HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Whyme as the mum of a teenager whose mind has been thoroughly messed with by his dad I do believe that in time they develop the maturity to recognise the truth from the lies, to recognise the straight forward from the manipulation, to recognise the one with their best interests at heart from the one who wants to use them as a pawn. Keep doing your best for her even if it doesn't feel like enough, keep being honest with her even if she doesn't want to listen. Mine isn't there yet but I can see the signs that he is starting to gain that maturity and your DD will too eventually.

Why I can testify to that re children. Mine are adults. They are under no illusions about things. There is no chance of them being taken in by Disney dads

So sorry to hear you're going through this Whyme. Can only echo what pps have said. My children are all adults and none of them are taken in by husband at all. Teenagers can be bloody hard, whatever's going on in their lives. If you keep on being the same steady, loving parent you've been all along, your daughter will eventually recognise it.

This is so hard though

Teenagers can be bloody hard, whatever's going on in their lives. If you keep on being the same steady, loving parent you've been all along, your daughter will eventually recognise it.

My kids were young when I split from my ex. Apart from one 'emotional' conversation with my then 8 year old son about why I wanted daddy to 'move out', I can honestly swear hand on heart that they have figured everything out for themselves.

As it turned out I left the family home with what I could pack in a van, and drove 300 miles leaving a four bedroomed house for a 1 bedroomed flat. My kids got taken from a first language Welsh speaking school to a very English speaking one, where there was next to no recognition or acknowledgment of Welsh culture. I find it very sad that on such a small island we are supposed to be so PC about ethnic minorities who move here, and yet know next to nothing about the people who have shared these islands for centuries and somehow that seems to be perfectly acceptable? But then I guess that's a subject for a different forum ... so I'll get off my soapbox.

But yes, your children will figure it out for themselves. My kids, now 22 and 19 love their dad, and I wouldn't have it any other way .. but they are also under no illusions, and they know who it is who has brought them up.

I know that I will never the same again, but I'm telling myself that I'll be ok.

It doesn't happen overnight. "Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger"

What sort of cunt leaves his wife with a dismantled kitchen, leaving her no choice but to finish it off, ignoring every single request by his youngest son to help? Yet does DIY round the home of the bitch who dragged that son and his mother to social services on a trumped up malicious allegation, knowing what I do for a living, and being a primary school teacher herself.

The same cunt that offers to sort out my itunes because all the major changes I made on it in summer were on the laptop he refuses to bring round for me to delete my stuff.

Well if I can finish off a major refurb myself, having had a baptism of fire I to the world of DIY beyond the odd paint job.......I can sort out my own itunes eventually, you fucking cowardly dick.

Neither I, nor his sons will ever forget or forgive this.

Yes I'm trying to refit the remaining stuff now.

May he rot in hell for everything he's done to me and MY sons. He's not fit to be called their father.

How many times has he texted since he left "I'm not a bad person", "I'm not a dastardly person".

No, he thinks he's a martyr, he left to save the kids from further distress. Really. Perhaps Relate and trying to work on his marriage may have been more productive? Well, as he's a martyr, perhaps he would like to do what martyrs do best......which is to fuck off and die

Thank you!

Here's one for the ex. The great stonewaller. Shagger of Nutty Nora

Oh and gob on you......

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCGf3B_JSN4

Ha! Izzie s got the rage now
Feel a little unsettled now, I have seen them both twice today, once in his car, and once when I was out with my eldest with the dog, they both walked past on their way to the pub, I know they saw us, but rushed quickly past,
Cowards! Couldn't even look at us!

I so can't wait to get my chance to rip into them, up to now I haven't really done that, have thought it best to keep my dignity. But when the settlement is sorted I will say what I think. I am good with words, and have written down everything I want to put across, my counsellor advised me to get it all out on paper. I have also been able to do that on this thread, it has saved my sanity when I reached rock bottom and thought I couldn't stand the pain of their betrayal any more.

