HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

whyme I'm sorry you have fallen into despair. I know exactly how you feel, it's just hard to accept after so long that this is really happening. You just want the pain to go away, and although your head knows it wouldn't work you just want them to come back because your heart wants that.

I had a first session of counselling today (through my work employee assistance scheme). It's nice having someone paid to listen to you - don't have to worry if you are using up favours etc. so came back a bit stronger and started tackling clutter and some of his things. Found a photo from our wedding day and just burst into tears.

Hi to once and I who've just come in. I sit in the corner, listening but not saying much (and quietly crying now and then) but it's nice to be here with the regulars, so thanks to you too.

1 a friend of mine had the same situation! as in he and wife had decided to split [I think she had been unfaithful] but they didn't want to tell the kids until he had found a place to live. He said it was really difficult,especially having to share a bed with her to keep up appearances. And I can only imagine the strain of having to put on that front at home. It doesn't help that, being a teacher, you have to put on a show for that. Are you primary or secondary? Another thought I had a bout you staying where you were till financial settlement is that the upheaval of moving is something you really don't need at the moment. You have enough on your plate. Just stay where you know how everything works in the house and where it's all set up for your convenience.

Well I have just woken up having fallen asleep in the chair hours ago! Going off to bed now

Morning everyone, had a chat with mother, last night, and she has calmed me down somewhat re mediation, I think the fear of it is worse than the actual event, it's just that I haven't seen him for months now, and the thought of sitting across the table from him and discussing the division of our financial assets is just freaking me out.

I know he will be all calm and matter of fact and business like, and I still feel so emotional, I'm terrified I'm going to make a holy show of myself.

Ha ha, maybe that would work in my advantage, some tactical crying! Maybe I'll just shoot for the moon, and then work from there. KOKO my lovelies, x

Bobs well done on getting through mediation again - you never know, something might whirl around his brain for sufficient time that it generates an idea. We can only live in home.

Good luck with mediation today NotMrsCookie I think a few people would benefit from you describing how it was if you feel you can spare the time. You seem calm and in control. Take care.

Iwas I think it takes a long time to get to 'meh' but I do think it helps to say it as a 'forced reaction' a way to sort of self-imposed brainwashing to hurry the process along...

whyMe - after every court hearing I had a sudden and horrible 'crash' of emotions so I don't think that's unusual in itself because you can deal with the day to day many days, but their behaviour before and after a hearing is often beyond belief: spiteful and bitter as they try to re-assert their control over you. In some ways you can accept they've chosen to leave, but you cannot understand why they need to be so vicious and nasty. It really hurts. They all test the water with the court orders it doesn't help their case but it not half makes you wonder why on earth you went to court in the first place. Please take it one day at a time.

Tabby keep gallivanting! It's good for the soul.

Once Keep saying this hourly, out loud: He is the shit, I didn't deserve this until it's the most natural thought in the world.

Cassa well done on the counselling. You're not just paying someone to listen to you, you're paying for expert advice on managing emotions and seeing things with news eyes. I think it's a good decision you've made.

1ali - you might want to start thinking: My house! My Rules! He can go visit his parents (and give you a break from keeping up appearances). If he doesn't like it, you know what he can do...

Hobbit it's the first time he's got to face you, and look you in the eye, so his Royal Arrogance will also be bricking it I think. All the same, if you find it too much in the first sitting, leave. He doesn't get to 'micro-manage' your emotions or tell you what they should be. And I actually believe in you surprising yourself with just how good you're going to be.

Izzie You'll be fitter than a fit thing by the time you've done all that painting. I've this impression that you live in a 28 room mansion with all the painting you're doing.

Font hijack away.

Right I have a [measly] living to earn...and no I will not be bringing the day job to this thread - you'd all have a field day on my typing, anyway, and report me to management !

Morning all, just read through the posts. Great advice everyone. Thank you. Am about to look through websites of solicitors in local town and will have made an appointment by end of day. It is really stressful with friends and at school -primary Izzie- I'm considering telling head on return after hols as she's asked me a few times whether I'm ok at the moment. She's a perceptive lady. OH just rung to say he's bought Easter Eggs for kids en route to work today. Made me cry. Every time he rings I hope it's to say that he's changed his mind. How sad am I?? He asked me what I was up to today, said I was going to make an appointment with solicitor. He suggested that rather than waste cash, something he himself is pretty good at doing, I waited until his solicitor had drawn up a separation agreement and I took it to check its reasonableness. Is this reasonable??? I'm so used to us working together for the benefit of our family that it's so hard to think he'd be trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

All- If I could turn the clock back, I would never have agreed to keeping quiet about situation. It hasn't been good for me. Also it kept me hoping where I know there is no hope. He's changed too much towards me. The thing is now, DS2's exams over in 3 months and so feel we have to keep going with charade or it would all have been for nothing. If we say something now and he has melt down I'd never forgive myself. DD is 21 and home at moment. She's making comments about her dad's working hours. Have considered confiding. She's pretty mature but is it fair to ask her to keep something so momentous from her brothers? She's close to them. Helped DS2 with preparing a revision timetable last night. So sweet. Comments about children being so much more health and fitness conscious than our generation made me smile. Mine hate smoking and rarely drink -at home anyway. All partake in various sports. All skinny as rakes too.

