HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Rozalia you are right. We are sometimes attached/addicted to them like people are addicted to drugs - it doesn't mean they are good for us and our children. I'm beginning to recognise this thanks to this thread, that this 'attachment' isn't necessarily the same as love, although I would say I loved him still

It will get betterWiseone, I know how you are feeling and thinking, the wanting to know why and how they can do this can become all consuming, my ex said he didn't feel appreciated as well, didn't feel loved or wanted.

But it's just an excuse to justify their behaviour, their selfish actions overide everything else. Is there on OW on the scene that you know of?

My friend has been a family law solicitor for 30 years and she always says,
'Cherchez la femme'
You don't normally leave a marriage to be on your own,

Take care of yourself, others will be around to offer advice, x

wiseone your comment about being happy that you're not going mad feeling the way you do and that others feel/have felt the same as you is one of the many advantages of posting here. I have worried about my ability to remember anything at all recently and to function normally. My DCs have actually joked about senility, partly due to my increasing ludicrous excuses as to why I'm crying, been crying or about to cry. However, I've learnt that it's normal - a recognised temporary disease called spaghetti head. I believe it lasts a while but you recover from it eventually with relapses occurring less frequently over time.

Wiseone just to say welcome sorry but have a date with a plastic duck race in another city and have root touch up to wash out of hair so have to rush!

Hobbit not sunny here serves you right!!!

Morning all

Had a lovely day yesterday with my sons, my new streamlined family. Seeing my brother and SIL later today. It's a beautiful day here, but I'm going to finish fitting the rest of my kitchen units, which my wonderful brother will adjust for me. He would fit them for me if I asked, but it's not his job to mop up what the ex hasn't the decency to do.

I was going to say something else but......well, let's just say we all know what you are. I don't need to engage with you, but you have to live with your very spiteful self. Enjoy.

Fuckit I'm so sorry that things are so bleak at the moment. Thinking of you. As for court stuff, have you looked into self reppping? MrsC and WWK may be able to give you some advice there. Although I'm sure they will also be able to give advice on the position if you can't afford legal costs too. Sorry but I'm a novice there, I've yet to face that.

Wise welcome, yes this thread will definitely help you. You're far from alone, and you will recover. I'm glad you don't have financial worries, so at least you can concentrate on the self healing.

1 another step on the detachment road. It feels good, doesn't it?

Rozalia I think you are going to take over the world

Hobbit don't scowl at all of the customers. You never know who might walk through that door. Oh, and I forgot the irony of once, I think it was, who got chatted up at the supermarket. We must ask her which aisles are the best. Although I think we need to look closely at the contents of his basket. You can tell a lot from that. Apparently, it really is true that people go through the checkouts with just a packet of condoms and a can of whipped cream......maybe we should avoid hanging around the dairy produce!

Green I will PM you later.

Tabby KOKO

WWK hope all ok with you

iwas will no doubt be rushing around kitten proofing her house. Very exciting, bet you can hardly contain yourself.

Morning all, I won't say "Good" because for some it is a way off being good for some time. And that is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Firstly, a huge welcome to WiseOne. You're story is remarkably similar to mine (trailing spouse, moved to a new area, got abandoned!). So I understand how utterly isolated you must feel without the usual support mechanisms. So well done on getting through the first two months - the early months are nothing less than horrific.

Secondly, you describe something we all observe shortly after a break up: that every man and his dog is in a relationship so you feel like a social pariah. This is 'just' a quirk of the brain. Absolutely no one cares less that you're on your own but it will take you time to understand that. Absolutely no one can tell that you're husbandless, even if you feel like a beacon of loserville. And by the way, he's the loser. No you - but again, it will take a long time for him to realise that.

