HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Love it hobbit Going to clean house today. Bizarrely that seems to help too.

I long for Meh. I'll get there.

Izzie I have some more photos of Jess if you really want to see them?

Hi Rozella I agree that no contact is your friend and if he has a breakdown again that's not your problem there will be others who can help him. The problem is that he will know from last time that having a breakdown will get you back under his control so it is very likely that it will happen again. His behaviour is not your responsibility - keep repeating that to yourself. You are lucky not to have children with him because that means you don't need to contact him again except through solicitors but sometimes we can look for excuses to contact them because abuse creates ties which are hard to break, head over heart for as long as it takes is the only way to break those ties. You say you've been a victim of sexual abuse. That means you will wake up each morning joyful and relieved that he's not in the bed with you. Hold onto that feeling because it doesn't diminish you will always be thankful to be free from the sexual abuse, I'm talking from experience.

We'll all get there, Rozalia my love, it will just take some of us longer than others[Grin]

It wasn't the breakdown decided me to take him back. I didn't like to hear of him suffering but at the same time he'd put me through hell and I knew if I was the one who had not been able to cope that would have been too bad.

No, it was the letters and texts telling me what a mistake he'd made and all the things he'd do to change things. All the things he knew would mean so much to me and that I'd longed for. Fairly simple things too, I'm not a demanding person ( perhaps I should be).
Anyway, he came back and did not a single one of those things. In fact, the main one being " no more indecision" he started again as soon as he was back. What I learnt was that he knew exactly what would make all the difference in our marriage but couldn't be arsed to do it.
So I was hoovered basically.
It only lasted 6 weeks before he was off again.
This time he tried the "is it really over?" Schtick again within a day, but I said YES and it is.

Hi all and welcome Rozalia You wrote a very good, clear post considering what you are going through. I have gone through similar and managed to detach years ago with someone also going through stress and feels very much "poor me" and none of it is his fault, I used to be soft and feel sorry for him. However a now see him for exactly what he is - as does the mediator at our sessions i think - and when he is saying to her about how he has no contact with any of his family - grandkids from 1st marriage etc - i just think Meh - your own sodding fault. you seem very grounded and good for you with the job

So from what I can gather from last night's absurdities...

Mr SW has mushroom genitalia [tbuhmmm]

Hobbit is a pervert but has at last managed to post music - welcome to your bar Hobbit

Izzie wants a fight (in between bouncing off the ceiling and painting) and will outbid Font for Sid while iwas* spectates

iwas has probably by now eaten all the chocolate eggs in the house, including the kids, and is out frantically scouring the shops for more

Thanks for the translation bobs123 of last night's shenanigans. I was a bit lost. .

To add to the joy of life, my dear Dad died 8 days after the ending the marriage ( or not ) text. So I've been dealing with grief over that, the practicalities and a very troubled sister who I've had to contact again.

This is one reason why I'm so angry with tab. If he'd left when he first started all this I could have dealt with the divorce and trying to get work etc over 2 years before Dad died. Instead it's been all at once.

So I dance a jig of joy and triumphalism that I'm still standing.

Tries to do link to Elton John song but fails.

Roz sorry - it's really tough when you have grief to deal with at well. I knew I wanted a divorce years ago but there was always something preventing it - my sister died, my Mum died, the DDs GCSEs, A Levels etc. I get through by being kind to myself. I stay away from strife and anything that might wind me up as much as possible (stuff with stbx can't be helped and we have no contact anyway other than via mediation). I have learnt to live on next to nothing and not care. I go to the gym to let off excess energy (my one expense) And when the stress of trying to find a full time job proved too much and started panic attacks and agoraphobia, I decided it wasn't worth it for the moment.

Hello Rozalia I am truly sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds horrific. Very sorry to hear about your Dad too, it's awfully hard coping with either of those events but both at the same time must be very upsetting.

Advice on no contact and distancing yourself as much as possible is good. He is no longer your problem, what happens to him whether it be good or bad, is his responsibility not yours. Focus on yourself, the positives that you have, your future. You are still standing and you deserve to feel joy that you are.

Hello Bobs hope you are okay today? I did manage to find some more eggs in the second shop I went into this morning!

For you Rozalia x

Rozalia, so sad to hear about your dad. My m and d are being a huge support and so I can't imagine what the added burden of losing a parent must be like in the midst of all this.

My OH is apparently putting off the talk with his m and d and has gone for a detour to coast - quite a detour - to clear his head, have a walk and a think. Why is he telling me this??? Detach, detach, detach. He took his little sports car - bought in the autumn for 'us'. If any one sees him, 5 foot 10, balding, glasses not contacts today - give him a push.....

Ps and if any one sees him with OW - it has crossed my mind that that's actually where he is- if there is one - then give him a bloody big push...

Iwashappy - that's what I call a music video . Bit distracting from the lyrics though.
Trying to work on detaching, but it's not going to happen overnight. I'm proud at what I gave achieved so far. Still sane, home running ok, got a job, making friends, had some articles published locally. Not bad considering he tried keeping me in a little box where I mostly cleaned or looked after him. This was achieved by bullying and threats. A truly nasty piece of work.

Well this is charming, isn't it? I've been away ages, raging toothache following treatment, taken more ibuprofen in an hour than iwas eats Easter eggs in a week, trying to sort out a stupid TV stand/bracket thing, and the only bright spot was to see pictures of my new dog the adorable Jess....... and THERE ARE NONE!!

Hobbit why haven't your lazy arse sons sorted this out? Oh, and if she has one of those little dog coats, she can wear that. And maybe a bobble hat in honour of MrSW

I'm going out for a while later, so get a move on woman......

Killing a bit of time, so here's a revenge song from Duffy, the Welsh singer --unlike Hobbit Khan

It's called Rain On Your Parade. Or as Hobbit would say, Piss On Your Chips

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QtaX29x7QY

Hi everyone, been out for lunch and stuff, it's a lovely day here in the arse end of nowhere, sat outside in the sun
This one is for you Rozalia and Izzie don't be impatient , good things come to those that wait m.youtube.com/watch?v=17eSUnQ-_ek

Photos of Jess in various disguises coming soon !

Lets all sing along with Cee Lo,
Fuck you and Fuck her too!

Just for you, Izzie xx.....

Awwwww - cute! Liquid lunch by any chance?

Unfortunately not, Bobs my lovely, only had one glass of cider as am driving later

But it was lovely, had a nice walk with the dogs with a mate, sat outside, had a BLT, ripped our number sixes to shreds, alls well in Hobbitland today.

Ps. Sorry for lowering the tone of the thread with my sweary music choices, but hey-ho, my bar, my rules.

Have made up for it with nice pics of cute dog

Nothing like a good swear, music or otherwise, to get some anger out.

I'm just going to do some work outside, but before I do I'm going to get this off my chest:

Husband not been in touch with anyone for a couple of days. Chances are he's either away at a siblings or maybe with OW. And it doesn't matter, but it does....
So I'm remembering things he's done to remind myself that I'm really much better off without him. The one that came to mind is so horrible I don't even want to post about it.
I don't want him back but I still feel hurt that he treated me so badly. Why?

Yes, that's the eternal question isn't it Rozalia , the one we all want the answer to, and it's the one we will never really understand, because we would never treat someone we purport to love in this way.

Have you read through the back threads? I think I gave a list of reasons why they thought they had the right to do what they have done, it all comes down to nothing in the end.

Welcome Rozalia

Agree that that's the the eternal question, if I could answer (and accept) it I'd be a changed woman.

I've just spent sometime on AIBU and would like to hereby declare that you are all thoroughly unreasonable!