HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

fontanella I know exactly how you feel. My DH has had the DCs this weekend and for next week and I hate being in the house on my own. I try to stay positive and do stuff but I just wake every morning with crushing sadness and an ache in my chest. I just have no get-up-and-go and just sit around idling away the time. I just miss family life.

I ran off to my brothers this weekend as I couldn't bear to be at home. At least I have work tomorrow.

I hope you are feeling better. And thank you to the other ladies for your helpful comments.

Hello all, sorry I've been a bit quiet of late. Going to quickly catch up now. Firstly, I suppose I needed just a few days to reflect on everything, and then get going. I also did some McKenzie friending - you may have heard? The best possible outcome, but undoubtedly a very tough day at the office for MrsC. She did MN proud, which, of course, is the most important thing !

I didn't expect the post-divorce crash to be quite as overwhelming as it was. I guess that's normal when the adrenaline leaves, but you're still left with the loss to mourn.

So to catch up.

Hope you get a very sexy builder (Izzie)! Good to read you've made a big step forward to detaching.

Green hope the treatment is going well and you're making the best ofe everything - sounds like your twunt remain twuntlike. Take care.

I'm impressed that you've managed to assert yourself with Sid, Iwas, you are getting so wise to that man and his attention seeking ploys.

Hope the house-clearance went well Hobbit, it felt bittersweet when I moved his stuff out, but later I was so glad it was no longer eyeballing me. Another milestone passed, is a day when you reclaim your home and your life happy. Just quite a long stretch to get there. I believe you're mediating soon? Let me know if I can help in anyway.

Bobs Hope your daughter is having a lovely holiday and you're keeping yourself well. With regard to SM, it's 'interim periodical payments' prior to divorce (and for a separate application after Form A was issued) and 'periodical payments' after. This you would negotiate as part of a settlement (e.g. at mediation, FDA, FDR etc). So you don't need to go via the court route for it, but only if they cut you off without a dime...

WhyMe I hope you are bearing up too - and there's not too much fuckwittery going on over at yours. Keep bearing up.

Tabbie please don't let him intimidate you - they become almost unbearable before a FH, keep your head down, don't react, leave your solicitor to deal with it. This ends, but it is one helluva ordeal to get through. Look back in pride that you survived...but surviving.

Welcome Cassa at between four and six months, I think most of us had a massive crash emotionally where we'd sort of 'coped' for a while, and then 'ka-pow' we got panic attacks, anxiety etc. I think that's the lowest point for most of us, when it all becomes overwhelming too much, but our heads somehow berate ourselves 'for not getting over it' by now. And that's when the depressions really kick in. Please, just take it day by day and look after to yourself. Anytime your day gets too much, come to the bar for a chat. we don't force an Izzietini on anyone

Likewise Fuckit that sounds like you've been in a very callous marriage for years, and left you very undermined. Your project (should you choose to accept) is to find some self-esteem (it's there, it's just bloody well hidden). Come here and BOAST about a few achievements (and we'll cheer you on, not sneer...). One thing that's (sort of) working for me is when I find my mind going back to 'happier times' (and there were some!) I actively crowd them with angry times to remind myself I cannot possible love someone who is just so mean and nasty and a total liar. Then I clear my mind and make a few plans. It's an active thing, and not easy, but I am determined to stop any loving feelings for the ex. I don't know if it works for everyone.

Thanks Drat - it made me laugh.

Paddling you sound in a really dark place too. That's an observation and not a criticism. This SHIT IS HARD, so you're going to feel like giving up sometimes, it is going to be too much sometimes. Take a big breath, focus on you, small tasks and no more. I find if I think long term/or compare my situation to the ex's I feel resentful. If I focus on my friends and my home, making things okay for me, I feel better. It's a daily fight though so just keep saying 'shit this is hard' until you accomplish just one small thing. Then say 'huh, not always so bad'.

Font will look up that film, thanks.

(Sincerely hope I haven't missed anyone...)

Hello WWK my love, nice to see you back behind the bar, where've you been? Just kidding, been keeping us all enthralled on Mrs Cs thread, outstanding work, well done to both of you.

I did have a chuckle about his confusion about who you were
"Who dat?" It's the litigation Angel, that's who, you fuckwit, cue cartoon jaw dropping, accompanied by 'awooga' sound effect! I wish I could have been a fly on the courtroom wall, to see the effect on his tiny mind.

I might need you to come and stay soon, mediation approaching, the day before my birthday, would you believe it, need some hand holding, anxious and stressed.