And really well done on the volunteering thing. That, hopefully, will be your life-saver. Also keep your eyes peeled for day/night courses (I studied a language), book clubs/quiz teams/walking groups etc - whatever floats your boat (to be honest - give it a go regardless, I've made some great friends from doing activities I wouldn't have considered before). Someone recommended for me 'meetup.com' which is a website for people looking for things to do from going to the cinema together, to cooking etc. It is not a dating site (phew!). My advice is force yourself out of the home as much as possible to pass the time. It is only time that lessens the pain, so try to keep it occupied whenever you can. When the depression stage hits (if it does) you need a routine to get you through.

As for the fear? Again, it lessons over time but it is the future that is so utterly terrifying for all of us - and pondering that is what we find so utterly debilitating. As much as you can, and whenever you can, "just" focus on getting through this morning, this afternoon, this evening. I can't say the fear has gone completely for me (although the panic attacks have gone now) but I ended up getting hypnotherapy for it (not really my usual cup of tea, but it was taking over my life so I was willing to try anything). I know others who are taking Beta-blockers or Anti-Anxiety meds, which I've seen transform their wellbeing as well. If you haven't already seen a doctor, put that on your to-do list. Also, if you feel able to: paint the bleeding house, or at least a bedroom, and buy new sheets, furniture, pictures, if you can. Don't ask me why this helps, but it just does.

And as for how he can just leave after 30 years? Answer supplied by Hobbit. Take care and KOKO.

Morning Izzie, you sound in good spirits

Yes I'm on the road to detachment. WWK would have been proud of me just now. HRT reminded me of his impending visit to solicitors this week. I didn't reply. He tried to engage again by mentioning mine and DCs phone contracts. Bless, he's not sure that he will be able to afford to pay them once he/I move out. His is of course paid for by employer. I calmly said that whatever is fine, but I'm not sure a judge would allow him to keep both his cars while refusing to pay for his children's phones. Goodness knows whether I'm right - let's hope so. Anyway, he scuttled off to mow the lawn leaving me in peace.

Glad you all seemed to enjoy my 12 reasons why the OW should be worried. It's good to give support rather than just receive it. I was pleased to hear that graduation ceremonies are something 'she's' no chance of attending.

13. She needs to be aware that he has an amazing ability to rewrite history to suit himself. Think it's overall a case of 'Buyer beware'!!!

Fuckit - sorry you're suffering today. Really feel your pain

Hobbit- hope most customers decide to stay in their gardens enjoying the sunshine rather than bother you.

Have a good day everyone, or at least the best day it's possible to have in our circumstances xx

Fuckit that sounds horrific. What a night! How is your son doing now? Trying to manage that and worrying about your divorce is way too much for anyone so do be kind to yourself and slow down a bit and focus on your son today.

When things are settled down a bit, then I would write to the mediator and inform them you can't afford the fees - they'll insist the other side pays them then (I've seen this happen a few times). However, have you heard of Novitas? If you have assets to sell/savings in place, they fund your litigation (albeit the interest rate is a shocker) but if it keeps you going it keeps you going. Likewise talk to the bank, who sometimes will do litigation loans.

ali/roz you're competely right: it is an addiction. Years of habit are difficult to knock on the head overnight. You're depending on them to validate yourselves as people but that assumes that there's something fundamentally flawed in you to begin with. There's not! That's them making you feel that way. Ali I've a gut feeling that yours will get nastier the more you detach - as I've a few of him being quite egocentric) - remember he's nasty, you don't deserve it. Keep detaching.

And Roz you've done your 'supporting spouse role' to your husband. It's 'bout time that caring compassionate person focuses all that quality on the person who needs it the most: yourself. You have my permission (not that you need it!!) to be the most selfish person on the planet for a while so that you heal quicker.

Fuckit I'm so sorry you must be beside yourself with worry. I hope your DS will make a full recovery and that maybe this will be a wake up call for him to be more sensible in future I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. Is there any chance your ex might step up and actually give your DS some decent practical help now that things have got so serious?

