HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Hobbit I was out driving and I actually used the words "bloody twunt in lycra". I didn't shout out the window though I didn't think of that because that would be uncouth of course.....

It's time for a SONG.......

Feeling a bit better now

so 3rd mediation meeting today - yes it did happen, after a fashion!

Back story:
1st meeting - I disclosed fully, he didn't, I made 1st proposal
2nd meeting - he disclosed a bit, we exchanged disclosure, I made 2nd proposal.

This was on the basis that I knew pretty well what he had, except for a pension pre marriage. At the 2nd meeting he said it was worth around 10K and he would be getting written details of said pension.

I then asked for details of this pension before the 3rd meeting, and also that he seek advice re proposals (this done via mediator)

3rd meeting - he gives details of pension - only runs into 6 figures! (the amount he gave was a per annum amount he would receive I think)

We then spend almost 2 hours of him saying he has no contact with all his family, and how he would need a mortgage to buy a house/flat - all poor him stuff! This time I just kept my head down and let the mediator do the talking - she's pretty good! She made all the points i have already mentioned on here (including the need to house DC while at uni/finding their way in the world even though they are over 18 FYI). Don't think much went in as he was feeling so hard done by that I had left him, his daughter/grandkids from 1st marriage didn't want to know him (not my doing, I have very little contact with them for that very reason)

So eventually, he said he'd had enough and needed to think about things.

At which point I sprung into action and said I'd had enough. I said if he wasn't prepared to agree/disagree with anything or put anything forward himself (other than wanting half the proceeds from our family house) then there was no point in continuing. As I was packing my shit stuff away, the mediator suggested he seek advice and email his proposal through before the next meeting. I leapt on that (good one!!!) and said that if such a proposal was not forthcoming, there would not be a next meeting and we would go to court.

Am now thinking in light of recent disclosure I should be revising my figure downward to him. I think most people "in the know" would think I was being overly reasonable already (ie not claiming spousal) It's just him who refuses to realise it.

bobs as frustrating as it was, it seems you have come away with some very useful information indeed. Let's hope he takes on board what was said and gets his brain into gear and comes up with something reasonable. And yes, re revising your proposal, this is your financial future, as well as your DD's inheritance.

I'm tied up with things so will post later, unless I crash out. Am I the only one on here who doesn't have problems getting to sleep?

For bobs
www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-P2qL3qkzk

Right' last call, as I have to go to the supermarket for Easter eggs........

We need a proper song on here tonight......

Bobs pleased you feeling a bit better now, I am sure the wine helped!

Sorry, the meeting didn't go better, but it would be good if it makes him see sense and come up with a proposal to avoid court.

Izzie my sleeping isn't too bad these days but probably has a lot to do with me staying up late so that I'm already half asleep when I clamber into bed.

Izzie I bought four Easter Eggs today all for me for the children (I need to buy theirs as late as possible otherwise I will eat them.)

Was feeling quite good today, it's lovely having my son home and have been into the town with my daughter buying kitten things. But had a bit of a cry about twenty minutes ago and feeling a bit down, just don't understand why he's being like he is. Feels like he must really hate me sometimes. And, yes I know it's because he's a number six, but I still don't understand.

Can i join in please. Been following from the wings . STBXH got thrown out september. Served divorce papers November .Should shortly get a date r dicree nica part. Having second medetion session tomorrow. SHOULD be fun as he has admitted spending between 4/5 nights a week at Ow. She is a single mum with a special needs child high rate care so loads of tax credits and he earns 55k so she doesnot want him in all the time as she will lose her tax credits so he turns up at 9 and leaves for work . surely i have no problem with that . !!!!!.His own 14yr old son has found weed and is selling and using it .steals booze, fags and money from me and brother and guests. STBXH just does nothing doesnot want son and its all my problem . so we all have our own problems but we will win the battle.

Izzie DJ reporting for duty! I listened to a lot of Adele when I was (am) feeling broken but here's my new obsession:

He was and will always remain a total shit of the highest order! And I will do my best to be strong! Izzie You've obviously passed out what with all those paint fumes!

WWK Where are you!? And what's ur song!

