HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Fuckit mediation and if you can't afford the fees. I just did a quick google search. This will be of interest

www.arenamediation.co.uk/index.html

I've changed a few things in the way I do the finances, in preparation for Form E. I have all the info gradually getting recorded, but I've simplified it for me, so it doesn't feel like a chore. No bobs I said simplifying for ME, so that doesn't involve PCs. But I could put it all onto a lovely spreadsheet if I had to produce the figures. The main thing is I'm making further inroads on getting down all the incidentals. In face, I was only going to spend 30 mins on it, but got carried away. Wow, I had forgotten the joys of paperwork. I used to do the finances before he took over and made it all spreadsheets etc. at which point I totally lost interest in even looking at the finances.

Things seemed to go Ok re him and the kids yesterday. Let's see how long it will be before he gets anything else organised. I'm not holding my breath.

Tomorrow I'm starting to paint the kitchen. This means that I will now only be smoking outside. There is no way I'm going to risk having to paint the ceiling more than I need to......

There has been a bit of a thaw in relations now. Which is no bad thing financially. It would be great if I could tell him to bugger off and never darken my doorstep again. But a lack of principles can get me more stuff on his salary. It's regrettable though, because my emotions start appearing every now and again. But they probably would anyway. I will just have to tread a careful line. I think I'm strong enough to deal with it though. Those nightmare years have now made me a tough old bird

'Fuckit* that all sounds awful for you and such a big mess of his making to try to unpick. When I did mediation they said that if one spouse couldn't afford it the other would have to pay the full costs but they went purely on your incomes. If you stopped paying the mortgage would you be homeless? I'm not sure he would really be so keen to lose his job as he makes out especially if he is a high earner I'm sure OW wouldn't want him to lose that income. But if you're going to end up homeless its probably a big risk to gamble on that.

Please put something behind bar for WWK

Thanks Izzie perhaps I should explain that my conversations with him are long distance so I have no immediate fears for my physical safety. My worry as always is that if I don't get along with him he starts sending nasty messages to DS criticising me. However I didn't like the way he spoke to me and the name calling it was obvious how much he despises me and I don't think we are likely to agree anything reasonable or fair so I'm going to distance myself from him for a bit now.

Izzie I think you are right to be wary of those emotions when relations thaw. These twunts all have their good points or we wouldn't have married them, mine has a great sense of humour and interesting conversation and we can find ourselves enjoying their company then getting very hurt again. You are also right that you are tough. Going through all this crap makes us tough.

Thanks Izzie, I earn little enough to claim legal aid for mediation. The mediator we are using, very convenient for him geographically, does not do legal aid. She let me have the first session on a pay later basis but my debts are scaring me witless.

No, his name is not on any of the utilities, just mine. The only joint thing is the mortgage. The OW is also a big earner, a long way from retirement and ambitious. I could see her working while STBX close to retirement and hating job stays at home. I don't think it is an idle threat. I think he genuinely believes that he can just choose to walk with very time limited spousal and leave me to sink. I think he thinks that is fair. One difficulty is that his income varies, hence he wants support to vary, but I can not manage the uncertainty. He left two years ago now and I think he believes he has done enough.

Sorry I can't get head straight to comment usefully.

How, even when they have been very cruel and not even good with kids, do you stop loving them? I am being such a door mat I kmow. I am bored of me never mind friends. I still miss him in every way possible. He has been here since I was 18 now gone.

Izzie, you are being so fab btw. Love the decorating, I did that the first summer he went. Since then various domestic disasters incudling floods have somewhat ruined the house and I don't know if we can stay. I want to stay, not least because the day I move out is the day I can't live with the boys all together. Currently waiting for decorators to start repairing the latest flood damage!

I need to get a move on, make myself busy!

dratsea there can only be one drink for WWK and MrsC at the moment. A lovely gin cocktail with pineapple chunks

I say "at the moment" WWK because you did of course say you would try an izzietini once you got your divorce.......

Fuckit and Tabby I will comment on your posts later. Am in the middle of painting. And need some time to absorb Fuckit's post.