Hobbit with a hangover? Now there's a idea handing your mediation session: get her pissed as a fart the night before mediation and then you can growl your opinion of Mr LycraCock's most 'generous' offer.

Morning Izzie so you're back doing up the kitchen again? I don't believe you. I bet like all them politishun peeps you've got at least two kitchens in your mansion. Next you'll be posing for Hello! magazine...

Bobs what the hell is a plastic duck race? I mean I heard of them in the bath but for crying out loud, what next? Teeth cleaner of the month competition?

He has two cars you say ali? Sorry love, I am going to correct you on absolutely every single assumption you make that's wrong.

He had two cars. He only needs one. T'other one is yours. Sorry about that, but that be divorce - and you 'need' a car living so rurally...

1 I think your detached reactions will come as a shock to him he probably expects you to be clinging onto him begging him not to go and having the ego boost of two women wanting him. Many times I've used that line 'the judge certainly won't allow that' bluffing but sounding like the ultimate authority on divorce. I was probably right in all the things I said anyway as it was usually in response to something unfair that he thought he could get away with.

tabby I think you're right. He doesn't like the 'new' me. I did way too much begging and sobbing. I know that now. Not going to happen again. He's not seen me cry for a day or two. I walk away.

wwk I think he could get nasty too. I would never accuse him of abuse but he has been known to use the phrase "I'm the man in this house" and has got a nasty temper at times and a short fuse - although he used to frequently be kind and loving too. His children are gentle souls thankfully and I know they'd probably say he can be overbearing towards them though. He was great with them when they were little - lots of fun days out and games etc. been less tolerant of them in the teenage years.

On the car front, he came off his company car scheme a while ago and bought 2 cars instead. One is a sensible family type car but the other is a sporty number. Caused friction at the time but he persuaded me that it would be a car for us to enjoy together. What a laugh..... I've got a car. Not as flash as either of his though. Funny that.

Anyway he's had a strop because we're out of milk. That spaghetti head again..... I'm going to jump in car and go and find some. I bet he thinks it's because he's annoyed - it's actually a good excuse to get out

Don't even joke about my kitchen. That cunt has passively aggressively left it to me to do. It is the biggest way he has got back at me. He has refused, or rather ignored, every single request made by his son to help me. He knew damn well I would struggle big time with this.

He's no better than Sid or plemty of the others on here. His way is avoidance. Not man enough to say fuck off, I'm not going to do what you asked. No, he just ignores. I have a stack of emails asking him for access to stuff. None of them were answered. Yet he was down on me like a ton of bricks when I dared do anything financial. The laptop, he has been witholding that for four months.

Hie is controlling in so many ways. The biggest one being the car, which he told me I had to have his permission for, to check over before joint funds were used. Yet he spends double on his car without reference to me.

When he saw me getting on with things, he thought he would ramp it up by taking some very large tools. This implies major work. Yes, he had to let me know he was doing DIY round there. He is trying to rub my nose in things just as much as old Sid, except he is coming at it from a different perspective. But then I must say I respect Sid more for the fact that at least he's an out and out bastard. In contrast to the wimp who hides behind things, passively aggressively doing his stuff, but always leaves that get out clause of deniability. I can't stand underhand people. Those who try to maintain a veneer of respectability and try to sanitise the unpalatable truth. Who conveniently forget certain things because admittance would be his admittance of what he actually is.

I'm not even going to read this shit back before posting. I'm having trouble fitting something. DS2 has gone off in a hump because I've let rip. Well fuck him, I'm allegedly on holiday and I've worked my arse off. He's just sat on his. Yah and so I slagged off the sperm donor to him. Why not? He is fully aware from past events that his so called father chose her over him. It's nothing he doesn't already know. I will vent when I want. Same as his dad cheated when he wanted.

Fuck the lot of them.

The sooner these units are done the better, this is the worst job by far. I may just ask my brother to finish off for me. Got no choice at the moment, because it's a two man job and DS2 has deserted me.