Something has just occurred to me- why has he stopped en route to office to buy Easter eggs?? Got me wondering whether there's someone in office that he's buying for as he now wouldn't be seeing them til after weekend. Kids' eggs maybe just an afterthought?? Too much analysing perhaps. Sorry all, yet another essay.

Hobbit if it's any help the fear of seeing him after several months was actually worse than the reality. We were in fact very civil (we never really did shouting/swearing stuff anyway)

I think rather than make plans as to how to act, you will probably find it all comes naturally. ie you will get emotional (my stbx rushed for tissues when I did that) And it also came naturally to me to blow up at him yesterday and tell him I'd had enough. From his point of view this is a good thing as it means he has got a reaction out of me, so hope it will work for both of us and he will get his finger out.

Unfortunately he has an enormous problem with making decisions (weird considering his job). So today's job is to create an updated spreadsheet to send to him via the mediator - just to facilitate things for him when he sees his solicitor! Think I might also send a collated reasonable needs sheet too just for clarity!

Ps. Thank you WWK for recommending some of the mumsnet Classic threads to cheer me up, my weekend is now sorted!
Pissed my sides laughing

1ali3 call me a cynic but mine paid for a solicitor for me (how generous) and he paid for a divorce (on the grounds of two years separation)...and all I had to do was sign on the dotted line that we'd agreed on everything.

He was most unhappy when I paid for my OWN solicitor to represent MY interests and had him cancel his petition on the grounds we'd be separated for two weeks. That's when, apparently, what HE deemed fair, turned out to be most UNFAIR. The rest, as they say, is history. It was a bit traumatic at the time...

So I'm probably not the best person to advise you on the 'he says/he thinks' approach to making decisions...

wwk I'm being too trusting me thinks. Some of the stories on here are just so sad. To think that my OH could behave like some XHs on this thread is something I can't get my head around. He is talking the talk at the moment re finances but will that translate into walking the walk??

all Feel like all I'm doing is asking for advice without offering words of wisdom. Sorry. No doubt that will change when I'm further down this miserable road. My parents coming over later after crying down phone to them. They don't need this at their time of life....

Hi everyone hope I can join in. Exh left around 18 months ago and impregnated new woman who I suspect was OW within a month. Our own kids were 5 and 2. We were together nearly 20 years since age 18. Towards end of relationship there was a lot of physical and emotional abuse and I was literally living in fear for me and kids.

Anyway he had the child I filed for divorce last year and he has stalled replying and forced me to court to force my kids to meet the ow and her bastard child. Contact is about to start and I am dreading effects on kids

Plus I still fee l very emotionally attached miss him a lot. Have never been with anyone else never thought wd have to date. Few dating experiences have been awful and I am so scared of being alone forever. Hate being celibate aged 38. I feel so much anger that he has a new cosy set up has brought house with her had child all while still married to me and I am alone.

Have no family support v few friends so alone

Just exchanging form e s he is stalling

Just existing not living. Been 18 months feels like yesterday.

If wasn't for dcs I wdnt be here

1 that's how we all start on this thread - asking for advice. Then as we get further down the road we learn stuff that we can pass on.

My advice (for what it's worth) is that as long as he is still doing his bit finance-wise, I would wait till you get any paperwork from him, and then take it to a solicitor of your choosing. It is best to have as much knowledge as you can before you go. We can give advice/point you in the right general direction to find info online as to your rights as and when you are ready. Until then do not agree to anything, however fair it might sound.

If he suggests mediation - all well and good, but only with the advice of your own solicitor as well.

Hu yummy and welcome. So sorry for your situation. It must be particularly tough with such young DC. However you do have an opportunity to make new friends through them I guess - toddler groups, school events etc?

