HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

hello all - just adding an update for the record - so twunt & BF posting pics on twitwoo again - nice pair of Prada sunglasses - not sure where they are but could be Barcelona - yep it is barcelona - irony here -took me for my 40th! so sticking with originality then - oh & hes telling DD can't give her the money he owes her as needs it for school fees - I can see straight through him DD is well on the way - I never realised what a complete and utter bag of shite he is - so up his own arse!

I am no longer ranting - just want him out of my life - nisi is being heard on 16 april & SHL is on the case! going to trade my rings in for that divorce ring hobbitt

you know what I feel sorry for them - such a pair of empty sad F88ckers - need the good life, need the labels, need the adoration of their twittwoo followers to validate who they are! what happens when all this crumbles?

bobs Glad your daughter home safe and sound and thanks for info. I will cut and paste - good plan - head seems like a sieve most of the time. DS2 complained of erratic driving style today and so I must start concentrating more. I had looked at Q & A on student loans site but it seemed to me that they took previous tax year into account when working out finance so I was worried that the status quo would need to be maintained for another year. Both just get loan and no grant at present. I can't imagine for one minute that either would choose living with their father over me but everything seems out of synch at moment and so who knows.....I've been tempted to ring the SLC but been worried about crying down phone line to some poor unsuspecting soul.

Izzie More good advice - thanks.

Am cross tonight, might have to think of derogatory name for OH. We were invited to a retirement meal of a good friend this evening and I'd said that I couldn't face it with OH and so would stay home with kids and he'd go alone. I'm tired of painting on a smile. I made a roast for kids and it was just about ready when he arrived home from work to change before he headed off. Guess what....he changed his mind, texted friends to cancel and sat down for dinner. Bloody cheek. He's now in front of telly, beer in hand without a care in the world. He has no idea what he's doing to me.

1 I'm good at names! I named Sid! So how about, just temporary until you find one of your own, Twunt 1? I would suggest "Number 1Twunt" but I think there ,any be so e other takers for that title!

"1" yes they take previous tax years into account, but once you are living on your own they only need you income, not his.

So if say, this September, you are no longer living together and have a separation agreement or decree nisi or absolute, you can apply for a grant for DC based just on your income regardless of which year's tax they need. And if it's dropped in the current year by more than 15% you can ask for it to be based on that instead. You still have to supply info for both tax years however. A lot of faff but worth it, and you seem organised!

Green I think he should be named Hypocrite of the Week. All that great "concern" about being left by themselves recently. And now, when you are devoid of energy, as he knew you would be, he leaves them in your capable charge to entertain them during the holidays. Oh, and for spending on holiday instead of making some sort of repayment to DD. The holiday may be "free" but I doubt it comes with complimentary designer gear etc

Oh and before WWK returns, shh, don't put any comments on the Twittwoo account. I wonder if he's trending yet with his exciting news.....

bobs That's really good news. I will be living alone by Sept as plan to sort this mess out one way or another as soon as DS2's exams over. So, it will be just my teacher's salary that they will take into account for the academic year starting Sept 2015 even though during the previous tax year DCs home was in a 2 salary family? I hadn't realised that when I'd read about previous tax year thing. That will make quite a difference as rent x 2 = around £800 per month. Been worrying me. Don't feel organised but I guess the upside of this drawn out nightmare is that in my more detached moments I've had time to think about some of the logistics involved.

izzie Twunt1 sounds like a plan I'm getting the hang of this. Temporarily feeling stronger

"1" to reiterate:

They have to use previous years as you will have completed your tax return and they can confirm your income that way. They will needs salary and any savings income. They do not ask for details of maintenance payments/Isa income etc (from memory). I think you also have to mention other DC you are looking after (primary/secondary education sort of age I think)

When you ask to be assessed on current year income (if it is more than 15% lower), you submit your best guess and then have to send proof after you have done your tax return.

They will ask you to prove you are single in the current year your DC are at uni by asking for separation agreement, nisi etc.

You can do this up to a certain point after the uni year has started.

Re meeting the shortfall, as these payments will not cover everything, you should seek to include this in your separation agreement so you get help from H up to the end of tertiary education

Once pleased you are feeling better.

Cassa hope you found the counselling helpful. Oh looking at the wedding photos is very upsetting, I've put mine in the loft along with the rest of his photos so that I don't come across them.