And although I did feel gutted to see them together, I didn't cry and felt some measure of 'meh' , not a whole lot of 'meh' but enough to know that I have made some progress.

But shit, this is so hard isn't it?

Can you please share how you get to the land of 'meh'?? any tips welcome! When I get there I intend to build a house, move in and live inside it!!!

Bloody Sid is taking Not-So-Choosy-Floozie on holiday, they go next Thursday and come back on the Monday. My children have known for a couple of days but didn't want to upset me by telling me. I'd given anything just to have a month or so where nothing horrible or upsetting happens - getting a bit fed up with it now.

iwas think of it as they are out of your way for a while.

Izzie re your ex's text comments Sid doesn't think he's a bastard neither. Yes, because cheating on me throughout our marriage and lying for our entire relationship and being spiteful, selfish and nasty are the actions of a really thoughtful man.

Hobbit it's horrid when you see them isn't it? Least your ex and OW have had the good grace (I use that term very loosely) to look awkward. OW has waved at me and tried to chat to me (because she's so sorry - yes course she is) when I've seen her!

You are right about the thread saving our sanity - thank you. Do you think in years to come when it's Hobbit's Bar Part 86 (and we hopefully don't need to post on it anymore) the posters then will be saying "I wonder why it was called Hobbit's Bar?!"

Great that you had some degree of meh x

Once I would like some meh tips too!

Izzie yes I suppose I won't have to see his smirking face for a few days and I can relax at work on Friday. I just need some tips to avoid thinking about them shagging their way around the place they are going.

Hi once , I said some measure of 'meh' my love, not a whole bunch of 'meh' , it still hurt, but not as much as it would have done a few months ago.

I think I have come to the realisation that I will be ok, if I didn't have to worry about losing my house and having no money for myself and more importantly for my son, I would be better emotionally. I don't mourn the loss of the man tbh, he's really nothing special, it's just the way it was done was so horrible, it has scarred me, and damaged my sense of well being.

It will come for you, I know you long for it, we all do, take care, x

Ps, well, yet again Sid and the floozy show what a pair of twunts they are Iwas my love, and how horrible for him to tell your children, and put the burden of that knowledge that he knew would hurt you on them. He is a despicable oaf, I really think you need to crack on with the divorce, and seperate your ties to him.

Hobbit thank you. I felt much the same as you today; it still hurt but not as much as it would have done a month or two back. I would have been in bits then.

To be fair to Sid(!!) it doesn't sound like he was intending to tell the children, my daughter suggested they do something next weekend and he told her he couldn't and she asked him why. The divorce is progressing, he's signed the divorce papers and admitted adultery. But, we do need to discuss finances further but we're hardly talking at the moment so it's a bit awkward. How are you getting on?

iwas just think how ridiculous they look as a couple. He is old enough to be her father. I have never even see OW, I must be unique in that. All I know is what he told me. Chubby And frumpy. Considering he has no dress sense himself, the mind boggles.

I know Izzie they do, thanks. Wish I had never seen OW!

As it's Easter we seem to have Nutty Nora Chubby Bunny then! She might end up boiling herself.

I would have done a bunny emotion but none of them looked chubby and frumpy enough...

On the OW front, and in my case I don't know whether there is one, although I strongly suspect there is - lurking or crawling around somewhere, I have a few thoughts that might help:

1. She'll never sleep soundly again because he obviously can't be trusted - if he could leave a much loved wife ( whatever he says now) he could certainly leave her - a MLC fling.
2. He'll never be truly happy on high days and holidays because his much loved children will probably be with their mother and not him. If they are with him, he'll feel guilty and they'll feel resentful.
3. Weddings, graduations and other family celebrations will always be an ordeal as his children will resent her presence and/or wish she wasn't there.
4. He'll never love her children like he does his own.
5. She has to live with everyone knowing she's a marriage wrecker.
6. She only ever knew him as a middle aged man developing a middle aged spread and not as the lovely young man and lover that he once was.
7. Decent women don't take other people's husbands under any circumstances - unless they're desperate or amoral.
8. Her friends won't trust her around their husbands.
9. Every holiday they go on together, she'll wonder whether he took his wife and family there.