Paddling pleased you felt a bit better last night, hope you had a reasonable sleep. I agree that the thread can be a huge help and about other people's reactions sometimes. It's like a lot of things, unless you have been through it you really, really don't know how hard it is and how much it changes everything. Not just the obvious practicalities of not living with him and the change for the children but how it affects your whole mindset and makes you question everything and look at everything differently and that takes a long time to work through.

Green lovely to hear from you, pleased the treatment is going okay but sorry you're feeling knackered and that your ex continues to be a twunt. I do feel for you about the holiday, that must be really difficult. I've already had hints from my ex-DH about him going away with OW, I know it's only a matter of time and I'm dreading it so I am sorry.

But "meh" is great can I have some tips please and wonderful that you are feeling positive despite everything. Hope the good things are still good! x

WWK you give such good advice and are so wise, I second whoever said that you would make a good counsellor.

Good to hear that you are not going to waste your great writing skills on him. I am sure it will be a good read whatever the subject. Yes, all the best people in the world have two cats! Thank you for the good luck wishes - think I might need them when they start climbing the curtains!

Tabby teenagers can be and are bloody hard work sometimes. If it's any consolation my daughter is a lot more hard work than my son was. I long for her to grow out of the stage she has been in the last year or two. I love her to bits but it just feels like a constant battle of wills for about 75% of the time. She's lovely the rest of the time. Thank you for your kitten wishes.

Izzie thank you, it just feels a bit different for me on this thread than on my own, it's a bit of a different feel for me if that makes sense. I don't envy you ceiling painting

Izzie and Font your sons seem rather more sporting than mine. He likes football but cycling and running only occasionally and he likes his food too much to be watching what he eats but the lucky sod is still skinny

Fuckit there is nothing wrong with you at all. What has happened is entirely down to him and you feel shit because this has happened. It feels hard because it is hard. Well done on making the ACAS appointment, I hope your work situation improves.

Once I thought any physical affair would be the end of my marriage but it took me nearly four months from thinking my ex-DH might be cheating on me to actually ending my marriage and I only did that when I found out he had cheated on his first wife too and it wasn't as out of character for him as I thought it was. So I didn't really react the way I thought I would. Re-marriage here is out of the question too!

Hi girls, sorry I've been reading but not posting.

I fell straight into a pit of despair and couldn't drag myself out. The crying returned and my head has been a mess. I just couldn't get past the fact that he's gone and will never come back. I do know what an evil weasel he is but he was my evil weasel for so long. And I know that he was abusive in all sorts of ways..I know he checked out of our marriage a long time ago and didn't give me or the children a second thought. Even with all these things considered I just want to turn the clock back. The pain is just so heavy in my chest everyday.

Plus he's still saying that he doesn't have to comply with the court order.

Unfortunately I've had to talk to him about house repairs this week and the first time he accused me of having the phone on loud speaker and the second he thought I was recording him. Then tonight he hit the roof when we were talking about life insurance on the mortgage and I told him I had still been paying the joint policy. He said that he hoped nothing would happen to him and I said I could only hope that something did (just couldn't resist that one). He then started to chuck his toys out of his pram. How could I say that or think that? WTF...after what he's done to me. I told him to get off his pedestal and join the real world.

You're right they are all cunts. I can only hope that one day my head and my heart feel the same.

It's also my mums birthday this week and I'm finding it so hard without her.

Hello WhyMe I'm sorry you've been in that pit of despair again. It's perfectly natural to feel like that and to wish the clock back. There were obviously lots of good times amongst the upset and he had good points otherwise you would have left him long ago. I've tried not to dwell too much recently but failing tonight a sort of dealing with it by not dealing with it mentality if you like. Don't know if that's healthy or not but it's what I've been doing.

Sorry your dealings with him have been hard. There's definitely one rule for them and one for us. It must be so hard for you dealing with all of this as well as grieving for your mum. I don't think I'd have managed to deal with both at the same time so my heart really goes out to you. I wish there was something I could say that would help but sadly I know there isn't, but my thoughts are with you. Your mum would be so proud of you. For you sweetheart

1ali3 I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I am sure we can all relate to tears at inappropriate times. I can sympathise with the stress of having to act normal with a lot of people. Different situation in my case but I stuck my head in the sand, didn't want to deal with it and hoped it would go away. It didn't. Good that your parents are supportive.

