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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 23/03/2015 00:51

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

OP posts:
Thread gallery
30
bobs123 · 06/04/2015 19:30

Ha think mine withered long ago "hobbit" but it is Easter after all and you gotta believe in the resurrection Easter Grin

1ali3 · 06/04/2015 20:17

Bobs - I have a gorgeous niece and nephew - his side Sad - who are still little people and I just love them to bits. We see them regularly - I definitely need a glass or two after they're collected though. Enjoy...

wiseone I think we'll all be quietly glad when Easter is over. It sounds to me as if you're doing pretty well considering Smile

Izzie, dare I ask how the kitchen is?

Have a good evening everyone. DD and I watching 'The Book Thief'. Funny how the simplest of things like escaping into a good film can bring genuine pleasure at the moment..

onceinagoldenmoon · 06/04/2015 20:33

Today my little girl would have been 7. Having a break down over her. I was forced into an abortion and today she would have been 7. I would have loved her so much. I should have kept her but I didn't. Here's to all your DC's!!!! Through all the pleasure and pain they bring you but I lost my little girl.

1ali3 · 06/04/2015 20:46

Oh Once, I'm so sorry. There is nothing worse. Puts a defunct marriage into perspective. Please take care of yourself.

Izzie595 · 06/04/2015 20:50

I'm so sorry to hear that, Once, my heart goes out to you. Flowers

Izzie595 · 06/04/2015 22:16

The kitchen units are finally all done. Phew. My brother and SIL came round, and my brother, bless him, did most of it, even going back to his house to collect a few brackets that were missing. They were here for hours. Neither of them mind giving up their time, they are a lovely couple.

Before they arrived, I texted the ex to say I was going to put the house on the market. Reply was "pardon". So to elaborate I kindly said "decided to move"". Reply have I told the "boys"boys when he suits, adults when he suits of "my decision, or is it unilateral" erm, isn't that the same thing? But I just replied "ironic mr cocklodger" which I thought was quite amusing. But he didn't. Anyway, then cue a number of hours until I read his next text which says "actions have consequences". Well that's fucking obvious, Eiinstein. Then I got accused of bad mouthing him to my sons and my family. I replied that I had no wish to discuss him with anybody because I had moved on, and that my living arrangements with my sons were none of his business, and that he did not tell me where to live. And that he was arrogant to think he could dictate my life, how ridiculous. I got in the ridiculous word as it's one he often uses. I then told him to go back to his partner, because maybe she likes his particular brand of charm. I later followed it up with a few texts stating the facts as regards his lack of contact with his sons,, this following on from something he had texted DS2 this afternoon. Basically, he is blaming me for his poor relationship with his sons. My final text stated that he will do and say as he will but none of it takes away from the fact that he has sporadic contact with them, which was a situation of his own making, as I had predicted in one of the "foul" texts sent months ago pointing out the reality he didn't want to hear.

Good God he really is an arrogant little shit. The tone of his texts, barking at me. I got a taste of the new him last time he was round. This arrogance and barking at people like they were something on the bottom of his shoe is his default mode now, it would appear. Well, enjoy, OW, because I can't think of anything worse.

Back to brighter matters, I discussed the moving thing with my brother and SIL. The place I'm interested in is the place they too are interested in. I would if possible, like to stay close to them, as they are my nearest relatives, no parents now. My other brother and SIL live 75 mins away.

I've invited both of them to come over for a meal in the kitchen, which my brother officially finished, by insisting on fitting the door handles, rather than leaving to me. I may cook, as I'm getting a dab hand at this now, much to SIL's amazement and amusement. Both of my brothers do the cooking, so all of us females are out of practice. Well,apart from me! So hereby a new tradition starts in my family. The brothers and sister cook, the spouses don't. A small price to pay for ridding myself of an entitled arrogant rude little twunt.

Thank you 1 for offering to come over if you knew anything. Quite honestly, a box of tissues and a hug would have been enough, bless you, and thanks once.

Well the biggest symbol of his desertion has now been transformed and fitted. The rest of the bits I can do myself, I think, but it's certainly no big deal. I'm glad my brother was the one to finish the kitchen. It was fitting for his support for me and the kids, it's reinforced my view that family is the most important thing, and he reclaimed the kitchen from the twunt, and handed it firmly over to me and my sons.

Sorry this is so long, but this is also my diary of survival and moving on, and this is a big thing. He walked out following an argument over the kitchen. And now he's gone, and it's all different, fresh and better.

The kitchen has also proved to be a source of arguments between me and DS2, as inevitably I bring up his dad. Nothing else seems to invoke that in me. So life should be easier here. Things are a bit smoother now, but I think a night's sleep will blow it away for DS2

Izzie595 · 06/04/2015 23:11

There have been more texts. Ive had enough of this pathetic little man. Time to get shot once and for all. I've told him I want proposals for a financial agreement. No reply of course. So, decision time now. If I don't get to keep this house, then a move further out has to be on the cards.

whyMe2014 · 06/04/2015 23:20

once....I do feel for you. I went through something similar 21 years ago. Sending you a hug. xx

whyMe2014 · 06/04/2015 23:41

Fuckit....hope your DS is ok.

