck.

BudaBeast · 30/10/2006 17:37

Well I could beat you on the time issue - many more years than that here. BUT - my DH is a great husband in all other ways.

Yours I am sorry to say is not.

DS is calling from downstairs so I have to go but will come back to this thread later.

BuffysMum · 30/10/2006 17:41

Thinking of you. Hope you find the courage to sort it out.

messyoldmess · 30/10/2006 18:14

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband sounds very abusive & you are clearly very unhappy.
I would reccomend you contact womens aid - they are excellent for support.
I am in the process of seperating from my husband because he was very controlling & emotionally abusive. It has taken me a very long time to reach this point though, so I know it isn't an easy option.
I don't know how old your children are, but my HV has been an enormous support for me. She arranged for me to go to a freedom training group & even came along with me.
MN is a great place for support & has really kept me going at times.
Keep posting & I hope you get the help you need.xx

adozenroses · 30/10/2006 18:59

What an awful situation for you to be in. I know there must be so much going on you haven't wrote about, but the section you have said is scary enough!!

I agree with messyoldmess. I was offered support from my HV a while ago when my b*h of a mil reported my dh for domestic violence (my dh is the biggest softy ever!!) Anyway, my point is if you need someone to talk to, a HV can help and your dh will assume it is routine kid things.

Hope you get things sorted. ((((big hugs)))

Tinkerboo · 30/10/2006 20:23

Hello
You need to get out - plan it, protect yourself and the kids and make the move - life is too short and too precious to live with a bully like this. You and the kids deserve better - he needs help and doesn't deserve you and the children.
Best of luck.

ProfYaffle · 30/10/2006 20:38

Have e-mailed you Unwanted.

Whoowhoobewhooooooh · 30/10/2006 20:48

Unwanted: I'm guessing he wasn't like this when you got together.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was younger. (Luckily we didn't have kids together). Your story rang plenty of bells with me.

I know men like this. They slowly chip away at your self-esteem until there's nothing left.

The only way I managed to find the strength to end the relationship was by being unfaithful to him (not suggesting you try this btw, just worked for me). He refused to sleep with me, and it gave me enough courage to get out.

I am a strong, reasonably intelligent woman, and the hardest thing to get over was how incredibly stupid I felt afterwards.

It doesn't sound like relationship counselling would do you any good. I hope you find the courage to leave him and start to rebuild your shattered confidence.

littletikes · 30/10/2006 21:38

i am very interested in this thread as i am in something similiar. But when kids are involved its harder to leave especially as he does not do anything in front of them. If i left he would still try and see the kids, which i would not trust. If i did not allow the kids to see him. In years to come when they realise they do have a dad (mine are very young and not really attached) and i lied they will turn against me. This is what i had in my growing up years. You are in a no win situation but missery for the next god knows how long in your life.

Original poster

Unwanted · 30/10/2006 22:33

When we first got together he was working away a lot, so we would go weeks at a time without seeing each other. the cracks started showing when we got our first place together, weeks after we married (he went away the day after the wedding). His moods became so erratic, and he would go off in a black mood for the silliest thing.
When we were first together we would spend houras on the phone, and he could really talk the talk if you know what I mean, but in reality he's emotionally dead. You're exactly right; the sex is just indicative of what's going on in the rest of the marriage. There is NO affection, NO love, NO passion, NO interest...not even any friendship. I have a pretty emotionally draining job, and I need someone to talk to, but he shows no interest in what I do, to the point where, when I try and engage him in conversation he will talk over me, or change the subject or walk out of the room. Tonight for instance, I was telling him soemthing the kids had done (I have 2 from 1st marriage, and we have one together) and as I was telling him he said 'oh, we never got around to painting that bit of wall'. It;s so demeaning.
I'm an affectionate, tactile person and I so miss the closeness and intimacy. And yes, I am worried about the message this gives to my children. I have told them that this is NOT what a normal marriage is like. We don't share a bed, which I have to say I am now glad about as he snores really badly. I tried to get him to do something about that too, as it's truly horrendous, but he won't use a spray, a nose strip, or go the doctor. He says it's my problem since I'm the one who listens to it!
When we got married my brother wouldn't come to the wedding, neither would my Mum. But my brother hasn't spoken to me now for 3 and a half years, and DH has forbidden me from ever visiting him, or allowing him to ever meet our DD. Fair enough that my brother didn't come to the wedding, but I have wanted to bury the hatchet many a time, but I'm not allowed.
The problem I ahve now is, if I stand up to him (which i am doing a lot now) he will deliberately come home late, which means that I can't go to work. I have my own business so can't ring in sick. If I leave we a) have nowhere to go and b) I will lose my business as I have no one to be with the children. I have told him I want a divorce, but he won't move out, and then the next day he is acting as if nothing is wrong.

OP posts:

JoolsToo · 30/10/2006 22:35

I'm a bit confused. If he is so non-committal how on earth does he get an erection?

Piffle · 30/10/2006 22:38

Caught between a rock and a hard place unwanted
Do what you have to do to end it. Make subtle changes so as to not rock the boat, it might take weeks months of even a year or more, but your end goal is getting a life back, and mayeb one day some love in it.

Original poster

Unwanted · 30/10/2006 22:44

Yes, I have thought many times about having an affair. But the fallout terrifies me to be honest. His emotional and verbal abuse is so extreme and venomous that it doesn't even bear thinking about. He has also said that if I ever leave him he would take the baby with him. He has suffered mental illness in the past (before me)so it's a very real threat.I truly believe he could.

OP posts:

lulumama · 30/10/2006 22:45

how terribly sad...and how awful your children need to be taught this is not normal

can you get in contact with your family while he is out and explain...if you want to leave....maybe they will offer their support.....

lulumama · 30/10/2006 22:45

and what mental illness has he been diagnosed with> is he or has he had treatment>

Piffle · 30/10/2006 22:46

So make things happen so he can't
I would also think about seeing a counsellor on your own
He is perpetrating mental abuse over you

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