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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex for 3 years.

151 replies

Unwanted · 30/10/2006 16:10

Hi. I'm a regular poster, but had to change my name for this one. I've been married for 3 and a half years, second marriage. DH hasn't come near me for 3 of those years. Well, I tell a lie, we have had sex (of sorts) 4 times in 3 years, but always after days of almost pleading on my part, and then it was a disaster every time. His response to my requests is 'well you'll have to do all the work then, I can't be bothered'. When we have had sex in the past it is the weirdest I have ever known. he is totally silent...totally totally silent. No facial expressions, no groans or moans or sighs...I have to guess when it's over. His excuses have been 'too tired', 'no contraception', 'kids are awake'...basically anything he can think of. I am not on the pill/coil etc as I will not commit myself to that and then find we are still not having sex, but he refuses to wear a condom.
I have suggested going to relate, but he refuses point blank. he says he will not discuss his life with a nosy b*ch! When I have treid to talk to him he tells me to f*k off, or shut up, or 'you're boring me now'.
I have remained faithful so far, but I am running out of patience. I am 37, so still young enough to start again. But he is a real control freak, and I saw what he did to his first wife when she left him and I don't relish the same treatment. It was all emotional, not physical, but terrifying all the same. I'm not allowed to have photos of my kids on the walls, and when I or the kids talk to anyone on the phone he will make sure that he shouts at either me or the kids so that the person on the other end hears him and, I guess, knows he is in charge.
There is so much more to this story, but I would be here all night if I told you all of it. But the fact that I am putting it all down in 'writing' shows to me that I am at the end of my tether

OP posts:
Original poster
Unwanted · 03/11/2006 07:57

Another humdinger of a row last night, after he screamed at my son to 'get out of my way' just for sitting on the floor in his path! I asked why he felt the need to talk to people like st and it all escalated. He is setting up his own business and blames that (he's been like it since we got married so that's bull), and I asked him did he not realise how close he was to losing his family? He said yes, but if that's the price he has to pay for getting his business up and running then so be it. The problem is his business could potentially bring in a very very good income, and he thinks that that's enough to keep us there. He can't conceive that we would leave and not be bothered about the money.
I asked him again to sit and talk last night, but he wouldn't even take his eyes off the telly. he will not take the blame for anything. I asked him was he not interested in trying to save the marriage and he said 'no...I really can't be bothered' and told me to get a divorce and that there was nothing stopping us still living in the house as normal while it goes through. It would be hell on earth.

OP posts:
clazzer · 03/11/2006 09:05

hi my heart goes out to you. I have a friend who went through something similar with her ex a couple of years ago. In the end he threatened to take her baby out of the country for good and she went into a refuge. 3 years later she is divorced, working part time ,living in her own home and most importantly FREE! If you go into a refuge they organise all your benefits and arrange couselling for you. From what you say what he is doing to you is abuse. If he was hitting you do you think your family would expect you to stay then? In my book emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad if not worse. It sounds like you have done everything in your power to sort things out. Now its time to do whats best for you and the children. Good Luck

Tinkerboo · 03/11/2006 09:27

Take what he says as permisson to go. As you don't own the house, don't feel tied to staying in it. Plan your move, carefully, do you want to disappear quickly and quietly one day to a refuge, or can you get some money together over time get a deposit on a small place, get a van, and go one day while he's at work? Decide your course of action and plan. Take control. Stop trying to discuss it with him, it sounds like a dead horse. Once you take control you'll feel better and more empowered. You'll be a decisive women doing the right thing for your children.

Sounds to me like you've still not really made the decision. You're still trying to work it out with him. Are you going to work it out? Or do you want to go?

Judy1234 · 03/11/2006 09:52

It's quite clear he doesn't want to save anything. Best revenge would be you leave and then earn 6 times what he does in his new business (but only after you're financially free of him so he can't claim it!).

ProfYaffle · 03/11/2006 10:57

I agree with what everyone else has already said, I also think you seem ready to go.

If there's anything practical dh and I can do to help with the move just give me a call.

Original poster
Unwanted · 03/11/2006 22:05

Hi. There's nothing that I want to stay in the marriage for, no. But it's hard to let go of a marriage, and I've been through one divorce and compared to him, my ex was a saint! That was hard enough so I'm just so not wanting to go there again in a hurry. I know the snowball effect that's going to happen.
If he would change then yes; I would be willing to give it a go and see if we can rebuild it, but he just will not talk. To be honest I want to smack his bloody face in with frustration when i tell him we are at the end of the road and he just says 'oh well. So be it'.
So, yes my mind is made up, but it's just taking the plunge isn't it? We have his parents coming up tomorrow for the weekend so that'll be nice! Not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unwanted · 03/11/2006 22:07

And thanks Prof...I'm not ignoring you but like I said I'm not so sure he isn't checking my e mail activity.
For a while there he had ME on parental control so I had to ask his permission before logging on and if i added anyone to my contact list I had to e mail him and ask for him to approve it!!!!!!

OP posts:
lulumama · 03/11/2006 22:08

hi unwanted....sounds like you are really gettin the strentgh togehter to make a bid for freedom and he has virtuallly told you to do it.....hope you get there..... and ((hugs))

Judy1234 · 04/11/2006 07:44

I'm trying to remember what tipped the balance for me to take the decision. Part was realising just how much worse he was than the norm and part was the older children saying it had got too much and could I get rid of him and mostly it was because he just became completely unbearable. In other words it was just about tolerable and then not.

