Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex for 3 years.

151 replies

Unwanted · 30/10/2006 16:10

Hi. I'm a regular poster, but had to change my name for this one. I've been married for 3 and a half years, second marriage. DH hasn't come near me for 3 of those years. Well, I tell a lie, we have had sex (of sorts) 4 times in 3 years, but always after days of almost pleading on my part, and then it was a disaster every time. His response to my requests is 'well you'll have to do all the work then, I can't be bothered'. When we have had sex in the past it is the weirdest I have ever known. he is totally silent...totally totally silent. No facial expressions, no groans or moans or sighs...I have to guess when it's over. His excuses have been 'too tired', 'no contraception', 'kids are awake'...basically anything he can think of. I am not on the pill/coil etc as I will not commit myself to that and then find we are still not having sex, but he refuses to wear a condom.
I have suggested going to relate, but he refuses point blank. he says he will not discuss his life with a nosy b*ch! When I have treid to talk to him he tells me to f*k off, or shut up, or 'you're boring me now'.
I have remained faithful so far, but I am running out of patience. I am 37, so still young enough to start again. But he is a real control freak, and I saw what he did to his first wife when she left him and I don't relish the same treatment. It was all emotional, not physical, but terrifying all the same. I'm not allowed to have photos of my kids on the walls, and when I or the kids talk to anyone on the phone he will make sure that he shouts at either me or the kids so that the person on the other end hears him and, I guess, knows he is in charge.
There is so much more to this story, but I would be here all night if I told you all of it. But the fact that I am putting it all down in 'writing' shows to me that I am at the end of my tether

OP posts:
Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 22:48

He had a total breakdown a few years ago. Tried to commit suicide and was in a mental hospital for 4 months. This all happened before we met. he managed to convince them that he was fine and they let him out, but he stopped his medication. he was told that if he didn't go voluntarily he would be sectioned as he was considered a danger to himself and others. This happened after a girlfriend left him, and he vowed then that he would track her down one day and get his revenge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 22:49

Piffle...make things happen how?

OP posts:
Whoowhoobewhooooooh · 30/10/2006 22:50

Unwanted - I imagine that if he has a history of sever mental illness and has been sectioned it's very inlikely he'd get custody of your baby.

lulumama · 30/10/2006 22:51

he is a danger to you, the kids and himself.......especially if he is not medicated or fully treated....a lot of people have breakdowns...his behaviour is indicative of something very nasty and dangerous...maybe because he is mentally ill...but that does not mean you must stay with him

he is ruling you and the family with fear

collision · 30/10/2006 22:55

i am not usually one to say 'Leave him and take the kids' but your story sounds horrendous.

There must be something you can do.

You say you have your own business. Can you syphon off some money so you would have funds if you did manage to escape.

I would also get in touch with your brother and say that you are sorry and that you need help and that he was right about your H.

There is no way he would get custody of the child. He sounds like a madman and unpredictable.

No sex seems like the least of your problems.

I am so sad for you and hope we can help you in some way.

What area do you live in?

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 22:56

Whoowhoo......I don't mean he'd get custody. I fear he would just take her, disappear with her. God, he can't look after himslef, let alone be awarded custody of a ababy but he will go to any lengths to hurt anyone who has 'wronged him'.

OP posts:
Twohootsandapumpkin · 30/10/2006 22:58

Oh dear it gets worse Tbh I was going to ask earlier if he had a mental illness prob as it seems it.

I really think you need to get out for the sake of yourself and your children. I'm guessing you meant he may snatch your baby (rather than apply for custody which he clearly would not get).

Can your family help? Tbh I think it's prob a bit late for counselling (although I suggested this earlier). You all need to leave and then maybe you will need counselling to help build yourself back up - this must be terribly draining and terrifying for you

Please get in touch with a friend/relative and see if you can stay with them for a while? Is there no chance you can leave the children with a friend while you sort something out re your business?

This is just awful to read I am so, so sorry for you. Knowing where to turn must be awful. Where are you btw? You don't have to say if you don't want to. Maybe someone on MN could help you out with somewhere to stay for a while - I sure would if you're near me

lulumama · 30/10/2006 22:59

do you know what his diagnosis was> and what he was on...can you get him sectioned now>

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 22:59

My business is still in it's infancy, so there is no money to siphon off. And my family live 150 miles away so not an easy option either, and I don't want to move back home as my business etc is here and there's no way I could afford to start all over again somewhere else.

