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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex for 3 years.

151 replies

Unwanted · 30/10/2006 16:10

Hi. I'm a regular poster, but had to change my name for this one. I've been married for 3 and a half years, second marriage. DH hasn't come near me for 3 of those years. Well, I tell a lie, we have had sex (of sorts) 4 times in 3 years, but always after days of almost pleading on my part, and then it was a disaster every time. His response to my requests is 'well you'll have to do all the work then, I can't be bothered'. When we have had sex in the past it is the weirdest I have ever known. he is totally silent...totally totally silent. No facial expressions, no groans or moans or sighs...I have to guess when it's over. His excuses have been 'too tired', 'no contraception', 'kids are awake'...basically anything he can think of. I am not on the pill/coil etc as I will not commit myself to that and then find we are still not having sex, but he refuses to wear a condom.
I have suggested going to relate, but he refuses point blank. he says he will not discuss his life with a nosy b*ch! When I have treid to talk to him he tells me to f*k off, or shut up, or 'you're boring me now'.
I have remained faithful so far, but I am running out of patience. I am 37, so still young enough to start again. But he is a real control freak, and I saw what he did to his first wife when she left him and I don't relish the same treatment. It was all emotional, not physical, but terrifying all the same. I'm not allowed to have photos of my kids on the walls, and when I or the kids talk to anyone on the phone he will make sure that he shouts at either me or the kids so that the person on the other end hears him and, I guess, knows he is in charge.
There is so much more to this story, but I would be here all night if I told you all of it. But the fact that I am putting it all down in 'writing' shows to me that I am at the end of my tether

OP posts:
lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:15

if you got in touch with your brother....and explained...would he not offer you a place to stay or some help>

collision · 30/10/2006 23:15

I am in the North if you ever want a coffee and a chat....Cheshire to be precise.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:16

Collision, I work evenings, although becasue of the situation I have cut it right back to one evening a week at the moment.
Lulumama...I have asked him to leave many many times but he won't.he says if I want out then I must leave. he's not interested in money as much as not letting someone get one over on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:17

My brother isn't in a position to help me out with somewhere to stay; he has 3 kids of his own, and hasn't the space.

OP posts:
dislexicicecream · 30/10/2006 23:19

r u in england?
i know benifits r a big come down in money from what u must be used to but they do cuver what you need, and i have to say thank god for england having them it is because of them that us women who end up in bed with phycos can escape and make a new life bit by bit for our selfs and our kids,
if you get out of there u will be able to get an injuction out on him for u and the kids let them know he has past mental healf isues and tell them how he is, if u do go to a wemons refuge because of his threats u will get alot of extra help with houseing and furnituer and stuff,

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:19

can you contact a womens refuge? or see a solicitor....or go to the CAB,,,,,if my sister needed me, i would take her in regardless of the size of my house or family......it's worth asking....your kids safety is at stake, he needs to know thtat

collision · 30/10/2006 23:20

So, does he work then?

What does he do? Are they concerned about him at work? Is there anyone you could confide in at his place of work?

Things can change if you want them too. You can get a van and put all your stuff into the van and go. You can rent a new house on your own and have some freedom.

You can have a relationship with your brother and the government will help out with benefits and CTC and WTC.

collision · 30/10/2006 23:21

and you can contact a local college for someone to look after the kids once a week.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:23

Dislexic...yes I am in the UK and to be honest it wouldn't be a come down in money much at all, as most of my income from my business goes on stuff he can't pay because he is in so much debt. It's not the money that worries me as I know that benefits are there, and anyway my family wouldn't see us starving, but it's the actual having somewhere to live that worries me. I will look into womens refuges tomorrow and see if I can contact them.

OP posts:
lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:25

there will be help there...and you and your children deserve it.....however bad things are when you leave...tehy will get better..whereas if you stay,will only get worse.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:25

Collision...there's no way I would be able to afford to rent on my own, not with the deposits they ask for a house. He has got us into so much debt, and bills etc keep on being unpaid by his bank as he doesn't have the money to pay them.

