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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 23/03/2015 00:51

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Rozalia · 07/04/2015 10:28

My twunt thinks he holds all the cards as far as money goes. Or thinks that I think he does. I'm quite happy for him to hold onto this delusion for now. The less he knows about my thoughts and plans the better.
Sitting in waiting room at hospital.
Twunt quote from a few years ago when he was bullying me into not getting medical help. "It doesn't matter if you have depression, you don't earn any money. "

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:30

Hobbit his actions stink. They accept no responsibility for the damage they cause, and how often do they actually refuse to even acknowledge there is a problem. I'm thinking how FF refuses to accept stuff about your DS2, and actually my STBXH re my DS2.

I feel myself that once matters have been finalised, he will no longer be a part of our lives, hence no longer I am thinking of the injustices. I'm fairly certain I will have to move downmarket. In which case I'm making the leap. We will be moving a good hours drive away from where we are now. That's far enough away from him. And I will not be letting him set foot inside my home. Although I'm sure he will try to pull the car stunt on me, ie he has to look at it to see if it meets his approval. Well it ain't going to happen. He's an entitled twat, not a surveyor. Both kids are now onside for a move out

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:36

Quotes From MLC Twunts, Update

"It doesn't matter if you have depression, you don't earn any money. "...... reason for why his wife should not seek medical help.

"Don't be crude. One of your failings"

"Do not bad mouth me to .....your own family" meaning my brothers

"Do you realise you are falling massively your sons by stopping them having proper contact with me"...........sons aged 19 and 22!!

All sent by him yesterday.

One of my replies: "that shows you for exactly what you are, a barking, entitled, rude and obnoxious jumped up little bully. What a sad little man you are". ......well, sometimes we just need to let it out.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:38

Rozalia that quote is a case of if it's not happening to you! it's actually so absurd it's funny.....The phrase you can make it up springs to mind

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:39

Quotes From MLC Twunts, Update

"My car was always going to be more expensive than yours".....double the price

"It doesn't matter if you have depression, you don't earn any money. "...... reason for why his wife should not seek medical help.

"Don't be crude. One of your failings"

"Do not bad mouth me to .....your own family" meaning my brothers

"Do you realise you are falling massively your sons by stopping them having proper contact with me"...........sons aged 19 and 22!!

All sent by him yesterday.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 10:45

Izzie - yes I think it is. Since this nightmare started, I've done everything humanly within my power to protect them, do things with them and reassure them of my unconditional love for them so that when the 'shit hits the fan' they'll be in no doubt that this is about me and their dad and not about them. Not that they would have done anyway but you know what us mothers are like..... He has done none of that. He's been a good father and they love him but since his announcement he's made very little effort with them. It's as if he's been detaching from them, whereas I've been protecting my attachment with them. He too uses the 'young adult' language when it suits and 'our children' when that suits rather better. He's actually said that I've been silently manipulating them. Incredible. He knows me- I would never do that. I want them to have a strong relationship with him. He is alienating them with his moods and selfishness. He chose to bugger off to Christ knows where at the beginning of the weekend. They are rarely all home together and they thought it selfish. How is that my fault???

I'm actually having a cry. Not in front of him. He's not been particularly nice to me now that I'm trying to rise above it and accept. We were however having a reasonable chat about this and that just now and he apologised for what he was doing to me. I said that I was moving on emotionally and that we just needed to work on the practicalities. He then asked what I'd do if he said he'd changed his mind and wanted to try again. I laughed and said I'd never forgive him for this. All quite calmly. He then said that I was deluding myself and would run back in a flash and accused me of playing mind games. What a selfish prick. The awful truth is that he's probably right and I would try again.......
This is so hard. I hate him.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 10:54

Ps the quotes are strangely cathartic. It is a reminder that you can't reason with the unreasonable. Keep them coming....

He's walking the dog now. Room to breathe for a bit.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:55

1 he is having second thoughts but didn't like your response. It's like a teenager getting turned down for a dance and calling the refuser a lesbian.

My love, we would support you, whatever you chose to do. I know a lot of threads on MN flame women who take back cheating exes, if indeed that is what he is. But I for one would not dream of forcing you to take any path. I know of others here who totally support that view. We can make suggestions, give you things to think about, but we have no right to judge.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 11:10

I think he's keeping his options open. He's scared too -he will openly admit that. He knows that I am better at being on my own than he is. I'm used to him being away on business whereas he's always disliked being alone in hotel rooms or home alone on the rare occasions that the kids and I have been on a trip without him. If the DCs were younger I would be more tempted perhaps but not now. I've begged and begged and humiliated myself over the past few months. He stood firm. I'm standing firm now. Still crying though. Taken myself to the bathroom so DCs don't see/hear.

Rozalia · 07/04/2015 11:21

My twunt kept his options open too. Even after he moved out, within 4 days he was begging to come back. Let him come back a month later and he immediately regretted it.
Left 6 weeks later then started all the "is it really over?" On and on.

