HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Green come on, PM time......

Absolutely a pic each day would be brilliant. You are allowed to repeat previous pics, though.

And I think she looks lovely even without dressing up unlike me, haha

Don't forget today is her starring role. Didn't Mary Magdalene meet Jesus when he rose from the dead?

Here's our mascot today, I'd like to thank DS1 for the camera skills, and the many biscuits who made the supreme sacrifice just so we could have LOLs.

Morning all. Happy Easter

Rozalia- you've been through such a lot. You sound like an amazing person and now seem to be totally on the right track. Hats off to you and all you ladies who are coming out on the other, and decidedly brighter, side of this nightmare. I'm just starting off into the tunnel but am determined to make it through to the other side with my family, (minus twunt1- whom I will never forgive- MLC or not), my job, my self esteem and sanity (hopefully) all in tact. You're right Rozalia, about being able to write things on here, it helps enormously.

WWK- me and the children are not the problem, me and the children are not the problem. Sorry, it should probably be, the children and I are not the problem, the children and I are not the problem. Thank you. I will keep saying it but I've done so much analysing and replaying of our lives in my mind looking for a reason that it's hard to believe that it's as simple as him being the reason. I haven't suffered the kind of abuse within my marriage that several of you have but it has always annoyed me that he's always compared us, our relationship and family to our other people's. Mostly unfavourably. When I worked part time for a few years, he wanted me to work full time like so and so. When I worked full time, he wanted me to put him first more like so and so. Even on holidays he would say things like he wished I could do more of the driving like so and so.....(I drive a lot but don't enjoy it - he loves it). The children have often asked me,if they've done well at something, whether I think dad will be pleased. If they've not done well it's always, please don't tell dad. Your advice is fab WWK and it's really working for me. Thank you. (The children and I are not the problem)

The telly thing is a huge bonus to OH avoiding the family home. I actually prefer the radio a lot of the time but am having a lot of pleasure in watching the 'crap' that is disapproved of normally.

Although I'm still doing the washing/drying - it's being done with less tlc!! His current bugbear is non matching socks. Oh dear.....

I've heard nothing at all from him and so am beginning to wonder whether once did push him over a cliff. Refuse to be worried. Refuse to be worried. Detach, detach, detach. B***d. I bet he's not even gone to his parents. He knows I'd never ring them to check as they are dear,dear people who don't deserve a twunt for a son and it would send them into meltdown if they though he'd told me he was there but wasn't.

Enough from me. Another essay. Now, where's the chocolate. I can hear movement from a teenager's bedroom.....

Ps Jess is so cute. A great mascot.

izzie hello how r u - you have made me laugh! - I am about a week behind with what I should be doing - but have caught up in 1 or 2 areas of my life

Happy Easter everyone. Feeling a lot bit delicate this morning. Had a lovely evening last night, nice meal, lots of wine, good company and laughter. It was great and worth the hangover!

Loving the photos of Jess, Hobbit.

Jess lol. Oh bless, I can't stop laughing.

She's adorable. And that look on her face that says WTF!!

Well, thanks to the wonderful Izzie , that's me, for deciding on and nominating a mascot. Another of my many achievements on this thread along with the original name of "Hobbit's Bar", and of course christening "Sid" , as it were

Thanks also to our Welsh Dafyd Bailey for capturing this momentous event

Thanks to William Gates Boyo for helping Hobbit with the technicalities of posting songs etc

Thank you to Hobbit for training and supplying our cutie mascot. Who now ranks it up there with Schmieical, Roly, Eccles and of course Harvey.

And thank you to the star of the show,the inimitable sausage loving, biscuit snuffling, take no shit, glamour puss herself.......Jess.

Jess I luffs you xxxx today i think i luffs you more than my own beloved puss who woke me at 5.30am because the birds were awake and she wanted to go out and terrorise them.

LOL at the mismatched socks. I think I'd leave his washing in a stincking pile for him to do himself but failing that you can have a laugh mismatching his precious socks.

I have found that when you tell people in RL they are very sympathetic and they always have a similar story that they have either suffered themselves or someone close to them, they will tell you a tragic story that they would otherwise have kept quiet about and will often want to help and offer practical support.

