Hi WWK, my children are all adults. The youngest still lives here with me probably for about another year, then uni. He is good company and I'm happy to have him around. He hates his step father and since tab's been gone my son is around much more, very conversational instead of either at work or in his room. He just avoided being around tab at all.
My other children live fairly close, at the moment. Some see tab, some don't, but I have the love and support of all of them.
You're certainly right about friends. I have no friends left from before the marriage. Some would have moved on anyway, but tab started isolating me as soon as we married. Naively I had no idea what was going on, but why would I? I didn't know people behaved like that. His modus operandi was to inform me of the new rule ie I'm not to talk to my friends at the school gates. This would be backed up by some reasoning about my lack of moral character and how talking to friends was bad for the marriage. When I disagreed, however mildly, things would escalate to painful personal attacks, using his knowledge of my personality to make it really hurt, then name calling and insults. If I still wanted to talk to my friends, next up would be threats and violence.
He'd then ask me daily if I'd spoken to anyone. I didn't because I was afraid the children would accidentally tell him if I did. Also I didn't want to lie. Any attempts by me to try to reason with him about this would be met by anger. I'd be told it showed my disloyalty, how I always put my friends first, before my marriage and my family, how people didn't want me poking my nose into their business, nobody actually liked me, they were being polite, this was why my first marriage failed. All total nonsense of course, but it shamed me so I couldn't face anyone.
This kind of attack was simultaneously going on on many fronts, to shatter my confidence and self esteem, put a divide between me and my children, make me dependent on him. I'd had an abusive childhood and worked all my adult life to overcome its legacy of lack of confidence. He undid all that, deliberately. I became acutely anxious and fearful, isolated, lonely, depressed and truly hated myself. He knew it and did it deliberately.
I have slowly been developing friendships in the last year or so. People seem to like me which has been a surprise. I'm doing lots of activities connected to my interest in the environment and meeting new people. I still feel some loneliness but that's normal coming out of a long marriage.
I am also resisting getting in touch with tab, even when I strongly feel the urge. I'm working on taking anything personal out of our conversations and keeping it business like. Today he is expecting to cut the grass, which I've pre-empted, and probably spend some time together. I'm actually out helping with a heritage project with some of my new friends. Son is home so he will keep the key turned in the lock so tab can't let himself in for a look around. He'll have to ring the doorbell and then of course my son will be around to keep an eye on things.
I have gone on and on and on. But I have to let it out or I'll go bonkers. Also writing on here helps clarify things for me. I can hardly share this kind of detail with my new friends can I? So all of you on here get it. Hopefully, as time passes I'll be more of a supporter instead of vomiting out all this pain.
If you read this far 