10. She'll worry that he'll go off her as her 'bits' start to go south as they don't have the shared history that he has with his wife - he didn't see her give birth after all. Her 'bits' are also, let's not forget, pretty much the only thing that attracted him in the first place. 11. His parents will always regard his wife as their daughter in law and not her. 12. She'll never be a much loved aunty to his much loved nieces and nephews.

I could go on...... Sorry if I'm rambling. Too much vino!!

Ps thank you for the faultless advice and support again today. KOKO all. xx

I have my first joint mediation meeting on the 14th my love, that's going to be a barrel of laughs I'm sure,

He thinks he's being so generous giving me half, anyway, he's not 'giving' me anything, I'm entitled to that anyway after such a long marriage, it's already half my house he's 'giving' me.

I'm scared though, scared it won't work out for me, he has no remorse, and if he's feeling guilty, he ain't showing it.

I could go on...... Sorry if I'm rambling. Too much vino!!

Too much vino or not, that's a great post!

My twunt said I was being hostile and unpleasant this morning. This was because I sent him a text to let him know I'd be out and how he could access the stuff he "needed". A perfectly ordinary text that no-one else would take exception to. I guess I was hostile and unpleasant because I don't just stay on standby until he turns up.
He also complained that I don't ever contact him. I'm thinking he doesn't really grasp what separation and divorce really involve.

Apart from that I had a good day with new friends doing stuff I'm really interested in.

I wouldn't say it isn't sometimes hard not to contact him or that I don't feel hurt. But I'm behaving, as best I can, in a way that will help me emotionally detach. He's a great wallower in emotion and would love to keep rehashing things and going over and over the same ground. I want to get on and have my ultimate revenge. That being a life well lived.

I've managed to exercise 4 days in a row. So not exactly a life time habit but again part of reclaiming my life. Twunt kept such a close eye on my calorie consumption and weight that I'm surprised I didn't develop an eating disorder. My weight has fluctuated wildly. Right now I could do with losing a stone, but I am rediscovering eating and exercising for myself rather than being monitored by twunt.

You know, I think he just saw me as a function of his issues, an adjunct to his personality. Not as a person in my own right, with my very own likes and dislikes and thoughts and feelings. Any appearance of the Real Roz had to be stamped on or ignored. I've got a lot of discovering to do.

Heaven help his next victim.

Some good points there 1, although you are counting on the OW having the same morals and sense of decency that we do, and that just ain't the case in their heads.
In my case, she thinks they have this 'great love' that although she tried to overcome her feelings for someone else's husband, it was just too strong and she couldn't help falling for him. She looked me in the eye and asked about my children, feigning friendship and concern for my youngest, and all the while was shagging him behind my back.

What a load of bastardy, bloody bollocks! Selfish cow just saw a meal ticket didn't she? A big pension! She targeted him, and I know he's totally to blame as well, but if she hadn't encouraged him at every opportunity, the MLC fool wouldn't have pursued her, and I wouldn't be facing this shit!

So true, 1. In my case numbers 3 and 10 don't count. The kids have made it clear they will never have anything to do with her. She doesn't exist in their eyes. And as for looks, well he went out looking for someone to spite me. He's always made it clear that he finds me physically attractive. Clearly he needs to go to Specsavers

iwas chubby bunny boiler sums it up nicely. I should be grateful to her though. She's saving us a fortune in rent. I knew he wouldn't go stay with his dad.

Hobbit it's all a front with him. Remember what WWK said. It's not for him to decide. I know it's a horrible thing to have to go through but this is one area where he most definitely doesn't not have the luxury of indulging his wants and needs only