Hobbit pleased your chat with WWK helped, as you say quite often the fear of something is worse than the actual event. I know I'd be very anxious too about seeing my ex-DH if I hadn't seen him for months. However, you react at the time be assured that you won't make a show of yourself. Even if he is all business like and you are emotional that says a lot more for you than it does for him and you don't wear lycra

WWK hope work went okay. I'm miles away from "meh" but you might be right about speeding it up a bit by acting that way. I will give it a go.

1 I think it's a good idea to tell your head especially as she's already noticed that you're not okay. People are generally very supportive and although I thought it would be humiliating telling people that my husband had been having an affair the reality wasn't anything like that. Don't agree to anything without getting your Solicitor to look at it first. A lot of Solicitors do a free hour so it might be worth getting some advice as it won't cost you.

Please don't feel that you need to offer words of wisdom, it's very difficult when you're starting on this road. I wouldn't have made sense to myself let alone anybody else.

1 Feeling stronger TEMPORARILY is great. Sometimes you will feel stronger, then at other times you will have a dip. Knowing that will help you during those dips.

I've been having quite a few evil thoughts today. I'm hoping that he recognises that normally we would be away at Easter. Instead he is stuck in suburbia, in an area we used to sniff at. He will have to wait for snow to get the benefit of his brand new AWD vehicle now. None forecast here, and not exactly any mountains in view either. I'm also hoping that he will ask to come over on Sunday and drop off some eggs. I don't think he will because it's not like Xmas, unless you're religious, and the kids are adults. However, if he did I'm looking forward to saying no he can't come round because we have plans. I will just say that. The subtext he may recall after Xmas is that the three of us don't do split occasions, there is to be no visit from absent father on major occasions. The other subtexts which he's too dense/arrogant/deluded to recognise are that he's tainted goods and we don't want anything that has touched that weirdo anywhere near us; he turned our lives upside down and he doesn't get rewarded by being included in family occasions; and if he had lifted one bloody finger to help with some of the stuff that has been a real struggle for me, ignoring countless texts from DS2 about it, knowing that his relationship with him hangs by a thread then I might have felt some obligation to him too........

Well I shall remain to his eyes, detached. Despite wanting to spit out that lot of venom at him and poke him in both eyes. Oh don't be ridiculous, Izzie! Ridiculous was one of his pet names for me. Generally when I said something he didn't want to acknowledge [Grin]. Not half as ridiculous as what he's done and where he's at. And not to mention the haircut.....

Bobs hope the spreadsheets gives him a prompt. Delighted that your DD is back safe and sound and had a great time.

Yummy I am sorry bout your situation, that sounds awful. I don't know I would cope with the child, the OW is bad enough. I am so sorry.

Once sorry I can't answer your question about feeling normal again and getting to "meh." I'm not there with either and wish I could get there quicker than I seem able to.

Fuckit I hope the anti depressants help. Wishing you all the best with your work situation.

Izzie pleased about your "meh" re the holiday home, that's a big thing for you.

Green you sound in a really good place and come over really positive despite the twitter nonsense. Lovely to read. x

Izzie "we have plans" now where have I heard that before...

Have really struggled again today but feeling a bit better this evening. Watching film and mumsnetting with the kids at the moment. I have four whole days that I won't have to see him.

Thanks iwas I think I'm faking it till I make it there. Have also asked DS1 if he thought he would take her. He said no way as he knows he would be in hot water with both sons. I hope so, everything is up there, clothes, the lot. It would be like stepping into where I live now. Well, except you would trip over paint tins etc.......

Maybe Izzie but it's a good attitude that will probably help you get there. Hopefully he realises that he would be overstepping the mark by taking her there.

Have you not finished painting yet - how long does it take to paint a 26 room mansion?!

Oh god, yes those immortal words from MN. I getting well immersed in the two threads. Did you read I referred to a cyclist a bloody twunt in Lycra when I was driving along?

Why are you struggling, do you now believe he doesn't hate you? Is it the unpleasantness? Or just the occasion?

Iwas exactly Izzie how long does it take to paint your precious mansion?? And when are we invited over.

I cried quite a bit this afternoon. I need to pull finger out, I know!!

It takes bleedin ages! Kitchen was a major refurb in infant stage when he left. The rest of the house needed doing. And I'm changing it from practical dog friendly wood to clean fresh white. Which means a lot of extra work. Also, I can't use a roller, which would be quicker. I would spend the next five years cleaning up all the spatters. I tell you, the grime on the kitchen skirtings, there is no way any animal is coming to live here now! I haven't done much decorating for a good while hough, just restarted it because on hols. It does look more crisp, what I've done. Apart from the floors. The kitchen floor was wrecked by the dogs. Going to take a lot of prep before ready to varnish. Oh and I also have the beginnings of a white staircase. Steps and all. So, shoes off if you come over. ....