1ali...excellent 12 points.

izzie...it was my stbxh the weasel that shaved his bits for the internet. Yuk...still makes me sick. Hope she likes walnut whips!

Plus well done on the kitchen.

I desperately need to detach from the weasel....detach, detach, detach, alternatively detach his fucking head from his shoulders would help.

Had the weasel on the girls phone tonight - he emailed and texted first saying that the phone wasn't working and he couldn't get through so when he eventually did get through I talked to him...what did I think I was doing.

He admitted (!) that he had asked my eldest if she wanted to see the OW, as she had said yes he thought it was ok for them all to meet. Still he cannot take responsibility for anything. It's all absolute bollocks and he's lying through his teeth. He also said that the OW's accusation of harassment is between me and her and nothing to do with him. WTF!

He then swung from having a go at me to "why can't we talk about this"...blah...blah...bloody blah. Then when he had enough he put the phone down and then sent a text saying that his battery had died. How did he send a bloody text then the twat!

All these twats should be strung up.
.....

Plus just like to say hello to all you new girls and sorry you're joining our merry band.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 00:44

Hello why oh tell me about the ridiculous nonsense they spout. The twunt unfortunately still in my life holds me totally responsible for his long on/off affair spanning 7years, I still don't know the truth. Yeah, so devastated avout me walking out that for the next seven years off and on he shagged someone else. Of course. And my 19 and 22 year old sons are being bullied by me and are being stopped by me seeing him. Well I don't need to stop them seeing him, as he never arranges to meet them anyway.....

It's laughable when it's someone else's ex but harder to not react when it's directed at oneself. I find it impossible on occasion to not react, and so have sent him some very blunt texts telling him exactly how it is. I know I should have let it go, but I didn't. It hasn't helped that I have an unbearable raging toothache which no amount of overdosing on tablets is having any effect.

I know exactly what you mean about your ex texting to say he had a flat battery. Yes we should let it go, but somehow we think that what any sane person sees, they will have to. Wrong! It's like having your head messed with. What would WWK say! something like can't reason with fuckwits, no problems with our own moral etc. oh fuck this tooth is killing me.

The sooner both of these arseholes are out of our lives the better. I'm happy if I never see him again. Well I'm going to text twunt to say that I realise that as MLC man he takes no responsibility for his own actions and blames everyone else for what is wrong in his life and that there is no reasoning with him. So I will not waste my time and energy on trying to reason with the unreasonable, nor fathom the unfathomable. I'm happy with myself, and that's all that matters. The only outstanding matter is that of the financial settlement, and that is all I will be discussing with him in future. ........right, that will do, then he can fuck off, stupid little man. I have no residual feelings for him whatsoever, he has made it so easy for me.

whyMe2014 · 07/04/2015 01:12

izzie....you go girl. Like the last paragraph.

They honestly cannot have a rational thought in their little heads because if the did it would probably blow their minds.

So, as you say, it's our fault, we are the evil creatures who are responsible for wrecking their lives. Not them....not the fact that they couldn't keep it in their trousers.

The weasel said he "couldn't help himself, it's as simple as that". Well he is bloody simple.

And your MLC man must be completely blind as well...you're bullying your children...hmmm let me see...you... the decent, honest, loyal, hard working woman must be the root of all evils - obviously.

Sometimes it is just so hard to let it go...you know what you should do but by the time my head has computed that fact my fingers have sent an email.

Hope your tooth gets better. xx

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 01:15

living if you're concerned that he is watching MN, send us some PMs. You know who the regulars are and who you feel you would most connect with. Take care x

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 01:28

Hello again why of I don't die of an overdose tonight! I will be pleased I took so many tablets, cos I think it's subsiding a bit more now.

I sent that last paragraph via text, fuck it I've had enough and want my own life back. More to the point, my own front door to which he has no key.

I find it sooo easy to bully and manipulate a 19 yr old and 22 year old adult, because they believe anything, yeah! Oh but then they would have to believe what he sends to them too. Hmmm. Well one said to me he knew he wouldn't help with the DIY and he know he would blame me for his lack of contact with them. The second part of that surprised me, I wouldn't have believed it until it happened. Well, clearly if that son has a MLC himself later in life, he will already know what he will be doing Easter Grin

You know, although it's hard to react, if you can avoid reacting.......it really feels good later on. I've done that, and yes it's good. I've done it face to face. I now need to tape up my hands if I hear from him, so I can't type......

