HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

WWK everything you say is spot on! reading it back I really have internalised it all. I wonder if that's more down to my personality than the relationship as I've always taken things out on myself whatever the situation.

Green will trade you my meltdowns for your "meh"

green glad to hear from you - have been wondering how you're doing

Fuckit I'm the same re the kids. I can normally tell with them when I've said too much. The will want to know what's going on, but only to a certain point.

once hope you're feeling better this morning. WWK put in into perspective really well (now that's another job she could do - counsellor!)

A quick catching up. Actually my breaks are becoming even more frequent.

A few immediate thoughts:

Fuckit "It does not necessarily mean something is wrong in me and needs to be fixed". There is a superfluous word in that sentence. That word is "necessarily".. I would tell you to rewrite that 100 times, but the photo has gone so WWK must be lurking, so she's in charge!

once "I've always taken things out on myself whatever the situation". I can relate to that. And I think it's now important that you do an about turn. I have. This time in our lives is also an opportunity to reevaluate the person we are, the person we want to be. The person maybe that was there underneath it all but didn't "fit" into the relationship. Well, we are different people now, experience does that to us. I'm going off at allsorts of tangents here, but it beats painting I try to imagine what I would say to a friend going through this. And then apply that to myself.

Oh and I'm also going off at a tangent because I can't turn back the MN page without losing my rambling shit typed words.

If anyone is interested, on This Morning at 12, I think, they are going to be having a phone in about whether you would forgive an affair. I'm listening to all these progs doing the painting

Oh Green. Good to hear from you. Will post fully later, but brilliant news about Spain. Although why you can't just go to lush Barry Island beats me! I'm thinking that because I typed "oh Green" and it made me think of Nessa from Gavin and Stacey....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmdl4mt_p0c

IZZIE its not me going to spain!!!! not today anyway

oh ive just seen these - this is for all you lovely ladies

Izzie I've always thought I could forgive an affair if it was purely sexually and not emotional, but thinking back on it I don't think I could. It would eat away at me too much and I'd always revert to it in any arguments. Having said that I don't think I'll ever want to be in a relationship again; marriage is certainly out the question! I honestly find it exhausting.

Another break! But I've now watched the DIY clinic on This Morning. Yes, I can put up a shelf methinks

Sorry Green I misread that. In mitigation I think my head is falling off with the ceiling painting.....

Ooh now they are talking a bout painting.....

That fecking photo - I am indeed lurking Izzie. This is the last time I bloody run this bar, I feel like the MN Stasi! However, I completely agree with your observation, Izzie.

I have this thread (all threads) on one page. I think you can go to settings to set that (funnily enough) it really helps.

Tabby (spelt it right this time!) it's worth reminding ourselves that everyone suffers in divorce, including the children. It messes with all our minds, so some awful reactive behaviour in one form or another is going to happen. It's not to say you're doing anything wrong, and I absolutely mean this: it does not make you a shit parent! However, we can express ourselves having many years of learning to do so, teenagers are notorious for doing so loudly and badly, and younger ones act up because they can't find the words to express their feelings so easily. Be nice to yourself all the time if you can. Parenting can be a tough job at the best of times. You are not in the best of times right now.

If Izzie is going to do something spectacular, the self-appointed MN reporter has to have prime seating...in true WWK style, I shall apologise profusely for my rudeness!

Green it's so good to hear from you. With the 'no reply' thing - I used not to get ignored (usually a plethora of abusive emails instead - all ignored) or I got a "I won't answer that, until you answer this". My strategy was "I have asked him for his opinion, and told him I need to know my X date" and if it was ignored, or side-stepped, I unilaterally took the decision and then informed him of the outcome. And left it at that. He won't like it (remember the night of 17 emails!!), but to my mind, if he doesn't seem to like anything you do so you might as well like what you do!

And besides, you still owe us an explanation for your fraternising!! I want a full report by 4pm, or else I'll be coming round with bolt cutters!

Fuckit it was bad because this is shit. It does not [removed] mean something is wrong in me and needs to be fixed. This! Your day yesterday sounds truly horrible. Oh, and you're getting divorced too. I most definitely think it's not you, it is the situation you are trying your best to manage. You aren't going to everything perfect, no one can.

