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Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 23/03/2015 00:51

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

OP posts:
Thread gallery
30
Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 00:41

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha , WWK, that's so true, an uglier Harry Hill, can't vouch for the button mushroom, but we' ll take your word for it Wink

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 00:45

Ah, now that would be telling wouldn't IT Izzmeister?
Curious now are we? Want to see some more decorators in the nip?
It could get messy you knowGrin

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 00:49

Nah, not my ex honey, wouldn't have needed that much purple paint !

iwashappy · 04/04/2015 00:49

I think I'll stick to my dog and kittens sharing my bed thanks Izzie. Although I think a lot of men would be an improvement on Sid at least he hasn't got moobs or tattoos.

Sorry I've gone into pondering mood.

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 00:51

Actually I think men look better with clothes on. And quite a few with bags on their heads too it would seem

So today I've learned about mushroom genitalia and double baggers......

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 00:53

Nah, who shaved his balls so his thingy would look bigger on the dating sites? Your starter for ten.....

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 00:57

Oh yeah, I remember that, bet it didn't work though. Nighty night, x

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 01:00

Night xx

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 01:03

Don't ponder too much, iwas, they are not worth our headspace

I'm off now, catch you later xx

FuckitAndStartAgain · 04/04/2015 09:00

Aw"Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger" hold on to that fuckit

You take care once. Look after yourself. X

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 09:02

I have just typed, saved but decided not to post, my feelings of pure hatred for him. I want him out of my life. And quite frankly, I want him out of my sons' lives. Their loyalty is hanging by a thread because they are decent people, not because he deserves it. I think if he walked through the front door now, I would be sick.

I assume this will pass and I will return to meh. Common sense tells me so. But inside of me, every bone in my body, screams otherwise.

I want to return to meh. I hate this all consuming thing seeping through every minute of my existence. I want just me, my sons, my family and friends, my life.

He hasn't gone to the holiday home. I couldn't settle last night so I drove to hers and checked that his car was there.

Now for a cigarette and to shake myself out of this. I will have a good day tomorrow, but I will be pleased when easterscheaster is done. Then I just have May bank holiday's 30 years married. Well at least I don't have to spend it with him!

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 09:07

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgWUi-ozMAU

Rozalia · 04/04/2015 09:27

Hi everyone, I hope it's ok if I join this thread. I see I'm not the only woman filled with conflicted feelings of hate and rage and hurt and sadness.

Brief précis: Tab ( the abusive bastard) finally left 7 weeks ago after 18 years of marriage. He had been keeping me dangling for over 2 years, undecided whether he was going to leave or not. Saying he was committed to making things work, then changing his mind, sometimes in the same conversation. At the beginning of this process I was shattered, by the end I was worn down but had worked on myself so I could cope.
Even after he left we had another week of him saying he'd made a terrible mistake and was coming back, we'd buy new wedding rings etc. I wasn't sure what I wanted but I knew I didn't trust him which is just as well as when I was expecting him to walk back through the door he ended it all with a fucking text message. All our marriage and I was worth.
Not so brief, sorry. Anyway, he has kept in almost daily contact, except yesterday, for some reason. I don't want him to, but I am very wary of him. He has been abusive in all ways, physically, verbally, emotionally, sexually and financially. We had no children between us, but my children from my first marriage.
He never let me work, but when he started this latest piece of fuck wittery 2 years ago, I started volunteering to build up some experience and contacts. This week I secured a part time job, being paid for what I've been doing for free. He "let" me do the volunteering as he was losing interest in me, had other fish to fry, or control.
I have a SHL who is experienced in abusive spouses and is very supportive.
I've worked so hard at rebuilding myself from the severely depressed, isolated, heartbroken and frightened woman I was. It's been bloody hard and I think I've grown used to a certain level of anxiety.
Mostly I am bloody furious with him for his lies, bullying and manipulation. Which he's still doing, but at least I see it now.
I'm also quite lonely so I hope I can find some friends in this bar.

1ali3 · 04/04/2015 09:50

A Peter Himmelman song that I heard a few weeks back and keep telling myself - This too will pass.

'This too shall pass' is also a saying that my mum uses when she literally has nothing else to say that will help. I feel like that now as OH merrily gone on his way to give his parents our joyous news.

Hope it helps others too....and hope I've been able to successfully link it....

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 09:51

Welcome, Rozalia my love, the absolute best advice I can give you from the start is to go totally no contact with this abusive prick. That way his manipulation and control is ended.

No calls, texts, emails, block him from all ways of being able to contact or influence your thoughts or actions, no social media either. You sound a lot stronger and more determined already from where you started from.

We will support each other on this thread, this shit is so hard isn't it?

Rozalia · 04/04/2015 10:05

I went no contact when he left the first time last year. He ended up suffering from severe anxiety and needing medical care. Shows who the strong one is. His dr said Tab had had "what they used to call a breakdown".
He is very unstable so I'm taking the course of least resistance at the moment while I work out what to do. I never get in touch with him and keep conversation minimal.
It is really hard, even though I know it's for the best. So much has yet to be settled. And I have to remind myself that he's always been an abuser and that "romantic" stuff went along with extreme control,violence and other abuse.

1ali3 · 04/04/2015 10:09

Ps I'm also listening to the Big Fish F* O** a lot which also really really helps and brings a smile rather than a tear. Thanks all.

Welcome Rozalia I'm pretty new too and so don't have a great deal of advice- if any- but these ladies have fantastic advice, kindly and generously offered. I'm currently working on detach, detach, detach which seems to help. They've also helped me to believe my kids and I are not the ones with the problem.

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 10:11

This is for all of us with 'anger issues' right now Grin

m.youtube.com/watch?v=N3JFwd1bk4Q

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 10:15

Hi Rozalia , I know what it's like to live with the uncertainty. In my case it was OW. But when he left, although shattering, it was some sense of relief at not having to live with it any more. You've done the right thing over the last two years, well done, and it's given you a leg up on this ladder. And well done, considering what he reduced you to.

Hobbit is right, the less contact the better. I wasn't in an abusive relationship, unless you count married to a fuckwit abusive! But even so, I find it is so much better when I'm not in contact with him, just because it's not in my head so much. Is he likely to have contact with your children? It would be good if he doesn't have to, then you can get rid of him once and for all.

It's good you're in the angry phase, and processing all the stuff and seeing exactly what's happening. I'm often to be found in the Mecca of MEH, oh and it's fantastic! Obviously very less so this weekend, but I expect normal service to be resumed shortly. I've been married nearly 30 years, aged 54, sons 19, 22.

Doctor Izzie says you're doing just fine just promoted myselfEaster Smile

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 10:17

Hey! Go me!

Hobbitwife001 · 04/04/2015 10:20

Na na na na na naahh! WWK, ya boo sucks and all that!

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 10:21

Oh bugger I got all excited thinking I was going to see Jess Magdalene

Oi, sonny Jim, get back here!

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 10:23

Jess.....I've got sausages for you.....love you.......

I looked at the threads you're watching page, hence my excitement.....

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 10:24

The boss is around, photo is down. Go Jess!!!! Yap yap yap

Izzie595 · 04/04/2015 10:24

Back in under an hour. See ya xx