Re being celibate - I have been for years...and I'm 55! However I still believe there's someone out there though...at some point...when I'm over all this shit (think false teeth, pot bellies and the need for viagra ) It just all takes time unfortunately

Question:

When did you start to feel normal again? how long did it take to just let it go? I mean when did you get to 'meh'? My head is still very much in the sand regarding separation and assets. I am on a roller coaster of emotions at the moment and can't predict how I will feel in one hour let alone one month. When did you stop replaying things and reproaching yourself? I seem to swing from one extreme to the other. Just so you're all very aware how stupid I am, on Monday I completely forgot I had a GP appointment but I could recite to you verbatim a conversation I had with my ex 4 years ago about how to correctly wash a frying pan (not that it matters, but apparently I was doing it wrong.)

Well that was more of a ramble than a question.

Still here. Still reading. Have started the new anti d after all si we shall see.

1 I fid the living togther after his bombshell, March unitl gcse completed in June. It wS very bad. Youngest guessed (maybe overheard). I thought he knew but could not ask him in case he didn't. Did not tell family friends or work as could not guarantee that word would not get back. I have advice but thought you might feel less alone.

My stbx was very guilty and fairly generous. I so wish I has pushed harder for legal stuff then. Now he is with pregnant OW who has given up work he is sticking to what he thinks is his legal obligation and no more. I can't pay solicior or mediator to try and sort. In the meantime I now only have one legally dependent child.

I would agree with WWK. Get advice for YOU now, don't trust him. I thought stbx was trustworthy when it came to money. I was wrong. Get a settlement now while he feels guilty.

Btw I still sometimes think my stbx will come back, two years now. I also teach in FE and an fighting dismissal due to sick leave. I am disabled but they can still go the capability route.

There so so much more I could tell you, but please please get legal advice and sort it for yourself and the children. We might know they need support post 18, the Law doesn't and their father has other priorities.

Thanks bobs. I think the penny has only just fully dropped that this isn't going away. I have had a look at the wikidivorce calculator and it has got me thinking of some things I hadn't considered. I'm quite practical and so making myself think of practicalities helps. Financially at the moment, everything as normal. We only have joint accounts and both salaries paid into them. Am going to discuss moving, versus staying put, with my parents today. I've found a solicitor but he is seeing one next week so I might wait and go armed with his proposal.

Have followed suggestion over Easter. His parents not coming. Phew. He was a bit defensive - my house too kind of language- but did back down. Don't think he really wants to endure many more 'happy families' charades himself anyway.

Hi yummy - so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm in no position really to offer advice except to say that I agree with bobs about toddler groups and school functions being a good place to start making friends. Of course, there's no 'good age' for an unwished for divorce and I'm relieved that my crew are not babies anymore but 38 gives you plenty of time to restart a good life for yourself and DCs. I'm 49 and have wondered about how to meet new people - all my friends are married joint friends whom we mostly socialise with together. Not sure about how that'll work going forward....

Useless typing on phone. I hope WWK does not check my writing!

Good afternoon ladies, just back from the dentist. I've got to finish this kitchen, so I'm getting the painting gear on shortly, so just a few words now

WWK If I lived in a 28 room mansion I would have decorators in and you would miss the spectacle of the paintbrushes up his arse. I'm building a podium for you to get the best shots

A huge MEH moment for me. I've been stressing about whether he would take Nutty Nora to the holiday home. Thought about how to check up on him. Then I had a lightbulb moment. Which was......I have spent too long wondering what he's been up to over the years and having my life dominated by some unseen lunatic, so I'm not going to waste MY TIME AND EMOTION checking up or thinking about it. I will work on the emotion thing in that last sentence.

Once déjà vu. Well, yes there really is only so much we can say about them, so we all repeat ourselves. Get it all out and eventually it will be spent. Glad you're feeling more positive.

MEH as I seem to be the MEH champion at the moment, a few tips. It helps to ridicule them in your own mind. Well before coming on here I did a list called "why would I want that?" And it listed all the things I found annoying about him. Also, I think the phrase "fucking idiot" is a useful one to cultivate when becoming annoyed with them. It's another thing to cut them down in your estimation. In my case, MEH followed.

Also the phrase "it's all about me" helps. Try to do things for yourself. Anything. Whether that be something practical or something pleasurable. However small it is, the point is it's a focus on yourself.

So, my state is mainly I'm bored bored bored of him and I enjoy living my own life. I have moments where I still feel anger and all those other emotions. But they are no longer the rule, they are the exception.

However, it's vitally important that you let all these emotions have free rein. I think of them as like batteries......eventually, with enough use, they will drain and be gone.

Why just a thought. Is it old love, do you think? I love the man I married, but not the twunt now in his body? And the other thought about that.....he was abusive. So is it a case of you still being the "abused one" and under his spell? It's not something I've experienced, so I can't really speak with any authority on the subject, but I just wondered.

Catch up more later.