OP posts:
lulumama · 30/10/2006 22:59

that sounds a bit harsh i know,,,but he sounds dangerous and unpredicatbale

collision · 30/10/2006 23:00

What do you think you want to do?

dislexicicecream · 30/10/2006 23:02

sounds like he is a nassisist
(sorry for the spelling)
u r not an animmal u shuld no be made to feel like one or to feel like u can not escape for fear,
please do something about this could you ask your perrents for help? or maybe your brother that he dose not want you to talk to,or even a wemons refuge? wood your stand by and let your child go through a relationship like this?
you shuldnt be living in fear or constant worry of him, it might seem easyer not to make a brake for it and to stay where u r as they say "better the devil you know" but please get out of there,he is be littleing u and eating away at your confordence by the sounds of it, u r a hummon with feelings and so are your kids, if he is scaring you and chipping away at you and who you are then who will be there for your children?
i know its hard to get out of a situation like this i have done it , and i know other wemon who have and belive me making the step to get away seems scary but when u get going u will find it alot easyer if u feel theres no love left just fear and stress why stay?

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:02

I don't know what his diagnosis was, or what medication he was on. I'm lucky I got this much info out of him as he won't discuss it. He's not outwardly displaying any signs of illness to anyone else, so he wouldn't be sectioned, no.

OP posts:
lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:04

very difficult

i am sure your family could help

\and re the business..if you work from home can you not take it with you as it were

and would it not be better to be skint and struggling but away from this monster>

collision · 30/10/2006 23:04

It is a very sad situation to be in because I cant see a way out of it.

do you think you would have the courage to phone your brother and make peace?

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:08

There is no love left.
I cannot stay with my Mum; she is quite elderly (and also a control freak) and there just isn't the room for all of us.
What do I want to happen? I want out of the marriage, so me and the kids can learn to be free and be ourselves. But almost everything in this house is mine so if I leave I will have nothing. I know that's not the important thing, but in practical terms we need furniture, washing machine etc...he is also in debt quite heavily.

OP posts:
Twohootsandapumpkin · 30/10/2006 23:08

I agree with LM tbh. It is awful for you but I think you need to leave this life behind - business, the lot - and start again for all your sakes.

I'll say again, not sure where you are but you would be welcome to stay with us for a while I'm in Lincoln.

You will build your life up again - you've done it once, you can do it again. I know you'll have no money but it's got to be better than now - at least you'll have your freedom.

Please call your brother and make peace - can he not help/put you all up? 150 miles wouldn't stop me tbh.

You situation seems dangerous - that is worrying for both you and your kids. Please get out

lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:10

is there any way you can make him leave....buy him out?
whos name is the house in>

collision · 30/10/2006 23:11

I think you need to see a solicitor and see what you can do. If the house and contents are yours then surely you can kick him out and tell the solicitor you are actually scared of him and his unpredictability.

Have no exp of this but you might be able to take an injunction out against him.

Also, why not advertise for someone to help babysit the children. A college student would be ideal for sleeping over.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:12

lulumama..I don't work from home, I have an office in the town. The work I do couldn't be done from home. It would absolutely be better to be skint and struggling than to be in this situation, but I have seen the havoc he has wreaked on his first wife and I'm not sure I can cope with it if I leave. Unless someone has been living with a control freak, it's very hard to understand how they can put up with it, I know. And if someone else were writing this I would be outraged and shouting 'get out you silly cow' but it's just not that easy with 3 kids and no money.

OP posts:
Twohootsandapumpkin · 30/10/2006 23:13

You need to get help - see someone like the posts earlier suggested. There are organisations that can help women in your position. They may be able to help either get you away to somewhere safe (with furniture ) or somehow help you to get rid of your H.

Tbh though I still think you need to start again. By the sounds of it staying where you are is not a good option - he will just hound you which could be v dangerous.

Getting away and starting again in a new location would be a better bet - albeit a BIG step.

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:13

lulumama...it's not our house, it's rented and in both names.

OP posts:
lulumama · 30/10/2006 23:13

sorry,,,,must have got myself confused

i absolutely hear what you are saying...the hold he has over you with the fear of what he can do is atrocious

is there no way to make him leave? is he interested in money>

collision · 30/10/2006 23:14

Do you work nights?

Original poster
Unwanted · 30/10/2006 23:14

Twohoots...I'm not in Lincoln or anywhere near but thanks for that kind offer

I have to say I am gaining strength from your comments so thankyou all so far

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread