HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Roz you're coming on in leaps and bounds, you sound so strong and focused, well done for all your new discoveries and endeavours.

What strikes me about the OW in your case is that she had the same thing done to her. Anyone who then goes on to do that to someone else, knowing the full impact on the wife and children is absolutely vile.

You certainly are Roz.

Don't know if my twunt is with OW or not. Doesn't really matter. But as far as morals go, she doesn't appear to have any. Her now ex husband was married with an infant when she had an affair with him. He left his then wife and eventually married OW. Some years and 3 children later she had an affair with my husband. Hers discovered the affair after a month and she walked out to be with my husband. He didn't leave for over 2 years later. The affair went on for another 8 months at least, but as he is obviously a liar, who knows.
So having been involved in the break up of 3 marriages, I wouldn't say OW has much in the way of morals. Neither does her first husband nor my husband. A bunch of cheaters who can abandon their children when a new shag comes along.
I'd rather be me.

BTW, several people told me OW is frumpy, dumpy and dull. I accidentally came across a photo of her ( it had been emailed to me a couple of years ago as part of a job application and I'd forgotten all about it). And she did look frumpy and dumpy. Don't know about dull, but she was good at being adoring and "giving everything up for you".

Brilliant list 1 . Re graduations - well DC only get 2 allocated tickets don't they and then have to apply for more, so once all your family get their tickets there won't be any left for any OW (and it's the student who has to apply for them!)

Roz "He also complained that I don't ever contact him" Really? Poor diddumms

Hobbit That big pension is half yours - she only gets the left-overs including him

Roz well she's a classy lady! isn't she?

A lot of the OWs are a poor comparison to the wife. I think it speaks volumes about the self confidence or otherwise of the man. Certainly in my case it's very obvious no sane man would go within miles of her. A friend of mine, a male who had been around the block a few times, said to me that with all the stuff my ex knew about her in a very short space of time, he should have run for the hills. Well he certainly tried a number of times. The last time, he told her father and her crisis team that he was going to dump her ASAP. And then spent that day taking her to hospital because she had an all day panic attack when he told her. Haha. And she got him back by telling him she had cancer. Oh please! Not a pair of kinky boots in sight, just a white coat.....

1 thank you for the OW list, very true and very helpful. Hope you are enjoying the wine!

Hobbit hopefully the thought of the mediation session will be worse than the reality although I totally understand how nervous you must be feeling about seeing him again. However, scared you are that you won't get your fair share settlement wise just remember that you have WWK on your side. I don't think they do guilt. x

Font that was a very tidy desk earlier. I was expecting to see mountains of paper and clutter when you said it was a shithole and lots of empty wine bottles

Rozalia you are doing really well. I think you will end up being much happier than you were with him if you don't mind me saying. You can now live your life the way you want to without someone telling you what you can and can't do. Lovely that you had a good day with new friends. x

Rozalia the OW in your case sounds dreadful, she clearly hasn't got a shred of decency about her. I think we would all rather than you are you too. x

Bobs yes same here re graduation. Don't think OW will be getting a ticket somehow!

Izzie yes the OW in your situation is vile too. Think Choosy-Floozie could do with a white coat if she "adores" Sid knowing what he is like, think she's got the kinky boots though.

iwas at least in years to come you can say your ex risked his marriage for some hot sex. Which sounds a lot better than saying he risked it to support the mentally ill

iwas there is only so much Sid can do to try to get to you. The holiday is a big stunt, following on from the night away. I'm not sure how much more he can pull out to flaunt that stuff. He's just a typical caught out cheat. And when they know there's no way back, they get nasty. The joke, if only they knew it, is on them. The way I see it, any nastiness from their quarter is a gift. It reinforces the decision not to take them back. And let's face it, if they were happy with their current situations, they would just move on instead of trying to punish the wife

Izzie it looks like I have Sid and you have Hattie Jacques then!

Thank you, yes he does seem to be trying to flaunt their relationship now, rubbing my nose in it just to be nasty. But you are right the nastier and more spiteful he is the more he helps me to detach. I'd just rather it didn't have to be this way, I hate the game playing and nastiness that he seems to want to indulge in. We both wanted to keep it amicable, what a joke that has turned out to be!

Hattie Jacques haha.

I know, the game playing is totally unnecessary. We all would have hoped that they would have shown some respect after their actions, but sadly none of them are man enough to apologise or make amends. Remember the MLC script, it is all our fault!

The Lebanon

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m.youtube.com/watc...

The Lebanon

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3n3tjP9_do

So much easier to do links on ipad!

Just found this thread - don't know how I missed it..just posting to say that the morning is the worst time for me - every day. How do I get rid of the fear? The fear of - the future? I guess that is what it is? It is there in the pit of my stomach when I wake every morning. It is nearly 2 months since my husband walked out on me without saying anything.My life has been changed in one fell swoop and I have been left alone in a place we just moved to 6 months ago for retirement and where I only have 2 friends. Children are grown and live elsewhere. I am 60 later this year and have been out of the job market for 20 + years due to living abroad. I am just so very lonely and afraid. I just need some kind words this morning

WiseOne, I only started posting on here a couple of days ago and I'm so glad I found this thread. Full of women at different stages in the same journey and full of compassion, understanding and humour.
I know what you mean about mornings. I wake up and think "What???? What happened? What do I do?".
I lay there this morning thinking that I don't his presence in my bed.
By the time I have coffee brewing and I go outside to let the hens out I feel better. Not necessarily great mind.

I've been out the job market a long, long time too. I got my part time job now and I'm going to make the most of the opportunity but I get panicky and angry at the financial uncertainty I have for now too.

Do you have to stay living where you are now? Any chance of returning back to where you lived before, if you'd want to? It's so hard that he walked out at a time you were starting a new life together, or so you thought.

This is a great thread, I hope you keep posting. They swear and eat chocolate and everything.

I don't miss his presence in my bed.

Theoldwiseone hello and welcome. I'm relatively new too but have found much comfort from the wonderful souls who post and support on this thread. You've come to the right place. I agree with you about the mornings. They are the worst for me too. The only thing that I can say, before someone who's on the road back out of what can only be called a living hell appears to offer you some words of wisdom, is that I know, deep deep down (and I rarely admit it even to myself) that I am better off without him. You surely are too if he can behave in such a cruel and callous way?

I've just noticed - I wrote 'am' better off without him - even though he is physically downstairs. A few days ago I would have said 'will be'. Every day now I detach more. I know now I wouldn't have him back - even though he's not actually gone - progress me thinks....

wiseone I see the support has stated already That means your journey to a better place has started too.

A lovely sunny day here today and I'm working on the same outdoor project I was yesterday. Only without the numb feet today. It was cold.

I realised yesterday - nothing like this thread for clarifying thought - that what I feel for my Twunt is a combination of attachment and addiction. I noticed not long before he left that I would start craving contact with him every few hours. Probably because he was usually in contact every few hours, for 19 years. Firstly to keep an eye on what I was doing then latterly to make sure I wouldn't find out what he was doing.

So I have been resisting getting in touch with him, text or call, since. I decided to go "cold turkey". It's got gradually easier and easier, though not necessarily easy. Though frankly, easier to give up than chocolate. But on the other hand chocolate doesn't text you berating you for not eating it lately.

Another day of lessening cravings and ignoring them if they happen. I will get over this bastard.

Happy Easter Monday, my new friends.

Welcome Wiseone , we've all felt that way, that panic you feel about your future, you're not alone.
I still wake up some days and think WTAF? He did that to me? And I'm six months down the line. It just shows that you're a human being, not some strange automaton. It sounds like typical MLC behaviour to me although he is a little older than usual, just shows there's no upper limit for being an arsehole eh?

Is the house owned? Do you have a pension to draw down from? Can you move back to be near to family and friends?

Lots to take in I know, at the point in time when you are least able to deal with the stress of it. Keep talking to us my love, there are no barriers here, feel free to say what you feel, when you feel it, no judgement calls on this thread, x

Thanks all.
Since I wrote this I have washed the kitchen and bathroom floors! Kitchen was covered in coffee due to an accident with a thermal mug. My mind may be going into overdrive but at least I am doing something constructive. I guess the holiday makes it worse - I do try to go out but as someone else has said you see so many couples and families out there and I end up thinking that I will never have those days again . I wonder if I appreciated them at the time...? I also find that I look with interest at other couples of my age and look at them - are they happy? Many of them don't look it.

I can't go back to living where I was before as it was abroad and dependent on a job - his. I have been a trailing spouse for nearly 20 years and now am reaping the rewards - not! At times I feel bad as I am living in a place we own and I will be OK financially when it is over . It is just the sheer SOLITUDE of the days. I have applied for a voluntary job in an area of a hobby of mine so am hopeful that I will get somewhere with that.

How can someone you have been with for 30 years just cut you out of their life like that? The life that was the aim of all the work years? The retirement ? The spending time travelling? Seeing more of your children and in the future grandchildren? All of this because he wasn't praised enough for what he did for us?

I am going to go out today - its supposed to be a nice day . I know I am fortunate to have my health and the ability to even go out. It's still all very difficult.

Thanks again x

Arrrrgggghh... Easter schmeaster! Hobbits got a hangover, it's suunny out and I've got to go to work until five! Boo!

Just gonna take my Easter egg in with me, and scowl at the customers

How very dare they want assistance? And did I mention it was sunny?

PS I am so happy ( but that is not the word really ) to know that I am not going mad and that there are others who know how I feel - although I would not wish that on my worst enemy !

Internet access is tricky right now so tho I have read up on thread it has taken all day yesterday to be able to connect properly.

Perfect supportive sons? Son number two in hospital last night treated for a heart attack after a cocaine OD. That is the sone who has just been bought anew car (weapon of destruction despite me asking his dad not too).

Brother will lend for mediation but I will be screwed. I can't afford court and he knows it. I will be in rented for ever unless I live with my mother (would rather be dead). I can't so that.
The ow is ugly inside and out. Of course they did not mean to hurt anyway in fact are so lovely they tried not to but their love for each other was too much to ignore. Her accidental (planned for 6 years) oregancy is what has messed everything for me and the boys.

The middle lad is a wild one with no braked but nonetheless I blame stbx for a lot. We live in a very well off area, the kind of place where youngsters buy Cocaine in preference to alcohol (although son two has also been hospitalised due to alcohol OD). Fizz is the drink of choice, posh vodka the second choice. This is the underbelly of a naice place.

I am scared of everything. Most of all the future. What the guck so people so when they so not have the money to fight. Renting a three bed here is more than my entire salary.
The pity party continues. I don't say a way out.