Once I wonder if that's more down to my personality that sounds exactly like you are looking to blame/attack yourself again, the same as fuckit above, in that in the absence of something/someone to blame, you start attacking yourself. How about taking Hobbit's advice:

You didn't deserve this.
They are cunts.

As your starting position! Go from there.

Hello 1ali3 - welcome to the right place. The best decision you've made in ages is to come here. So just before Christmas you got the 'speech' - I take it you're familiar with the script? If not, I'll link it for you. It makes for depressing, but astute reading. It also really does outline what happens next from an emotional perspective. Also look up the 'pick me' dance - if there's one thing that many in failed marriages regret it is doing that. Again, the other side of the story is - but you have to try.

Firstly, please don't compare your situation with anyone else's. Yours is yours - and it hurts, and it's hard and it's enough. Comparisons just make you feel worse, and "silly" and "pathetic" - which you are most definitely not. This shit is hard - no matter who you are, what your back story is. On that, we are all on the same level.

Living a 'double-life' is really, really unhealthy but I understand your motivation for doing so: to protect the children and their education. I'll say no more than that but I can imagine the stress is unbelievable. However, I will add, that it means your support mechanisms, which you utterly need, are out of reach for a while. My biggest regret was not telling people sooner. But it is not my place to tell you what to do.

However, if I could order you to do something (as resident mother) it is go and see a solicitor. I realise how hard this is because it's an admission to a stranger that your appearances are deceptive, but it will also help you understand why you moving out of the house is not the best idea. I know that you think you won't be able to bear the emotions of being left behind (and we all know them well) - but that's why you buy a can of paint and some new furniture (please don't ask me why this works - I just know it helps). However, you moving out will be financially disastrous in the short term. If he's offering to move - get him moved (after all, his solicitor will be telling him not to move either!). He can always come crawling back in the future, and then you can decide if you want him back. On the flip side you'll be thinking: but that makes it easier for him to cheat. I'd rather suggest he's going to do that come what may (if he isn't already) so your priority is to take care of you.

Divorce is a story of two halves: coping with the emotions and dealing with the legalities. Two very conflicting mindsets. Don't succumb to one without referring to the other. Best advice I can give you.

Runaway Husbands and 'Detach and Survive' are two very good books for your situation. They don't take the pain away, but they are full of pragmatic advice and mantras.

And as for the tears - yep, we're fine with them. They are part of the process, they come, go, stay, refuse to bugger off, and play havoc with your mascara. None of this matters as long as you cry as much as you need to, because you stop crying, the depressions kick in and that's worse. Take care. It will get better but it's one hell of horrendous thing to get through at first.

Welcome to the bar 1ali3 I only arrived here recently but have decided to appoint myself resident DJ so won't be leaving anytime soon.

WWK is mother goose but the others are kinda ok too

I did the pick me dance and to be honest that shattered my pride a great deal. I didn't / don't know how to let go. As WWK pointed out to me, I can always find a way to blame myself for one thing or the other, which is true. If there is a spare stick to beat myself with I will happily use it. Still need to work through a great deal of issues regarding myself and the relationship but I'm gonna make it somehow!

Hi 1 and sorry to hear your story. I'm just popping in at the moment, but two thoughts immediately sprung to mind about who should stay or leave. As well as what WWK says, your children will be better off in their own environment. Their familiar surroundings, especially for the youngest still at home, would be better. You know kids, they like to retreat into their own space. And it's important that your youngest can do this. The other thought, and I hate to bring this up, being in the same situation myself....it may be that if there is OW, he will move in with her. It's a horrible thought, I had it sprung on me. But, financially, it would mean that his outgoings are minimal. And if you are heading towards a financial settlement, it could be to your advantage to have his basic living costs as minimal. I hope for your emotional wellbeing that he does not do as mine, but if there is an OW, then.....well, as I see it in my situation, it's to my financial advantage, and that of my sons.

Sorry, that was all a bit rushed.

