No sex for 3 years.

[Unwanted]

Hi. I'm a regular poster, but had to change my name for this one. I've been married for 3 and a half years, second marriage. DH hasn't come near me for 3 of those years. Well, I tell a lie, we have had sex (of sorts) 4 times in 3 years, but always after days of almost pleading on my part, and then it was a disaster every time. His response to my requests is 'well you'll have to do all the work then, I can't be bothered'. When we have had sex in the past it is the weirdest I have ever known. he is totally silent...totally totally silent. No facial expressions, no groans or moans or sighs...I have to guess when it's over. His excuses have been 'too tired', 'no contraception', 'kids are awake'...basically anything he can think of. I am not on the pill/coil etc as I will not commit myself to that and then find we are still not having sex, but he refuses to wear a condom.
I have suggested going to relate, but he refuses point blank. he says he will not discuss his life with a nosy b*ch! When I have treid to talk to him he tells me to f*k off, or shut up, or 'you're boring me now'.
I have remained faithful so far, but I am running out of patience. I am 37, so still young enough to start again. But he is a real control freak, and I saw what he did to his first wife when she left him and I don't relish the same treatment. It was all emotional, not physical, but terrifying all the same. I'm not allowed to have photos of my kids on the walls, and when I or the kids talk to anyone on the phone he will make sure that he shouts at either me or the kids so that the person on the other end hears him and, I guess, knows he is in charge.
There is so much more to this story, but I would be here all night if I told you all of it. But the fact that I am putting it all down in 'writing' shows to me that I am at the end of my tether

Unwanted - have e-mailed you. Given what you said about your e-mail i've kept it all innocuous, I'm not ignoring what you've said on MN but thought it best to give it a wide berth iyswim.

Hi all. Well this is where things stand now. Things came to a head over the last few days and we are now separated; although still living under the same roof. This isn't a massive problem logistically as he sleeps downstairs anyway, and has done for the last 2 years. It all kicked off because he smacked the baby, who is 2. She was doing something wrong; in fact she was hitting my son. He won't hit her back, so he was telling her off when HE shouted at her to stop. He shouts very very loudly, and scares me so how it must make a toddler feel...anyway she carried on so he got up from the computer, yanked her into the middle of the room by the arm, and hit her on the bum. It was bloody hard because I heard the thwak from the kitchen. I don't hold with little ones being hit, and he knows it, so we had a row about how could he teach her not to hit by hitting her himself? Anyway, it all escalated. I gave him time to cool down, and when he came home from work yesterday I tried to get him to talk. yes, I know I've tried that before,but I am the sort of person who needs to know that something is dead in the water before I give up on it IYKWIM. he wouldn't talk, turned over on the settee and went to sleep. He woke up later, and I tried again; he said he wouldn't talk with the kids ;sticking their noses in' so I aksed them to go upstairs for a while, which they did. Then he said he would talk later, why should he do it now just cos I asked him to (it's like a bloody playground bicker)but I asked him then to answer me something. Did he love me? he said no. I asked had he ever loved me? he said no. I said what about the children. He said no, so I asked him what about the baby (who is his) and he said....no, that he doesn't love any of us and doesn't know why he married me!Now, I can understand someone saying that about their partner in anger, but about their own baby????? I can't forgive that. He said he wants no further conversations with me (this is because I told him I want a divorce)and we are to lead separate lives. This does mean that I have to pack in my business as I can't ask anyone to babysit while he is in the house as he would make it unbearable, and I can't send them to anyone's house as I work til 10pm. But...to be honest...I can't concentrate on work at the moment anyway and I can always start again.
He is putting it all on me which really messes with my head. But then I think back to the things he has done; one night my daughter ran away from home while I was at work. It was night time, we live in a village with no street lights, and surrounded by fields. When he realised what she had done...he sent my 9 year old son out to look for her!!!! She ran away becuase as soon as I left the house he started screaming at her, and apparently manhandled her down the stairs.
So now I have the nightmarish situation where I have to live with him, but we don't speak, and I don't cook, or clean, or wash or anything for him. I hate atmospheres, I really do.

I should add that he spent time in a psychiatric hospital a few years ago (before he met me) after a serious suicide attempt. This was because his girlfriend at the time packed her bags and cleared out the flat they had together.
There have been several threats of suicide since we have been together; one was our first night together after we married. He threatened to jump off the hotel balcony.

are you ok money wise unwanted? are you reliant on him for support? is there no way you can move out now? it must have been a huge wrench leaving your business.

don't let his suicide threats get to you. it's nothing at all to do with you. i stayed with someone a long time who kept saying he'd kill himself if i left. he had severe depression. i just clicked one day that if i left and he did kill himself it was all about him, nothing to do with me at all.

glad things are getting better for you.

Totally reliant on him money wise unfortunately. At the moment I am only working enough to pay the rent on my office as I don't trust him with the kids, so there's no extra coming in. The only income I would have would be maintenance for my older 2 children from my first husband, and child benefit.

