HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Hi Cassa and welcome to Hobbit's Bar

Sorry to hear about your break-up. It is difficult getting your head round it, especially after being together so long. From what you write you say you were both unhappy, and he didn't want to work at it, but you would have? That must be tough .

However it is wonderful that he still wants to be a Dad to your DC. Hopefully they are taking it all ok - it's all about consistency for them which is most important (we are just meant to muddle along trying to get our heads together)

Hopefully you have a good support network round you

Hi Cassa I can understand why it's harder for you now. As hope has faded, reality starts to kick in, so you are now going through the grieving stage, as opposed to the shock stage.

The constant physical pain.....I haven't been to see my doctor, nor am I having counselling, but there are others on this thread who have experienced one, the other or both, and you may wish to consider that to help you through it. Your final comment about wanting to opt out of life suggests to me that you may want more help. However, I can relate to that last comment of yours in the sense that I didn't want to face the world. I wanted to stay at home, and I found it incredibly difficult being back at work initially.

All of us on this thread have been in long relationships/marriages, and we fully understand the impact of the ending of them. I can only say that I think all of us have made progress in our recovery, although we have all had moments where we hit another low.

You will get good support here. And we have all found it very cathartic to vent on here too. For me, I've found that expressing certain things in here has allowed me to let go of those thoughts, and it has helped to clear my head of all those swirling emotions.

Finally, I can honestly say that 5 months on from my split, I am in a lot happier place. From feeling like my life had just been torn into pieces and thrown up into the air, I now instead feel free from all of the tensions etc within the marriage, and I'm looking forward to a brighter future. I'm not exactly sure what my future is, but I certainly have some possibilities in mind and some choices.

Hi Bobs, I feel your pain re anxiety about those big metal things that somehow hang in thin air, very nervous flyer here too, but it is apparently much safer than driving, and we all do that on a regular basis. It's only natural when there has been a recent tragic crash to feel as you do, but you know everything will be ok, I hope your dd has a fantastic trip.

As mothers we worry about our children all the time, because we love them and want to protect them, I would fight like a tiger for my sons.

Welcome Cassa, it's so hard isn't it? Now that the adrenaline of the original event of him leaving has ebbed away, you've had a bit of a dip, that has happened to most of us on this thread, the see-saw motion of feelings and anxieties rising and falling until you don't know if you can carry on without losing your sanity. I had to go back to my gp when my sons eating disorder raised its ugly head again, and I felt like I just couldn't deal with any more stress, I felt as if I was going to snap, and just run away from all my problems and get my head sorted out. She prescribed me beta blockers and they helped me get through. I'm so sorry to meet you in this bar, but we will help you if we can.

Hobbit yes a lot of parallels with our respective sons. My DS1 wants to go oop North too, although TO the arse end of nowhere.....although not as remote as your place sounds. And both my sons are very close. It will be a wrench for both of them. I found it more difficult telling DS2 about DS1 wanting to move than I did telling him about OUR possible move.

I've spent a fair amount of time on Right Move app looking at different areas. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that if I have to move downmarket, then I'm going to take the plunge and go a lot further out, ie into the countryside. Which is what I would prefer anyway. I can get a reasonable property for a lot less, so it wouldn't feel like a backwards move, far from it. Oh yes I'm all for Location Location.....In fact, I'm all rather excited about the prospect of it. I don't much see the point in staying where I am but in a smaller house. I would only regret it, then think about moving later, and then have to incur all the moving fees all on my own money. If I take the plunge initially, I reckon the fees will be swallowed up fairly by both me and STBXH. The only thing I will have to get used to is a lot more driving. I don't want to change my job, and also my friends are here. Ah well, I will just get used to it. I'm pleased to say that DS2 is quite amenable to a move to the country. Country in this area of the country being still within a reasonable distance of all amenities, as opposed to the much more remote area oop North re DS1 and holiday home.

Green how are you?

bobs I now have a can of gin and pink grapefruit......I will take the plungs sometime this week!

MrsC I've already commented on your thread, but anyway, an absolutely amazing result, and very well deserved. I hope WWK enjoyed tagging along with you. And I'm still laughing about those two not realising they've been had!

iwas I haven't forgotten x

Gin and pink grapefruit? sounds interesting Let us know what it's like!

There's nothing wrong with up north!!!! - mind you it depends if we're talking Outer Hebrides here!!

I wouldn't normally be nervous about DD flying (I was a travel rep in a previous life!). It's just the plane crash and the fact there were school=kids on board However DD1 is coming back from uni tomorrow so should take my mind off things.

Hobbit these beta blockers - can you take them as a one-off or do you have to take them regularly?

Shit - just read DD2's newsletter - one of those on the plane that crashed went to her school! Really? Did they need to tell us now?

Hi Bobs my love, no you can't just take them as a one off unfortunately, you have to have a phased withdrawal, try not to worry, easier said than done I know, but the likelihood of it happening again is infinitesimal, but that's cold comfort to you atm.

Oh I prefer oop North to darn Sarf, well certainly the countryside anyway.

Scottish Highlands are the best in my opinion, but there is not one decent looking town there. Something about the colour brick they use.