Thanks fuckit Hope anti Ds do the trick. Pregnant OW doesn't bear thinking about. I know that I need to be very wary and what he says and does might be two different things. Is complicated with uni aged children. They need a home still. We also pay accommodation costs for both - one in London- so money is going to be tight which might make him have a change of heart once reality sets in - about being generous toward me- I'm past thinking he'll have a change of heart about staying in our marriage. I'm hoping that their student loan entitlement can be increased once separation goes ahead otherwise there'll be 3 lots of rent and a mortgage to pay whoever moves out of the family home. Does he know what he's doing??? Am I that awful that he'd do this?? The kids been asking about a holiday this summer. I keep stonewalling....

Just so you're all very aware how stupid I am, on Monday I completely forgot I had a GP appointment but I could recite to you verbatim a conversation I had with my ex 4 years ago about how to correctly wash a frying pan (not that it matters, but apparently I was doing it wrong.)

That's not stupid at all. We all forget things, particularly short term things. Especially when our heads are full of allsorts.

So a month or so in from separation, I couldn't work the cash dispenser. I thought it was a touch screen. Hadn't noticed the buttons at the side.

1 read back bobs posts re uni finance! plus her latest re mediation. I'm sure though she will be along to tell you anyway

exclamation marks instead of commas

Sodding ipad. So no, if you think I'm being a sarky wits it with an exclamation mark, I apologise.

• wotsit I meant. Bloody autocorrect

fuckit I think you've done the right thing re the ADs. hope not too many side effects getting used to them - and they work

With me it's locking the car - can never remember whether I have or not. Luckily I now have a clicker so am used to pointing it out of the bedroom window every night just to be on the safe side! Concentration levels are zero especially multi tasking.(am wondering whether menopause has something to do with it, but don't seem to be there yet )

1 yes when we were living under the same roof and DD1 was 1st yr uni, due to stbxs income she could get a loan but not a grant. So she used that for uni costs and I paid for her accommodation and various other inevitable costs (car insurance etc) she does have a holiday job which has helped enormously.

Once we were in separate accommodation she applied for and got a grant. This was based on her living with me in holiday time.

I think for you, you would have to think at some point about "supporting" the application for the coming uni year in September. you can do it for a certain time after the uni year has started so no rush at the moment.

If the DC are living with you, then, depending on H's income, I would be asking for full child maintenance until they finish tertiary education. I am unsure of the rules as there is not much info online, but as a rule of thumb, if a father is paying maintenance for an under 18, it is reasonable to request he continue to do so until end of uni. I believe over 18s can apply in their own right if he is difficult but you need to check this.

My stbx has paid nothing for DD1 at uni, other that £100 for freshers week, and even that was difficult to extract from him.

Hopefully yours will be more reasonable

Btw, if this is too much info at the moment, just copy and paste anything relevant for you on here into a document, to be filed for future reference.

Any help re this, let me know - or PM me

Btw, DD2 back safe and sound from France she had a good time and did brilliantly in the speaking tests they had to do every day so worth her going!

Bobs good info, thanks, and glad DD2 had a very successful and enjoyable trip and got back safely

1 are you that awful that he would do this? No. MLC man does not think in any logical fashion. You know how there is generally at school always "one in every class"? Well that's MLC man. As for solicitors, yes I think I would kill two birds and go in after he's given some proposals. I have to say that my STBXH has been trustworthy with the financial stuff. I've had a few scares, but they were about him keeping control, as he used to do the finances, and begrudged me changing things. I do have copies of avpbsolutely everything, though, so I'm not blindly trusting him. Five months separated and we still have both salaries paid into joint account and although we have both opened separate accounts too, they haven't been used. So, it is possible, but FGS make damn sure you can control everything. And I assume you know the risks associated if he ran up debts on a joint account. The other safeguard I have to a certain extent is that the ex works in finance, so he is governed by various regulations re his personal finances. I also used to work in finance, so I'm pretty clued up on safeguarding myself financially day to day. The other thing is that when we do start negotiating, we will be doing it ourselves, but we will both be seeking independent legal advice. I would do so, of course, but he would absolutely insist on it.

Fuckit hope the ADs work. Hobbit has shares in the company swears by beta blockers. And yes I've heard it's a good idea to get the financial agreement done early whilst they still feel guilty and before others have got to them. I'm talking a gamble here because I haven't done anything about that since the end of the year when I asked him to start negotiating. He didn't seem in a rush then I backtracked.

yummy sorry to hear your story, and I agree, it must be extra tough with young kids, and knowing that the bitch has help with hers. Give yourself time and don't rush dating until you are in a good frame of mind. I'm of the opinion that meeting nobody is infinitely better than meeting somebody wrong when you are still emotionally vulnerable.