I live in temporary homeless accomodation, I always post this on these threads, i am homeless for different reasons. So I told the local council when I was going to be evicted and on that day they found us temporary accomodation. It is a 3 bedroom maisonette, with front and back garden fairly big rooms and a decent kitchen and I only have dh and ds with me. there is a fridge freezer pots pans cutlery etc , sofa chairs bookcases wardrobes, beds and bedding (although am using my own bedding), everything you basically need. My dad stored our stuff, but if we had wanted you pack all your stuff and tell your housing officer and they arrange for it to be taken and stored for you for a little bit of money a month which you can pay after wards or gradually, and when they find you a permanaent house, you get all your stuuff back. my housing officer waited for many weeks and would not take any rent from me untill the housing benefit was paying most of it, so I needed no money. you are in an abusive relationship you can tell them your situation and through the council who will have a worker for women who need to escape bad situations they will house you. Even if the relationship is finished and there in no abuse , you would have to be housed if the realtionship is over. So you CAN leave 'with nothing' even if your local council is more oversubscribed and has different rules they will have to house you somewhere in your local region untill you get a permanent council house or rent privately if you have an income. it would not be forever, once you were sorted you could build up your business again and have a future, also you could get a childminder or arrange someone to look after the kids. It is not impossible. phone you council adn ask for the homeless section, but i would mnetion what he does to your kids and you and his history, its the truth and they will have to help you. temp accomodation is not the end of the world...and HE won't be there, imagine it what it would be like if you could make him disappear...well you can, move out.

when you sign for the temp house they tell you all the forms you will need and what benefits to claim and will help with your housing benefit claim, or befor ethat day you can go and pcik up all the forms you need and when you get your temporary address you can apply, it is not forever, so then you would have an income, so income=benefits (not forever but untill you get sorted) House=temporary familly homeless accomodation. sorted nasty dh= out of the picture. Happy kids, calmer baby and you get your life back, anyone in her area know more about who to contact?

you do not have to rely on him for any of this

bump. If you need any legal advice, email me at zobolostos.co.uk or for a local solicitor, www.resolution.org.uk is the national register of divorce/family specialists.

My god, I've only read the first few pages so to speak but how the hell did you think it was a good idea getting involved with someone like that? I can see it is probably out of his control how he reacts to things but its not as though he kept all this from you at the start, you've said you knew what he was like, that he had a breakdown and was commited after splitting up with someone and has vowed to seek revenge on them, at that point you should have ran like the bloody wind. I know a fair few people, from my ex's side of the family who are mentally ill, manic depressives to be exact and they are such hard work to live with, it must take all your strength to get through everyday,like I said, alot of it is probably out of his control but you had a choice to get involved and I dont understand how you didnt forsee this happening. I mean a guy who says he will seek revenge on an ex somehow would quite frankly scare the crap out of me. what happens if you become an ex? That must terrify you. I dont have any advice as such but just wanted to say I hope to god it doesnt turn nasty for you and your children.

Suicide threats? My god, I've had them from two ex's and I just said, well do it if thats what you wanna do but dont think I'm taking responsibility for it, my ex's used to use that to get to me cos my dad killed himself when I was 10, so they expected me to probably beg them not to but I just told them to go right ahead. Dont let threats keep you there.

Hi. Yes I did know some of it, although not the extent of it and I admired him for his honesty. I figured if he had anything to hide he wouldn't have told me. He told me that he had seen his treatment through, and was 'cured'. His behaviour didn't even hint at what was to come until we were married; he literally changed overnight. I mean literally.
If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him. But within weeks of marrying him I had sold my house, left my job and moved abroad with him so I had nothing. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I also have a controlling depressive mother, and I think in many ways that 'grooms' you for marrying the same kind...with a Mum like that you are conditioned almost to put up with the that most people would walk away from. I'm not making excuses, and I can see how wrong it all is, and I am taking steps to rectify it.

unwanted please don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone on here, you sound very brave for trying to understand and deal with all this, I admire you for this.

good luck resolving these difficult isses

ssd x x x

Yeh I understand what you are saying, but surely it must have rang huge alarm bells when he said about seeking revenge, I mean that type of comment is reflective of him as a person not of his illness. Dont think I am judging you, I am so not like that, if you knew how my life has been you'd know that, I was just curious as to what made you put that bit of info aside and still agree to marry the guy, I am not having a go in anyway or trying to get you to justify your decision. I hope it works out for you.

What made me put it aside? Love I guess.

Now, I'm not having a go but for me I would have thought is this guy the right kind of guy to have around my children, what with him being unstable. Like you said hindsight is a wonderful thing, I understand that, but surely you must be kicking yourself now. I really feel for you, dont get me wrong, but when I had a 3 yr old daughter and I became pregnant with my son, I was with a man who wasnt my daughters dad and he was far too strict with her so I made a decision when I was 8 weeks pregnant with his son that even though I loved him it wasnt fair to carry on with him knowing my daughter was scared of him so I left him. I just think you made the wrong decision at the start, which I'm sure you are aware of, and I know thats in the past now but it looks like its going to come back to haunt you. I hope it doesnt.