You and your colour co-ordination Izzie - wrong colour brick!

Thanks Hobbit. Really don't want to be on meds - it's enough that the girls are! Was hoping there was something I could take as a one-off as and when I might need it. I know anti-histamines like Piriton have a sedative effect and can help with sleep. I've tried the natural remedies in the past - don't work.

At some point I'll get my BP checked out. It's normally ultra-low but I think it might have risen a little in recent months!

So I've just received email from mediator requesting we let her know if we can't make next mediation meeting. Anyone care to place bets as to if he'll cancel again????

bobs my motto re doctors is that you're perfectly ok until you see them. And then they tell you something is amiss! Although I think my old family doctor was more like the one in Reggie Perin, ie take a couple of aspirins (or whatever his catchphrase was).

I will bet you that can of gin either way......

STBXH has just been round to collect the kids to take them to the England match. He's been attacked by the barber again . My tone today was a bit monotone I suppose. I gave him a bit of information about things, and handed him a screwdriver to adjust one of the cabinet doors. He made a suggestion about something, I told him it was fine as it was. I suppose his summation would be that I was fairly cold but not hostile. His tone was friendly. Probably a bit wary.

My overriding feeling is that I'm not bothered about him one way or the other. If, however, he were to allude to anything about his other life, it would create friction, as I don't want that freak in my head. I would like to know what is going on in his private life, partly curiosity, but mainly so I can gauge how it will affect the financial aspects. But I have no intention of asking. I want all my plans in place before negotiations. Does anyone have a hotline to Kirsty and Phil??

Well done Izzie detachment being the word of the day/week/year/anything as far as Twunts as concerned

Thanks bobs. I noticed I gave him a bit of information if I thought it would benefit me, for example, by making it clear that I spent less on certain items than he might at first assume. But I stopped myself giving him anything newsworthy.

Tonight will be the third time in FIVE months that he has deliberately seen DS2, the other times being when he happened to be round here for other reasons. He spent approx an hour with him on his birthday, and a hour on Boxing Day. I will ask DS1 about it tomorrow. It's a sensitive subject with DS2, and he will be tired after a late night, a very early morning and a long day at work. He can be a prickly sod.

Hello Cassa I am sorry to hear about your H. I think when it first happens it can be so overwhelming that you're really not thinking straight and you're a bit on autopilot. When it all settles down a bit you start thinking and reflecting and then the reality hits a bit more so it's harder to deal with then.

It must be very hard for you that he wasn't prepared to try and work at your marriage and I would think that as he didn't give you that opportunity you probably have unresolved thoughts which makes it harder for you to move on.

At least he is being quite decent and being good with your children, but probably makes detaching harder for you.

I wanted everything to go away, I'd had months of being upset and you do get to a point where you just don't want to deal with it anymore. But, it does get better although there is still plenty of upset.

You mentioned that you were prepared to have counselling to try and improve your marriage, do you think it might be of use to you anyway so that you can go through the reasons for your marriage ending which might be of some benefit to you in being able to move on.

Posting on here as helped me an awful lot and I hope we are able to help you in some way. x

Help his pre court threats and anger have started earlier than I anticipated. His face was scary and I had a pang of fear like I used to when I lived with him and he was abusive. He made it clear that if he gets anything less than 50/50 he will blame me and be very angry. There's not much chance he will get anything near that so I need to stay calm and accept that he will be angry and avoid him as much as possible but at the moment I feel I have to keep the lines of communication open in case we can resolve before court although that's unlikely since he won't budge on 50/50.

Hi Tabbie one word for him...."meh"

Crap time for you. when do you have the FH? Presumably you've already had some direction as to the outcome?

If he's acting unreasonably and won' budge, just tell him to send any proposals via your SHL. I agree it's good to keep lines of communication open, but not with Twuntish proposals.

and really...who gives a toss if he blames you and will be very, very angry!!!

No, my ex is the same Tabby, he thinks he is very generous 'giving' me 50/50 as well, after such a long marriage, disparity in income and an autistic son to provide and care for.

Stay strong and focused, don't let his threats and anger intimidate you, think of your son and your happy future together without him.

Bobs it's natural to feel anxious about your daughter's flight after the awful events of this week, but am sure she will be fine. I hate flying and am anxious whenever the children have flown so I know how you feel.

Supper is late evening and something light here!

Izzie you sound like you are making plans and sounding quite positive. It is so hard when the children leave home. I missed my son terribly when he first went to University. I couldn't wait for the holidays so he'd be home again. You do adjust eventually but I still miss him lots even though he's been coming home more since I found out about his dad's affair.

The trouble with asking questions about the "other life" is that you might get replies that cause more upset so yes best left.

Hope your sons enjoyed the match and that it helped for them to spend some proper time with their dad.

Will get back to you this afternoon.

Tabby if he gets less than 50/50 then that will be the courts decision. I am sorry he is continuing to be abusive. Everytime he behaves like a twunt is a reminder that you are better off without him. x

I haven't had any direction of the outcome because he hasn't disclosed so there's nothing to base anything on but I put my best guesses of his situation into the wikivorce calculator and it came out with 80/20 in my favour. I do worry about his anger because of previous dv and because when he's angry he messes with DSs head. But that's unavoidable so you're right MEH. Iwas yes it's the courts decision but he has a long history of blaming other people's and his own decisions on me. Yes you are right I am better off without him.