WWK sorry, I've had a sense of humour bypass today

Well I've had enough now. I got the window cleaning bill for the other place. PA Notarealman expects to pay himself so he can keep details. Sad fucker. Well, the window cleaner is not Mr Organised, and has forgotten to include PAN in on the email. So sod it, I've just paid it, not bothered forwarding it to PAN. It's only a small thing, but I'm not playing the game today. He doesn't get it all his own way. And if he's such a lord and master, then he can finish the fucking kitchen, can't he? He can't expect me to cooperate with his stupid endless record keeping when I've been promoted to kitchen fitter, electrician and whatever else lands here.

BUT but but but but.........there is no way on earth I am going to let rip at him directly. I'm not giving him the satisfaction. Because when you're dealing with a fuckwit, well.......why deal with a fuckwit??

Rant over. For now. But I suspect I will be back later....

Oh Izzie, if I knew the first thing about kitchens I'd come and help myself. What a complete swine. The more I read about your XOH's (twunts - I forgot)the more I wonder whether I should try again with HRT.....Joking...... He apologised when I got back with milk (and more chocolate/wine) but I'm not fooled......

You are right to be mightily pissed off. I'd let your brother help? I know what you mean about it not being his responsibility but desperate times call for desperate measures?? Kitchens aren't exactly luxuries in 2015 after all...

Read everyone's XOHs rather than just your XOHs - I'm assuming you don't have lots of them??

Oh Izzie I'm virtually holding your hand. You rant and vent to your hearts content. Get your brother in on the job if he'll help. I'm sure it can't be easy to sort out so many kitchens in a mansion of your size

I'm feeling a little strung out today. Not quite with it but I keep telling myself that I will be ok. I will!

Hello been lurking for sometime now, stbx left July(would give details of why but not sure of how much I can say on that) together 35 years married for 30years, dd28 dds's 25, one DS with me other two dont like me(STBX'S regular involvement and contact)? stbx worked here on daily basis (apparently to pay bills on MH) have had police involvement but didnt go through with non mol due to costs, also he reported me(not sure what for) reading all your posts, which are very sad, makes me think this is how most men act when they lose control

Thanks to everyone who has commented on my posts ( apologies for not commenting individually) - thanks to WWK for echoing what I feel - it's not just me ! Phew....I did go out today but it was a bit of a wrong move - too many families, couples etc out on a lovely Easter Monday - and ended up feeling a bit teary which I don't normally do as I feel as if I have little emotion left in my body after the past few years of trying to please and walking on eggshells. I also think the glass of wine that I had didn't help as it was effectively breakfast although it was gone 12 noon.

There is no OW ( there was several years ago) as he is just too effing wrapped up in his own misery and self for that! No room for anyone else in his mind but him and his feelings.

I did see a doctor twice but they wouldn't give me anything other than sleeping pills for 2 weeks in the beginning. It is like being an alcoholic - one day at a time. I have looked at the Meet Up site and there are several things on in the town I live in. I may give it a go.

By the way I LOVE all the crazy names on here - so many good ones.

I am going to do very little this evening and just vegetate in front of the TV. Only wish it was Sunday night again so I can watch Mr Poldark

Hi fuckit. Hope your DS is better and gets the help he needs - or rather realises he needs help.

I've had a pleasant afternoon watching 2,500 plastic ducks floating through the water in aid of charity with my niece and nephew (glad mine are older now though!) looking forward to Thai curry cooked by DB and waiting to be offered wine (will make broad hint soon!!!)

Normal service resumed - he heard my thoughts - wine glass in hand

Awwww... That's nice bobs
It's been a lovely day here in the arse end of nowhere, unfortunately I have been working through most of it. But gonna have a curry and some wine with some good mates, and enjoy the rest of the evening.

Cheers lovely ladies! May their genatalia wither and rot away!

The twunts and ow's of course, not yours catch y'all later. Xx