WWK. Good advice, my self esteem is in my boots. I am seeing a psychologist weekly (on NHS thank goodness) and trying to find the headspace to do the headspace app! Izzie, yes I need to accept in order to move in. I am really cross with myself for still missing him! Very annoying

I am on day three of no citropram, 40mg to zero. I don't feel great BUT my brain seems to be working a little more. I know it is early days as cit has a half life of 18 hours and I take Tramadol which boosts serotonin but I am not going to start the Paroxetine today as suggested by my GP. I am going to see how it goes.

I need to make a med appt don't I? I know I can borrow the money so need to just do it. First job is to insure my car though.

The boys are older so don't go and stay with him so I am rarely alone. Although not getting maintenance for them is a problem I am so glad I don't have to do the younger children go without etc you are doing Casa. .

Fuckit citalopram is what DD1 has just started on. Horrendous first 2 weeks getting used to it, but she seems just about normal now, though still having panic attacks in the middle of the night! My sister was on Seroxat which is in the same group of drugs for several years. She seemed to be able to go on/come off it with no adverse effects.

DD2 having a good time in France. Not a holiday per se, but a pre A Level crammer. She is having speaking tests every morning and visiting places in the afternoon. Not cheap but essential as she wants to study languages at uni. The good thing is she always makes the most of school trips.

WWK thanks for the info. It was more for Fuckit's benefit really as I think she has urgent need of spousal right now. I would have thought this would have been suggested by solicitors. I can't write too much as have mediation on Wednesday. I am at the stage now that if there is no reasonable proposal forthcoming, then I will call a halt and it's off to court we go. Then my offer of saying I don't want spousal or a share of his pension will become null and void. He really doesn't know when he has it good. He would prefer to prolong things at great expense and end up with less for the sheer hell of it (and the control it gives him)

Fuckit try moneysupermarket for car insurance

green thinking of you. Hope you're ok

Hobbit you're house clearing? Very cathartic and satisfying! Amazing the amount of junk you find!!!

Clearing the house of his remaining crap, Bobs felt good getting rid of the remainder, although still a lot to do.

Aaaarrrggggg.... Feel shit today, anxious and stressed about mediation, he's not budging on the 50/50 front, I need more of the house to realistically get somewhere else, I don't want to rent, to unstable for my son.

Apparently he thinks he's going to die young, ( his brother did) and that's why he's done what he has done, and needs to get everything sorted before he pops his clogs! That's a new one eh ladies?

What a number 6!

Hobbit 50/50 hahaha deluded isn't he? And divorcing increases his chance of dying younger.

He's starting to sound a bit like a hippy. Being "lifted" etc. Oh no I forgot there's a name for it already Mid Life Crisis. I suppose that's what he means.

Will post as and when. Got dentist today and had gas engineer round to service boiler, so not painting today.

What's this about number 6?

Why are you clearing the house of his stuff anyway? OK there is stuff that is in the way that you don't want to be looking at. Fair enough. But as far as I'm concerned, if I move, he will have to help me get the stuff sorted. I'm thinking garage, loft etc. Unless he wants to face the new buyers about why he is fly tipping his things in their house!

Keeps you busy Hobbit !

When's your mediation? I think they'll give any excuse - even so far as to going bankrupt eh MrsC or as mine has said, the need to retire early due to ill health.

Mine's saying he want 50% of the house proceeds too - not going to happen! I've been going over my notes for Wednesday. One of the things we have to do is justify why we need a larger share of the house. This is what I have so far...

Long marriage, me SAHM through most and contributed fully.
My earning potential is a lot less than his and will be for the future.
He is in a steady job.
He has a decent pension, I have none
I have responsibility for the DC, which does not stop just because they are 18, especially in the case of DD going to uni
His standard of living is currently a lot higher than mine - ie where he is living, what he is spending.

Anyone anything else to add?

Hobbit the law is looking for an equal split IN SO FAR AS each party can move on with their lives. Therefore, for example, the fact that you earn considerably less and have a much smaller pension, means that he has to compensate you for that variation. I've also read that the person with the high income has much more chance of recovering financially, and therefore that will be taken into account.

Try looking at this as a starting point. And link to the calculator. It's a rough guide but a starting point. See further down in this post.

There is the issue of DS2 as well. I think you've said that he will not be able to support himself financially after uni? Well, the needs of dependent children trump all others in financial settlements. I know your ex has come up with the line about using him to get a better settlement. I would translate that to mean that he probably has been told that he will have to pay for this, and that he is trying to get you not to explore that avenue by making nasty remarks like that. Take no notice of him. You, we, and everyone else knows full well the reality.

Also, please remember that his outgoings are minimal as he is living with a presumably self supporting OW. He has a roof over his head too, courtesy of her. His housing needs are therefore being met. So, in the interests of equality, you will need a larger portion of the marital home equity to achieve that for yourself.

As I said, take a look at that link, maybe search more, too. He can offer what he wants. If he can't be persuaded to be fair, then it has to go further, obviously. It may be, in your case, that if mediation doesn't have the desired effect, some solicitor negotiations may kick start things.

