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Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 23/03/2015 00:51

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

OP posts:
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Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 19:57

There aren't any laid down formulas as such, but there are general principles and case law to guide them. The only ones that seem to deviate from the norm are for the mega rich.

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 20:05

The best advice from someone who hasn't been there at all, as you know.....is to take your time. Don't feel under any pressure to give a response or to get it all sorted ASAP. Take advice, plenty of it, and keep working on that Form E. Go over and over and over every single item of expenditure you can think of.

Remember, he is living with someone too. His outgoings are minimal. He is the one who should be worrying. It sounds like he possibly hasn't done much research if he honestly thinks 50/50 is a fair offer. Minimal research would tell him that you would get a larger proportion due to the inequalities already existing in terms of earning power etc

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 20:16

My STBXH is from a financial background. So is financially savvy. Yet when we were discussing how to sort out the spending on each of our cars, he came up with the following: the extra he spends on his car, will come out of his settlement. But the spending on both cars up to that point will be split 50/50. I pointed out to him that in that case, as the lower earner, I was paying considerably more proportionately for my car than him. Basically, the twat hadn't really thought about that.

They don't seem to do their research. They don't think through the implications. On a cursory glance, 50/50 sounds perfectly reasonable. Until you start looking at the disparities already mentioned. Except they don't think that far ahead. Because their brain is not in gear. This is why we have legal precedents and judges. Because they are considerably wiser than the exes

Paddlingduck · 30/03/2015 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hobbitwife001 · 30/03/2015 20:30

Yes, that's all true Izzie, you are the voice of sanity and reason,

Paddlingthank you for reminding me of that salient fact, fuck off you lying cheating, Lycra clad bastard. There, that felt better Grin time for a bath.

TabbyTortie · 30/03/2015 20:31

Flowers Hobbit and I hope you have a better day tomorrow once you have slept on it. Why do they all fixate on 50/50 and try to tell us how unreasonable we are to need more or in the words of my delightful ex I am obsessed with money and a thieving cow. Lets hope they've all got a shock coming to them.

Hobbitwife001 · 30/03/2015 20:35

That tirade wasn't meant for you, Blush paddling my lovely, you don't wear Lycra do ya?

Thanks, Tabby I appreciate the flowers. X

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:00

Living with a cheat is dreadful and at least I'm not doing that anymore. .......I do at least, have a calm household now

You know how it feels to live with a cheat. There is no "at least I don't now". You have peace of mind, honesty, and nobody messing with your head. That is great

You have a calm household now. Just think what you would have given to have achieved that. There is no "at least" about this either

I mean this in the most positive and supportive way imaginable......try to allocate some head space for dwelling on these positives. These are, for me, the best things of all about my situation. They are priceless. And whatever else may be going on each day, whether good or bad, those specific positives are either my saviour or the icing on the cake

You will get there. We all will xx

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:05

Hobbit . Charmed, I'm sure!

I was going to say that if Paddling wears Lycra, she would be first in my room 101. Well, she would have to be a cyclist, not just wear Lycra in her clothes.

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 30/03/2015 21:06

Hobbit mine didn't shift on claiming assets in my name (leaving me between 10% and 25%) depending until just before the second part of the final hearing.

I kept the lot and claimed a chunk of his. I think he was determined to get me into the gutter, but I was a contrary bitch that said, in her plummiest accent: No thank you.

They change their minds at some point - just not in the early days. Just ask MrsC, who started with 50/50 I believe!

Also, this is the first 'event' since him leaving that you're dealing with him directly - that's going to be really, really hard. You're going to be terrified of 'bottling it' and 'breaking down', of course you are. These are major meetings, not a trip to the cinema! Also, I found the worst case scenarioing (of worst possible outcomes) was also at full whack in my head just before an event. So please don't think you're being 'weak' or pathetic. You're just being normal!

And you're still fab as a person.