Sadly from what you have said it does very much sound like there is an OW involved. When you feel ready to, ringing a Solicitor is a good idea. I would leave any decision as to who moves out of your marital home until you have seen a Solicitor yourself. Detaching is good advice although a hell of a lot easier said than done. WWK gives very good advice.

On the his parents coming for Easter note, my ex-DH seems to think that everything else should carry on as normal and acts like a twat gets the hump if he's left out of what he still perceives as family things. Everything is about what suits them.

Hobbit yes we do like you on here remind me why

WWK congratulations on your job. Well done. I suppose you are going to nit pick spelling errors on here now

Welcome NotMrs but sorry you're in this situation. Good luck with your mediation session tomorrow. I am sorry your son is having difficulties as well and that your ex is leaving it all to you to deal with. I hope things improve for you soon but as you say you will win the battle.

Izzie and Font your sons seem rather more sporting than mine.

It's truly weird Iwas because he was a lazy little git when he was going through adolescence - and indeed still is to some extent - when it comes to cleaning up after himself and suchlike. I still think my kids think an invisible maid comes in and cleans up after them. Daughter's not so bad but son just leaves a 'trail' around the place. He takes off his shoes .. they stay in the hall ... he takes off his coat .. it's draped over a chair .. he eats a yoghurt .. the tub, the spoon, the lid are all left around the kitchen for the invisible maid to come in and clear up. I can walk into my house after being out all day and know exactly where my son has been and what he's done because he leaves this trail.

All that aside and I dunno if it's a generational thing, but my kids are a lot healthier than I ever was. Neither have been within a country mile of a fag, and actively detest it (whereas I used to smoke like a chimney and only managed to finally pack it in four years ago).

They are moderate drinkers (I was a boozer from about 14, when we used to get someone to buy cider and then go and sit in the Launderette and drink it. Drinking cider in the launderette on a cold winter's evening was about as exciting as it got back in my day. As for illicit drugs ... they wouldn't touch them with a barge pole (I'll plead the fifth here). They go to the gym, run, exercise, eat healthily, are very fitness and health conscious.

They are wary when it comes to relationships. Son (tall, handsome, lots of girls chasing him) is a cross between cautious and can't be bothered. He likes female attention but is definitely not into the relationship thing at the moment. Daughter (19) has a nice boyfriend (gorgeous looking, hard working but not a the brightest spark in the box) who is way more keen than her, and she seems so mature, pragmatic and sensible about it and won't take a single second of shit from him.

By contrast, my youth comprised me going out on the razz constantly, waking up with hangovers, a fair amount of space cadetry, lurching from one shit relationship to the other and just generally being a bit of a fuck up all round.

Young people today get much maligned but going on my two .. they put my generation to shame. They seem more savvy and responsible than we ever were. I know a lot of you ladies on this thread have grown up kids and I'd be interested to hear if your experience matches mine.

Sorry to hijack your thread ladies, but Iwas's comment got me thinking!

Font
x

Hi all, I've been having a few evil thoughts today about him but overall I've been positive. Being on the thread helps too when I'm painting, because it's easy for the mind to wander. But checking in at intervals has given me plenty of things to think about. Now to start answering the posts.

Once glad to see you back on the thread. Post, post, post, vent, vent, vent. Better out than in have I heard that somewhere before And of course you can DJ. The other resident DJ, Green is too busy at the moment drinking coffeeSeriously, though, this thread has been a lifesaver to a lot of us. Stick with us. I will try to link to your other thread, is that in your other name?

Font front row tickets are yours. I thought you may like to bring your son, as this is the best sport he is likely to see in his lifetime! My son is 22 too. Football is his other sport, but that's more casual now. The next thing he has planned is some obstacle race. And skydiving. The second one, I've shown no interest whatsoever, on the basis that he may not tell me when it's happening. It's like when he plays hockey. He goes all over the place, driving to the matches. He now knows only to tell me where he's playing when he returns from the match.

Green you try to take it easy. Let's hope there is an air controller strike in Spain so he doesn't come back. And you have reached MEH. Aah, isn't that now one of your favourite words? It is mine.