Perhaps we should start a post with the stupid things they say, the ones that you know everyone bar MLC would know it's utter nonsense. I will get onto that tomorrow, head it up in bold. We haven't done a twunt of the week type thing for a while, so we must resurrect it. I will also scan the internet for a song entitled you are a twunt. Well I googled song fuck off, and we all know what I found there Easter Grin

I bet I hear fuck all about proposals from him. He's sooo confident in his situation that he's not prepared to undo anything. Except his trousers of course......urgh yuk, the thought of it makes my skin crawl.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 01:31

I'm off to bed now, much needed rest, and awaiting call from dentist. Catch you later xx

Rozalia · 07/04/2015 06:58

Morning everyone. Off to the big London hospital with son today. Hope for some good news for a change.
Still fighting the addiction, ignoring the cravings. No-one would know I'm an addict to look at me but I sure as hell feel it. I'll remember some twunt quotes for Izzie's list when I'm sitting about in the hospital.

Love to you all

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 08:00

Quotes From MLC Twunt Part 1

"Don't be crude. One of your failings"

"Do not bad mouth me to .....your own family" meaning my brothers

"Do you realise you are falling massively your sons by stopping them having proper contact with me"...........sons aged 19 and 22!!

All sent by him yesterday.

One of my replies: "that shows you for exactly what you are, a barking, entitled, rude and obnoxious jumped up little bully. What a sad little man you are". ......well, sometimes we just need to let it out.

TabbyTortie · 07/04/2015 08:07

Well done Rozella. Head over heart and in a while that craving will pass then when it returns head over heart again.

Mine blames me for everything too and will continue to do so until he finds another poor woman to blame. Since his whole life has to be top secret from me in case the greedy cow tries to get some child maintenance or something unreasonable like that I even get the blame for things that have happened to him since we separated concerning people I have never met.

FuckitAndStartAgain · 07/04/2015 08:16

Son is fine. He says it was probably a good thing he had such a scare. We shall see. I am fairly sure I have bought them up to be emotionally literate, means they know what they should say...

I miss him. He rang about son and I was so sure he rang to tell me his baby was born. Something happened yesterday that left me with the tiny question about our life that I would ask if he remembered. I didn't.

I miss lying in bed drinking tea and putting the world to rights. I wish o could hate him like I hate that skank. I have a mind that drifts into fantasy. One is that she dies in child birth and he and I raise the baby together in our family unit. I am ashamed to write that on so many levels.
I am dumping on you. I am two years into this process. I should be whole by now.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 09:15

Fuckit don't be ashamed to voice your inner thoughts. I will PM you. I think we've all wished dreadful fates on our exes and the bitches that played a part in wrecking our families. Express your anger. Eventually it will subside. You still have a lot ongoing, so until things settle, don't expect to able to move on too much. I reckon my inner shit will all start rearing if he actually does something about a financial settlement.

1ali3 · 07/04/2015 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 09:46

1 is this a number 14 for the list?

It is the fault of the ex that the father fails to maintain contact with his children and/or has a relationship with them which is hanging by a thread

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:06

I haven't watched all of this clip because it makes me heave. But do we recognise Mr Entitled Arrogant Ladykiller MLC Twunt here?

Urgh!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5p_0cayp5s0

Hobbitwife001 · 07/04/2015 10:07

Hi all, yep it is our fault, as we are poisoning their minds against them by actually having the gall to tell them about their behaviour!
How shocking! Telling the truth is unheard of in Twuntland obviously [smlie]

It's not all roses in Hobbitland either, here's me bricking it about having to find a house and enough money to keep myself and youngest son, and FF and BF have gone on holiday, the week before our first joint mediation!
At least he'll have a tan eh? Got upset tbh, it just highlighted the difference between us, he swans off abroad leaving me to deal with youngests ongoing problems without any regard at all.

Green and Iwas , I feel your pain Sad

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:12

Below is an extract from an article in the Telegraph a few weeks ago about Jeremy Clarkson.......I read it to HRT. His reply was that it was probably written by a bitch with an axe to grind

That bitch is called life. Or is it Karma?
My ex may have referred to that article as being written by bitter menopausal women. Except that he wouldn't have refused to read such things in the first place. .......

"It is almost exactly a year since they divorced. Quelle surprise. A year is what it normally takes for a newly-single man with greyish pubes and love of red wine to hit the wall - or the bloke who works beneath him. Twelve months is enough time for the thrilling shock of sexual freedom to have worn off; the exhilaration of not having to explain oneself to wear off and for regret to seep in around the edges of a fraying ego."

Izzie595 · 07/04/2015 10:20

Hobbit,FF and TwuntGreen are the big I ams. Look at me with my nice fat salary, aren't I the keeper of the cash? Mine is like that too, although his idea of designer stops at M&S.

Think of it as him pissing away his settlement. Because by the time he gets stung for a big fat chunk of the marital property, his pension and his salary, he may consider himself to have been a bit hasty celebrating his reverse lottery