As well as seeing a solicitor, have a quick look online, for example Wikivorce, just to get a feel for how things stand. There is a calculator on there, and I've found it useful to tinker with the figures.

So sorry to be rather practical rather than comforting. I will post more later.

Thank you all for making me welcome. Crying again but hey ho. Kids keep asking if I'm alright and I mutter about watching something sad on telly or hearing something sad on radio. They look at me as if I've got dementia already....WWK, you are right about a solicitor. Tomorrow's job - definitely. The house thing is so tricky but you've given me food for thought. We moved here and renovated it when our 3 were tiny. So many memories that it seems inconceivable to live here alone. Practically, the mortgage is pretty big and he's said he would only pay it for an absolute maximum of 2 years, but with no gardener help as we have at moment, and that I'd then be responsible for getting it sold after the two years. If I couldn't sell it, I wouldn't be able to afford mortgage on my own which is why I thought it might be easier to downsize now and leave him with the memories, upkeep and hassle of selling. It is a house that needs a lot of upkeep but on the other hand the kids literally love it - it's the only home they know. What a bloody mess. How could he do this to them, to us????? I do need advice though. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and find it's just been a terrible dream. I've not heard of 'The speech'?? Any chance I could have the link if you think it would be useful? I'll check those books out too. Thanks again. Kids wondering about dinner - it's strange how everyday life carries on amongst the misery. Probably just as well for my sanity...wine time too :-) Try to avoid self medicating in term time but thankfully no school tomorrow so..........

Hellooo 1ali3, so sorry to hear your story, there really is no end to the parade of disgusting, unfaithful twunts we have to deal with is there.?

As WWK rightly says, the best decision you have made lately is to come here.

I am a bit mad and I like to swear a LOT, but that's just me, and this lot seem to like me as I am, so I can't be that bad

On a humerous note. He asked me if I minded his parents coming for Easter........incredible?....or do I have the problem???

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

I'm afraid it will make painful reading - but essentially it is a roadmap of what you're going through (and will do). Worth highlighting and ticking it off as and when it happens.

Others recommend 'Chump Lady' which is googleable.

I get what you mean about the 'memories' - but also you are planning way too far into the future (two years) without legal advice. The options ahead are way too numerous to list here and it will all come down to the "individual circumstances of the case" as a lawyer will tell you. So what works for 'er next door, will be completely different from 'er over the road.

The only thing I will tell you is whatever you assume: you are probably wrong!

And whatever he says is most definitely wrong.

There endeth Mother's lesson of today.

Hobbit would you mind awfully answer the question about "How could he do this to them, to us?" Cheer m'dear.

I'm still teetotalling but have a wine on me you deserve it.

Hobbit would you mind awfully answering the question about "How could he do this to them, to us?" Cheers m'dear.

I have just got a job as a proof-reader (true fact!) We are all doomed, I tell ya. Doomed.

Charmed I'm sure, WWK, Ahem! The answer is; drum roll.......
Because they are complete cunts!

No whys or wherefores or navel gazing or blaming ourselves, no pick me dances or psychology or self help books, no hysterical bonding or begging or pleading!

None of the above matter in the end, we just have to KOKO through to the end of this horrible nightmare we find ourselves in.

I have done most of the above to be honest, I certainly remember begging him not to leave me all alone to care for our asd son, he said he would never do that, he left the following week.

Many congratulayshuns on your new jobs as a proof rider hers a starter for ten
I am a cheeky cow ain't I?

Wot? Yous make sense of zeros to mi.

So....firstly, may I say (Hobbit's words) I luffs you all (at least 2 down and eying the rest of the bottle

Second, welcome I (can't cope with the rest - need Specsavers!)

Third, this is a word I hate, it is the worst in English language and one I NEVER use, and forbid the DDs from using (they hate it too anyway). but I am going to say it once...and hopefully, only once....

CUNT

Ok, everyone, I haven't read the latest posts, but I may have some magic for you:

Izzywizzyletsgetbusy...........song please, DJ!

Erm, actually I thought I was DJ...........

Meantime, congrats on your new job WWK.