OP posts:
collision · 30/10/2006 23:27

Dont be a defeatist!!

Have you looked into it? Even a 2 bedroomed flat for the time being?

Anything has to be better than this.

Maybe start keeping a diary of the things he does so you can go to the police if there is trouble.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:28

He does work. he has been in this job since about Feb this year. previous to that he was in the forces and I tried to get their help but they wouldn't medicate him or anything, said it was a 'clash of personalities' even when i told them that he had tried to commit suicide again. I don't know any of his work mates so I can't ask them for help. I did get on well with his ex forces colleagues, but he also forbade me from having contact with any of them once he left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:29

LOL collision. I'm not a defeatist, but to move into a flat would cost about £600 per month to rent, plus the same in deposit, and then moving expenses etc...I just don't have it.

OP posts:
Twohootsandapumpkin · 30/10/2006 23:30

You should get in touch with your brother. Tell him you need help. Get in touch with women's refuge - get somewhere sorted to live, then ask your brother to come when your DH is out (hire a van) and load it up with your stuff.

You need to be a bit underhanded about it I think (I know it's not nice BUT he's not nice and your situation is not nice...). You need to start finding out/making plans asap but behind his back and get away as soon as you can. I don't think you should let him know at all as he sounds v unstable and it could be dangerous.

Do a moonlight flit as soon as you have everything in place. CAB may also be able to help.

Please start ringing around/looking into help organisations online etc.

collision · 30/10/2006 23:31

Am going to sleep on it and post tomorrow.

Hope you are OK 'somewhere in the UK!!'

dislexicicecream · 30/10/2006 23:31

ok i dont know what area u r in but womens refuges r normaly in a safe house, so to find out about them can be tricky, but try c.a.b. they might be able to get u in tuch but the local police station will definetly be able to get u a number for them. also if u do ask the police and explaine why u need to contact wemons refuge they shuld make a note of what u r sying and that might come in very usefull in the futuere if he is as vindictive as u said about not letting some one get one over on him.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:31

The thing with emotionally abusive men is that they gradually cut you off from every avenue of help. They do it slowly and slyly, until you are dependant on them totally.I can't even get a loan as I am self employed and don;t have 2 years of accounts to show.

OP posts:
Twohootsandapumpkin · 30/10/2006 23:32

Is it such a bad thing if your children need to share a bedroom for a short while until you get sorted out? Tbh it wouldn't be for me if it meant we were safe.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:33

Twohoots...not at all. I would be happy to have them all sleep with me in a one room flat if needs be but it's not that easy when you have no money behind you.

OP posts:
lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:34

i urge you to see someone tomorrow if possible, at the CAB

they will help you and tell you where to go....help is there...we are not experts though..they are....

we are concerned for you & your kids...but you need to seek proper, trained help..

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:35

Ok, time for me to go to bed too. Night all, and thanks for your help so far, although I feel I'll be needing it a lot more yet!

OP posts:
collision · 30/10/2006 23:36

OK....last post tonight.

You have GOT TO GET TOUGH!!

At least you realise he is cutting you off from help.

  1. Phone your brother and tell him the truth.
  2. Ask someone for help at work...even if you could give them some money to keep safe for you whilst you make a plan.
  3. Think about friends you have lost contact with because of him and see if you can phone them.
  4. Thank your lucky stars he doesnt want to have sex!!!!! (there are so many stories like this where they do want sex to exert power over the woman.....at least you dont have that!!)

(I know it sounds flippant....just trying to make you laugh!!)

  1. Contact CAB tomorrow.
  2. Phone the bank and see if they will help at all.
dislexicicecream · 30/10/2006 23:37

do u know if u rent a place privetly the benifits agentcy will pay the deposit for u and housing benifit, but cos u have a buissness it might make problems with the houseing benifit,
i got away and left my stuff behind and i can honstly say i never looked back, the stuff i did manege to take ended up in the bin cos it held memorys,

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:42

good night......