Happy Easter all.

why he really is a prick, isn't he? It seems like he is losing the battle, though, even if it doesn't feel like that to you. I find it has helped me when The twat has got arsey, to at least give the appearance of staying calm and rising above it. It's not easy to do.....at the time......but later on, you can have enjoy having got the upper hand. Believe me, nothing is worse than being ignored when spoiling for a fight

Green come on, spill the beans, Miss Twinkle

iwas I'm surprised you have a hangover. Surely the amount of chocolate you've consumed should have soaked up all the alcohol

And my Easter message.....mixing religions here, but thinking Karma......Jesus was the only man to rise from the dead lol. So watch out, all you twunts....

This was and still is to a certain extent my song.

Some of you may gain comfort from it.

Izzie I will have you know that I haven't had any chocolate today yet

Thank you for the song Weebirdie, it's a nice song and the lyrics are apt and positive.

iwas are you sure you have any left?? And I get you about what you would have been doing if he was still there. Yes, I enjoy that freedom to do as I want, when I want. And not having to live by his routines and regulations. Sorry, jumping threads here. Must be the izzietini I'm having now. Actually it's an izzietini minus the wine.....

Medical update: thumb seems reasonable, throat is ok, my tooth seems to have settled again, almost, and I'm still alive after multiple doses of ibuprofen yesterday

Just ordering a photo to mark the momentous occasion of 30 years of marriage. So, Hobbit can you sort out an appropriate costume for lovely Jess to mark the occasion? Date 4 May. I'm very excited.....about the photo. And of course this is a photo that can be recycled for all...

I don't have any net curtains to give you, but I could send some frozen sausages in the post. Frozen so they will still be fresh when you get them....

long overdue catch up

I have caught up with some of the thread apologies ladies for generic reply - I started off posting to all of you individually but having been off here for a few days can see the behavioural patterns so clearly.

I want to say this - if you have not read the old threads you may get some relief from doing so - you new ladies will see that we have all been
where you are now- wondering how we ended up here & why we are being treated as we are - IT IS NOT US - IT IS THEM - there is lots of links on EA & would agree about speaking to Womens Aid - having someone listen to you that fully gets all this helps you come to terms with it - I have bought the books and read them all - my mindset has completely changed!

hobbit/bobs - read my posts coming up to 2nd mediation - i was on the floor most days - how you are feeling is completely normal.

Sadly my gut feeling is that all you ladies will end up going down the court route.

izzie & well speak some great sense - both have come a long way- look for the simple things to get pleasure from each day - even if its just noticing the daffodils - take one baby step at a time - each day you get through is a step in the right direction.

Loving the idea of the group strutt - ladies get this in your head for upcoming mediations - i was in the same place as you - but it is a hurdle - it is just something else to get through - we have all got through days like this - expect nothing - dont expect it to be agreed - go with wells worse case scenario.

Ladies just keep on believing that things will get better - keep hold of this thought and it will - it could just be that the next minute is going to be better than the last one - I am no way near the end of this - i have the hardest part yet to face - but I have lost my fear - whatever happens was meant to be -I cant change any of it - I have to accept it & believe that good will come out of this

KOKOXXX

Izzie yes it helps me to think that I had a better evening last night than I would have done if we were still married.

I expect that will be quite hard having a significant anniversary as the first one after you have split up. Mine is the 29th April will be 26 years. When we had our Silver Wedding anniversary last year I never would have thought that we'd be in the process of getting divorced for the next one.

Green you seem in a really good place which is great. Yes what you say about reading the old threads is a good idea, I recall that you were really in the pits of despair with a lot of your early posts on here and now look at you. It does change from literally being on the floor and not even functioning properly to start to feel a little normal occasionally. By normal I just mean that you feel like a human being sometimes, not some woman on autopilot who has no idea what she is doing. Then you have a few hours here and there were you actually feel okay and that turns into a day here and there and then the better days become more frequent. It's very gradual and you don't actually feel that you are making progress but when you look back you realise you were.

Last December I ended my marriage and was in pieces, the same day I found out my husband had cheated on me throughout my marriage in addition to the ongoing affair that I had recently discovered and then found he'd moved in with the OW next door to me. Those circumstances are still the same obviously but I feel stronger than I did then and more able to deal with it all. So yes it still hurts like hell but it does get easier and although I don't think I will ever get over what he has done I do believe that at some point it will cease to matter as much as it does at the moment and that I will still have a life with love and laughter in it.

I have my health (touch wood), two lovely children, a wonderful sister, good friends and the opportunity to still do nice things with my life. I might have been married to a faithless shit who can still hurt me like hell but I have many positives too. I could have a faithful husband but be lying in a hospice and I know what situation I would rather be in.

Green there's a huge field of daffodils near me which is just starting to have splashes of yellow so am looking forward to seeing them all flower and a gorgeous mass of yellow like it was a few years back.