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/divorce-settlements.html

bobs you seem clued up on things. But I would closely question your Form E. Or rather his. You previously made a comment that you have completed yours to reflect your economising. But it seems he is basing his on either his new lifestyle or his lifestyle pre split. I assume, from previous chats, that you have covered any special contributions you have made to the marriage, financially.

The business about retiring early due to ill health....wasn't that covered in the link WWK sent a whole back? Or am I thinking of her day in court?

Paddling? You there? How are you? I know the wanting to give up feeling I really do. Talk via PM if it would help although I am hardly a ray of sunshine!

Izzie - some good points.

I tried the wikivorce calculator - came out really well in my favour, but didn't really take into account him being able to live even in a reasonable fashion as it took rather a lot off him in spousal and child maintenance which was not realistic. However a useful guide.

I have put in my notes that his reasonable needs appear to be far greater than mine in terms of lifestyle stuff (entertainment stuff)

I don't think that the fact that I looked after the house, garden, DC etc AND contributed financially counts as anything other than a full contribution at the moment.

Yes - WWK and losing job has come up.

Mediation is 14th of April, the day before my birthday! I'm glad you are ahead of me then you can tell me what's what! Bobs

Really struggling today, even had lots of tears, which is quite rare nowadays thank god, I'm always the same when I see my sol bestie, unsettled and frightened of the future for me and my son, I don't know why, she is very kind, but very realistic, and it scares me to think I won't get as good an outcome as I'm hoping for.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support, I'm just gonna bury my head today and hope tomorrow is better for me. I have a counselling session for me and my son, ( what a pair we are) so maybe that will help.

Paddling sorry you've had another knock back today. Trouble does seem to come in groups.

Going back to your post the other day re the kids having a great time with H and OW. Well, your kids may have been having a great time, but that doesn't mean to say that the OW is playing happy families. She has no choice in the matter. For all you know, she is gritting her teeth throughout it all, lovely as your children are, I'm sure.

The other thing I wanted to say is that the likelihood of him and OW making a go of things are very slim. Look at this link:

affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/do-affairs-end-up-in-successful-relationships-13/

So many of these men end up with their lives unravelling. Who was it said that the decision to divorce devastates me and relieves you, but the act of divorce relieves me and devastates you?....WWK? I definitely see our situations as we do our penance now, but theirs is yet to come, and worse.

I'm glad you see recent successes on here. I've said this before but just before he left I read an old thread, similar to this, lots of people posting re recent separations. My God, I kept that in my head in the early days of my own separation. Have faith, my lovely, you will look back at some of your posts one day and see how far you have come. My first posting of my own situation was on New Years Eve, two months after he left. My kids were both out and I was sobbing my heart out. I thought my life was over. Now look at me 3 months later. I'm not exactly sure where I'm heading, so I live for the moment, but make plans for what is in my control eg the decorating. I have vague contingency plans and possibilities for moving to achieve my dream of country living that he snatched away from me. I congratulate myself on every single achievement, and I look after myself. I don't mean physically, I mean mentally. I actually enjoy life without him. I enjoy being able to make my own decisions and run my life as I want. I like being able to eat chocolate and crisps for dinner, if I can't be bothered to cook. I like coming in from work some nights and thinking sod it, I'm not doing anything. But best of all is not living with a cheating husband, and all that does to the self. I'm working through my feelings, but this is the last time I will have to do that. Because I will never have to live with the possibility of her rearing her head in the future.

I've been told I'm doing really well. Possibly, I think, because my stuff went on for a long time, off and on. So there is a big sense of relief that it's not happening anymore. Some others on here will take longer because they haven't had the years I did to process a lot of the stuff.

Final thought....I know so many people who are divorced. They are all happy and serene. I also know a lot of people who are unhappily married. I don't know many people who are happily married. As a friend and I often say, scratch the surface......

Hobbit you are under a huge strain with this coming up, and I'm not surprised you are suffering today. The uncertainty is awful.

Your birthday. Drastic action needed. Postpone it for a week. You can do whatever you want now.

Thank you, Paddling my love, it's all so unknowable, no black or white, no formula that will give you a clear outcome, it all hinges on people's differing opinions as to how you are to live your future life, and that scares me and makes me anxious. He did say he wouldn't see us in the gutter, what a twat.

He did say he wouldn't see us in the gutter

Oh it's Santa again. Same as my ex. Thinking he will very kindly let me have some of "his" cash etc. well, when you're an opinionated twat, I suppose it's a reasonable assumption. Our exes, Hobbit think that the great Twunt doesn't have to abide by the usual assumptions. It's that sense of entitlement they feel. They don't seem to realise that any "entitlement" started with their affair, and ended when they left.