No sex for 3 years.

[Unwanted]

Hi. I'm a regular poster, but had to change my name for this one. I've been married for 3 and a half years, second marriage. DH hasn't come near me for 3 of those years. Well, I tell a lie, we have had sex (of sorts) 4 times in 3 years, but always after days of almost pleading on my part, and then it was a disaster every time. His response to my requests is 'well you'll have to do all the work then, I can't be bothered'. When we have had sex in the past it is the weirdest I have ever known. he is totally silent...totally totally silent. No facial expressions, no groans or moans or sighs...I have to guess when it's over. His excuses have been 'too tired', 'no contraception', 'kids are awake'...basically anything he can think of. I am not on the pill/coil etc as I will not commit myself to that and then find we are still not having sex, but he refuses to wear a condom.
I have suggested going to relate, but he refuses point blank. he says he will not discuss his life with a nosy b*ch! When I have treid to talk to him he tells me to f*k off, or shut up, or 'you're boring me now'.
I have remained faithful so far, but I am running out of patience. I am 37, so still young enough to start again. But he is a real control freak, and I saw what he did to his first wife when she left him and I don't relish the same treatment. It was all emotional, not physical, but terrifying all the same. I'm not allowed to have photos of my kids on the walls, and when I or the kids talk to anyone on the phone he will make sure that he shouts at either me or the kids so that the person on the other end hears him and, I guess, knows he is in charge.
There is so much more to this story, but I would be here all night if I told you all of it. But the fact that I am putting it all down in 'writing' shows to me that I am at the end of my tether

it sounds to me as if he could still be ill, could you maybe go and see the doctor with out him knowing and speack to them about it, i have afriend whose husband 8 years ago had amental breackdown and he wouldnt see anyone, he wouldnt let my friend out of their house only to go food shopping, on one of the occasions she went to speack to his doctor and after a bit of a roolercoaster he got treatment that hes still on today,

what im thinking is if you are saying they said he was adanger to him self and others and he has made threats about your baby then wouldnt it be better to try to get him some help then leave while he is stable?

Puts me off having a second marriage. Poor you. That's not a way to live. It's unacceptable.

Come on surely you can do something.
Relevant quetsions are do you and he own a property jointly? If so you can get him out once your divorce is finalised as you have the child and he will have to wait for his share of the equity for a bit.
Why can't you get childcare? Is it that you earn less per hour than you'd pay someone to care for your child?

Unwanted. I am on another thread talking about a very similiar situation called And the ooint of having a partner is.
My partner does nothing and alos has always controlled me. My father too controlled us. This is why we have settled for someting alike. The house we jointly own has a large omount of cash in it which is mine so i too can not leave but have to try and find other solutions. Its hard for people to understand thecontrolling and that unless you leave all you own money behind and go back to being broke you really can not do anything else. My partner does not have mental probelms, but he has had many other probelems in his life and he has not dealt with them very well. I have had far more problems than him but have managed to better myself (but not in the area of relationships though). I sympathise hugely, but i know exactly where you are coming from. XX

You may be able to get a two part injunction against him, even though you do not mention any domestic violence.
A solicitor could make an application on your behalf for a non molestation injunction, linked to an occupation order.
The non mol. part is issued by the judge without your husband knowing anything about it and the idea is to tide you over for a couple of weeks until the occupation order (an order that he leaves the house) is made (they're not made without the husband knowing).
A non molestation injunction protects you from harrasment, threat or physical injury. You do notl have to have been hit to get this type of injunction. It will cover you and the children. If he were to breach it, the police will arrest him (there's usually a power of arrest attached to the injunction) and he'd potentially go to prison for contempt of court. That gives you protection while you're waiting for the court to deal with the application for an occupation order.
If made, the occupation order will say that he has to get out of the house and stay out for 6 to 12 months. Again, if he tries to return the police will pick him up & he goes to prison.
You may well qualify for public funding. You need to get a family law specialist solicitor ASAP. Good luck.