Not sure why you feel the need to say these things happyatlast. As you said we all make mistakes and I don't think unwanted needs hers spelling out to her!

I hope you get things sorted out unwanted and are happy soon.

I'm just trying to get my head round it, thats all, but fair play, I realise it sounds like I'm having a go, not everyone would do what I do and I accept that and as I've said I really hope she sorts it all out.

Update: well, last night it kicked off again. Nothing had really changed since my last postings; I got in touch with the council who said all they can do is put us up in a homeless shelter...NOT an option with 3 children just before Christmas. Anyway, it all went off last night, I wasn't feeling too well, and had just got up to go to the loo. As soon as I left the room he started on the kids, telling themt o go to bed when I had already told them they could stay up to watch something on telly. DD1 said no...Mum said we can stay up and that was it. Screaming, shouting, name calling...I came back in to find out what was going on and he launched into a vile attack on my DD, saying that she was the cause of all the problems in our marriage (she's not), and really yelling at her, in her face. He looked like he was going to go for her, ecause she kept telling him to stop swearing at her and shouting at her, and I just flipped...I really did. Almost 4 years of abuse spilled over, and I belted him in the face, quite a few times actually. He ten reissued his threat that I would never see the baby again, so I called the police.
Ok...deep breath...they came out and were brilliant. He tried to talk his way out of it but they kept telling him that abusing a child is not acceptable no matter what's going on. I told them about his history of mental illness, they talked and decided to 'advise' him to leave. He siad if he left he would go back up North and the marriage would be over, tio which they replied so be it...told him to pack his things and leave. So he did!!!!!
I didn't slepp a wink last night, have been up and down to the loo with dodgy 'what have I done' stomach pains, I have no idea how I'm going to manage financially...but at least we will not have the shadow of his moods over us. I AM concerned about his threats to take the baby though, and won't leave her out of my sight just in case. I will try and see a solicitor on Monday, and I'm hoping that I can insist on supervised access only to the little one, as I don't trust him with her alone. With his history of psychiatric illness, and his ongoing therats of suicide, do you think I stnad a good chance?
Anyway, thought I'd update you.

It sounds like you are better off without him - I know it will be hard financially but you and the children will be happier without him around. Try to get advice on Monday about what benefits you are entitled to... lots of women manage on benefits so it is possible to do

I have only just seen this thread and have read it from top to bottom and just wanted to say that you are a wonderful mum and you can do this.

Your sanity is so much more important than the money you are now on your way to recovery and freedom.

Are you ok for chirstmas presents for your dc, I know there has been the christmas present thread going on and there are other organisations that can help (The Salvation Army for one)

don't know where abouts you are but seems that at least one person on here knows who you are. Keep posting and remember your life starts here. [hugs]

Hi
I did explain to the kids that there won't be as many pressies under the tree this year, and know what they said? 'We don't care if we don't get anything Mum as long as it's just the 4 of us'!
I will be able to get them their main pressies, but I love getting loads of little things for them to open as well, which I won't be able to do now. But it will be nice for them to be able to be free on Christmas day without worrying about setting him off. He spoilt Christmas 2 years ago when my Mum was here...refused to eat at the table with us, moaned and generally made her feel like she was in the way.
I've had to cancel my work commitments for today which is really letting my clients down, but even if he hadn't gone I would have done it anyway. He has completely ruined my business by threatening to not be here to 'look after' the kids, or by being abusive when he si here with them. I am supposed to give 3 months notice on my office, but I can't afford to pay the rent on it for 3 months so I have to go and appeal to the owner's better nature and see if she will let me off. I can still work from there, by renting a room by the hour or evening, and I have someone who will babysit every now and then.
For now though, I really need to take a step back, find out what benefits I am entitled to, and just concentrate on healong really...both me and the children.

Puts all my small problems into perspective it really does, what you have been through is terrible but for the sake of your children i think you have taught them a valuable lesson as to what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and they sound like lovely bright kids. Don't underestimate them, they really truly don't care about presents as much as they care about you and your happiness.

Seek legal help and don't let your guard down as he does have a history of mental illness and the threats towards taking your daughter worries me although hopefully they are empty threats. Can you move away somewhere completely new?? Not just for the sake of the kids but just so he doesn't know where you are for a while. Normally I'd saythefather should play a role in their childs life but in this case i'm not so sure...

Good luck x

Unwanted

A long big hug to you. You say you are a regular poster so you know that we MNers are always here for you and you are never never unwanted.

ah...I'm rubbish with long threads and have just updated myself.....

Well done, you did not need to be in such a toxic relationship. Your children seem wonderfully pragmatic about the new situation.

How are you feeling now? You as OK as can be expected?

As you say, you need some thime to heal etc. I offer another huge hug and wish you and your DKs all the best for now, Xmas and the future.
xx

Hi Unwanted, I have just read your thread through and want to give you a big hug for finding the strength to get rid of such a scary man. You know you have protected yourself and your children and although the road ahead must seem endless i bet you also feel a huge sense of relief and so must your children. I really wish you all the best. Keep posting. x.