This may seem like a weird random post, but if you are desperately in need of a laugh, I have the solution.

I watched the funniest film I have seen in years last night. I was literally crying with laughter. It was really late too as I'd dozed off on the sofa early evening watching telly and then woke up after midnight when my son (who is home from Uni at the moment) came in.

So I was wide awake in the early hours and decided to watch a film on Netflix rather than go to bed and not be able to sleep.

I watched Death at a Funeral and I honestly haven't laughed so much at a film in years. My son (who had to be up early this morning) actually shouted down at me to shut up.

It's been around since 2007 and some of you will have seen it already I'm sure (I'm always late to the party), but if perchance you haven't, then please watch it! I guarantee no matter how down in the dumps you are feeling, this will have you laughing your head off. I've been having a pretty shit time of it myself lately (not relationship related) and this was just the tonic.

It's just so bonkers and so 'British' and so, so funny and the cast are perfect!

(PS. don't get confused with the American remake which apparently is not so good).

Sounds good Font

And just tipping people off on here re the latest on Sid. Check out iwas

Izzie - it's more than good, it's bloody brilliant.

Honestly I haven't laughed so much in years and I can't understand how such an utter gem of a film has gone under my radar for so long.

Here's a snippet from one of the reviews on IMDB:

Nearly Died Laughing
I went to this screening expecting it to be a serious movie you don't expect to be laughing at a movie with both "Death" and "Funeral" in the title but this film was hilarious! It wasn't just me -- the theater was full of people screaming with laughter and clapping at various moments.

Font what a coincidence I set that to record on Friday night on Moviemix. Don't know if it is the same as 2010 with Chris Rock?

Drat - just read your PS !!!

I shall watch it later I could do with a good laugh.

Here's what one reviewer has to say in regards to the US remake:

'Unnecessary' is probably the best single word description of Neil LaBute's "Death at a Funeral." I mean, there's really no precedent for the release of a same-language remake a paltry two and a half years after its original ....

Nevertheless, the reality is that the decidedly Afro-American-friendly version of the dysfunctional family comedy (notable only because it really is the later film's sole distinguishing feature), is now in theaters, leaving anyone who remembers the Frank Oz original to ponder why?

Font what a coincidence I set that to record on Friday night on Moviemix. Don't know if it is the same as 2010 with Chris Rock?

Bobs I seem to have lost an entire post somewhere that I wrote to you in response, posted before my previous one?! Just hasn't shown up in the thread for some reason?

The gist of it was ....

No the US version isn't as good according to the online critics that is. Some go so far as to say 'it sucks'.

The IMDB rating for the British original is 7.4 and for the US remake 5.6,

The whole key to what makes it so funny is it's Britishness. I haven't seen the Chris Rock version and while I'm sure it's ok, if you take the Britishness out of it, it's taking away a key component. Think classic Ealing farce type comedies - it belongs in that sort of company.

Hi Fuckit so sorry it's all so bad for you at the moment. Where are you up to in mediation? I think things will become clearer when you have some sort of proposal from him to show your solicitor, who will then give you idea of how reasonable it is. We had to pay for out initial separate meetings, but will now get a bill at the end for the rest of them.

So you are paying the mortgage so that he doesn't lose his job (ie then won't be able to pay maintenance?) Hmmmmmm

I really hope it all comes out in the open re his finances and his greater ability to pay. Hopefully the mediator will be able to steer you in the right direction on things to consider.

I'm just learning as I go along (and trying to stay one step ahead). I would have though you could apply for anicillary relief??? It's also important to note that if maintenance is being paid for an under 18, then this can be extended to tertiary education (uni) or apprenticeships, and the court does retain jurisdiction to make such an order.

Also, from what I can gather, you can agree a split of the assets and then go to court to sort out the maintenance (spousal and child). Hopefully someone can confirm this?