Paddling it will get better, you just can't predict when, just as you can't predict when it's all going to go tits up. You're having a helluva time of it right now, so big breath, quit today, try again tomorrow. If tomorrow sucks, try again the next day. Next week can just 'fuck off' for now. As I'm apt to say. That's how I've got through today. And that's how I'm getting through tomorrow.

Bobs your mortgage capacity v. his mortgage capacity - this is crucial. If by getting a mortgage, he can re-house himself similarly to you, then he'll end up better off over time. Whereas you will become gradually poorer over time.

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:07

Not her specifically first, you understand. Just cyclists in general. I seem to recall we get 10 choices in Room 101 according to the TV prog.

I think we've all lived the George Orwell version with the twunts!

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 30/03/2015 21:08

And who the hell keeps stealing my picture. It's there, then it's gone, then it's there, then it's gone. Izzie?

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:10

Yes bobs WWK comment re mortgage capacity. It's that business about them being able to financially recover

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:11

Pardon? And I was just about to say something nice to you.....

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:14

Oh, remember abracadabra? And then on kids TV Izziewizzyletsgetbizzy?

Well if you're nice to me, I may just rub that flower on my dress and see what happens

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 30/03/2015 21:17

Creased up laughing Izzie! I love the "Pardon"...

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:23

Haha, I just briefly looked back and saw "Izzie?", and I thought, oh now what have I done!

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:28

I think your pic is like the royal flag. Half mast and all that. It disappears when you pop in. So you know what the answer is Grin

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:29

Would this do for now?

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4
Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:33

So, WWK how are you? Cos we do like to know how you are getting on. Very much so

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 21:50

How strange. The ex is consulting me about financial matters. As in the budget account. I mentioned something via email today, and now he gives me some INFORMATION and says he's going to do such and such, and does that sound ok to him. Hmm maybe he's getting the idea that I really am a person in my own right. Or maybe he's having a funny turn. Or maybe he's plotting something. I still get paranoid about a divorce petition landing on the mat and then it's my turn to face it all

Original poster
WellWhoKnew · 30/03/2015 21:57

I'm okay. Up and down every day but I think that's to be expected. Glad litigation is over and done with, but it just leaves a lot of headspace for 'processing shit' to be done. I distract myself by trying to write a book (now at 30K of words) in between job hunting (which is not going well but it's still early days). Something will give: may well be my sanity though!

Watched a friend read the book the other night and her simultaneously laughing out loud, then expleting, then going quiet really summed up the calamity that getting divorced involved. Whether it's ever good enough to publish, I don't know. But it's therapy for now. At least the book has a 'happy ever after' in it (and no 'knight in white shining armour involved!). It keeps me busy, and ensures I prevaricate from all other tasks!

You've made a step forward too, I think?

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 22:00

I really don't understand him. He's got more inscrutable over the years. Why is he still concerning himself with the budget? Why is there never any hint of a financial agreement? Is he just running the budget thing by me because he's planning on a financial agreement and thinks I will follow his way of dealing with the finances? I can't ask him any of this because I don't want to "remind" him. And I need time to think about my future plans. For all I know, he's waiting until I decorate all of the house, and then it's ready to go on the market. The only definite clue I got about him considering the marriage over was when he ordered a manual car. Knowing that I previously insisted on an automatic. I just have a nasty feeling that at some stage he will present me with a fait accompli. I'm rambling.

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 22:06

W yes I imagine all that litigation hasn't given you the time/ headspace to work through the emotions previously. It's good that you are doing so now, though, as unpleasant as that may be. And the book is certainly good therapy too. The job thing will happen, you are well qualified, and have a lot of experience.

Have you made any decisions about where you would like to live? Or would you go with the job, as it were?

Izzie595 · 30/03/2015 22:43

You are working your way though the emotional stuff, I hope? Distraction is good up to a point. The sooner it's done, the better. I'm sure you know all of this anyway. You've been so strong through all this, and strong for others too. Go easy on yourself. I worry about you now you have sorted the finance etc. I can present a tough outer shell in RL, it actually masks a lot.

So, sending you Flowers and a big hug.