Thanks for all the support ladies. I will just try to get through each day.

Hi Cassa my love, I'm nearly six months on from his leaving, and some days I'm ok, and some days I wake up in disbelief that this has happened to our family. I had an email from an old friend of ours in London today, she said she thought he would have come to his senses by now, that shook me a bit, so I can totally empathise with your feelings.

It does help to discuss how you are coping with others who are going through the same shit, you realise you are not in isolation, take care of yourself.

Hi everyone

I have had a horrid week but have tried to follow your stories, the summaries helped!

I am 50, got a decree Nisi a year ago, like Bobs, a year of paying a solicitor and now trying mediation. The flaw in that plan being I cant afford to pay for it. Now STBX is living with his girlfriend, who is giving up work this month and seven months pregnant he has less to 'spare' for me. He dropped our maintenance by £1400 per month leaving me worried about the mortgage and driving a car without insurance. I have already stopped paying the utility bills. I have to pay the mortgage as otherwise he will lose his job, he will then become a full time dad and I can whistle for money.

The 'we' is myself and three sons. Oldest one age 20 with a good job who contributes to household - but can not afford to live alone. The middle lad has just started work - so no maintenance for him either. The youngest is 16, I still get maintenance for him. Middle lad very tricky, not helped by having a disney dad. This morning I texted SBTX to let him know our boy is using Coke or inhaling Mandi - so he bought him a car this afternoon! This is not a one off.

I work, earning about a fifth of his salary for much longer hours. I have a chronic pain condition and depression - both interact together. I had a formal warning from HR about sickness on Friday after a horrible week at work. I let her know I am likely to be off this week coming which will not have helped. I am cold turkeying off some drugs so I can try a new combo. So far the withdrawal is not as bad as I feared - tomorrow and Monday likely to be the worst days but keeping my fingers crossed. I am very behind with work - room for a capability process if they feel so inclined. Immediate line manager is ambitious and thinks nothing of burying a sword in anyone's back so am expecting more trouble.

There is so much more to say. Insufficient assets to even put a deposit down on one house and i would not get a mortgage. STBX will - he earns loads and has a much younger partner. Some pension but not much. We downsized in January before he said he was off in the march. I thought it was so we could finally have some nice holidays etc - sadly not what he was thinking. The OW is someone he had an affair with 6 years ago. She told me then she wanted his children, her husband was unable to father children I believe. She is very odd, rang me to ask if I would have husband back if it did not work out between them? Also, what my boys liked for tea...

It is a very long story but he 'tried' again with me for years until finally deciding he could not love with me. You can see where my self esteem is...

Sorry. This is so long. I hope you will let me frequent the bar - I need some backbone for the fights ahead! What on earth do you do if you can not afford to argue for more money???? All ideas welcomed. Right a glass of wine I think - don want to cold turkey off too many things at once

Hi Fuckit you certainly have been having a dreadful time. And all are welcome here. I'm sure Hobbit or WWK will confirm that. Come on here as often as you need, whether to vent or maybe get some advice, if any of us can give it.

It's utterly appalling how so many men drop their exes in it financially. You say that you have to continue paying the mortgage otherwise he will lose his job? I'm guessing here that he is not permitted by his employers to run into financial difficulties? If that's the case, whose names are the utility bills in?

I don't know if the OW was still in the background during those 6 years. But whether or not she was, the fact that your ex couldn't or wouldn't try to make his marriage work is a poor reflection on him. Not you.

I can't advise about the financial aspects about meeting the costs of mediation etc, but there are a few on here who should be able to advise.

The work issue, well there does seem to be so many more processes for dealing with sickness in the workplace. Which is fine for catching the skivers but puts additional pressure on those genuinely in need. If you belong to a trade union I would get them involved. Sound like you are behind with your work because of illness, so they should be being supportive.

I'm so sorry it's all happening to you at once. Keep posting and venting. Wishing you luck over the next few days in particular. And I'm sure someone will be along soon to give you support

Tabbie I meant to reply earlier but in hindsight I'm glad others posted before. I would have been worried in your situation, but the others are right to say MEH. And IF matters escalate, then you have to take action. He will have to learn that getting his own way with you is a thing of the past

Cassa I think it's harder emotionally when you have younger children. Hobbit iwas, Bobs and I have adult offspring, so we don't have to see their dads as much mainly because they don't see their kids very often if at all I am certainly in a much better frame of mind when I don't have much to do with my STBXH. But have faith, you will gradually emotionally detach. I think I'm a good way through the process, but every now and again it comes back at me. I had a sad moment today, following on from seeing him yesterday. And like Hobbit's friend emailed! I do sometimes wonder if it's getting towards the time when he will come to his senses. I'm 5months on. I can't say I think it would work between us, and I've come so far that going back would be worse than what's ahead. But even so, there is still that disbelief in the back of my mind. But then, what do we all expect after such long relationships