Green absolutely! I've said this at least twice before but for those newbies who maybe have not read all the threads in this series......I read an old thread before all this. It started like this thread did, one person posting, then it generally became others also posting their stuff. I sat over the course of a week and I gradually read the thread. The change in the women after 6 months was unbelievable. So, do yourself a favour, use the links at the top, and start going through it chronologically and see how each of us have gradually blossomed. And hit hurdles. Then blossomed again. This is real people, real emotions. Better than any self help book I've ever seen for recovery.

And yet again a huge thank you to Hobbit for allowing us to join her and post our stories, thoughts, feelings.

And to Green and WWK for being proprietors of recent threads to give Hobbit a chance to regroup, but allowing all of us the lifesaver this thread has provided for all of us.

And I have to say Green, you have been on an amazing journey yourself. The rawness of some of your earlier posts and in stark contrast to the person speaking now. Big up to this lady! Who, some of the newbies may not realise, was diagnosed with BC at Xmas.

I was trying to think of some empowering song to post. I can't think of one right now, but the two I've posted for particular reasons. The first is for the early days. I've posted it before. It's about facing your fears. The second, well there's a reason women dance round their handbags to this one

www.youtube.com/watch?v=90Fn5JMmeis

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZGwHtGBZJU

I have my health (touch wood), two lovely children, a wonderful sister, good friends and the opportunity to still do nice things with my life. I might have been married to a faithless shit who can still hurt me like hell but I have many positives too. I could have a faithful husband but be lying in a hospice and I know what situation I would rather be in

Absolutely

And I have made some wonderful friends on here who are worth thousands more than my ex. And I'm going to come and see you all one day. That's my holidays sorted out

Loving the Easter pic of Jess Hobbit

Hi green you're sounding amazingly well and focused - good for you

whyme read your thread last night - WWK said it all really

In bobsland turkey is in the oven (Aldi special natch!) spuds and sprouts are peeled, stuffing made (courtesy of Jamie Oliver) and after we have partaken, we can stuff our faces with chocolate.

DD1 is then going out clubbing tonight, DD2 revising hard - bless her!

1 of course once you have signed a separation agreement you have no duty to do anything at all for him. In fact once your DC know the situation you should stop doing his washing etc straight away. I lived in the same house as stbx for over over 2 years where he did his own washing or not and his room absolutely stank However I still cooked for him when I was cooking for the family and he reheated it when he wanted it. Otherwise he would have just left all the dishes for me to wash anyway.

Izzie quite a way for you to come but you're welcome anytime

Here's one for Jess

Actually, seventies gear, sideburns, those moves.......I'm saying nowt

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvmyTZEqlo8

Hobbit is back in the bar! Sitting on the patio now, wine and posh crips at the ready

Lovely posts ladies, Izzie, Green and Iwas big props to you all.

Will have to think long and hard< do you remember that phrase> about Jess'S picture for that occasion Izzie my love, that will take some biscuits I can tell ya!

Roz Oh, so everyone hates you too, huh? I was told that for years, and any friends I made were slagged off etc, etc. These days I can chat to anyone and not worry about what he thinks. It's liberating. He cited me talking to a man (Good GRIEF!!) and not introducing him to said man as one of my 'unreasonable behaviours'...

Ali Me and the children are not the problem. The children and I are not the problem. The problem is not the children nor I. The problem is neither the children nor I. Me and the children do not make the problem. The children and I...

And that negative comparison for your whole lives is dreadful. How terribly undermining. Well, quite frankly, he's an arse. You, and your children, are prime candidates for the cliche 'better off without him'. Your school holiday homework (as if you don't have enough) is to start putting that into practice. He'll learn in time that he held you all back by gnawing away at your self esteem. Put your biggest boots on and whack his backside off the pedestal he's put himself on. Then shove his belongings on the drive.

Hobbit Jess looks as if chocolate wouldn't melt...

Tabby I agree that the sooner you start telling people, they show their natural empathy. People are really great in tough times if we let them be.

Green good to hear from you. I am holding out for Hobbit to prove mediation works because I actually think when it comes down to brass tacks, Lycracock will just stop being 'pie in the sky' and start to realise that his divorce could go on for years should Hobbit chose not to be 'happy for him' (as he's told her she must be!). And besides, she only needs to take Jess into mediation and it'll be a done deal!

Happy Easter everyone.

Haha just saw this and thought of you 1 (substitute "mother" for "wife")