You may be able to get a two part injunction against him, even though you do not mention any domestic violence.
A solicitor could make an application on your behalf for a non molestation injunction, linked to an occupation order.
The non mol. part is issued by the judge without your husband knowing anything about it and the idea is to tide you over for a couple of weeks until the occupation order (an order that he leaves the house) is made (they're not made without the husband knowing).
A non molestation injunction protects you from harrasment, threat or physical injury. You do notl have to have been hit to get this type of injunction. It will cover you and the children. If he were to breach it, the police will arrest him (there's usually a power of arrest attached to the injunction) and he'd potentially go to prison for contempt of court. That gives you protection while you're waiting for the court to deal with the application for an occupation order.
If made, the occupation order will say that he has to get out of the house and stay out for 6 to 12 months. Again, if he tries to return the police will pick him up & he goes to prison.
You may well qualify for public funding. You need to get a family law specialist solicitor ASAP. Good luck.

oops. sorry

Unwanted.....are you around?

hi sorry. Been a nightmare day today. He decided not to go into work today, but insisted on coming shopping with me and the kids and proceeded to make our lives hell. He shouted at my son in tescos, at the top of his voice, that he was nothing but my daughter's 'b*tch' because she bosses him around and he lets her! My son is 9. He has also taken every opportunity to criticise and put down me and the kids. I feel emotionally and physically drained so am going to bed now.

Sweetheart, you know this isn't right.

Please, as someone else suggested, contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 who will help you with a strategy for leaving him, or getting rid of him. There is no way he would get custody of your baby - given the emotional abuse - and it is abuse - he is meting out to your kids (what happened tonight - that is no way to speak to children).

I know you say you're scared because of the emotional havoc he put on his 1st wife but I bet she is in a better place now - literally and emotionally, then she would have been sticking with him.

This isn't fair on you and it isn't fair on your kids. He will destroy you all. You're obviously capable if you've got your own business, you can do something about this.

Unwanted where are you? I'm sure some MN's in your area could offer you some support. You need to ask for help and take it when offered. You really need to make a clear decision in your own mind and once that's made plan, in secret and with help for it.

Where do you see yourself in 5yrs time? Surely you don't want to be in the same place. To breakway will be so hard at first, but then imagine 5yrs on....you'll be sorted and happy, living a different life with the children.

Everyday must be despartae and you sound exhausted physically and mentally, but get help to get strong and focus on the future which can be different.

I am in the midlands if that's anywhere near?

Hi Tinkerboo. I am in East Anglia.
Witchscatsmother: I know it's not right, God how I know! I was all set to do some research today (women's aid etc) and nearly died when I came downstairs this morning and found him here when he should have been at work! His first wife is a pretty bitter woman I have to say so not sure how much better she is now. Having said that she has just completed a degree whilst being a single Mum to their 2 pretty troubled teenagers so she has some guts!
I have tobe careful how I research though, as he checks my history on the computer. I know there are ways of wiping it, but it never works for me. That's how he found out I had been looking into marriage guidance. he went mad.
You mention my business; would you believe I am a therapist who deals with damaged people all the time? But it is so so hard to get away from a controlling partner (or parent come to that and I have one of those too).
Xenia...we don't own our property, it's rented. i have asked him so many times to leave but he won't; he just refuses.

If you don't own it then there's not much point in staying in it and getting him out really, except it's better than a refuge and all your things are there and the children are used to it. You could see a lawyer as someone else said to get a court order to have him removed if there are grounds may be or just plan to leave ASAP.
You need to secure things first - check savings (if any) are safe, property, think about any joint bank accounts. Could you move in with a parent rather than a refuge?

Xenia. There are no savings (but lots of debts). No, I can't stay with my Mum as she is also a controlling person and it would be out of the frying pan into the fire. I think, in the short term, I am going to start moving 'special' things of mine and the kids out and ask a friend to keep them for us until we have a house. It's not something I can do immediately; it will take a few weeks so I can plan it as best I can.

you should get out. but it takes time.

My strategy was to give my ex wife an ultimatum that unless she was ready to change the way she behaved towards me and the children, get therapy, I was ready to leave. It doesn't sound like it has a snowballs chance of working in your case. but at least I tried. Took a year and a half of really awful life to get out.

At least you have the prospect of keeping custody of your kids.

Sounds to me like you are making progress. These are the toughest things to face in life.

Make a list of all the things you need to do with your work, preparing the ground, living arrangements

Good luck

Unwanted - after what you said about your pc I'm not sure whether it's safer to post here rather than e-mail you. If you want to come over here you can use our pc and store things here as well.

x.