I said "Yes" and have stuck to it. Like you I am much better at being alone than twunt is. Bastards, wanting yo have their cake and eat it and feeling entitled to endless forgiveness and understanding and patience, then feeling hard done by when eventually we say FOTTFSOFTFOSM.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 11:37

Thanks Roz. I am terrified in many ways but I can't see myself going back.... I've begged him to see a doctor, us to see a counsellor, a weekend away together to talk it through. He has not budged an inch. The only thing he agreed to was to wait until DS2's exams were over with. In part I think that was because of the reaction he knew he'd get from family and friends if he abandoned us before them, rather than a true desire to support his son. He's obsessing at the moment about what we tell people. I don't really a about that - other than DCs of course. He is worried that if I end up moving out, 'people' will think I've left him!!!! Genius or what???? When I pointed out that I will have left him if I move out he seemed genuinely taken aback. We can't possibly have his pride damaged can we....

This thread is keeping me going ladies. I will forever be grateful. to you all.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 11:41

Reputation is all to them it would seem the look on my twunts face when I told him I would just tell the neighbours we had separated......priceless

Of course it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 11:54

I've been scrolling through texts since he left for twunt quotes. Urgh, took me back. So, let's have a bit of a laugh

www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5AjNe1zHaU

Rozalia · 07/04/2015 12:09

I'm not supposed to tell anyone either, although he texted all the children to tell them, minutes after he'd told me.
When he finds out I have told anyone he's indignant.
I've been told not to tell my sister. Not that she's someone you'd tell much to, anyway. But I will tell her and anyone else, as and when.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 12:10

Now I'm bordering on happy. Thank you Izzie I've never seen that video before - given me some ideas......

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 13:12

There really is a MLC man script isn't there- the similarities are unbelievable between these twunts. I'm struggling to keep body and soul together - not to mention job, kids, shopping, washing etc etc and he's obsessing about what 'people' will think about him. He was upset that I told my m and d and really upset that I told an old friend. Both were accidental admissions really. My mum and dad aren't stupid and I started to cry when visiting them one day and they insisted I told them what was wrong and my friend rang up to invite us to their 25th wedding anniversary party and I'm ashamed to say I started sobbing down the phone.

Anyway, I was right - "He may as well have gone to work if I'm going to be hostile all day."What he doesn't realise is, that to spare our DCs, I'm not even out of neutral yet...

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 13:23

1 I can totally relate to how you feel, thinking of the shit times I had with my twunt. And the texts I got yesterday, well, I really am in your zone today. Maybe we should watch Texas Chain Saw Massacre haha.

This is my ex at the moment. And I think yours too

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTGOrlOSQvI

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 13:28

1 have you read all of the threads in this series? I would recommend maybe reading mine. Reason being you can see how far I've come. I've been the one to have emotionally detached most. Also read Green, her posts were so raw, and then she became serene.

And remember, in the same way that my ex does not dictate where I choose to live, in the same way, your twunt does not get to decide who you confide in and what you say to them.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 13:35

Good old Kenny I. I can't concentrate on work and so am heading out to find some kind men who'll clean my car - which as HRT has noticed - is a "disgrace". (That's not why I'm getting it cleaned though). My m and d live on the way there and so I'm going to call in on them to talk about him. Sshhhh....don't tell him though.....

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 13:41

You have a good old chat with them. Let them look after you for a bit xxx

bobs123 · 07/04/2015 13:47

1 you're doing really well despite his crass suggestion that you would always take him back. Of course that is up to you. Stay strong - and spend a lot of time on your laptop/ipad/whatever, chuckling quietly to yourself every so often. That will really annoy him as he will wonder what you are doing (and it's none of his business any more .

In common with everyone on here it's all a question of us taking back control of our own lives. After having been manipulated for so long we come to the realisation that we also have the right to make our own decisions, and not just based on what we are told to think/feel or say.

As far as the DC go, I would have been more than happy for stbx to still have a relationship with them, whatever our failings as a couple. Especially so had he been a good Dad. However in my case the reason I left him was because of the way he treated them as well as me, and any contact with him would be detrimental to their wellbeing. Whether they have any contact with him in the future is entirely up to them.

Font mentioned that she packed up and left when her kids were young, but her DC now have a relationship with their Dad. Perhaps he was a good Dad but a crap H??? I would imagine that most stbxs will detach initially from their DC as they are uncertain as to where they stand in the (un)family unit

Hobbitwife001 · 07/04/2015 14:00

Hi everyone, struggling a bit today, as feeling anxious, here's our mascot chillin' to cheer us up

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 14:01

I never for one moment that he wouldn't make a supreme effort to see his sons. How wrong was I?

Well, yesterday's exchange with him has yet again made me sooo aware that he is an poisonous little oaf, and I can't wait till he dies I'm free of him

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGi3wDoAZ0Q

Hobbitwife001 · 07/04/2015 14:02

And another one,

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