If his parents are coming why don't you go away for the weekend and leave him with the children as you are at the end of the road or say to them there are marital problems and you will not be spending time with them this weekend.

ProfYaffle · 04/11/2006 08:25

about your e-mail! Hope your weekend's OK

Tinkerboo · 04/11/2006 10:43

Maybe he doesn't believe you'll ever go or do anything drastic, and that position gives him all the power. You need to take some power back make him take notice. Maybe telling his parents there are marriage problems and therefore you won't be around this weekend would be a way of doing that?
You may eventually have to face the inevitable of another divorce though, but if this happens remember you tried to make it work, you'll STILL trying. But you can't make it work on your own.
First though TAKE BACK SOME POWER. It sounds like he's totally eroded yoyr ability to do that. Permision to email?? Listen to how that sounds. Get angry take action, see how he responds.
Thoughts are with you, sending you 'Go Girl' type thoughts. Be open to receiving them.

Original poster
Unwanted · 06/11/2006 07:46

Hi. I couldn't go away and leave the kids with him and his parents for the weekend...my older 2 wouldn't have stood a chance! There was more of his nasty behaviour; my daughter baked a parkin cake especially for bonfire night, and he said he was going to get a packet mix as hers was burnt (it wasn't). He constantly griped at her, and had her in tears. The weekend itself was fairly uneventful as he attempted to make his mother think he was Mr wonderful Dad but last night he was off again. He wanted me to write an article for his business venture, and I said I would but I haven't got around to it, and he keeps 'telling' me to do it, not asking and the fact is I have no inclination at all to do something that he tells me to do and it may be all consuming to him but it's far from the first thing on my mind at the moment. He made snide comments about 'bet you have had time to write plenty on bloody mumsnet though'.
But it just won't sink in that I want a divorce; his mother was on about us all going on holiday next November!!!!!! A year from now? I'd be in my grave if I have to stay here another year!

OP posts:
Tinkerboo · 06/11/2006 15:52

So what's your plan? We can give advice till kingdom come but we can't change anything. Start to formulate your plan. Remember take backe some power. It's up to you to do smthing.
(All this meant in a positive motivational kind of way, and not bossy and impatient if that's how it sounds.)
Tell us though, what now?

Judy1234 · 06/11/2006 16:06

You have to take action. The first thing I did was a secret meeting with a lawyer to find out if I would risk losing my children. Then I reached a decision 6 months later and found a time to tell him and then he got my solicitor's letter. Then it sunk in.

ProfYaffle · 06/11/2006 16:46

Poor dd, it's the last thing she needs after what she's been through recently. Hope you're busy hatching your plan.

btw, don't forget I can meet you where you work (don't want to name the place on here) if you need anything.

noddyholder · 06/11/2006 16:57

Get your kids out of there as soon as you can Let ecerything else including your business take second place to them He is crushing their spirits and they will be nervous wrecks if you stay They are at an age where you can still give them a lovely life and repairsome of the damage he has done to them.This is so sad for you and I understand that after a 2nd marriage you fell defeated but it is his problem so leave him and live.Life is too short please think about just going Hard but possible xx

Tinkerboo · 08/11/2006 14:24

Unwanted, you around? you OK?
Have we been too bullying with our advice?
Maybe your not ready to take actio yet and instead just need to air your frutrations....

expatinscotland · 08/11/2006 14:27

I agree w/noddy. This isn't about sex, it's about emotional and mental abuse.

messyoldmess · 08/11/2006 14:41

Hope you are ok, Unwanted.
I can empathise with a lot of what you are going through & know how hard this is.
Thinking of you.x

Original poster
Unwanted · 08/11/2006 21:35

Hi all and no...you haven't been bullying at all If I was in your position I'd be metaphorically shaking me by the shoulders too! I've just been busy and all the time he is home he is on the computer so I don't get much of a chance to post.
I am going to make a move, but it's not something I can do overnight; there is too much to consider. Don't worry, I'm not going soft and there is no way I want to spend any longer than I have to in this marriage, but I have to be a bit calculating and devious.
I'll keep you updated though, and thanks everyone.

OP posts:
maryhada · 08/11/2006 21:45

Unwanted, I've just read your post and feel so sad for you. You could talk to your health visitor you know. It might be helpful for you to talk it through with her, especially as you sound fearful regarding the safety of your youngest child if you were to try to leave. Where there is domestic abuse (and this includes emotional abuse which you have been describing) they can help you to get rehoused. The housing departments are very sympathetic to women in your situation.

messyoldmess · 08/11/2006 21:48

Nobody thinks you need shaking, Unwanted. Having to make tough decisions about your marriage (however unhealthy your relationship may be) is horribly hard.
I have a escape pack that my HV gave me, which has various contacts in it. I can send it to you if you think it would be of any help.
Hope things stay calm for now. Take care.x

messyoldmess · 08/11/2006 21:50

Yes, please do speak to your HV if you can. My HV has been such an enormous support to me.

maryhada · 08/11/2006 21:56

Thanks mom for confirming this. I should probably admit that I have been a HV and have known so many women in difficult situations like yourself who feel that they have no way out. Sometimes things are so bad that you have to end a relationship. You need to talk it through carefully and look at your options with someone who is able to give you the help that you need.

messyoldmess · 08/11/2006 22:22

My HV has been an amazing support & is continuing to support me now.
She has paid me regular visits, organised counselling, found out about a support group & even came along to some of the sessions with me!
She has been a star!