Hi all. The bonus of posting this and reading all your replies is that it is clarifying in my mind that it is HIM with the problem, not me. the problem with a destructive relationship like this is that as your self esteem wears away, you start to believe that maybe it is you who is to blame, and that maybe you deserve it, or that maybe you bring it on yourself. In some ways it would be easier if he was physically abusive, in that there would be marks to show that it was real after he has calmed down, but this way he abuses us all, makes us feel totally s*t about ourselves and then switches in the blink iof an eye to being 'normal', and asking if I wasnt a cup of tea! It is a real head f*k, and messes up your whole mind. You almost start to question if it is real. BUT...reading all the replies so far it is slowly dawning on me that actually I'm ok, I'm nice, and I can start again, whereas he will still be left with him.
DivorcedDad...are your kids with you or did your wife get custody?

You can delete individual items from History. I realised this recently. (Makes 'history' pretty useless really as a record of what someone has been doing!) Just right-click an individual record and delete.

There are always cookies though.. he see those, assuming he knows where to look. You can block cookies but this will become obvious because your PC won't remember passwords or anything then

ProfYaffle...thanks for your e mail; I did get it last night. We will come over and see you soon; I am going to need to call in some favours and ask friends to look after stuff for me at some point I think. I have all my equipment at my practice to store, there's about 2k worth of stuff there...do you fancy looking after my couch for me? LOL...it's electric so can give you a nice massage! I would have to close my practice as he would know where to find me but at some point I would need to open up again so I can provide for me and the kids.

Sounds fab - you might not get it back! We've got tons of room, bring what you like.

unwanted...glad to see you are taking steps to address this,,and have got support from ProfYaffle - a true friend...there for you when things are tough! HE is the problem..as you start to realise it and believe it , it will help spur you on to make the changes you need to.......hope it all works out...

Unwanted - I can identify so much with EVERYTHING you said in your 10.25am post!
I felt exactually the same as you! I often felt I was to blame for H's outbursts & I was beginning to hate myself.
I also know exactually what you mean about how it messes with your head when they switch on the nice side & you feel like you must have imagined it all! I am often felt like this - it's like they have two very different personas, & when they are being nice it is hard to believe that they could ever have been so nasty.
It's so so hard & messes with your head so much.
It was through posting on MN that I started to realise that I wasn't to blame for everything & that H's behaviour was far from the norm.
I am glad you are realising that it is not you with the problem, but it is him being a bully.
I am also glad that you have the support of a good friend.
I do understand 100% how hard this is. Feel free to CAT me if you ever want to talk.
Good luck.x

Hi Messyoldmess, I have just read your own thread. It's tragic but also a great help to know that you're not the only one going through this isn't it? And that there are many many women out there suffering the same thing. It's even more helpful when you hear stories from women who have come through the other side.
I mentioned to my Mum that I was thinking of throwing in the towel a few months ago; this was after an hour crying on the phone, telling her what he had done to the kids and how very unhappy I was...and she said 'whaaat? You're not thinking of lowered voice divorcing him? You're NOT are you?' This from a woman who hates him so much that she wouldn't come to our wedding. So when you get reactions like that from family it does make you feel like you're going mad!

I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my partner for 10 years and it has gradually got worse. We are in the process of splitting up and he is moving out. My self esteem is at rock bottom, like you my partner refused me sex and was totally unresposive in bed (but he would look at porn in secret). He was great at the start of the relationship and then slowly he would knock my confidence. It escalated to verbal abuse where he had no limits to what he would call me. I have always been quite shy and the thought of being on my own with the kids scares me but the thought of living like this scares me more. Because he is Mr Nice to everyone else a lot of people blame me for the break up (even some of my own family). Its heartbreaking to realise that you have invested your time and love into someone who cannot return the same affection.

My parents are desperate for me to change my mind re divorcing H, unwanted. Infact I even had my dad threatening to wash his hands of me if I did not stay & make it work.
It is so hard, but I know I cannot continue to live like this.
Only last night my H got me into such a state with his nastiness. He knows exactually what to say to hurt me & is very good at making me feel that I am to blame for everything.
It's horrible to be upset to such an extent by your own husband. My heart goes out to you.x

My parents are the same and my Mum said today "just try not to get into arguments with him" (!) Its hard to explain to someone in a "normal" relationship what its like living with someone whose mood can change like the wind. When my partners nice I think I must have imagined how bad it was but then of course it happens again. It makes me feel better to know i'm not the only one out there feeling like this though.