Oh boo Font

I will need spousal, I think that is the old term for ancillary relief? My solicitor recommending doing all as a package, spousal, assets and debt split and pension. Child maintenance is not an issue although he believes the legal minimum is a fair amount! Tabby I hate to think about dealing with all this feeling wary due to DV. My whatever (need a pseudonym I think) is more than capable of hitting where it hurts in terms of not supporting older children to live with me but no violence.

I am going to watch that film this evening Fontana, thank you. Just now feeling a bit sick and shaky, although the withdrawal is going well so am cleaning and de cluttering the bathroom. I can do that in little bursts and I do like chucking things out etc! No real unmanageable dip in mood and that is the main thing.

Even cleaning the loo and making everything nice is a bit of a mood lift. Trying to find someone who will come to the woods with me and the dog, failing atm as very blustery. Want to get out but bit wary of going alone.

Paddling sorry that you are feeling low. I am okay at the moment, but I do totally know how you feel. You get fed up with constant knocks, feeling miserable all the time and it's especially worse if the ex seems to be having a great time.

I think it's helpful if you can have something positive in the future to look forward to. It doesn't have to be anything major, just something that you know you will enjoy. Otherwise the future just looks painful with nothing good in it and it keeps you in a down mood.

I'm not that social a person, I like my own company and being at home. I forced myself to go out not because I wanted to, but because I ran out of excuses not to. It was okay to start with, but it was just a different place to get upset and talk about what a bastard my ex was. But gradually it became less about talking about my ex and more about having a nice meal or whatever we ended up doing. He still gets talked about a lot when I'm out but I quite enjoy going out now. Not all the time, but regularly. The alternative is just to sit at home and wallow.

I suppose I'm quite lucky in that I take pleasure in simple things and I have zero interest in meeting anyone new ever I go for a walk most days and if it's a nice day just seeing the cows and the sheep and the pretty countryside brightens my mood. It might seem really boring, but the fresh air and a change of scenery help.

I try and focus on the postives, I have two wonderful children, I have my health. My life is totally different to how I thought it was going to be, I was scared shitless about confronting what was happening in my marriage for all sorts of reasons but one of them was the thought of separating at my age and having to manage by myself. It is not what I wanted but it is the reality of my situation and I have to try and make the best of it by doing things that I enjoy and keeping busy so that I don't dwell too much sort of

What do you enjoy doing? What makes you laugh, distracts you for a while. It is hard but time aside the only person who can make you feel better is you. There is no reason why you shouldn't meet someone else if that is what you want. There is a lot to be said for fake it until you make it even if it takes longer than you think and you have a lot of wobbles on the way.

Shut yourself away by all means I've done it lots of times but give yourself some time where you try and do something positive even if it feels like too much effort. Next time the DCs are away with your ex arrange something for you, a meal out or something or even have a friend round and lots of wine Give yourself some nice days and memories that don't involve your ex.

Tabby totally understood re emotions. Although I'm pleased to report that any generous thinking on my part is quickly followed by some flashback or other, and I'm "urgh". As opposed to "meh"

Fuckit hopefully the mediator can make some headway for you! as bobs says. As for emotions, you've been with him for a long time and it will take a while to adjust. You are probably also loving the man you married, as opposed to the man he now is. I've said in one of my posts that the man I loved and married died a long time ago.

Font I don't have net flicks and all that stuff, just freeview. But I will get it on Amazon. Think I will have it as a family film evening. That will make a change,as we don't watch the same stuff and I tend to fall asleep

Paddling good advice from iwasSome people would say that it would be too soon to enter another relationship. You need time to adjust, absorb, mourn, basically get over the split. You don't want to be taking unresolved issues into a new relationship. For my part, I don't want another relationship at all. I'm just not interested, no other reason. But if I did, I would allow myself time to adjust and to sort out my head. Going into a new relationship when not over the old one would just make me feel worse. A year is. not a long time in the scheme of things.

I've had a productive day with the painting. But the best bit about the painting was that I now realise my thoughts weren't dominated by him and the nut job when I was doing it --thanks to Sid, kittens, Iwas, Font*

Green how are you sweetheart?