1ali3 for all I know he may be the most stand up the world has never known - but it's worth double checking so well done for making an appointment, I know you won't have liked it. Another thought popped into my head - is it at all possible he has a 'business meeting' for a month he needs to chivvy off to? It'll give you some thinking space (and a greater share of the roast dinner!). See how things feel - I know you can't feel much worse, but just being able to tell a few people that you're having a 'trial seperation' without it necessarily getting back to the kids, may just help you get some much needed support. Your parents sound fab by the way! Definitely tell us a little bit about him or a lookalike picture we love ripping the piss out of cocklodgers round here. And Izzie IS great at naming people. Yes, it's immature but who cares!

And you're not in a position, yet, to give advice - this is way too soon for you. When you're ready, do pass on it, but don't feel under pressure right now to contribute but do come and have a good moan any time you like. We've all been 'taking our fair share' along the way but giving back when we are in a position to (even if it's great giggles).

yummy welcome to the thread. Your DCs are so young, so you're going to feel very homebound right now. So do join in here any time you like too. Personally, I have made the active decision to NOT date for some time, which means I don't feel sensitive to being single, if that makes sense. I want to heal first from the last innings - rather than just dating for the sake of dating in order to 'feel single'. I don't know how to explain it.

Fuckit I ain't working 'ere, no sirree. This is my 'me' time.

Bobs/Once it's called 'spaghetti head' and it's a symptom of separation (not menopause, I think), tittle tattle here: MrsC went to the same shop six times in one day to buy milk before she succeeded! I went to nightschool on the wrong night. Two nights running. If I didn't write something down, it was forever gone - I had reminder notes everywhere! used to have a fab memory for things. So forgetting appointments is pretty standard. Glad DD got home and did so well - you must be proud.

Green I saw you twittooing. I've got my Stasi-cam trained on you...

Once it was eleven months yesterday since he left. I still don't feel anywhere near normal most of the time. It's still my first and last thought of the day.

Iwas it's working from home so the fact I wasn't at my best (and skived a bit) but doesn't matter. Thank you for asking all the same. I will improve in time...Like you, I'm going to keep working on 'meh' as much as possible. Enjoy your four sid-free days.

Hobbit keep chuckling. Told you you don't need to go to a gym to get endo-gubbins. Mother is always right.

Once you're allowed to cry. I remembered today that on Sundays on here for a while it seemed to be the day we would post songs. I can remember various occasions when I would just start sobbing. Bless them, one of my sons would come and give me a hug

Hi Izzie yes I did read the cyclist comment!

I still feel he hates me, whether he does or not I don't know but that's how his shitty behaviour is making me feel. I sobbed my heart out last night and have no idea what time I eventually got to sleep. The comments on my thread have helped tonight and having the children here too. Being at work is not helping at all at the moment, having to see him is just a reminder of how hard this is. Yes, the unpleasantness is very much part of it, there's an atmosphere and I hate it. I just don't understand why he has to be like this.

Once sorry sweetheart, I need to pull mine out too!

Once I cried twice today. I honestly do believe it's better out then in so don't fight the tears. I'm convinced that when you stop crying it's because you're just exhausted with it or hitting depression. That's my observation of me but not sure about others?

Ha, the photo has gone!

See, I notice these things puts something behind the cushion in living room number 5

I know - it's nuts. And it is most definitely you with your 127 bedroom mansion, my Stasi-cam caught you ages ago. Nice cushions by the way.

iwas keep reading those comments on your thread. The truth is in there.

I can't remember when I last cried over him. Cried with laughter about his haircut......oh I'm a hard bitch, who cares, I'm done with the fucker, too many years of misery under my belt. Sorry, not supportive of what was said, but he can do one. In fairness, I do tend to let rip before I cry in RL. At the moment I refuse to look back. Too fucking pissed at him throwing it all away for a starring role in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Great! Just discovered my soon 2BX has been banned from driving. Suspect speeding sent hm over points but could be DD as lost his licence when pregnant with first child.

He's been driving my kids with a ban. Pretty pissed off!

That's going to keep you busy for a while Izzie.

Evening mother I am sure you will be up to your high standards in no time and even better you can work from home. Hope the faking "meh" goes well. Even if the Sid free days aren't great they will still be better than days with Sid in them.

The photo thing is weird isn't it! puts yet another empty Easter Egg box in bin