Fuckit you sound in a better frame of mind, and I'm glad the thread is helping. I hope Tabby takes comfort from your sons now seeing the situation with their own eyes instead of being fed a skewed version from him

The Pick Me Dance yeah I've done that before. So? Please don't beat yourself up about it. It's called trying to save your marriage. There will be plenty of time to redress any imbalance you feel about it.....like when you emotionally detach and they don't understand it. When I did it recently to my ex when he was here, he eventually just sat in the living room, being ignored by me whilst I was doing the ironing. It was unnerving for me at the time, but after the event I was able to have a good laugh about it. It reminded me of when we turned our back on one of the dogs when she was a puppy because she play bit us. She looked totally nonplussed. Really, ladies, these are men we are talking about. They don't exactly have good recollections of things. They see what they see at the time. We analyse things. They couldn't analyse their way out of a paper bag

Izzie cheers for the song - appropriate! (also thinking of one by the same name from Pink Floyd)

Just wondering - what will you do when you've finished painting the house - paint the outside?!

whyme sorry you're having a tough time - esp with it being your Mum's birthday this week - you'll get through it You are mourning your Mum, and weasel's messing with your head (he's sounding rather paranoid actually!) However it sounds like you're dealing well with him, despite what you're feeling inside. Just think - next week will be better

notmrscookie welcome and good luck tomorrow. I hope you get further than I did and hope you know what's what finance-wise. I empathise with your DS as I has stbx's come live with us at around that age and he was into the same stuff. Your ex is a real prat to just walk away rather than help deal with it

Font my son is still a lazy little sod. Mine think there is an invisible maid too! DD is just as bad as DS. They do clear up if nagged told but I think they should be old enough to work that out themselves.

My two are both anti smoking, my daughter hates it. Ex-DH and I have never smoked so I don't if that's got anything to do with it or not.

My son likes going out with his mates and having a few drinks. He does come in at stupid o'clock and say that he's fine when he's clearly had a few. Thankfully, he's like his dad when he's had a drink and just gets a bit silly rather than having a personality change. He's gone out tonight, but he's driven so he won't have a drink tonight.

My daughter's got drunk a couple of times that we've been aware of. I suspect it's a few more as she's been a bit subdued when she's come back from sleepovers a few times. She's 16 so I'd rather she wasn't but was doing similar at her age so I can't be too hypocritical. She did get a right bollocking the first time last summer when she was 15 as she'd also lied about where she was. She said she was having a sleepover at a friends when she was actually going to a party. We'd told her that she couldn't go to parties until she was 16 which caused a few problems as she's one of the youngest in her year.

Illicit drugs my son doesn't seem to have any interest at all. My daughter thinks hard drugs are stupid but gives the impression that she thinks cannabis is cool although we're fairly certain she hasn't tried it. Hoping her dislike of smoking will keep it that way. Ex-DH is quite laid back about all of that he thinks kids will experiment and thinks she's too bright to do anymore than that although he does try and discourage her as thinks she's too young.

My two eat anything, healthy stuff and junk and both have their dad's skinny gene. DD used to play football until she realised that she still had to train if it was chucking it down and got more interested in spending hours in the bathroom make up and girly stuff. Doesn't get that from me that's for sure. She does like running but only if it's dry and not cold.

DS had a girlfriend for over a year until they split up last year. DD's best friend has a crush on him. He's a good looking lad, personable but not tall. He's not that interested in having another relationship at the moment although I think he's had a few moments since splitting with his girlfriend.

DD desperately wants a boyfriend, she hasn't had one. To be fair to her she thinks a lot of the boys she knows are idiots so she does want to go out with someone that she likes rather than having a boyfriend for the sake of it.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a ramble. Your DCs sound great Font - just like their mum x

Yes I take comfort from what you says about your boys Fuckit it sounds like I'm dealing with things much as you did and that gives me hope as it worked out ok for you. I also take comfort from all of you who have described your wonderful young sons throughout this thread then tell me that you had plenty of trials with them as teenagers.

I've been out gallivanting and my spirits are lifted. One of the benefits of very little sleep for months on end is that you can stay out late and roll into work the next day after a few hours sleep and everything feels normal.

Izzie "couldn't analyse their way out of a paper bag"

That actually describes me!

I'm feeling much better today! I didn't deserve this! He is the shit, I wanted to love him! Sorry if it's always deja vu from me. It's one day at a time right!